Do you offer help or give it?

In the last few years this has caused me some problems.
I have neighbours who became friendly after we moved in, but who it turns out have problems with boundaries.
I started off helping them out when the husband had a health crisis, but these became more intense and more frequent. In the end my neighbour was calling us both in to solve all of their problems, even on my birthday. This came to a head when her husband started to experience bouts of aggression.
Months down the line we have worked hard to establish boundaries and i help by making my friend welcome here, going out with her when she gets sitting hours, running an errand or ordering online for her if she needs it.

I can honestly say that I’ve helped others before and not struggled with boundaries. (Although I did struggle to establish boundaries around my mum.) But now I would have to think very hard before i jumped in to help.

My mother died a few days before my youngest was born. A neighbour shouted across the local shopping precinct asking if she could help in any way. A few days later I rang and asked her if she could pick up my daughter from the dance class that her daughter also attended. She told me that she was not a bloody taxi service!

When the Bodach died there were a lot of people saying ‘ You know where we are’, but I would never have dreamt of asking them for help. I’m also swiert to ask my family for help, as I can manage by myself most of the time.
I think that what someone else suggested is, to me, the best way, to make a specific offer,say ‘ I’m going shopping, can I get you anything?’ or, ‘ I’ve made a load of food, can you use some?’

So to get back to the spirit of the OP...........
I think it's important to think about how help is offered. How many times do we say to someone "Let me know if there's anything I can do" ? Its very difficult for most of us to reply "Oh thanks, can you just do that basket of ironing / fetch me some shopping / clean out the cat's litter" Often people don't really know exactly what they need and are fearful of getting it wrong and causing offence.
Much better to be specific: "I'm off to the shop later, can I pick anything up for you?"

Unbelievably harsh fwiw HPQ, we live away from my husband's elderly parents and we have a limit on any type of care to even putting the bins out. They have lovely neighbours who help out but it's not ideal, so I understand how you feel.

Another of your very harsh posts Grammygrammy
Not in the spirit of GN.

GrammyGrammy

HousePlantQueen

Interesting thread. My late DM was never shy about asking neighbours for help with her bins or for a lift to the pharmacy etc., At her funeral, I 'apologised' to said neighbours for these requests and all of them said they were happy that DM asked, it saved them wondering if she needed help, or worrying about offending her by asking if she needed anything. They knew that if she didn't ask it was because she didn't need help, not because she was being independent or afraid/embarrassed to ask.

If any of my adult daughters apologised for me at my funeral I would not be happy. How dare you. Seriously. If you feel the need to apologise for her asking neighbours for help- perhaps an apology to them for your own failure to help your mother, so that they had to step in to help her instead, would have been more appropriate. Unbelievable.

How unbelievably rude are you!! Wind your interfering judgemental neck in, you know nothing of how much time I spent with my later Mother, or of the great relationship we both had with her neighbours. I am however, eternally thankful that you were not one of her neighbours.

HousePlantQueen

Interesting thread. My late DM was never shy about asking neighbours for help with her bins or for a lift to the pharmacy etc., At her funeral, I 'apologised' to said neighbours for these requests and all of them said they were happy that DM asked, it saved them wondering if she needed help, or worrying about offending her by asking if she needed anything. They knew that if she didn't ask it was because she didn't need help, not because she was being independent or afraid/embarrassed to ask.

If any of my adult daughters apologised for me at my funeral I would not be happy. How dare you. Seriously. If you feel the need to apologise for her asking neighbours for help- perhaps an apology to them for your own failure to help your mother, so that they had to step in to help her instead, would have been more appropriate. Unbelievable.

I offer, stand back waiting the person to accept or not - their choice.

Depends on the circumstances, on relationships, and on cultural norms. Both offering and giving can be appropriate... You can't generalise, as each case is individual.

I do both, but as yet am reluctant to receive help!

I am an offerer. I see it as an investment. It means I will not feel too bad should I have, in the future, to accept help myself.

I will have paid my debt in advance.

I offer help, and if/when I see they are struggling and not asking I insist a bit. Sometimes people are embarrassed to ask, for any help. especially when they have been very independant untill now. I then say that I understand how they feel, I am the same, but would they please let me help out in this specific situation so they can be on their feet again as soon as possible. It helps if the offer can be very specific. I was the chemo-radiationtherapy driver for my best friend, that meant a lot for her as her husband was emotionally not capable of coping with that on top of all the rest. He had enough on his plate with the house, the shopping and cooking ánd his job. Together we did great, and I didn't have to burst in on their privacy!

