Being abandoned by friends during difficult times

LucyLocket55

It is very difficult on both sides. I am reading this and feeling guilty. I had a friend whom I met on a secretarial course. Nice but rather mouselike woman (aged 29 at the time), long story short, we rattled on meeting up, attended each others weddings etc, she married her much older boss had no children as he already had three. Became granny to step grandchildren at 40, embraced grannyship. Suffered from all sorts of nasties such as ovarian cancer, ME, you name it she had it but genuinely. Became a recluse even before Covid as she was always unwell, her husband quite happy about it.

However all she could talk about was death and illness, no happiness or positivity, and every time I visited or spoke on the phone I came away feeling so down and deflated. Final straw for me was my father being taken into hospital with terminal cancer and all she wanted to do was talk about her cousins husband who had just died from brain tumour. I didn’t intentionally ghost her, but I did.
We now exchange Christmas and birthday cards with snippets of news ( hers still about illnesses) but I don’t want to rattle her cage again, despite still feeling bad about it as she was a kindly woman, old before her time ( she is 62 going on 92)

LucyLocket I'm not sure that you should feel guilty in thatboarticular circumstance. Friendship is a two way process and this one wasn't! That is not the same as the scenario the OP describes.

Be kind to yourself!

Thank you loopyloo

Camille, my heart goes out to you.
And to all who feel they are alone.
.

Sadly I know how you feel,my son was diagnosed with a permanent mental illness ,it's devastating to know your child has a dismal future.In the end my friends don't understand ,think I can just dismiss it as nothing ,I can't ,I only have one friend now ,the rest have healthy children and we don't have anything in common,they don't want to know ,I'm alone in my grief.

It is very difficult on both sides. I am reading this and feeling guilty. I had a friend whom I met on a secretarial course. Nice but rather mouselike woman (aged 29 at the time), long story short, we rattled on meeting up, attended each others weddings etc, she married her much older boss had no children as he already had three. Became granny to step grandchildren at 40, embraced grannyship. Suffered from all sorts of nasties such as ovarian cancer, ME, you name it she had it but genuinely. Became a recluse even before Covid as she was always unwell, her husband quite happy about it.

However all she could talk about was death and illness, no happiness or positivity, and every time I visited or spoke on the phone I came away feeling so down and deflated. Final straw for me was my father being taken into hospital with terminal cancer and all she wanted to do was talk about her cousins husband who had just died from brain tumour. I didn’t intentionally ghost her, but I did.
We now exchange Christmas and birthday cards with snippets of news ( hers still about illnesses) but I don’t want to rattle her cage again, despite still feeling bad about it as she was a kindly woman, old before her time ( she is 62 going on 92)

Losing not closing

Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia runs in my family. One who just died (59 y.o.) from complications lived in Housing for the Elderly and the folks that supported him were mostly from his church but his neighbors and the staff that saw him almost daily left him little care packages and occasionally brought him dinner. One immigrant couple who barely spoke English invited him weekly to dinner and always had a kind smile for him. Even tho he was bound to a wheelchair, he managed to get to the church where he was well-loved. Another brother with HSP has no loving connections in his life and the contrast is night and day. He's paranoid and quite delusional but lives in a big city where he's able to hold a job. His life is very hard and he has no car. Way back, he lived with me and my family for a year but now I'm 10 hours away by car.... There is a brother who lives in the same city but wants little to do with him. It's hard.

Yes Blossoming. Some people seem to think that illness is something that happens to other people.
I wouldn't be bothered by friends distancing themselves. I've never really been one for friends but I find it hard to forgive my sister for abandoning our brother and sister-in-law when they were closing their son to cancer.
.

pinkjj27 it’s like some people think it’s catching or something.

It's called ghosting and happened to me when I was ill. Very upsetting. It certainly shows you who your real friends are. 💐

We just want to get on with our lives and feel it is a shame when friends are less than understanding. We do appreciate that it may not be possible for them to see the world through our eyes

Your desire to get on with your lives as they are now is entirely appropriate and the best approach. Friends don't need to see the world through your eyes but they are perfectly able to see what is possible in your present world and adapt to that! True friends will do that

I struggle to excuse people because "they can't face it" or "they don't know what to say!" etc etc. If that is the case it is their problem and frankly they need to do something about their problem and grow up!! Sometimes I think we excuse too much!

I hope you can find enjoyment in life now with those of your friends who are able to enjoy it with you by adapting, observing, asking, listening, thinking rather than running away or just being too selfish!

for judy and everyone else who’s suffering.

Reading these posts makes me feel quite sad. Why would anyone drop a friend because they’re suffering bad health? What an indictment of the human race.
I have two friends, well one’snot even really a friend, she’s someone I know, who have been suffering cancer this last year, and I’ve been visiting and listening and trying to support them. I’m not polishing my halo, it’s just the natural reaction in my opinion.

Minerva so sorry.

