When things break down...

I still live in the family home. My husband left many years ago. I really need to downsize but feel the enormity of the task is beyond me. Problems with my tv have made me realise the house needs rewiring. The garage roof and porch leak. I don’t really know where to start. I sometimes fantasise about living in the caravan I lived in in my hippy years!

Maw I also feel anxious and tearful when anything goes wrong. Ridiculous as I managed well even when DH was here but too poorly to do anything. But he was still there to support and mull things over with. I can hear a drip in the bathroom whenever I use water. The plumber has been and there is no evidence of a leak he will have to get the bath out and floor up , it’s making me very anxious.

It's fortunate, then, that I have fewer things, now, to break down. No car, electric kettle, coffee or soup maker here. Although I love gadgets, I'll try hard not to rely on them - or replace them when they go. A good clear out, editing, minimising - and a simpler life should suit me as I get old and doddery.

I find that when one thing goes wrong other things go wrong as well. We have had a problem with our car (which cost us a fortune) then the kettle, coffee maker, soup maker and hob. A very expensive few months which we could do without and at our age was very stressful

I have a silver bracelet with the words
‘You’ve got this’ engraved on it
Whenever I doubt my ability to cope I look at my bracelet & know I can cope
Why ?
Because we have to
Simple really xxxxxx

MawtheMerrier, I was/am also a coper in life, but as we get older, anxieties creep in and I can only put this down to vast experience of life! When things wobble unexpectedly, I imagine what could go wrong, will go wrong and of course, I want to be in control not thrown out of kilter - in fact with every single problem my thoughts go up the tree and along every single branch until I settle on a twig on that tree, right at the very top where I might feel a little bit in control - but only if it doesn't snap. I'm trying harder to live in the moment. Not to think about what's gone before me......not to dwell what is in the future, but live for the present and don't forget to BREATHE......those long breaths that everyone is talking about.
Did you go through life at break-neck speed and cope with whatever life threw at you? Are you reluctant to ask other people for help? Things get a little more challenging as we get older (but in my humble opinion - only because we've had such interesting, challenging lives). I try to put things into context.....and look for the positives. A car is just a piece of metal. Brakes are important to get fixed, but hey Maw......I think you might be a little older than 32? A bus pass? There are two weeks before the car gets fixed. Don't dwell on what might happen, but look for the positives you can do in those two weeks. Fill the time with great things. Do different things that you wouldn't normally do with the petrol money you are saving. Of course, if any friends want to help out with lifts.....go for it. Where are they going? Could they drop you off? Have you got a bike? A skateboard?..........Just do one thing out of the ordinary and add to that lifetime of experience of coping. And before you know it.....the car will be back and a normal balance will be resumed. I have to say though, when my car goes up the shute (as it did quite recently).........I have apoplexy! Now get that skateboard out and have a g and t.

As a single parent I have sorted most things out myself over the years though avoided electrics and plumbing for safety reasons. However what currently drives me crazy is technology. I have been fine with it since the early days but now find things so difficult!!! A simple job turns into hours of frustration. However (if you can find a phone number - which is never easy) it is sorted in minutes. Over the past weeks I am screaming at my SMART TV and printer which tell me there is no internet connection while showing 'connected' on the menus and with a strong signal. I do all the recommended stuff unsuccessfully and then randomly it starts working again. Aaaaaaargh!! Breathe........ Rant over.

Iam64
Speak for yourself Grantanow. 🌞 My lovely husband wasn’t a fixer of cars, I did any home decorating and the children referred to him as diy dad- disaster it yourself dad.

Similar here - I call my husband a diy expert; destroy it yourself

The car if it has anything wrong makes me feel quite deranged ! I’ve no idea why I feel so bad but always do and I also get very upset about anything mechanical or electrical indoors ….oh and dealing with insurance renewals!!! It’s all completely out of proportion - I think it must be an age thing and I’m only in my sixties !!

Grantanow

Part of the problem is we get so used to having a competent partner that we don't bother to learn how things work or how to get them fixed.

Speak for yourself Grantanow. 🌞 My lovely husband wasn’t a fixer of cars, I did any home decorating and the children referred to him as diy dad- disaster it yourself dad.

So glad to know it’s not just me!

@Bluesmum I’m sorry to hear you are having such a rough time . Pain can be so debilitating. 💐 for you .

No matter what age: Single women + car problems = neurosis!!

I can totally relate! I usually cope with other emergencies like a storm trooper, but there’s something about those four wheels that turn me inside out.

Two weeks sounds like an awfully long time. If you can, try to find an independent mechanic that would appreciate your business and turn it around quicker and cheaper.

Good luck Maw- in the meantime hitch a ride with a friend or neighbor to the grocer if need be. This too shall pass.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

(Think that should be multi-storeyed!)

MawtheMerrier

Riverwalk

Maw you need to ditch the car, sell up, and get yerself back to London!

Great public transport and everything on your doorstep, including lots of green space for the hound

Having seen what the daughters got for their respective houses (2 up, 2 down Victorian terraces) - and then spent on their moves to doer-uppers, I couldn’t buy a rabbit hutch and Rosie would not fit into one!
You’ve got a point though, I do know people who managed to achieve enough selling up in the Home Counties to buy eg a flat somewhere like the Barbican. Public transport, lots to do in the way of exhibitions, museums etc but I fear that ship has sailed!

