The other side of Kindness.

Very simple. Just tell her you are the sort of person who enjoys your own company, and particularly your privacy.
You must be very firm in turning down invites from her, and eventually she will get the message. If you intermittently accept her invites you will never get rid of her.
Just smile say thanks but no thanks.

Some people need to be fixing others to give themselves a boost I think. I keep well away - if they are only interesting in finding my problems... It's not really friendship is it?

Op

Your friend is not kind, she is the wolf in sheep's clothing - she is controlling and a bully

It is much harder to call someone out if they feign kindness and goodwill

Just tell her your friendship is not working and you won't see her anymore

I bet it is not the first time she has experienced that in her life

The person who plays the role of a Rescuer often find themselves confused because they are as experienced as being a Persecutor. It’s such a shame as often they have good intentions and aren’t intending to control. They don’t see what they are doing is rushing to fix something the other person doesn’t think is broken I’m a life long introvert, quite shy, happy in my own company and thoroughly dislike large groups. Sadly other folk can misinterpret this as me being lonely and try to fix me. When it happens I smile and say something like ‘that doesn’t work for me’ and quickly change the subject. If they persist I’m more direct which can have them muttering what a dreadful person I am. That goes straight over me, it’s just their pattern being played out.

Yes that not kindness. I loathe loathe the whole be kind nonsense, it often means shut up as doodle says, and in my experienced is used mostly by people who are anything but kind.

I think you must be kind to yourself in the first instance. That means doing what you want and dont feel pressured by others. You can still be kind to them but your needs must come first and you should never be made to feel guilty for this.

Don't make up an excuse, don't apologise LRavenscroft. You do need to be assertive not passive. It is your life. Just say "that's not me X. I'm the sort of person who enjoys their own company most of the time and like to have time for my art."

It sounds as if you have moved somewhere in order to be independent. Good luck; I'm sure you can be.

Are these suggestions coming as texts, phone calls or face to face? I find it difficult to refuse face to face invitations to meals out etc. I was in a similar situation with someone in the same choir as me, but I told her I did not have the funds to pay for lunches out once a week like her (quite true at the time).
She did initially offer to pay for me and I did reply rather cruelly and rather rudely, she surely didn't need to pay for an eating companion.
So she was offended and hasn't spoken since.
I do feel guilty though, and that happened years ago.a

I am very much a loner, there are very few people that I am happy to spend time with. Because of this, I have met many people that try to get me to socialise more and often end up telling me what I should do, the word should leaves me irritated.

I am sure that they think they are being kind but really want some self gratification that they have fixed me.

When my dh died,my neighbour who my late dh hated began by coming to the funeral,buying lovely wreath etc.From then on she controlled me,not something I would have normally let happen,but I suppose I was vulnerable and she really did think in her mind she was looking after me. The neighbour has since moved,but on one occasion( there were many) when I had come home from work and just wanted to get in lock the door and sit down. I heard her first in the garden,I had to go in the back way as I didn't have my front door key. I opened the garden gate very quietly and got down on my hands and knees( yes the s.a.s would have been proud of me) managed to put key in door unlock and wait for my moment to get in( close the door very quietly) success!! People do laugh when I tell them,but honestly it is true!

Only “slowly making up excuses….” ?
I’d speed up with that if I were you! I would certainly not countenance anybody telling me what to say or do, or what to do in my own house.
If you want to be kind “No I don’t think that’s for me” or just ignore “suggestions” and I would not wait for her to fall off the friendship list - I’d give her the push!
Unlike biglouis and her experience, though I think I would find a more diplomatic turn of phrase- “foxtrot Oscar” not being part of my vocabulary!

I think it's not an all-or-nothing situation but you are not being honest with her.

You say: I am slowly making up excuses not to meet with her anymore which are usually vague like 'Sorry I can't make it that day' etc.

Why don't you say (with a smile) "Oh no, that's not me at all, so sorry, - I love pottering about in my home/garden"
Or
"It's so nice to meet up now and again for afternoon tea but unfortunately I'm not keen on doing any more social/get togethes jyst now thank you"
Or
"I know you are being very thoughtful in trying to include me in your social activities but I really enjoy doing my 'own thing' so much I'd generally be happiest on my own."

You could maybe say you have no interest in going out just now but would like to meet her for coffee one day next month.

