The other side of Kindness.

Being fussed over can be overwhelming when you need space. Expecting a grown adult to conform to their expectations can be draining. Intelligence comes in all forms, emotional intelligence is needed in these situations. Being gentle in approach, such as I’m here if you need anything. It then shows you genuinely want to help and will go at their pace. As pack animals company can help but only if wanted

I try to be kind in my own way by sharing posts on FB for local jobs, missing people, found items, lost pets, flats vacant etc to help others. I have a huge extended family and 3 DC and 3 DGC that I see quite regularly and they stay here regularly in the school holidays as we live on the coast. My friends would never tell me what to do nor would I try to tell them what to do unless asked for an opinion.
I couldn't be friends with someone who tried to rule my life with constant suggestions of what I should do and say like the OP. I think I would nip it in the bud with a quick abrupt reply such as "Thanks but I'm happy with the way I'm dressing, saying things, cleaning etc etc"
To stop daily visits just arrange a day once a week or so and when they leave say see you next Friday or whatever day suits you.

I do hope you can just get a bit more frank with this person. I often think people just don't understand what others need if they aren't told directly.
Things said with a laugh and a smile are often easier to swallow than those said sharply.
Good luck.

NotSpaghetti

I think it's not an all-or-nothing situation but you are not being honest with her.

You say: I am slowly making up excuses not to meet with her anymore which are usually vague like 'Sorry I can't make it that day' etc.

Why don't you say (with a smile) "Oh no, that's not me at all, so sorry, - I love pottering about in my home/garden"
Or
"It's so nice to meet up now and again for afternoon tea but unfortunately I'm not keen on doing any more social/get togethes jyst now thank you"
Or
"I know you are being very thoughtful in trying to include me in your social activities but I really enjoy doing my 'own thing' so much I'd generally be happiest on my own."

You could maybe say you have no interest in going out just now but would like to meet her for coffee one day next month.

I'd practice a few phrases if you like her company sometimes and strive to get the message across better.

You were obviously open at first but have become overwhelmed. I think you must say "no" but not give an excuse - jusr tell her firmly but nicely that you prefer it that way. You feel better for having lots of time on your own. Be firm. Laugh about it - say it's just how you feel.

I avoided years of after-work "jollies" by saying, with a smile "I know you think it's odd but I'd really rather just go home" or similar. I'd always wish my colleagues a happy evening and they would sometimes say "we're doing x next week - and know it's probably not your thing but let us know if you change your mind."

I hope you resolve this.

NotSpaghetti, that is very helpful, thank you. I am keeping these suggestions.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and really good advice. Gransnetters really are fantastic with their different perspectives and it gives one a lift as as problem aired is a problem shared.

reminds me of a character from a barbara pym novel; a church woman who went about doing good, and you could tell who were those to whom she did good by the haunted looks on their faces.

I second foxie48’s comment. Concise and correct about the friend.

Without worrying if you’re being or sounding selfish just know that your peace of mind, your inner sanctum needs to be taken care and protected. You’re still going to be a kind, good girl by firmly saying no to her invites.

A very interesting read. I can always count on you ladies providing thought provoking dialogue.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

Giving excuses can make it sound as if you feel you’re missing out, hence the repeated offers to entertain you! I’ve heard people say ‘Remember NO is a completely sentence’ - if someone asks you if you’re available !to do something with them, JUST SAY NO is the motto!

I actually agree with Foxie48 post, well said foxie

I had a MiL who was domineering and bossy and spent the first five years of knowing me telling me what I ought to be doing and how it should be done.

I was entirely different to her and she didn't understand me (and in truth I didn't understand her). I just smiled, agreed I was a lost cause, calmly said 'No thank you' to most of what she offered and carried on being me. Eventually she backed off, calmed down and we spent the next twenty years with an unspoken truce, trying to be friends. It all depends on whether this lady is someone you are interested in enough to try to break the pattern. If not, just tell her you don't appreciate her trying to run your life. It might be all it takes to get rid of her.

I have just had to deal with a " friend " like this because she just wouldn't leave me alone. Constantly barraging me with requests to meet or for me to provide lifts , lend her money.
She always has plans for " us " and tries to interfere in everything I do . She lives very near and I feel under constant observation.
She also makes nasty remarks about DH( she's a divorced lady ) and , at one time it felt like she wanted me all to herself.
She then moved church to join mine and invegled her way into our home group so I have to see her at least twice weekly , often in my own home .
Every time I tried to not interact she keeps fawning over me , asking what she had done wrong, sending cards , buying small,gifts ..... and, if I foolishly gave in and met with her ,then she was twice as " attentive .
Eventually, after a worrying time with my daughter's health, I felt too drained and broken to interact.
Cue messages, whatapps, cards etc etc .
I have not replied. She has taken her hurt to our church leaders so I am now the bad guy.
The funniest bit is , she ( and her daughter) have now " blocked " me from Facebook . I find this hilarious as it delighted me. Hopefully she'll have got the hint !

