Are you a “people pleaser” ?

Yes I was and I put my needs last so many times

I always worried about what people thought of me

Now I only worry what people think of me if I like them

Yes. Particularly my family.

Yes definitely. I wish I wasn't. I want people to like me even if I don't like them!

Funnily enough I was thinking about this a couple of days ago. I did not have a happy childhood and as a result the constant undermining of me resulted in zero confidence about myself. I can for example remember a period of when travelling o a bus at night completely avoiding sitting behind the driver and the black pull down blind which reflected my face for other travellers to see. There are lots of other examples - which I won’t drag up but being told “what would the neighbours think” of my dress, behaviour etc was large in my life.

I am however happy to report that it suddenly occurred to me that at nearly 80 I honestly don’t give a toss now what others think, and my self confidence is as high as it’s ever been.

One major battle was my desire to go on to higher education, but being told by my father that my place would be at home looking after my husband - should anyone be daft enough to have me - but I am pleased to report that my eventual husband funded my first degree and I achieved my hearts desire😄

Nope. Definitely not. I was brought up to be independent minded and to think things through before deciding what to do.

Oh I forgot to add that yes I was a “pleaser” until very recently, now I am able to not care (not unkindly) but certainly able to say no now.

I'm not sure that these are really gender-specific characteristics tho maybe more feminine, esp in adulthood - i.e is it really upbringing or personality?

It's not that I don't care it's more that all that, 'what would people think,' stuff just doesn't register.

Oh yes, at home and reinforced at school.
It's caused real problems for me and it took me years to learn to say 'no' to the simplest things.
At first I'd make up reasons for NOT doing things such as attending an event, or giving someone a lift when it was inconvenient, and I'd make up lies as to why I couldn't oblige. This became unsustainable because my memory has always been poor.
Now I just say no, but the guilt is still with me.
Today's girls have more self confidence.
And good for them.

Yes I had a good childhood with loving parents and grandparents but I was definitely brought up to think of others and others opinions and I also believe that is part of my personality anyway
I will put myself down rather than someone else I apologise for things I haven’t done or meant to do, bloody hell I always say sorry to a blooming ant if I stand on it 😂

But I can be assertive too I m not a walk over by any means

I was always an£ still am a people pleaser. My parents, my late husband and now my DD. I hate conflict, so it’s easier to do what I’m told! Don’t like myself much, but am too weak.

I'm definitely a people pleaser. My mantra is 'I don't mind'. If I am meeting people for lunch for instance and am asked where I would like to go I say 'I don't mind' even if I do. I've shared a bottle of wine that tastes like vinegar a few times with a friend because it's her favourite. My DH is the same but not to such a great extent. We have ended up in uncomfortable situations such as evenings out with other people who we are not that keen on, in places of their choice because we don't like to say no. How b****y ridiculous. In my case it's because I don't feel remotely as good as other people. I don't know what it is with DH as his self esteem is OK. He's just too nice I suppose.

Oh and I'm constantly worrying that I have done something to upset/offend people.

Not sure if I am a constant people pleaser. I do not like conflict and do try to avoid it wherever possible.

When I turned sixty I made a little vow to myself to say no when I didn’t want to do something or go somewhere which I have kept to 95% of the time.

I am absolutely useless at saying no to looking after the GC I reconcile this with the fact that they will not be little and need me in a few years time.

I was

When I realized others' happiness is not in my hands (despite my efforts to facilitate it), a switch flipped and I put my wellbeing first - without harming others, of course

People ate going to talk about you anyway - no matter what you do

Are not

A problem with trying to please everybody is that you can end up saying different things to different people and end up offending one of them.

Kate1949

Oh and I'm constantly worrying that I have done something to upset/offend people.

Me too. I've spent my entire life being a 'people pleaser', even though I hate myself for being that way. In my mind, I can tell myself, 'stuff it, who cares what anyone else thinks', but when push comes to shove, I go along with what everyone else wants.

Yes! And I hate this about myself! It has caused me so much misery especially as I cannot say no to any friend or family member no matter how unreasonable or inconvenient the demand/request!
I was bought up to be accommodating and overly polite and told that it was selfish to think of ones self and while I know logically that this is nonsense I cant apply that in a practical way. In many ways it has ruined my life! I would love to be better at boundaries of time/resources/energy but I seem to be incapable.
I grew up with an extremely critical mother and was an only child, so the burden to be flawless was heavy on me (I failed miserably to achieve it too) and it is to this I attribute my failings with boundary and self care.
Ironically my 3 DD are self possessed confident and independent young women so at least thats not been handed on

How I sympathise Blondiescot. My husband says 'You'd apologise if your granny had piles'. I made an effort a couple of years back to be a bit less compliant. My daughter said 'Why are you being stroppy?'. Oh well back to being a mouse 🐁

granMattie you are a very kind person , don’t put yourself down

I suppose it's a matter of choosing which people it's appropriate and reasonable to please.

I was brought up put your best foot forward in other words for other people. It's not the way I brought my children up I made sure they valued themselves.

I decided when younger other people don't keep me. I earn and pay my own way and don't worry what others are up too.

I treat people the way I want to be treated. I do my best for my close family and friends who know me well. I will put myself out for someone and help when I can but I am not a push over.

I wasn’t brought up to please others but I do find myself wanting to do it, and wondering if I have upset people. I can be assertive though if I need to be.

There’s a personality dimension used by psychologists (one of five) called agreeableness. People who score high on agreeableness are more likely to be compliant, i.e. to go along with others (among other characteristics like altruism and tender-mindedness).
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agreeableness
I suspect that people pleasers, on average, are higher on agreeableness than the general population.

According to Psychology Today, people tend to score higher on agreeableness as they get older.
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/agreeableness
I think that applies to me.