Carer burnout years down the line?

LRavenscroft, don't take much notice of other people's expectations. There's no law that says you have to be sociable - or follow the crowd with group activities, clubs, holidays etc.

In my old age, I'm pretty (antisocial?) self reliant, with a strong dislike of any firm commitments, routines - or regular stuff to put on the calendar. Instead, I follow my moods, join in when I want to - and leave when I've had enough.

I did try a regular (but not compulsory) group of other retired teachers - just for lunch and a chat fortnightly. They planned outings and holidays together, but it was not for me. Yes, they talked a lot about themselves and all the interesting things they did, but, although I liked a chat, I was often bored rigid and would be secretly planning my escape.

I meet many neighbours when walking the dog, have a little chat and depart. My friend will phone to see if I'll join her for a walk, lunch, visit her mum etc. and I'm free to say yes or no.

In good weather, I'll sometimes help out at the allotments with a group of volunteers - but won't join the group. Family pop in, take me out - or leave the kids with me most weeks - all quite enough, as I just love to do gardening, read or watch films by myself.

I think you have been absolutely amazing and it's no surprise that now you need lots of time for quiet reflection and rest. The activities you enjoy sound healing ones and I would suggest also having treats such as massage, maybe a retreat or anything else that nourishes you... You may gradually wish to socialise more but give yourself lots of quiet time...

I agree with your comments everyone.It is said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so as a stronger person we can do exactly what we choose how we like whenever we like.

Thank you so much everyone for your very kind and supportive comments. It is comforting to know that one is not alone and others feel the same.

It's not surprising that you feel the way you do OP. Maybe after after a restoring spell of happily solitary activities you'll gradually feel better about looking outwards more. Maybe even think about a holiday or similar change of scene. Take it easy though. You've done more than your bit. Take life at your own pace now.

Totally agree with the remarks on here. I have had a full busy life and wake each day happy and gratefull for the peace I have now chosen. Enjoy

I feel a little like this, albeit in a more minor way. Most of my life has been high-stress and has involved looking after others (work as a teacher, mum to a demanding adult DD and now to my DGS). I'm at the point now where I really just want to be left alone.

I'm not miserable with it and very much prefer the quietness of doing my own thing. Company for me these days involves being out where others are around, but not interacting with them (nothing fancy, the supermarket, the library).

It worries me that at some point in my life I'll get lonely, want the interaction with others but that it won't be available (this happened to my mum).

I think it's time you did what you want for you and maybe forget about what you 'should do' and just do what you want to do.

I dont know if your get up and go will come back.
Does it matter if it doesnt?

I’d second everything that AGAA4 said.
Just do what you’re comfortable with. If the sort of socialising you mention isn’t helping, give it a miss.

I do sympathise absolutely with the burnout - had similar after so many years of dementia in 2 relatives, one after the other.

OP you don’t have to be an extrovert of course, do you? And while you’ve done great things in supporting others, I’m delighted to read that you can find joy in your preferred pursuits, and have some good friends. Perhaps this is your new contentment (a precious gift) or perhaps in time you will rediscover the energy and drive you have had to use as a carer for others. Thank you for what you’ve done, and for sharing that there’s a period of adjustment that can follow.

I run an international antiques business but many people would say I lead an "low key" life. I have mobility issues and dont drive so going out is a lift or a taxi. I dont travel any more and the only person who visits regularly is my nephew. I do have a few dealer friends who visit for business but apart from that I do very little socialising. I detest being interrupted by unexpected visitors and usually dont answer the door to strangers unless they are holding a package to deliver. I have cctv on every side of my house so I know who is there.

I dont see that you (or anyone) should feel guilty at wanting to lead a quiet and uneventful life. Youve certainly done your share for the community.

There is so much pressure that one "ought" to do this and that, isn't there?

There are so many pleasures in a small life well lived, and well, none of us are alone when we have online buddies.

Its moot just the years of caring, although you must be exhausted in your inner resources, but also its 10 years later in terms of your own self and we all change.

Maybe in time you'll join a little crafts group, but maybe not: you are in fact finding out what sort of life really sorts "You", and in time the lower feelings will lift and your trusted inner self will know 'what its right to do".

I know exactly how you feel, I have gone through some mentally and physically draining times and now my already I’ll DH has been diagnosed with severe PTSD on top of everything else. We have joined our local U3a and had our first coffee morning yesterday, it is a start and we are easing in gently getting used to new people who are very interesting. It is natural to talk about yourselves at first and is part of getting to know people. I too love crafting and gardening and hope to pick these up again too. Good luck.

I have to add I am quite content. I do like spending time with my DC though.

I can totally relate to your post LRavenscroft. I too had 10 years of caring for my parents with all that entailed. Sadly I then was diagnosed with breast cancer and as treatment finished Covid lockdown began.

Now things are opening up I no longer have the urge to join WI, U3A etc. I belong to NWR as these are smaller groups but do not always go. I walk when I can sometimes with friends but I lead a very low key life. It is almost a relief after all the rushing around I used to have to do.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hello! I think it’s absolutely normal to feel as you do, I had something similar a few years ago.
There’s nothing wrong with having a low key life, mine’s pretty much that too. I also have health problems that preclude my ever getting back to being really active, so different from your situation.
It is hard to accept but, like you, I have several interests that fit in with my lifestyle now. I would love to travel but it’s just not possible at the moment.
I wish you well, enjoy the time and those things that you love doing x

It's no wonder you feel drained LRavenscroft. Caring for all those relatives must have been exhausting.
You just need to do whatever you want to do
Enjoy your hobbies and keep away from people who drain you even more. You don't have to be sociable.
Not everyone likes groups such as WI.
Be kind to yourself now and in time you may feel more like doing other things.