I'd practice a few phrases if you like her company sometimes and strive to get the message across better.

You were obviously open at first but have become overwhelmed. I think you must say "no" but not give an excuse - jusr tell her firmly but nicely that you prefer it that way. You feel better for having lots of time on your own. Be firm. Laugh about it - say it's just how you feel.

I avoided years of after-work "jollies" by saying, with a smile "I know you think it's odd but I'd really rather just go home" or similar. I'd always wish my colleagues a happy evening and they would sometimes say "we're doing x next week - and know it's probably not your thing but let us know if you change your mind."

I hope you resolve this.

I suspect that such people genuinely feel they're being kind. It may be misguided or for the wrong reasons but is probably well meant.

There is a personality type who wants people to be in their debt, in an 'after all I've done for you' sort of way. Others simply think that their way of doing things is the only way, and can't resist giving people the 'benefit' of their superior wisdom.

Neither is being kind. Kindness is difficult to define anyway, and was hijacked after the death of Caroline Flack to tell women (on the whole) to keep opinions to themselves, to stay mild and gentle, to shut up, basically. I have a deep suspicion of people who use it in that way, which is a shame, as kindness, in and of itself, is a generally good thing.

Next time she asks, could you tell her that you need and enjoy time on your own, LR? That's not being personal, and doesn't mean you'd have to cut her out altogether, which might not be what you want.

luluaugust

I had a friend like this, now sadly long gone, who was always giving me the benefit of her advice. Never one for doing what I was told I ignored most of it and one day she told me I was the most relaxing person to be with. Just before she died I found out she had had a most unhappy marriage and I reckon some of her manner was a need to control her life not mine.

I reckon this hits the spot. Some people feel worthless if they are not "helping" others but then the control element comes in.
Rescuers often need to rescue themselves but project it out: is easier than facing that huge neediness within.

It’s the ‘I know what’s best for you (and everybody else)’ syndrome.
I have an aunt like this.

I don’t think they ever back off unless you’re very blunt. I’d say, ‘Look, I dare say you mean well, but I am absolutely not in need of your advice, and I don’t want it, so please stop.’

It’s a difficult one isn’t it? When do our helpful acts become too much for those we are helping?
I help out with driving neighbours to appointments, but they do ask and are grateful.
I guess asking someone if they want to go out or over for a cuppa is fine, but never being pushy.

Yes, she is being bossy/helpful as it's her need to be in control. Whether that's her insecurity, her own unhappiness etc I don't know.

Gagajo that sounds horrendous.

That you are describing is not kindness, it is actually a form of bullying.

I think it's always best to just walk away, silently, never look back. Maybe it's referenced as ghosting? At any rate it works.

I had a neighbour like this. Our accommodation had actually been arranged as we were both older ladies and the organisers thought we'd get on well. To begin with, I was happy to be friends but she was so controlling.

The straw that broke the camels back was the day she phoned me twice, emailed me AND put a note through the door trying to convince me to go out with her.

Slightly awkward avoiding her tho because she could hear when I was at home or moving around in my apartment so knew I was lying if I said I was busy.

She was very offended at my breaking off our friendship and I overheard her a couple of times moaning about my ingratitude to others. 🤣🤣🤣

Yes Ive had people who know better than I what I "need". I should get out more and see more people. Its not "healthy" to avoid getting involved with people as I do. yadda yadda

I used to be polite to such people and make excuses. My nephew said "well I would just tell them to eff off". I have to say that I admire men their ability to just walk away without a pang of guilt from something that doesnt suit them or in which they see no value.

About two years ago I lost patience with my whiney needy neighbour and did tell her to f* off. She has not been back since.

These people are rescuers and, as a previous poster said, have more needs than you do. I just ignored my rescuer friend’s advice and was OK. My rescuer often got frustrated and stressed about other people’s business.

Kindness means being friendly, generous and considerate..and it sounds as if your friend is not being considerate. She is not applying empathy and thinking of your needs. She possibly needs your friendship more than you do hers. It sounds like a situation I couldn't cope with, I would feel disempowered and very annoyed. Yes be kind to yourself and get some space.. I hope you manage to do that amicably.. she sounds quite overwhelming...

So many good points on this thread. Thanks for posting.