Being abandoned by friends during difficult times

pinkjj27 and Judy54 and every one else who has unsupportive friends and family, that is very sad. I send you all best wishes. xx

CountryMouse22

Blossoming

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

That's abominable!

I am so grateful for this post, I thought it was just me being sensitive, I am going through a cancer scare and everyone including my family have just vanished. Despite me always being there for every one and I too was told to "*cuk off”

My friend told me it’s because I live too healthy a life style and I just needed to drink some alcohol and chill.

One of my daughters called me an attention seeker even though she had seen the letters and noticed my symptoms. The other has blocked me.
My Zumba teacher has asked me to leave as I could be a liability. ( I didn’t tell her she asked me why I had lost so much weight).
I had biopsy and had to lie to the nurse that someone was picking me up, as they wouldn’t let me go home without someone picking me up and staying with me for 24 hours. I said they were waiting in the car park. I walked home and stayed by myself. I remember it was much the say when my husband was dying.
Iv spend more time crying over these responses than over my health. Wishing you all well.

First of all, REAL true friends will not abandon you in your time of need.

Unfortunately, difficult circumstances do always seem to prove just WHO your friends are. Often times the people you least expect to step up to give you a hand. That is one of life’s miracles.

Many people are repelled by a serious medical issue or illness. (I worked in Trauma Hospital for 20 yrs, I saw this happen all the time.) it makes them face their own mortality. They can’t handle that.

But there’s always support for you. Check out specific support or counseling groups to fit your need. You need to talk.
God bless.
USA Gundy

Reading this thread reminded me of a neighbour who arranged the funeral for a friend whom she had supported through illness. She did the eulogy, naming the few people in the congregation who had made the effort to visit her friend during her long illness and invited them to a posh hotel for a good lunch. Then she said, "The rest of you who have turned up today but offered no support to my friend can just Go Home"!
We are disappointed when friends and relatives do not offer help but perhaps our expectations are too high? Perhaps we need to learn to ask for help.

I think if we are supporting others who are in need, we just have to do it without expectation of reciprocation...I am working on getting my rewards in heaven. 😉

Sadly yes, I've experienced something similar. Having felt I'd supported 2 different friends, on many occasions, they both separately, went 'quiet' on me when I became unwell. In fact one became quite horrible!
I read something once, that said something like......."people aren't always in our lives for a lifetime, sometimes it's short, sometimes it's longer, but not everyone is good for you all the time". (Just as we aren't always what someone else may need).
I've come to understand this, which helped me 'put those past friendships to rest'.

I had heard about people being abandoned by “friends” when they became widows, and was relieved when it didn’t happen to me. Everybody was supportive, and the friend who gave practical help (I had young children) was invaluable. She is still my best friend. We have been through so many experiences, good and bad, together.

Yes, yes, yes. We were forgotten, by family as well. The most hurtful was from our parish church. The Church was our second home, we both volunteered abundantly. I especially was on the program to visit the home bound ill and the Hospital, especially the HIV patients. Some volunteers wouldn’t go to that unit. I almost begged for company, visits, etc. my husband had a long lingering illness and I had to be with him 24/7. Little response, but no follow up. Why, who knows. We visited and gave a hand for years. Hurts.

Illness and financial changes are the most common for losing touch with friends. Sometimes its because they just dont know how to handle it and sometimes its because the dont want to be involved in it for various reasons. Its sad and its very unfair. Anyone experiencing this I hope you find some better friends. Anyone that might feel they might have done this then try harder. I've been lucky in that I never had very close friends and most of my social friends are still happy to meet up every now and then.

Sadly, this appears to be a very common problem. I had it when I was looking after my Grandad, followed by my daughter becoming disabled and finally my Mum. Each time, when I had done my bit, I reconnected but then as my life went on hold again, found that people had disappeared again. Part of the problem is that the care has been quite intense so I have had nothing other than that to discuss which, I suppose, made me a bit boring. I tried to be upbeat and make things sound like funny stories but I guess it wasn't enough for them. It's sad but I know that I am doing the right thing by my family so, sod 'em!

I don’t have any personal experience of this, it would be very upsetting.
The closest thing like this to happen was our next door neighbour was rushed into hospital for a tooth that wouldn’t stop bleeding and didn’t come home for 18 months as he fought cancer. On the day he was rushed to hospital his son knocked on the door and asked us to help and we were happy to do so. We took the wife to hospital and back and helped in anyway we could. The strange thing was that doing that for 18 months we never saw either son in that entire time. When our neighbour recovered the sons were back to visiting as normal. When their dad had a relapse we were there again and never saw them again until he came out of hospital again. (thankfully he has been cancer free for 10 years). The thing that upset me the most was that their mum was at home on her own all the time, it was quite cruel and heartbreaking really.

