Upset over daughter’s miscarriage

I also miscarried my first baby and it was devastating. You sound like a supportive, loving mother to your daughter.

I remember what real insensitivity is. My DH’s sister started asking me if my mother ever miscarried, what about aunts, cousins, the clear implication being, does it run in your family. My brother’s wife told me I was handling it very badly. The only thing I handled badly was making the mistake of speaking with her the day after when the pain was so fresh.

Of course you are in pain — for yourself and your daughter. Allow yourself this grief; it will pass. My mother always used to say, “Don’t worry. The sun hasn’t gone out of business.”

Heathertee. You are in exactly the same position that I was in just 3 years ago. I feel for your pain and for you DD. There is truly nothing worse on earth than watching your darling ACs suffer. I hope your DD does eventually have a successful pregnancy. Sadly, I have no advice to offer you except to take each day at it comes. And to send you both lots of love and good wishes.

The home tests pick it up so early now, watermeadow - unlike in our day, when IIRC you had to have missed 2 periods before going to the doctor. I did know very early on with both of mine, same unmistakeable sign both times - a weird tingling in just one boob - but my dd never had any such thing.

I send sympathy to HeatherTee.
I didn’t know that women had scans so very early nowadays. When I was having babies nobody told anyone or went to the doctor until they were 12 weeks pregnant. As so many early pregnancies are miscarried that seems sensible. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks before anyone else knew and got no sympathy because it was so early in pregnancy.

Sending 🙏 and all best wishes, Washerwoman - it can be such a worrying time. x

Our DD is currently 7 weeks pregnant through IVF and she showed me the 6 week scan.No-one apart from immediate family knows yet.It helps to voice my fears here tbh.I'm calm on the outside but won't relax more until she has at least another scan as her sister miscarried her first pregnancy.
I will never forget her sobbing on the phone saying there was no heartbeat at the 12 week scan.We were actually away on holiday and I took our dogs out for a long walk on the fells and sobbed for her and her partner. The next day we drove home early to give them a hug and cook them a meal.We all grieved that little baby.Happily we now have 2 gorgeous GC.I so hope for this pregnancy -and for you HeatherTee.Of course you feel immensely sad.I sincerely hope eventually grief gives way to a happier outcome.

Just because miscarriages are relatively common in the first trimester doesn't mean that they are not heartbreaking for the families involved. It is especially hard for the potential mother who, as well as grieving for the lost and much-wanted child, has to cope with unchanging all the changes that her hormones have made in her body. Mums of adult daughters in this situation usually grieve too, both for the baby who will not be and for their daughters too. My daughter didn't miscarry but had an ectopic pregnancy, obviously early in the first trimester, but we grieved together.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words of advice. I don’t find it too difficult to keep my grief separate, however, I wanted her to know her little one was important to me too and not dismiss him/her. We have bought snowdrops for our garden as a reminder and I’m sure she appreciates knowing this. I don’t feel there is any right or wrong now. Again, thank you all.

HeatherTee, I would just add, a friend’s DiL was told that she’d never be able to conceive without IVF, but after a while she did, and went on to have a second baby naturally.

A friend of a dd (un-partnered) had also been told that the chances of her ever becoming pregnant were a million to one.

But she did - after a one night stand on a work trip abroad!
I hope it’s needless to say that she kept her little miracle baby.

You have every reason in the world to be sad for your dear daughter right now and to mourn the loss of what would have been her dearly wanted child.

You are not selfish having these feelings,

You are doing what you can to support your daughter during this tragedy. I hope and trust she and her doctors come to an agreement about what is best for her right now, or that her body, which has acted once in despite of the medical profession, does so again and that she miscarries without more ado, or any complications.

I hope and trust that this time next year she will be the mother of a healthy child.

It really is very sad for all when a baby miscarries, for the mother, for the father (whose feelings can sometimes be overlooked) and grandparents. When I miscarried my first pregnancy, what would have been my parents first grandchild, I felt guilty for their loss, nothing they said or did, just my feelings. My second pregnancy had its trials and tribulations but was ultimately succesful, as was the next.

So sad for you all

My DD has two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy ( very traumatic,!) She now has two lovely little girls. It's a very difficult time and my sympathy goes to your daughter and to you. I am sure you are giving your daughter lots of support and I wish you all well. 💐💐

You’re a mother. We never stop hurting for our sons and daughters when they hurt, even when they are no longer children. I am very sorry for your family’s loss.

Don’t feel bad that you are also hurting. As long as you are not vocalizing it to her in a way that makes it all about you, and remain outwardly focused on supporting your daughter, this is a natural feeling you are having. Your daughter will feel how much you are empathizing with her, which is a good thing for her. She needs her mum. It will take time for everyone to heal. Best of luck on this healing journey.