We've moved back to London after 15 years away. We ditched the multi-storied pile and moved to a snug maisonette and loooooove it!

I know what you mean about being a coper MawtheMerrier.
I had four children and DH was always working away, often abroad for months. Later he worked in the UK but only came home at weekends, so I just lived my life, looked after the children, went to work, cooked and mended stuff by myself when necessary.
Now I'm older and I don't want to have to cope with the day-to-day problems that arise, though I know it has to be done.
I'm lucky that DH is still around and we've already simplified our life, live in a smaller place and updated our cars so now they work better than the very old ones we nurtured for years.
Generally we are living a more manageanble life than before, though we obviously have the usual aggravations of paying bills, doing our tax returns and the like.

We definitely loose confidence as we age,so take things slowly,make a list of anything you require or needs doing & try to cross one thing off a day.Things can feel overwhelming but I tell myself “ Nothing. I can’t do” ,take deep breaths.Read a book to take your mind of worries or phone a friend,good luck.

MawtheMerrier..No wise words afraid but I do know exactly how you feel. Since DH died in 2022 everything seems a crisis even choosing a new light fitting and don't mention the necessary light bulb. Could have wept not being able to make a confident decision. Not everyday throws up a problem. We though become embroiled in the "now" not remembering all the times we have coped with problems in the past. It's having confidence in ourselves that seems to disappear. Hope the car is fixed with no problems.

But life is far more complicated now, in my opinion, than what it used to be.
People used to be able to fix cars themsleves a lot. Now there is more technology involved.
I dont hesistate to run to others if I encounter problems. As does everyone else in my family/social group. We all help each other out. It is swings and roundabouts as to who is helping out who with what.

You have friends that can help so you are not really stuck.
It is your own "fierce independence" that is making you feel you cant cope.

All of these things are in place VS
Car under warranty, AA and RAC membership (part of the insurance deal) Uber app on my phone, supportive friends, Internet shopping, minicab number on my phone, local handyman to call on - I am far from helpless- but my feelings have best been described by some posters upthread - Rosina, Iam especially - I have had to cope with an ill husband for many years and fight NHS battles on his behalf, to cope with bereavement, and personal and practical crises -honestly I thought after that nothing could ever be as bad again, but it is very different on your own and I do think our emotional resilience diminishes with age.
But I am hugely grateful for the sympathy and empathy I am encountering on this thread - thank you all.

This has happened to me too, Maw. At work I was renowned for my calm approach to crises, and family matters about fifteen years ago got into such a pickle (that's one word to describe a complete disaster) but I held everything together and we got through with a minimum of damage. However - if anything goes wrong with my car I feel jittery and anxious until it is fixed, if one of the GC is unwell I lie awake worrying, if my DD sounds tired or miserable then I become the same, if a meal goes wrong... you get the picture! I really don't know why this has happened to me and I wish it hadn't. Have I run out of 'coping'? Do we perhaps get a certain allocation of coping mechanism and if we live long enough it dries up and disappears?

Don't get over it, get under it.

See if you can get a good deal to insure those appliances that you can't live without

Look into AA membership deals

Start a savings account for the worst breakdown that could happen

Have a plan for if you need to be somewhere without a car, like local taxi numbers ready or a family member who knows you don't have a car right now

It can be reassuring to know you are covered and are prepared

I will be a widow in the near future - DH has a terminal illness. I do fear how incompetent I’ll be when it comes to ‘fixing’ things. Can’t even open ‘child proof ‘ containers like bleach bottles!

I can understand how you feel. When you have no doubt coped with multiple tasks, expected and unexpected ,in the past , you not only feel jarred by the unexpected event but can feel a bit panicked by feeling out of control, and at the same time beating yourself up about the fact that that is how you are feeling today. So ,in the beginning , I think to just step away from the problem for a short time, make a drink, maybe ring up your closest friend or a person you know who is usually knowledgeable about things and see what they have to say. When we feel in a panic we can somehow not think of the simplest idea to alter things. That can take the edge off the feelings and I feel better when I can say - well I am just having a rough day - rather than Im hopeless or whatever. You still are that sensible efficient and organised person you have been for many years. Everyone can have an off day! Just remember poor old Michael Fish after all those years being a great weather presenter but only remembered for the day he said no high winds!! Then you might have a short term and a longer term plan. Short term, allow for cost of taxi for a possible journey and at the same time think of friends , who I am sure would be happy to help out just for this short time, where you would pay the fuel. Longer term, do you belong to any womens group? I go to one locally and as I havent lived here long find that it is a good starting place to ask for recommendations for garage doctors or whatever . When several people recommend the same people that tends to be a good place to start. Getting the equivalent of the little black book for dating - I find having a little black book of reputable people with email and phone nos gives me a little peace of mind and then when you feel a bit brighter you can make your own choice. I am sure we have all had days like this, I definitely have, ranging from cant choose what to wear to wondering if I should have moved to another country!! A bit battered round the edges but I am still here to tell the tale. Dont listen to the pull yourself together brigade but do let people help and give a hand today. Next time it will be the other way round and you will be helping someone else. All the very best