Are you a “people pleaser” ?

All those consciousness raising groups and feminist books/novels I read in the 70’s helped me realise you can’t please all of the people, all of the time

choughdancer

Grannybags

Yes definitely. I wish I wasn't. I want people to like me even if I don't like them!

Me too!

...and Kate1949 Oh and I'm constantly worrying that I have done something to upset/offend people.

Me too, too!

Gosh, me too!

I don't think people pleaser applies to me. I do tend to fall in with others plans if it pleases me. I am happy to let others do the organising as I don't enjoy arranging things but I don't do anything I don't want to just to please others.
There are a lot of things I do and have done to help people but I mostly like helping. I'm not interested in what people outside my circle of friends and family think of me although I was brought up to believe it was important.

One major battle was my desire to go on to higher education, but being told by my father that my place would be at home looking after my husband - should anyone be daft enough to have me

This was also a battle I fought with my parents. My father said "Whats the use of educating a girl? Your only going to get married and have babies." I was 18 and told him I never intended to have children. He told me I would "have what god gave me" and I responded that I would have "what I took for myself".

I finally made it to uni in my early 40s and went through the HE system like a dose of salts, one degree after another. Ended up as an academic.

Far from being a people pleaser Ive always been what my parents called "Bolshi" and am glad of it. My parents were obsessed with what the neighbours thought but I can honestly say I never gave a dog's damn about the bloody neighbours. They are just random people who happen to live next door.

This doesnt mean that I annoy them with loud music or parties or noisy pets. Far from it. I keep myself to myself unless someone infringes upon my privacy. Then watch the sparks fly!

I think as I get older I do this less.

I try not to influence my children too much and instead impress upon them how to be moralistic - but how being happy and healthy and kind are far more important than constantly pleasing others for sake of appearances.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Yes - & it has caused me no end of problems! Definitely stems from childhood, ‘do as you’re told’, ‘don’t answer back’ etc. Doing that led directly to abusive situations & being unable to speak about it 😔
Now many decades later I am trying to make my feelings known but it is really hard when DC need childcare & though I can (& do) look after DGC it means that I’m too tired/lacking energy to do things for myself.

A time came when I started to watch how other people treated each other and I started to listen to what they said about each other. I started to look at people as individuals who responded/reacted to each other and watched their words and actions. It was very revealing. I noticed the Queen Bee, Miss Goody Two Shoes, the Drama Queen and the Prima Donna. And, to this day these characters still present themselves in one way or another. Very interesting but I no longer feel inferior or that I need to impress or apologise because at the end of the day we all have the ability to make choices.

GrandMattie That's me to a tee. Always been lacking in self-confidence and shy.

I was brought up to keep promises, and so found it very hard to have to give back word even for a genuine reason. I do enjoy being with and meeting people but still need separate time to myself too. It was particulary difficult when my back was very painful, as for onlookers there was nothing to see, but I definitely was aware of the difference!1 Now I do the halfway house. I make arrangements to go to whatever but add on that I will ring before 8.30am if I am unable to drive or walk about. I still hate letting people down but know it makes sense. One of the few things that is good about livling alone is that you can do as you please without feeling guilty!!

I was never a people-pleaser because I could never work out what it was I had to do to please people. Whatever I did, it was always wrong, so in the end I gave up continued to be nice to people, but followed my own course. It too had its problems, butt at least i knew where I was.

My Mother was always tying herself in knots worrying about what 'other people ' thought , and this did influence me - I found it impossible to say 'no' in case I upset or offended someone. Years ago I read some advice - 'Other people's opinion of you is none of your business' - this proved to be a light bulb moment for me. Unless you change your personality to what you think might suit each individual, you will never please everybody you meet. Relaxing in the knowledge that you won't be liked by everyone but you will probably be liked by many, just being yourself, is a liberating thought.

I was most definitely brought up to be a people pleaser, or more likely not to upset people (especially dad, who was a bully) as they might explode in a rage.

It does nothing for one's self-esteem or confidence, does it? I'm happy to say I've become braver as I've got older.

Yes, yes! Both parents and nuns had a policy of "speak when spoken to", discouraging any opinions etc. So no confidence at all for years. I made a point of praising my children's efforts and they are all confident and considerate. It's only now I'm much older that I don't care what people think - after all I'm older than most of them!

Yes I was….but no more. I put my husbands needs before mine ….my kids needs before mine ….and looked around at 70
and saw there was nothing much left of me at 20. So I decided to end it all. Stopped looking after grandkids ( done it for 15 years) stoped looking after an incredibly sick husband ( stroke/ dementia and Alzheimer’s) which I’ve done for 27 years…decided to have what was left of my life to me!
Selfish!?
Oh yes!

Skate - absolutely right. Doormats - no: respectful of others rights - yes please.
I have met the odd person who describes themselves, proudly, as their "own man/woman" whereas I might have said that they were miserable and mean spirited.... not many, of course, but some folk use this as shorthand for " I matter, and you don't "

Aveline

I suppose it's a matter of choosing which people it's appropriate and reasonable to please.

Exactly this.
I want to please those who matter to me but don't worry about any others.Am pretty easy going by nature, but say and do what I think is right for me as well.

Do zodiac signs play into this?
Some are total people pleasers, some neeeed to be pleased, some more cool and aloof.
Just be kind to everyone as you go through life. It comes back to you in spades.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

Oh well. As the song says 'I am what I am'. I always remember that the meek shall inherit the earth - that's if it's alright with everyone else! I would never stab anyone in the back.

Not any more.

Always seemed to follow my DD helping friends & family if they needed. Had two of my nephews living with me as it was my job to help out my brother I was told. My DS's friend spent more time with us than at home & eventually lived with us for several years when his parents kicked him out when he lost a job! Finally learned my lesson when I lent my brother a lot of money to help him out of trouble! Many years later I am still told he cannot afford to pay back as he only has his pension! Being 2 years older than him what does he think I live on? So though very late in life I now put myself first for a change & if they do not like it - tough!!

I have noticed on more than one occasion that those who proudly tell you they're a 'people pleaser' will eventually stab you in the back.

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To be honest, I have never really cared what people not in my immediate radius, think about me.
Other peoples opinion of me doesn’t really matter, and is, in fact, none of my business…..

DB and I were discussing this a few days ago. We were brought up to always put other people first, always take the smallest piece of anything offered and so on. Strangely enough DB is now super confident in any situation whereas I'm the opposite and find it difficult to say 'no' to anybody. Often finding myself going somewhere or other I really don't want to go to with someone I don't even much like.

I think the term 'people pleaser' is too wide ranging. Being a doormat is one thing, but being brought up to be considerate of others (as I was) is no bad thing. That's not 'people pleasing', it's just being thoughtful of others and good manners. If there was a bit more of that in today's society, rather than the sense of entitlement and 'I'll do what I want' displayed so often, we'd all be a lot happier.