It's so hard to mix honesty with kindness when trying to tackle a neighbour or friend who behaves in this way.

You could try starting with a positive " I really enjoyed the tea and cakes we had at the garden centre you took me to. Maybe we could go again in June when I'll be looking for some new plants" "Thank you for the suggestion about that kitchen gadget to buy - I've found it really useful" or whatever.
Following it up with setting boundaries is harder and we don't always know what issues/unhappiness may have made someone behave in that bossy way.
" I appreciate your offers of afternoon tea/ tidying tips for the house but I'm really quite settled now and have a routine which suits me. I know we're all different, but I'm quite happy just going out once every few months/having my garden the way it is/ I've got the house organised the way I like it/ I've worked out how to deal with problem I had with the insurance..... I'm happiest finding my own way to do things, but if I'm looking for advice about anything I think you might have expertise in, I can always ask you. I'll get in touch mid May to arrange a trip to the garden centre." or something along those lines?
Good luck

Fully understand. I don’t mesh well with pushy people myself. I think it’s great you’ve begun to distance yourself. Some people cannot help but to dictate the way they want others to act, speak, think etc. Sometimes it’s unconscious sometimes it’s not. Either way, people are who they are so it’s up to us as individuals to decide whether or not continuing the relationship is more of a benefit than not. Just don’t expect them to change.

LRavenscroft I think what's being described here is not being treated with kindness. It's being patronised. Google dictionary says "Patronise: treat in a way that is apparently kind or helpful but that betrays a feeling of superiority." Hopefully, your patronising 'friend' will get fed up and look for another victim!

"Evil is wrought by want of thought -as well as by want of heart"

My Father said that being helpful to someone is doing what they need - not what you think they need. That surely applies to kindness too; it's offering what a person needs and only for as long as they need it, not swamping them and trying to run their lives.

suelld

Coconut

This sounds like my mother 🤣 I’ve always been a mistake that needed rectifying evidently 🤣

Ooh ditto Coconut…
As my Mum was in her nineties and ailing fast, tho she had never been a ‘touchy feebly’ Mum ( - born in 1908 and had to cope alone with her sister and often absent father who was a Sea Captain), I decided I must tell her I loved her before she died… she replied “ Yes, but you’ve always been a naughty girl” !
Ho hum!

more fun though hey suelld

I've had one person mutter, ’Poor thing, you must be terribly depressed’ when I said thanks but no thanks to an offer. Umm, no. I do suffer from a few health conditions but depression is not one one the list- currently. I just prefer to use my limited energies on my young children and on my hobbies, alone, which sadly didn't suit her narrative of saving the recluse.

What an interesting thread - lots of great advice. I wholeheartedly agree tho you should simply tell her you don’t wish to participate in whatever she suggests. Be kind to her as I believe she truly feels she is the best person to help you! She’s not aware of the impact of her behaviour. Must be firm and simply say no thank you.

When I worked I never went on work nights out.When asked why I always replied because I am an unsociable sod!

Interesting point made by Doodledog about the post Caroline Flint suicide, the 'Be Kind' movement. It did seem to mean being gentle, non bullying, non critical of each other. But, being a push over, allowing people to make you do what you don't want to do isn't 'being kind' it is being manipulated. Being kind is telling a friend, gently, that you really appreciate her efforts to get you out and about, but actually you do enjoy your own company.

Coconut

This sounds like my mother 🤣 I’ve always been a mistake that needed rectifying evidently 🤣

Ooh ditto Coconut…
As my Mum was in her nineties and ailing fast, tho she had never been a ‘touchy feebly’ Mum ( - born in 1908 and had to cope alone with her sister and often absent father who was a Sea Captain), I decided I must tell her I loved her before she died… she replied “ Yes, but you’ve always been a naughty girl” !
Ho hum!

To be 'kind' you do it in your actions and words to people you know and don't know. You can hurt people with your tongue....just saying

This sounds like my mother 🤣 I’ve always been a mistake that needed rectifying evidently 🤣

Erm... I'd tell her straight out that it is annoyng me (I have done so, yes!) so that she won't keep trying. Lots of people tell you to dye your hair, lose weight, go jogging, become vegetarian, not wear certain colours, go to Bingo... as if they have a right to run your life, like we are Project A or Exhibit B. It's not on; I tell them where to get off. If you lose their 'friendship' - well, then, they were never friends.