Friendships have a natural lifespan. They are seldom going to be 'for life'. We need to build personal resilience. I found that with lock-down and arthritis I was no longer able to go to the gym with a group of friends I had been seeing three times a week for at least eight years. We tried Zoom calls but it was all very unnatural and stilted. Then my son became very ill and I was cooking all of his meals and my husband was delivering them to him as he had to follow a special diet. My friends disapproved of my being at home for so long and on one of our Zoom calls I shared when one of them asked how he was, that I was worried sick about our son. The reaction was a stoney silence. But actually it did me good. I realised that I didn't need them and don't actually care about their company anymore. I have moved on to socialise with a group of local older people who are comfortable to be with and we meet once a week for lunch. They feel like an extended family and we all look out for each other. At the same time I don't expect anything of them nor they of me. My husband has always said "there's you and me and then there is the rest of the world, we don't depend on anyone", We have two grown up children, both married with two children each. We love them all very much and they love us but we expect nothing from them or anyone else. They have turned out to be very generous as we have got older but nothing is expected of them or of anyone else we know. That way you will never be disappointed and then anything good that happens is a bonus.

CountryMouse22

Blossoming

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

That's abominable!

totally bizarre.. people are very strange...

It is absolutely true that some so-called friends will absent themselves very quickly when things go downhill, but I think sometimes people don't know how to cope with the change in circumstances. As you can't do the things you used to do with them they don't know how to approach the new you. However, anyone with anything about them would be able to say something like, "Let me know if I can help in any way, even just to chat."

I went something similar few years ago my best friend had cancer and that was something she struggled with how her friends disappeared when they knew she was terminal and they said after she was gone they just didn’t know how to cope with it or say. Maybe that’s what is wrong with your friends I know you need them but you will find your genuine friends. When my friend was at the end it was hard to watch but only a few of us were there. But as one of her daughters said well at least mum knows who were her real friends are. Hopefully your not going through the same hugs 🤗

I agree, that what hurts most is that having supported friends in their hour of need, they don't reciprocate.

Hubby has Long Covid, and needs an oxygen machine as h got pneumonia which progressed to P{pulmonary Fibrosis--Dr's said there's no cure, so we bumble on--but some friends, and some family seem to think it shouldn't stop us from participating in coffees, /drinks./meals etc--- they don't "get it" that he is suffering and struggling to breathe, all the time, and is uncomfortable in company. He takes steroids too which means his face and neck are swollen- the man has his pride and people don't get it !! (He is 75) Our holidaying and travelling days out are over, we are ok with it, some others aren't

Yes I have come to realise just how self absorbed some so called friends are , I'm just gradually phasing them out . I've spent hours of my life listening to them , their joys and sorrows but they can't do me the courtesy of listening or even attempting to pretend interested .
They ring now and again for a chat which means over an hour of listening to them talk about themselves. Their family etc etc , they enquire but don't wait for an answer , the chat is over and they have to go .
It used to hurt but now , I just don't care , I don't pick up the phone .
Judy54. You've been a good friend over the years , I get how disappointed you are . Who needs that kind of selfishness .

Judy you have my sympathy on every level. I have a long term health condition which has massively impacted on my life. I am fortunate as friends and family, in the main part, have been very supportive. When I am unwell (I don’t look much different) I think it is hard for people to understand or relate. I also think that some people simply cannot cope with the ill health of others. Stick with those who stick with you and try to forgive the others. Even if they don’t deserve it, you can chose to be the bigger person. Wishing you all the luck in the world x 💐

Yep. My son’s entire life. No one believes he’s Ill except the doctors. He virtually bed bound. People are horribly intolerant and seem to think people want to live the restricted lives caused by chronic ill health - ridiculous 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m sorry things are hard.

Pretty sure it’s a known thing that real friends if you are lucky to have them…..can be counted on one hand!!!

Real friends stick by you. Dreadful shock when one realises that one has but a handful. Sounds as if these posters know a lot of shallow peopl.

My husband had a stroke at 53 and has had a couple of TIAs since and yes that's when you find out who your true friends are.Its especially tough when they look perfectly OK. Some do step up though like the rugby coach who wasn't a particular friend who said our son , who was 10 at the time, would never miss a match or training session because he would pick him up himself . Or our quiz team friends who said they would sit with him so I could go out if I wanted a break since I worked full time and have 5 DSs And 1SS . I was OK but it was just so very kind of them. That was 15 years ago but you never forget who your true friends are . The others are not worth wasting your time even thinking about.

I am not trying in anyway to decry things that have been said on here.
However, some people when they are ill, or have very close relatives who are ill, seem to make that illness define them. Rarely talk about anything else, and have the attitude that No-one can be anywayg as near as ill or in as much pain as them.

Some will even use their serious illness as on on-going excuse to be downright rude to people.

And, it is these sort of behaviors that can make people try to avoid further contact.

My husband, at quite a young age became seriously disabled with MS, but his was his personality change that put so many people off from having much contact with him. He NEVER asked for help only demanded it, never said, Sorry to anyone. He is now a very longely, extremely disabled person, only visited by his caers and a duty visit from our adult children about once a year each. So many people have tried to be friends with hium but are pushed back and insulted. So, when the AC do visit him, never once does he enquire about thier lives or their children, or show any interest whatseover if they try to talk to him about those things.

Someone else I know, yes with some painful conditions, spends so much time listing every single pain or disomfort on facebook that it become embarrassing.

Many people are living with quite serious, often painful illnesses, but feel that the only people they need to talk to about these are their doctors.

I started to suffer a chronic pain condition in 2007, which is handled poorly, by opiates. Sadly I can now count the number of true friends I have on the fingers of one hand...Many simply do not understand, but good friends can appear along the way. Good luck to you both, and if you want a chat - feel free xxx