Lost confidence in driving

LRavenscroft

Thank you so much for all your kind responses. I am very pleased to say that I drove to our local supermarket today, did my weekly shop and drove home. Once I started I was happy reach my goal for today. Tomorrow I will drive into my local town and park up in the multi storey. Little by little. But this is the great community of Gransnetters as you do not feel alone.

Well done you!

I used to be a very confident driver, would think nothing of driving to Northants from Scotland and back - but as my health has declined I have become more and more agoraphobic. My last long haul trip was in October 2021 when I drove from Wilts to my Mums in Yorkshire to bring her down to live close to me. To be honest, I don't know how I did it? I was there for a week, and the day she actually moved and everything from the house had gone, it was 4pm by the time we had taken the keys to the estate agent, and I had a 4 hour journey ahead of me. It was because I was finding it more and more difficult to get to her, she was 85 and my brother was 2 1/2 hours away too that it had to be done really. Since that day, I think the furthest I have driven is 20 miles! My car is nearly 4 yrs old and only the other day did it pass 10,000 miles! Literally go to her village, which is also where my doctors is, to the dentist in the larger town near me and that's about it! I am not worried about the driving though, am still pretty confident about that, it's more the 'going out' that I struggle with now ....

I know exactly how you feel. After my cataract operations I had distance vision without glasses for the first time since 1947! I was a nervous wreck driving though, had lost confidence, catastrophising over losing concentration, the car breaking down etc. Then I had to drive 30 miles or so to a hospital in a town I do not know. There was nobody who could take me and public transport hopeless. I set off with hours to spare and did it. I wouldn’t say I enjoyed the experience, but I’m aware that if I stop driving I’ll be scunnered ( to use a Scottish expression). I talk to myself as I drive along and it helps. Keep driving & good luck.

I’d highly recommend getting an automatic car. Driving becomes a pleasure again as you don’t have so much to do.
I plug my phone into my car for sat nav and that helps too. It displays on the car touch screen, so larger than the phone screen, and the volume is adjustable too.
My lovely car has parking sensors so parking is much easier now.
Don’t give up yet, it’s nice to have the freedom to just go when and where you want without having to rely on infrequent public transport or unreliable taxis.

It’s so strange, isn’t it, how confidence can disappear with age. I drove happily from age of 17 all over the world, alone. Few years ago, suffered agarophobic panic attack driving back from Cornwall. Never shook it off. Think it may have been menopausal linked. Now the ‘fear’ has become habituated. Am thinking of getting VAR style therapy to shake it off.
Good luck with conquering your fears. And well done for your latest journey,

I had a second stroke two years ago. I wondered if I would be able to drive a manual car as I had residual damage to my left thumb and two left forefingers. My consultant said I was legal to drive after a month. I started doing very short trips to my local shops and gradually built up to drive to the next village. I realised I had lost confidence about choosing the right moment to filter from the slipway onto a fast motorway, i.e making that vital decision assessing the speed of oncoming
vehicles and moving out onto the motorway safely. I had acdrivinf assessment, not a retest before Covid and was told by the assessor that I was a safe driver.
He was able to answer queries I had in various road safety topics which boosted my confidence as well. My son wanted me and his Dad to be reassessed as we had reached 70 yrs. He works on emergency ambulances and has pointed out that serious accidents can occur if someone has a medical event and a crash is caused to other innocent road users through no fault of the driver who became ill. I now only drive locally in in the daylight. As others have suggested, I think having a few refresher lessons from a professional driving instructor could be a starting point for your increasing confident and then just do short journeys and increase the distance bit by bit. The freedom of a driving licence is just so useful and appealing.

I had a driving assessment, not a test at around age 70 yrs. My first stroke happened in 2014 and I was very fortunate in that I recovered fully with no residual damage.

My husband was the main driver in our family and was a very good driver. He drove on motorways all the time. Unfortunately he was diagnosed with cataracts then prostate cancer and his medication made him very tired. He also has problems with his peripheral vision. He hasn't driven for 2 years (and he's not the best passenger). He has had two cataract operations and is going for a lid lift operation for his peripheral vision. He says he is now ready to drive now he has new glasses for driving but I am very nervous about him driving. How would feel about being a passenger with him because I am very nervous and don't know how to deal with this without upsetting him

I've never driven and always managed to get about - but then I'm just outside London. At least I'll never suffer the inconvenience of having to give up. Still, I really can't believe that there are no minicabs in the country.

