When does asking questions become an invasion of privacy?

I spent three years living with my paternal grandmother, and she did _not- encourage me to ask questions. her response was always: 'If someone wants you to know something, they will tell you'.

However I remain an inveterate question asker, and reading many threads on GN I am constantly aware how manyproblems would be solved if the OP would just speak to the person they are uneasy about and just ask them how they feel, what they want to do, or just say 'I have a problem, can we discuss it?'

I appreciate that some questions are intrusive, I would never, for example ask DS any questions about his marriage or his relationship with his wife. They are very happy, as far as I know. When DGS was ill, I asked DDiL whether I could ask about his problems and if she had said 'no', I would have said no more.

But my belief is that asking questions and being prepared to talk to people about things would resolve a lot of the problems that turn up on GN.

I would have asked Sago, and I would make a point of asking him the next time you see him. His mother probably never passed on your interest. He wouldn't have told you if he didn't want to and maybe just wanted to talk to someone who shows interest.
My DH always laughs about DD2 and myself, complete strangers talk to us in shops or if we are at the park with GD. They never approach him or DD1, I say it is their demeanour that puts people off, and he agrees and says DD2 has a really happy open countenance.
Carry on as you are it must be refreshing for him to find someone who is interested in him.A cheerful face is like a smile.

BlueBelle

Oh if someone told me they were going for an interview I would see that as an invite to ask how they got on
If it was my child I d be asking as soon as the6 got home 🙂
That’s not being nosy it’s being interested

Interesting, my neighbour did once moan that her son is not communicative, I asked if she spoke to him about day to day stuff, she said no if he wants me to know something he will tell me.
I think he probably feels his mother is not interested so says nothing.
How sad if it’s the case.

In general - autocorrect having fun

It depends on each person, some people are more private than others

On general, anything medical, financial, crisis or sad events, I stay clear unless the person brings it up
Same for my opinions about parenting, important decisions - if asked, I give diplomatic feedback

In any case such as above, I concentrate on the person - "how are you doing? It must be hard on you, let me know what I can do"
I drop it there

My brother is single after a couple of failed marriages. People intrusively ask his status. My husband, typically silent but quite funny, answers stupid questions: "Still, tall, handsome, wealthy, single. Must be bad in bed."

This makes me laugh - though it breaks the no sex rule. Shuts people up completely for a year or so.

Going off topic a bit, I have a friend who ‘phones or texts 5 times a week on average and every time asks “what are you doing today?”
Am I a horrible person if I find it irritating and sometimes want to say “I’m going skydiving today”?

Asking questions is all part of a conversation. You’re not being invasive or nosy just having a general interest in another person. Some people love to talk about themselves and have no interest in anyone else. I once sat beside a lady at my art club and I knew all about her and her family (because she repeatedly told me) .
After about 2 years she said to me , ‘I didnt know you had a son, have you any other children?’ . 😢😂

Oh if someone told me they were going for an interview I would see that as an invite to ask how they got on
If it was my child I d be asking as soon as the6 got home 🙂
That’s not being nosy it’s being interested

I’m finding this an interesting conversation which shows how different we all are. I always take an interest in people I meet and find that most people enjoy talking about themselves. Conversations are usually at least two way and you usually need a bit of question and answer to get them going. If people don’t want to talk then that’s fine. It’s hardly rude to talk about general or even specific things with people you know. I can’t get my head around a mother who doesn’t ask her son how a job interview went. My relationship with my children is open and very friendly though. I would respect their privacy, they could, easily say that’s not up for discussion mum and that’s fine. I don’t tell them everything.

I try to remember to follow up things that people have told me (health, children's lives, things like that) but would only bring them up in private. 'Hi Angie, how are your piles?' is not a suitable question at a party , but if someone had told me all about it* earlier, I would make a polite enquiry when alone with the sufferer.

*I also think people could often be more judicious about what they tell others - not for reasons of privacy, but because it can be very tedious to have to listen to others' tales of operations, appointments and so on. It's up there with dreams and what they had to eat at restaurants . Men do the talk about roads, which always makes my sister and me laugh - 'Oh, Richard - you didn't take the F34, did you? Not in term time. It's much easier if you turn off on the third exit at the Great Hedgehog roundabout and take the Low Road.' (Sis and I take the nearest exit to the kitchen to hold our sides hysterically).

I like Caleo's point about power imbalance. My friend's mother is terrible for asking personal questions of people she sees as children (in their 30s). 'It'll be your turn to get married soon, dear. Have you got a boyfriend these days? Oh no - did you break it off, or did he?', or 'How did the exams go? Did you pass them all? Oh. You always did struggle with maths, didn't you? Will that mean you'll lose your job and have to pull out of buying the house you wanted?' Partly I think it's to prove to herself and others that she knows what's going on in people's lives, and 'show an interest', but it's excruciating at times, and the 'kids' can't tell her to stfu, as she's their granny.

Guilty as charged! I've spent my entire working life asking other people questions, but when it comes to friends or acquaintances, I like to think I'm asking them out of genuine interest or concern. If you're having a conversation with someone, surely you're going to ask them something, or else you'd just end up hogging the conversation and talking all about yourself?

One of my in laws asks so many questions it’s like an interrogation! Yet she is a lovely, kind, well meaning lady so I try to steer the conversation by asking her opinions on things and then listening.