I am very independent and try always to manage.
I very rarely ask for help but would like to be asked by my neighbours.
One day last week I wished my neighbour a happy new year as it was the first time I have seen her for months.
The neighbour the other side occasionally put my bins back at the side of the house but they stay out until my GD comes home from work mostly.
When I was first married and working I had put washing out and it rained, my then neighbour not only fetched it in but ironed it all.
I was horrified and never left washing out again whilst out.
That to me was a step too far.

Interesting thread. My late DM was never shy about asking neighbours for help with her bins or for a lift to the pharmacy etc., At her funeral, I 'apologised' to said neighbours for these requests and all of them said they were happy that DM asked, it saved them wondering if she needed help, or worrying about offending her by asking if she needed anything. They knew that if she didn't ask it was because she didn't need help, not because she was being independent or afraid/embarrassed to ask.

Cleaning the entire house for someone who is ill is kindly meant, but judging from the post the helper didn't ask if the unwell person wanted her house cleaned!

I would be considerably annoyed if anyone presumed to clean my house, unasked. It's not that dirty or untidy!

When I offer to help and my offer is accepted, I ask what the person I am helping needs help with and do that, and usually only that.

If I can see that something needs to be done, say the bathroom cleaned, or the cat's litter tray emptied, I mention it, saying I don't mind doing it, and do it if this offer is accepted. Otherwise, I would leave the bathroom strictly alone, and only clean the poor cat's tray sufficiently for her to want to use it!

If I accept help, I ask the helper what I can do for her in exchange, if there isn't anything, then I invite her to lunch as a thank you.

I am an offerer of help but I won't keep pushing. I tell people to always ask as long as they don't mind me saying no if circumstances don't allow it. That said, I will move mountains to help rather than refuse.
When my friend's partner died from cancer, her other friends rallied round with cooking stuff for the freezer, I was more likely to go get prescriptions and help her navigate the system to get help. I worried that I wasn't being a good enough friend but to be honest, cooking meals never entered my head.

Offering as opposed to actually doing something unasked is a cultural and sub-cultural phenomenon I think. We have a summer house in a southern Mediterranean country and a couple of weeks after I lost my Mum who had lived with us for 12 years as she had been deteriorating, I went with my husband to the house to retreat for two weeks. As soon as our neighbours knew we were arriving, we had food on the doorstep every morning (fresh bread, honey, fruit etc)., and every evening (stews, stuffed peppers, etc). This was totally cultural, the same is done for a woman after giving birth or a stay in hospital, and that extends into coming into the house and cleaning, taking away washing and returning with it clean. Personally, I was grateful for the care and love that this kind of unasked-for help signalled to me.

Interestingly when husband and myself had covid at the start of the pandemic, I found carrier bags twice on my front door step with shop-bought sourdough bread, and home-made produce. Again this was a level of help for which I was very appreciative.

Personally, I do both - I offer and also give but the giving stops at food at the front door.

I will offer help but there is a limit to what I can do as I work full time and still have family living at home.

I hate people helping me

I support a man who has a learning disability and to be honest I treat him as if he’s a younger son. In some circumstances I offer help, but in others I just do what needs to be done. Last year I offered to take him on his first ever holiday, which he accepted. Recently I noticed he had a problem with his internet so I just arranged for a BT engineer to fix it.

One man I supported for 25 years was fiercely independent and any help offered was purely on his terms. He died at the end of last year and it was only as he was dying that I had to be more forthright in doing what was needed. He wanted to die at home and stay out of hospital so I had to persuade him to let me help him to achieve that. It was very hard for me to insist he had to accept my help - and then he came to a position where he would only accept help from me and not from the Hospice nurses. It was a traumatic time.

My health has been very poor for the past couple of years, so I now have a friend who comes in to clean for me (I pay her well) and family members are very good at offering help too.

I’m definitely a helper, but very respectful of how others might see it, there’s no way I’d clean someone’s house top to bottom, but I’d shop for them , changing beds. Vacuum etc, I think going in to someone’s home and cleaning it from top to bottom is very much Ott, I don’t really ask for help myself, if I’ve ever needed it I have husband that would do it, so I’m lucky like that,

I would be horrified if anyone cleaned my house without asking!! I offer help and agree specific offers are the way to go, otherwise people aren't sure if you really mean it and often don't like to say what they actually need help with.

I'm good at giving help but cannot take it. My son always wants to do things for me but I rarely take him up on it. I don't want to encroach on his time with his family. Also, when I split up from my ex I vowed not to depend on anyone again. It could be my downfall in years to come as my pride won't let me ask for help.

Often though people are reluctant to say they need help in certain areas. I think when offering help you could specify things like cleaning, shopping, bed changing etc. Otherwise it just becomes something to say but not really meant. When I fractured my pelvis I was so grateful to the friend who came and changed my bed and cleaned the bathroom.

Or toes even.tut