It is really hard when friends, especially lifelong friends, just drop away when things go wrong.
I can’t imagine ever doing that to anyone, but a friend for over 60 years just dropped me like the proverbial brick when ill health hit my family.
It’s not easy making friends in later life, but am grateful that I have made a couple of new friends. Also joined U3A which gets me out and about. I no longer waste thinking time on my old friend, it’s her loss.

Judy54, it all sounds so familiar to me. It's a time when you find out who your friends really are - and who to drop for good.

One friend (not close, back then) sat in the garden and had a quiet word with me. She admitted that she felt useless, embarrassed, alarmed and somewhat frightened by the changes in DH's appearance and behaviour - so asked what she could/should do to help.

I wanted her to just be her usual self, pop in for tea and be company for me, chat and be cheerful - that would help. I was so glad she took the time to ask (rather than steer clear) - and we're very good friends 25 years on.

Being widowed is a good test of friendship and in- law family.

Friends as a couple, tend to drift away and the in laws did too, as though I was never married to their brother. They were hunky dory when my husband was alive. One brother has never been in touch, another was in touch to quiz me about cause of death, in case it affected him via genetics. Empathy is clearly lacking in many people

Thank goodness I have a very loving, communicative, helpful and caring immediate family, AC, 5 siblings, dgc

Judy54 I am not surprised to hear it and I’m afraid I have no advice except to treasure the friends who stay constant. I can count mine on one hand or even four fingers. I mean the ones close enough in distance to be in physical contact, not counting relations too far away to visit or internet friends.

Something terrible happened to one of my children age 10 and I was shocked at the reaction of people who had been friends, and even relations, and known my children all their lives and never asked how any of us were coping. I had heard of people crossing the road to avoid having to talk to bereaved people and that was just what happened to us. It was as if my child was at fault, or we were, or had died, which thankfully was not the case, just scarred for life. Of course I have gained friends since then over the decades but I tend to keep people, all but a few, at arm’s length as a result.

crazyH

In my case, a very good friend of mine lost her husband last year - I visited her several times and rang her a couple of times a week, to the point where I felt I was intruding. I ended the last conversation, saying that if she needed me, she only had to call. From seeing her and her husband almost every week, she has just dropped me like a hot brick. And I don’t know why. She has a very supportive family and good neighbours. In know she’s ok . but …..

After being widowed, I needed to be left alone, to lick my wounds as it were.
It’s still early days for your friend and it is a very strange time.
I wouldn’t take this personally as she may have similar feelings, feels vulnerable and is not ready to socialise.
As you say, you know she’s ok and hopefully she hasn’t “dropped you like a hot brick” but is just keeping to herself until she feels able to carry on as before.

I know that until someone has experienced something them selves they can't really understand how the other person feels.

I have just had first hand experience of this.

A good friend became very unwell with chronic fatigue and pain some years ago and is still really unwell. I used to think she perhaps wasn't trying hard enough to get well. I missed our friendship as she wasn't able to be a friend in the ways we had known. I got frustrated on occasion but accepted that she was the way she was now and was sympathetic and enjoyed her in her new limited way but I didn't really appreciate or understand what her challenges were.

I recently had a total hip replacement and was unable to move and was totally exhausted and had nausea for about 3 weeks.It was really grim and I sometimes felt quite low. I then all of a sudden understood how it might be for my friend day in day out, year in year out, with being so disabled. I became a lot more compassionate as I now understand. I told her what I had now understood about her situation and she was so grateful to be 'heard'.

A lot of people find illness difficult to be around and feel either inadequate or threatened. Perhaps it shakes their ideas about their own health. Perhaps it makes them feel too vulnerable.

It's sad that friendships can be so fragile

Shizam
A sad story. Yes, you are correct - ”people are well weird.” Family can be the most disappointing and hurtful sometimes, not just friends.

I think some people become afraid of illness and just do not know what to do or say or how to behave around a person with troubles. So they put their head in the sand and get on with their lives, letting other peoples worries drift completely over their heads.

Remember one aunt saying of her sister, who had lived with her for most of her life, that she was just attention-seeking while in hospital for an array of problems. None of the family visited. Poorly aunt died a little while later.
People are well weird. And often not very nice, even to their nearest and apparently not dearest.

This happened to me in similar circumstances. It seems that some folk cannot cope with serious ill health, and some don’t know how to relate to a bereaved person. Eventually one gets over the hurt, moves on and is in a position to help others. I suppose that’s the only positive outcome: developing empathy when you see it happening to someone else.

Thank you for your replies and for sharing your stories. Just to address some of the points made: We do have support from newer friends and from our church. We have had a frank conversation with our friends and explained the deterioration in Mr J's health. Unfortunately this was to much information for them, whilst we kept information to a minimum they were able to cope with it. No his illness does not define who he is and we have rarely discussed his health until changes made this necessary. So no we don't go on about it and bore people with chapter and verse. We just want to get on with our lives and feel it is a shame when friends are less than understanding. We do appreciate that it may not be possible for them to see the world through our eyes.