So sad for you all.

As for you "feel selfish" because you are grieving too there is nothing "selfish" about the grief you are experiencing.

I'm sure you are aware enough to support your DD in her grief and distress while waiting until you aren't with your DD when you fully experience your own grief.

It is difficult to hold your own grief, so as not to add to your DD grief and loss, but recognising you are hurt and saddened by her loss and your loss too can help you "hold" yourself until you are in a place/with people where you can express your feelings fully is such a caring thing to. Hard but caring and your post came across as very caring .

Expressing your sadness with your DD and finding ways to comfort her when you are with her is one part of the emotional balance.

Finding ways and people to support you and others affected by your DD loss is the another part of the emotional balance.

There are some good support groups and assessable information to help too. I'm sure there are people here who can direct you to the kind of support needed in such sad situations and yours.

My daughter experienced exactly this at 10 weeks. There was no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing at around 8 weeks. I still have the first scan photo when the baby was growing and all seemed fine.

I know exactly what you mean about the mixed emotions - pain for you daughter and SIL, but also the loss of a grandchild, I was shocked by how upset I was for myself and felt I had no right to be, knowing my pain was nothing to theirs.

They opted for a collective funeral service, offered by the hospital. I think the options have been discussed on here before. My daughter asked if we would like to go, and we did. Again I felt I had no right to be there with so many grieving parents. It was very moving, and somewhere in the cemetery there is a beautiful garden where the remains of many babies, lost before they breathed, all rest together. My daughter and son in law visit every year and have found it a great comfort. It wouldn’t be right for everyone of course.

My youngest DD experienced the same and I know just how you feel. Don’t you wish you could just ‘kiss it better and make everything right for them?
Sadly, it happened 3 times at around 10/ 12 weeks
Her first pregnancy was straight forward.
However, her second son was born hale and hearty nearly two years ago and is an absolute delight.
Love to you and your daughter .

My DIL had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. It was her first pregnancy.

She went on to have an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby boy 18 months later.

I had two miscarriages and up until then I did not realise how common an occurrence it was. Several women who I thought I knew quite well told me of their miscarriages. I think women just didn't talk about it much 30-odd years ago.

It is a sad loss and I feel your pain have been there your daughter needs love and support. You are a loving caring mum not selfish at all.

It's so sad when all those hopes, expectations and joy are suddenly gone. It's very common, though, at an early stage. The 'experts' were wrong about the IVF, weren't they? It happened naturally - and can happen again. That should bring comfort. Grieve, give it time and here's hoping for a successful pregnancy in the near future.

So sorry for your pain and loss HeatherTee and you are not at all selfish.

It's because you care so much that you are feeling this way, and that shows what a loving grandma you will make one day. I am sorry for your loss, and others who have experienced the same on here will give you good advice.

I do so feel for you, HeatherTee. After one even earlier miss, my dd1 went for her 8 week scan and was told just the same - no heartbeat. She was devastated, and of course so was I, for her - she was in floods of tears on the phone.

She didn’t actually miscarry for several days - when she was at an airport abroad waiting for a flight for work - it could hardly have been worse.

After that there was quite a while when I honestly dreaded the phone ringing, in case there was more of the same - it was such a worry.

However, her third pregnancy ‘stuck’, and she went on to have 2 more healthy babies. I do so hope you and your dd will eventually have a happy outcome, too.

I might add that dd was 38 when she had her first - many of her friends were the same sort of age with first pregnancies, and several of them had at least one ‘miss’ first.

Sincere condolences - you will be feeling both her pain and your own at the loss of a grandchild.

Don’t worry that she may not conceive again- this pregnancy although sadly failed, has shown that she can conceive and, in time, hopefully will again. But it will take time.
I was devastated when DD 2 was told she had to terminate her first, and much wanted pregnancy, because the foetus was so damaged it would probably would not even survive to term. DD was nearly 38 by then but with the love and support of her wonderful husband had her lovely little boy two years later.
Nobody should dismiss a “mis” as less than a huge loss to the family, but time can and will heal.

Yes, I have had to support a daughter through a miscarriage down a hospital toilet when they told her to stay and wait as there was nothing wrong with her!!!!!!. She was 11 weeks pregnant with a much-wanted child. Unfortunately, her DD was pregnant at the same time and went on to have a healthy child.
You feel for their loss in a way you wish it was you and all you can do is give platitudes and comfort. It does not help when moving to another health authority they are told they could have sued for neglect.
I hope your daughter goes on to have another child like mine eventually did.