I can sympathise. I had not driven for a few years when I was thrown in at the deep end. DH always enjoyed driving more than me, then suddenly, no DH. I have a huge roundabout phobia (that is, a phobia about huge roundabouts) but am getting to grips with it. I don’t go anywhere near motorways. Take it slowly, pick your battles regarding the trips you make, and your confidence will return.

I am a day late replying to this as was out yesterday. I have done 10 years of hospital ambulance car driving and found that many women were put off or hesitant in driving, partly the fault of their husbands! Very often women are competent and efficient drivers. Then their husband retires and tends to take over the driving. also if there have been two cars and now down to one it will be the one the husband likes driving. This is often too big, especially if the wife is a lot shorter than the husband. What sounds nice or "ok you drive "ends up taking your confidence . Also it is easy to slip into becoming a passenger and just looking at the scenery and not noting routes. I suggest to women that they should keep driving , if only twice a week to just keep their hand in. Be stubborn and if you are going to have only one car, insist that it is one y ou feel comfortable and happy to drive. These days anyway it will probably be cheaper to run too. Then on any long runs , share and share about and not just doing the easy bits but literally doing perhaps 50 miles each or whatever fits in with your journey. This way you keep your independance and should the day arrive - which it can - when your partner is unable to drive for perhaps medical reasons , poor eyesight or some sudden situation you will be ready to take over and able to drive to hospital in an emergency or to visit or whatever. If your partner tends to tut or disagree with the route you choose, either give them a taste of their own medicine and critisize their routes and driving and when they complain explain that is exactly what you do with me. It can be a bit of a tough love situation especially at a time of change such as retirement but it is very important to keep your independance and feel comfortable driving. If you find it difficult driving with them, arrange a few trips with friends so that you relax and feel ok being in charge. Then I always suggest that you obviously check your planned route on a map before you do any long trips and have an idea of the options on the routes. It is a good idea to also look at towns to the left and right of your route. sometimes signposts will say York for quite a distance and the next one suddenly does not mention York. If you know the other towns you can at least follow the sign for one nearest to York that you recognise and then pull in at a layby and just check your map and feel confident on where you will go to next. Stopped at a traffic light? So just lift your shoulders towards your neck and then relax. Tighten your hands into fists and then relax them. It helps you to realize how your body is reacting and let yourself relax and breathe deeply. Keep going ladies, for as long as you are safe to do so. Look in the local paper and see if there is an art exhibition or a garden to visit. That gives your driving purpose and also you enjoy what you are going to visit. This gives you pleasure and encourages you to carry on doing such things. Perhaps get together a group of you and you could take turns in driving and share the fuel costs. Travelling with like minded people who are not likely to be tutting and muttering will improve your confidence. Go for it ladies, You earned your license and can enjoy it. This is all worth while I think, even if you actually find you dont really enjoy driving any more. Just keeping up to date and able to drive when needed is worth it, but of course you may still find after doing all the above that you dont like doing it any more. well fine, stop driving but you will have chosen when and how to stop, not feel that you have been forced into it. I will add that I am from Yorkshire but passed my test in London and drove 3 weeks later to Yugoslavia, have driven in this country and in other countries lived abroad, travelled all over, and still driving now. No plans to stop at the moment and am grateful for the freedom it gives me . Happy driving everyone

Great post madeleine. ''I am a day late replying to this as was out yesterday. I have done 10 years of hospital ambulance car driving and found that many women were put off or hesitant in driving, partly the fault of their husbands! Very often women are competent and efficient drivers. Then their husband retires and tends to take over the driving. also if there have been two cars and now down to one it will be the one the husband likes driving.''

I have seen this happen to friends all the time. And they say 'oh he likes driving more than me- but I've still got my licence, so in an emergency, I can take the car!

Sends shivers down my spine. Last thing you want to do in an emergency, when panicked, is drive a car in the middle of the night when you have not done so for a long time, and a car you are not comfortable with.

Wow! Thank you for such an in depth reply. Yes, my husband is partly to blame as he calls my driving a 'white knuckle ride'. He has insisted we keep the bigger car whereas I would like an Aygo as he says that downsizing is a sign of getting old. So, yes, you are definitely right.

Thank you everyone for your amazing and very supportive replies. Share and care is so important with problems that affect many older people.

What a nuisance for you. Don’t let it get the better of you. I’ve always been a nervous driver and did let it get the better of me. I do drive however but on chosen routes only.Never on a motorway and wary of bridges that are too long to cross. I’ve even had a go with cognitive behaviour sessions (nhs) but I would revert back as soon as they had finished ! I now take it all in my stride as can’t live without car journeys for essentials and functioning with family and friends. I have a ‘book’ of alternative routes I’m happy with and stick to it. (And not ashamed to tell folks it takes me twice as long to get anywhere !)
Advice: Keep doing it and don’t let it get the better of you !

