When things break down...

Agree with Serendipity22.we are stronger than we think we are when we are put to the test!

At 45 I became the single mum of two teenagers. I can't say that my ex was a great loss because I was always far more handy than he was. If I ever did feel like bursting into tears, I would phone one of my sisters or a good friend. I got through a number of crises, like the time a cracked bath leaked through to the kitchen necessitating a complete re-plastering of the ceiling - and a new bath. When it came to car maintenance, I used reliable (recommended) mechanics and still do. I arranged the sale of two houses and am now waiting for the retirement flat to be ready for me. My right hand man is my supremely competent DS1 who does not take after his father!

Annsixty
I can really relate to your situation. I also am 85, independent, had a career but I feel so vulnerable without my husband. He always had my back, always reminding me that I am too hard on myself. It has been 8 years and I feel like half of me is gone.
I do take comfort in that I am handling my life very well, but I don’t think it is easy or fun. It is easier when there is two to carry the load.

When I was 13/14 my dad started to show signs of Parkinson’s ….he took me ‘on’ …out of my loving mum…trying to teach me to knit/sew/crochet , and said he’d start to teach me ‘“summatI might need one day”. He taught me to change the brake linings on his car ( no linings now!) to lift the bonnet and try figure out why the damn thing wouldn’t start and all sorts of electrical stuff …changing fuses …rewiring plugs…decorating ….putting in a new socket….wallpapering..,carpet laying … and gardening! Took him the three years to do it before he was bed bound! I’ve never needed the help of a man from that day to this. Lucky I didn’t ….because my husband didn’t know a screwdriver from a carpet!!!
I fixed his car once on the M1 (before we married )…. with a matchstick , which I had to walk along the hard shoulder to find as we were non smokers….fixed his brakes coming home from wedding at one in morning in the middle of nowhere and changed the battery …which he was going to get ‘ a man from the garage to do!) …unbelievably useless. My dad disliked him immensely as you can imagine.😂

I think living in a village with poor public transport and not having your car is enough to make anyone feel anxious tbqh. I hope they fix it soon

I recently had a bad fall, no broken bones thankfully, but I landed very heavily on my left side with my arm, my handbag and shopping bag underneath me! My rib cage on that side and my arm are so very painful every time I move I could scream! Can’t take painkillers, so just have to be patient, rest and wait for it to heal. I live alone, can’t drive at the minute as arm too painful when I move it and I began to wonder if this is what the future holds for me, incapacitated by pain if I never heal? I can’t seem to do anything at all at the moment, can’t shower, dressing/undressing takes forever and is torture, as is trying to make the bed! I started to feel down, so unlike me, then I remembered something my late dh used to say “ if you think you can’t, you are probably right”!!! Som I am telling myself I can and I will I know this is only a temporary setback and I will be ok in a while. It’s not nice to feel so vulnerable though!

Maw- I haven’t had a Paw, for 20+ years, due to divorce. He did all the driving. So, when my youngest son was in University in London, I wanted to visit. I had to be brave. I asked his then girlfriend to accompany me. I missed a turning and went right into the centre of London. I remember seeing Harrods on my right; a store I had heard about, but never been in.
I was younger then, so tried not to panic. How on earth, I found my way to his Halls, I’ll never know.
Strangely enough, returning to Wales was so much easier !

Love this! ❤️

Oh Maw, it's not about the car is it? It's about being on your own when something goes wrong, about having to sort it out yourself even if you would have done so when Paw was with you. I also think that confidence fades as we get older; I get anxious about driving somewhere I don't know, in my youth I would think nothing of picking up a hired car and driving it through the centre of London, a car that I wasn't familiar with. Now, I wouldn't dream of it. Sending you calm thoughts, and empathy. At least you can have a to calm you if you don't have the car

I recognise the fear of not coping - as a part of grief. Having lost so much (my husband) I was determined to hang on to what was left, to some version of 'normality'.

An example was the 'button event' when, crossing a busy road, I lost a coat button. I stopped to pick it up, then saw the open-mouthed look of absolute horror on the lorry driver's face as I hopped out of the way with a second to spare. Only then did I realise just how abnormal my behaviour was!

Car issues cause me a lot of stress too. If you don't have a decent bus route where you live you are very dependent. I recently had to get my car through the MOT and normally that would have caused a lot of stress but at the moment my daughter lives with me and has a car I can borrow. She normally commutes by train so it is available to me quite a lot which takes the pressure off. I also use a regular garage where they know me so I trust them not to rip me off. Good luck!

Part of the problem is we get so used to having a competent partner that we don't bother to learn how things work or how to get them fixed.

I think this is really something that comes with age, and also being alone. I used to be so competent, and dealt with most domestic things myself even though my husband was there. Just having him there to share the responsibility made things less of a worry. Now that I'm on my own and older I don't feel able to cope physically when things go wrong, and this results in a panic. Don't know the answer really, but things usually sort themselves out in the end.

