Being abandoned by friends during difficult times

I am dealing with a similar situation at the moment, due to chronic ill health.
Part of the problem is I look so well and don't look ill.
Some of my friends just don't get it and think I'm exagerrating the extent of my ill health.

It is making me really sad and has been on my mind a lot.
I have realised that they are not true friends, especially my sister in law, whom DH and I supported way and above, during her husband's chronic illnesses. I haven't seen her since November yet, she lives just around the corner. So many empty promises.

I have learned to accept it.
However, I have to say , on a positive note, that there have been a few Gransnetters, who have been so supportive and held my hand on a number of occasions.

I'm not looking for sympathy, please don't think that.

I had a similar problem when my DH had terminal cancer. One friend asked me if he was bedbound. I told her he spent most of his time gardening to which she replied 'he can't be that ill then can he'.
You do find out who your true friends are in these situations.

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

How very true.
I have been twice bereaved in the last 18 months, and the people who have been extraordinarily kind to me are those I barely knew. The opposite is true of people from whom I would have expected support, ( particularly late DH’s sister who has been a 24 carat b..ch)!

Really sorry to hear that, when you need them most, they turned their back. They were your friends in the circumstances you were in. You're in different circumstances now, and need new friends.
There are support groups, both virtual and hopefully, in your area. And there are other groups you can join that will accept this new you.

Some people cannot deal with illness or infirmity and if they cannot make it better will stop contact.

This may not be helpful, but my experience was the opposite.
Those who knew the extent of Paws illness and limitations were more that conscientious and considerate .
They stepped up whenever he was rushed into hospital or every time they saw the ambulance in the drive and on one memorable occasion (which I might rather have forgotten) my neighbour (and best friend) and her husband came entirely unbidden and cleaned up after I had found Paw unconscious on the bedroom floor as he had tried to get to the loo on his own. I wanted to go with him in the ambulance but if I had left the carpet as it was for the rest of the day or however long we would have been in A&E, would never have got it clean again. They just appeared at the door with the marigolds, bucket, scrubbing brush and carpet cleaner!
Friends in need, friends in deed!

People who desert you in your time of need are not friends. Sad but true. Happily I have observed this but not experienced it.

My aunt told me that my dad looked too well to have cancer. He died from it. She's a grade A bitch too. Grandmattie.

Some people do find it difficult to cope with illness in friends or relatives and want to find a solution. Have you actually had a frank conversation with them Judy and explained things ?

They really were good friends Maw

To Judy54 and all those on here who're facing the loss of friends through illness.

It is inevitable. Some people just cannot cope with other people's ill health. For whatever reason(s). Try not to dwell on it. There are, and always will be, those that care - even for strangers. The world has not lost its compassion.

I joined an online group related to my partner's disease. And I met so many kind and helpful people in the group - those that without prompting, ask how you are if you don't communicate for a couple of days, offer advice and suggestions, and a few virtual hugs.

It's a lonely world when you or your partner are ill. But you're not alone. And there are many kind people on here.

Blossoming

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

Well that was a 'friend' you were well rid of. Actually, I think you should feel sorry for her / him... it's not a normal reaction, so they must have something wrong with them.

Sadly a friend I had taken care of for many years during her own illness, completely abandoned me during the final days of my lovely mum dying from cancer. Apparently it was "too triggering" for her MH to speak about how hard I was finding the situation. Safe to say she is no longer a friend, she didn't contact me once not even after mum died.

Kim19

People who desert you in your time of need are not friends. Sad but true. Happily I have observed this but not experienced it.

I can vouch for that. I had a friend for several years, supported her through her cancer treatment (went with her to all the treatments), drove every time we went to our exercise classes (3 times weekly) and every Saturday, when we went out for the evening. She stopped contacting me when I became ill, and it's been 17 months since I saw her. People like that aren't true friends.

I completely agree with chardy's post. They are people with whom you will have a lot in common. Mutual practical and emotional support is invaluable.

In my case, a very good friend of mine lost her husband last year - I visited her several times and rang her a couple of times a week, to the point where I felt I was intruding. I ended the last conversation, saying that if she needed me, she only had to call. From seeing her and her husband almost every week, she has just dropped me like a hot brick. And I don’t know why. She has a very supportive family and good neighbours. In know she’s ok . but …..

As I have said, I have been doing a lot of thinking about this.

Do friends abandon us, because they think we may expect them to support us and make demands on their time, when they are busy with their own lives?

A close friend and I have known each other for over forty years, yet now when I arrange for us to meet up or ask her round for a visit, she find excuses at the last minute.
It certainly knocks your confidence and I am beginning to believe the fault may be actually mine, not hers.

When you are seriously unwell, you feel vulnerable, frightened and need friendship even more.
I would love to know the answer.

I’ve experienced this recently. My job is in a caring roll and a few people lent on me heavily with their needs. Where are they now. I needed shoulders a couple of weeks ago.

I’ve decided to keep the three that stuck around but make some new acquaintances. Onwards and upwards

People can change overnight for reasons unknown to us. An American friend I had changed from day to night. She was bubbly and joyous but as she aged she became totally self absorbed. Another friend became deeply religious to the point that she judged everyone and the third, on realising she was aging turned from day to night and became really quite unpleasant. I did go and see a counsellor and they told me that friend come and go with the years, we are lucky to have one or two real friends but more often they are there for a season and then gone. She told me to plant and water my own garden so that my own interests and life brought me joy rather than look to other people for support. Easier said than done but it does make sense. If you have a couple of good life long friends you are very lucky.

I've experienced the same, though not through illness but my husband's job redundancy.
Dropped like a hot brick by certain "best friends." A nasty life lesson to learn.

The only conclusion I can come to is that some shallow people think the "bad things" in life are catching.
Unfortunately I'd say don't waste your energy worrying about their reaction to your situation. Concentrate on what your needs are now.
New and better friends will come along in time, often from unexpected sources.

Sad to say Ihave also experienced this.
My H developed Alzheimer’s and very soon friends of very long standing started drifting and then dropped off altogether.
Never visited him or even asked how he was.
It was fine when we all socialised, weekends away, entertained them for meals but when that became impossible, dropped like hot potatoes.
I now use them when it suits me which isn’t very often.
One Husband I haven’t seen since he came to see me with his wife 3 days after my H died.
Previously they played golf together, squash every week and had a night a week in the pub.
I may forgive but I will never forget.

When my son was very ill many friends were super supportive all except one who never even contacted me. My son didn’t get better and died on Dec 17th of the year he was diagnosed with Leukaemia.

The friend phoned me up soon after and asked me would I like to go to her New Year’s party. As I felt at the time I had no future I hope it took her a while to get over the roasting I gave her on the phone, the last sentence being never contact me again!

I'm sorry you're going through this Judy. People can be very insensitive. For some reason, some people think that illness is what happens to other people and they don't want to be around it.
When my young nephew contracted leukemia and subsequently died, the family were there day and night for my brother and sister-in-law. Except for my older sister who couldn't visit him as 'it would upset her'. Never mind that he had gone through untold horrors.

Blossoming

My (as I thought) closest friend dropped me like a hot brick following my brain injury. I never found out why. Another more distant friend told me to ‘f*ck off’ when I told her I had cancer. So I did. I had supported her through many crises.

That's abominable!