Better to ask people questions than to do what I do ( I’ve always been nervous socially) which is to gabble on about myself and realise afterwards that I should have asked more about the person I’m speaking to. I still agonise, years later, over things I’ve said to people that I afterwards realised was insensitive but my verbal diahorrea had taken over. I’ve taken Freudian slippery to a new level.

on a bus home from shopping i overheard a person telling another all about her neighbours life and what she'd told her. be careful what you tell others! bad enough on here when OPs start with 'my friend' but at least we are anonymous.

"There was an owl liv'd in an oak
The more he heard, the less he spoke
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
We should be like that wise old bird". (19thC nursery rhyme)
Yes, it's important to be a good listener, but it's often the judicious use of questions which encourages a correspondent to open up and to start a conversation. I think most of us are aware of "forbidden territory", where questioning can become overly intrusive. The big three which are usually quoted are sex, religion and politics. There are exceptions of course, and tuning our antenna to pick up where and when questioning is appropriate is an important life skill. We usually know when we've got it wrong, and hopefully learn from the experience!

There is a big difference between asking polite questions and being intrusive. I can always tell the difference. I am friends with 2 people who seem interested in my finances so I am always evasive when answering. Personally I would never enquire about anyone's money such as how much they were left in a will or how much pension they have although some people ask these things quite openly. I don't like being given what I call The Third Degree. I clam up and become evasive and realise the other person probably thinks I'm rude. But I'm not a particularly open person. My DH, on the other hand, pretty much tells everyone anything. In my case it depends who's asking.

The best thing to be is yourself. There's no way anyone can know what another person thinks is 'personal' until you know them quite well. I know people who talk quite happily to anyone who will listen about their finances, what they've bought, their sex lives, their medical problems, their divorces...all things I consider personal and don't discuss in public (and don't want to hear about from people I don't know well).

If you don't ask questions you're apparently not interested in anything but yourself. If you ask questions you're intrusive, nosy and rude. I'm anticipating the day when I ask someone if they are enjoying the sunny weather and get told 'Why? What's it got to do with you?'

With all this texting and communication via electronic devices the art of conversation appears to have been lost by many people. I think that the poster upthread who said that her OH asked an open ended question and then listened intently to the reply had the right idea. Its not intrusive and gives the other party the opportunity to talk about themselves and their interests. If they show no inclination to do so then the exchange can end politely without their feeling that their privacy has been breached.

My grandmother always used to say I could "talk for England" and welcomed my visits towards the end of her life when she could no longer to some of the things which gave her pleasure. However there are times when I myself like to be very private and find conversation intrusive. For example when travelling on public transport I dont want to carry on a conversation with some random who happens to sit beside me.

Smileless2012

Unbeknown to the one asking, some questions can be awkward to answer for example do you have any GC? We're estranged from our son and only GC so I tend to say no rather than saying yes but we're not allowed to see them, as that answer invariably makes the one who asked feel uncomfortable.

If I say yes, more questions tend to follow which I'm often unable to answer.

Indeed.

People rarely understand background.

possibly the son didn't get the job and this is your neighbours very effective way of deterring you asking again

continue engaging with people, it's interacting that stops loneliness and what makes us human

Pink Cosmos, in some cultures they say "Good morning. How are you? How is your family?" These are not real questions but are part of a ritual the purpose of which is to demonstrate to the participants that they are decent member of society.

Calendargirl

I have a friend who has a 40 year old daughter who has always kept most things about herself quite private, only tells her mum what she wants her to know.

She has recently become a mother, the father was a fairly new relationship, but they seem ok, living arrangements shared between their respective households.

What surprised me was my friend had no idea how old the boyfriend was, what his surname was, or if he had been married before to the mother of his other child.

Perhaps it’s me, but if my daughter had been in that situation, I would have expected to be told a bit more about him.

Said friend seems reluctant to ask her DD anything, and treads on eggshells around her.

( I do realise my thinking may be out of step).

Our daughter, approaching 60 and a widow, is marrying soon. I'd never ask anything she hasn't told. For me, anything regarding his personal life is - personal. He's talked about his occupation, his parents live in Ireland, etc etc. - we only ask questions about comments he had first brought up.

You're not out of step, we're all different.

Unbeknown to the one asking, some questions can be awkward to answer for example do you have any GC? We're estranged from our son and only GC so I tend to say no rather than saying yes but we're not allowed to see them, as that answer invariably makes the one who asked feel uncomfortable.

If I say yes, more questions tend to follow which I'm often unable to answer.

CalendargirlAll through my childhood and teenage years I and my sisters were told "dont worry your mother ,if you have a problem speak to me ." My dad was very protective of mum who had always suffered bad health with a lung problem .
Consequently my mother knew very little about what was happening in our lives and to be honest thats how she liked it .There were a lot of things she didn't know even after I was married,she never knew when I was in labour for instance or when I had one of my multiple miscarriages ,I didn't tell anyone when I was pregnant until I believed I might actually take a baby home .
She knew nothing about my teenage daughter from hell who was an angel around her grans who wouldn't have believed the stuff she got up to .
Maybe your neighbour is like my mum,better she doesn't know whats going on in her childs life ...for the daughters sake