I have cataracts too so I try and avoid driving in the late afternoon when the sun is low in the sky and the light is glary and a bit fuzzy.
I still drive long distances tho.

Foxygloves

I know just how you feel!
Somehow although I do the M1 and M6 regularly to visit one of my daughters, the M1 and M25 journey in the other direction to the other two in London automatically raises my blood pressure! It eases slightly when I turn off down the M11 (fewer big lorries) but I worry that I will miss the turn off because of being boxed in by the lorries. Oh to live in somewhere like Germany, where there are no HGV’s on the motorways at weekends.

This makes me sad. So many people are against lorries on the road, but don’t seem to realise that everything we wear, eat, drive, have been transported on a lorry! Even the homes we live in have had bricks and other materials delivered on a lorry. Then often we use them to actually move into our new homes. There would be little point in going to the supermarket if no deliveries have been made. No clothes shopping, no garden centre stock. Probably the only thing not delivered by lorry are babies!

Even in Germany, there are exceptions for fish, meat, fruits and vegetables, milk etc. And the partial ban is only on Sundays and bank holidays. Surely we all remember the chaos caused when lorries couldn’t get fuel to the forecourts?

You won’t get boxed in by lorries if you are already in the left lane. Remember, keep left unless overtaking. So as long as you don’t attempt an overtake when nearing your junction, you won’t get boxed in.

And lorry drivers are just people driving on the roads too. And by the way, they would be thrilled if they were banned from London altogether! Then everyone could bring their wheelie bins to the edge of the M25 to be emptied! . But unfortunately, it’s just not practical. People demand to be able to shop 7 days a week, to have cars to get there, clothes to wear and houses to go back to.

Don’t fear the lorries. They could be delivering something for you

With regard to the original question (sorry - got a bit carried away), try to enjoy the journey. I know it’s difficult when you’re so apprehensive, and especially driving at night, which I think a lot of people struggle with but don’t admit it. But you will always be able to get out of a situation that you find yourself in. If you get lost, you will find your way back eventually - maybe via some places you’ve never visited before.

Always have some water, a blanket, and a phone charger with you. I find some chocolate is essential too - not just when driving, just generally essential.

Happy motoring

LRavenscroft

Thank you so much for all your kind responses. I am very pleased to say that I drove to our local supermarket today, did my weekly shop and drove home. Once I started I was happy reach my goal for today. Tomorrow I will drive into my local town and park up in the multi storey. Little by little. But this is the great community of Gransnetters as you do not feel alone.

Well done you!

I made a wee hours journey down the M11 to fetch my brother home for Easter. Easier than anticipated, time to natter on and bore him to tears. I'm not giving up driving any time soon - that way is, for me, old age. And how would the trip down to Heathrow work out?

I think it helps that we drive big 4x4s - anyone apart from Eddie Stobart is smaller, a tiny woman can get out and 'let the horses run' safely.

I remember during the lockdown of 2020 that we drove so much less and I became a little nervous, especially as I noticed other people's driving seemed more erratic. Thankfully I soon got over it once things got back to normal. In 2022 my daughter broke her ankle on the top of a Scottish mountain, had to be airlifted off by mountain rescue, then brought back to just outside London by me who had to go up by train and drive her car back. I didn't relish driving an unfamiliar car all that way, but I did it, and I realise I'm more capable than I thought. Having someone else to talk to in the car helped a lot - I wouldn't drive that distance alone without at least one overnight stop - but it increased my confidence hugely. I also had to drive into London a few times while she was still on crutches as she couldn't get to work by train for a while, and working from home wasn't always possible. The experience has probably made me a more confident driver again by pushing me outside my comfort zone.

As others have said 'Use it or lose it' ! Trust your optician if he says your eyesight is good enough. I have been told I have the beginnings of a cataract in one eye, but so far I haven't noticed any effect on my sight. Long may that continue as I can't imagine not being able to drive. I'm sure eventually longer distances may become too much for me but local driving is still essential as the buses round here just aren't up to it. I looked forward to getting my bus pass but have yet to use it in my home town! I've only used it once and that was on a visit to family in Yorkshire when I made a trip into Leeds to do some shopping. I drove to a familiar part where I could park for free then used the bus pass to get into the centre. Unfortunately unless you live in a city, bus travel is pretty difficult and inconvenient.