I completely empathise with what Maw and others living on their own are saying. But only a minor part of it is to do with being female.
I've been on my own for more than 20 years, and, as Scribbles says, part of the problem is ageing, both physically and emotionally. I didn't really think about it for a long time.
But now, as a problem arises, I call it another mountain to climb. Some are fairly minor - exploding light bulb , for example, hands on clock not working and I now have to remember to ask someone at the supermarket, once I've paid for everything, if they could loosen any bottle tops. My arthritic hands battle with screw tops and those evil tops ( often on bleach bottles) that have to be squeezed with two fingers whilst the rest are twisting the top. Impossible - and I cannot find any gadget that does the job.

Meanwhile I have a towering 70 or 80 foot conifer which needs to be reduced by half and have been putting it off for ages, partly to do with money but mainly because the task of finding a tree surgeon that I can trust, at a reasonable price ,seems a definite Mount Everest to me. I've spent hours on the internet, researching what I must look for in a tree surgeon, what questions to ask etc etc. Then I have to search for local ones and decide who to ask to give me a quote. I'm in the throes of the latter now, and just feel its a really difficult decision to make on one's own. I have this horrible vision of an enormous trunk crashing into my neighbour's garden, or onto my flat roof extension etc etc!! ( and yes, I've made sure that I've checked if they have Public Liability Insurance).
Like you, Maw, I've been close to tears - of frustration and anger mostly - quite a few times. I then have to gird my loins, tell myself I'm safe, in my own home, and with enough to eat , unlike many people, especially those survivors of the recent earthquake, who have NOTHING!

That response was to Norah’s post, didn’t include the original, not sure why as I pressed reply.

This is just lovely 🥰

Glad it’s not just me! I’ve gone from a confident, competent person who was a Senior Nurse to a wussy 69 yr old. I’ve decided it’s the feeling of being out of control. Luckily I have my pragmatic husband to bring me down to earth

I panic when things go wrong but I try to quote my sensible younger daughter “ and do panic mother, it really helps”
It makes me smile ,wryly ,but a smile releases tension.

I’m so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed! I understand though.

Aging, losing a life partner, changes in circumstances beyond our control- all challenge our sense of independence and deplete our emotional reserve.

When faced with a day or situation that is driving me to tears ( no pun intended!)I find some small thing to do I can control and enjoy. I walk, work in a creative project or even iron clothes (immediate satisfaction).

Hoping your car is quickly returned to you in tip top shape!

My reply would be the same as Germansheperdsmum. It’s the uncertainty that stresses you and the way I deal with it is how important the issue is. If there’s nothing you can do about it then just carry on and things will work out.

I think as we get older we are less able in all sorts of small as well as bigger ways. For me it's a vulnerable feeling and knowing that I can't control my environment in the ways that I used to can make me feel unsettled. I do breathing exercises and talk myself through these things. I also call my friends if it's not resolving.

My car represents my independence and freedom even if I am not actually using it and if it's not working I too can feel edgy.

But I do take a look at the bigger picture as well and count my blessings and that can give me perspective again.

Have a collective hug from all of us here... you have been heard and understood.

I am so glad I am not alone in this.
As I have said on another thread, the next thing to go wrong was the outer “skin” of glass in my en suite fanlight window shattering for no apparent reason, yesterday. Presumably a bird but with no corpse underneath on the path, just broken glass, somehow it must have survived. Fortunately the inner layer of glass is undamaged or it might have been a bit chilly in the shower!
This time I knew who to phone ( Cloudy2Clear - other firms are available) and a nice man is coming to measure up for a new pane early next week. Because I am dealing with it, I feel less vulnerable.
Need to give my head a shake though!

Maw and Margaretin... me too! it is being alone for me, though I am quite old also

and family all too busy, and friends, same, alone and elderly.

Margaretin, I see that quote often, it really does not help me any.

Maw - it’s part of getting older to feel more anxious about things we wouldn’t have worried about in the past. I’ve found since D died, that my confidence has dropped, my ability to fret about ‘stuff’ increased.
I’m aware our family home is more time consuming and expensive to run than when we were two. I don’t want to add moving into early bereavement. In addition, this ordinary/extended semi has been our home for over 30 years. I hope to stay here for the rest of my life . The last 12 months slammed home the best laid plans can change in a second
So maw, walk Rosie, eat well, enjoy a glass of wine in the evening and nurture yourself x

Thank you for bringing this up Maw, as I feel the same way and thought it was just me being a wimp!
It doesn't help very much, but a couple of days ago I saw on Pinterest a sign which said "In a year from now, will this matter?", and I thought I ought to print it out and put it on a wall somewhere, and read it when I am getting into a flap about things!