When does asking questions become an invasion of privacy?

Weren’t we brought up to “take an interest” in other people and talk or ask about them instead of talking about ourselves?
It certainly was drummed into me and I would fix an interested and polite smile on my face at parties while somebody droned on about their hobby of underwater basket-weaving, or cars, or sport ( classic chat up strategy)
I realised the inadequacy of asking questions (even of the “ How do you like..? Isn’t it warm/cold/windy? sort) when my D’s MIL developed Dementia and could not handle questions . Statements always seemed inappropriate until I realised our “conversations” had to follow a different pattern.
So to go back to OP, at what point does “taking a polite interest “ degenerate into intrusive questioning I wonder?
That Lady in Waiting at Buckingham Palace hadn’t got a handle on it, had she?

It can be tricky. 😱

My husband has got this down to a fine art: He’ll ask an initial question or make an observation and then follow it up with an open ended question based on the response - then he just listens whilst people talk about whatever they want. He has a reputation as a great conversationalist. 😁

I’m a questioner. I am genuinely interested in people and usually enjoy hearing about other people’s lives and interests. If someone doesn’t want to discuss a topic then I’m happy to be told so.

I’m often questioned about things going on in my life (sometimes the information people already know about me is astounding, and surprisingly is mostly accurate), but I’m not so keen to be questioned about family members unless it’s general chat.

The questions you describe show that you take a friendly interest in people, Sago. Nothing there for anyone to complain about. Some people are very difficult to start or maintain a conversation with and questions like these keep things going. How strange that your neighbour hadn’t asked her son about his interview. I would only be uncomfortable with very personal, intrusive questions, such as sex, and I’m sure you don’t venture there!

Weren’t we brought up to “take an interest” in other people and talk or ask about them instead of talking about ourselves? - I was about to say that!

My brother is a wonderful conversationalist. Fantastic. Probably because he's so charismatic and interested in others.

He typically "works the room" with books and movies. I'm a non book /movie person, he can even draw me in because his connection of the person to the silly movie is spot on. Hard to explain, but there seems to always be a movie or book to connect us - even as I never know which ones.

BTW, as the son was excited and did tell you - I think your question was fine. To my brother, what movie has job seekers? "The Intern"?

Your friend was needlessly critical.

In my opinion it's a step to far to ask a neighbour....

. how her son got on in an interview talk politely about neighbourly things.


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I disagree lemsip, given that the son had told Sago about it and was very excited.

I do what grannyactivists husband does - it seems to work. I have been told I'm a good listener.

lemsip

In my opinion it's a step to far to ask a neighbour....

. how her son got on in an interview talk politely about neighbourly things.

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This is very interesting, my neighbour and sister in law think like you Lemsip.
I feel it would be rude not to ask.
Two very different views, this s not a criticism just an observation.
Bizarrely the neighbour in question has more than once divulged what I consider to be very personal sexual information😬

I have a friend I have known since I was 11 years old but she cannot keep friends because of the type of questions she asks. They are just too personal.
Are you still paying a mortgage? If so how much? Why did you not manage to pay it off earlier would be some of the questions she would ask.
I have a loss of memory when in her company. I can always remember what something cost me, eg the fitting of a new combi boiler but if she asks me that it will have escaped my memory.
She is very interested in bank details but again, my memory is too short!

I think so too Sago, if you knew he was having an interview because he told you, it clearly wasn't a secret was it.

I think it's odd that mum hadn't asked him.

I have a friend who has a 40 year old daughter who has always kept most things about herself quite private, only tells her mum what she wants her to know.

She has recently become a mother, the father was a fairly new relationship, but they seem ok, living arrangements shared between their respective households.

What surprised me was my friend had no idea how old the boyfriend was, what his surname was, or if he had been married before to the mother of his other child.

Perhaps it’s me, but if my daughter had been in that situation, I would have expected to be told a bit more about him.

Said friend seems reluctant to ask her DD anything, and treads on eggshells around her.

( I do realise my thinking may be out of step).

If they have brought the subject up, as happened with the OP, I would think it is just showing an interest to ask how an interview went. Let’s face it, you are just being nice and it doesn’t make any difference to you . I am careful with asking people about their health issues because people can be funny about that and / or they may tell you in way too much gory detail! Depends on the person. We have one friend, originally from a remote Scottish island and she never tells me or anyone else anything, you have to prise conversation out of her and then it is mostly monosyllabic. She’s a good sort, though and we have learnt to live with it. Horses for courses as they say.

On another thread I commented on how hurt and disappointed I felt when my 3 lunch companions didn’t even ask a token question about DH although they knew how ill he was or even a passing interest in D’s new baby (again knowing she had lost her first)
There’s asking and there’s asking - when in doubt, show an interest, show you care, ask .

Calendargirl

I have a friend who has a 40 year old daughter who has always kept most things about herself quite private, only tells her mum what she wants her to know.

She has recently become a mother, the father was a fairly new relationship, but they seem ok, living arrangements shared between their respective households.

What surprised me was my friend had no idea how old the boyfriend was, what his surname was, or if he had been married before to the mother of his other child.

Perhaps it’s me, but if my daughter had been in that situation, I would have expected to be told a bit more about him.

Said friend seems reluctant to ask her DD anything, and treads on eggshells around her.

( I do realise my thinking may be out of step).

I’m wondering how you know that your friend didn’t know these things. If they were questions you asked about the fellow, I think they may have been seen as a bit intrusive.

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood.

It could be that the son didn’t get the job and his mum doesn’t feel quite comfortable saying that.

I have a very good friend who always steers the conversation round to money, and I feel very uncomfortable with it. She is very well off due to her husband’s job and their joint careful attitude to money. I would never dream of asking her about her financial circumstances but she tells me anyway - I skirt around her questions about my own financial affairs.

I think it comes down to what is the person like that you are asking questions of.
Some people are more open than others.
Sounds like your neighbour's son is more open than either your neighbour or sister in law.

I have just posted this on another similar thread :

^Years ago I worked in an office with a woman who talked constantly about her daughter and her favourite sport.

I always took an interest, though sometimes it got a bit boring as I am not a sports fan.

I don't recall her ever asking once about my children. I did mention them occasionally, in conversation, but I doubt she remembered their names, or even how many children I have^

I always make a point of asking my friends about their families. I think it's only polite to do so. I does seem a bit of a one way street with quite a few of them though. I don't let it worry me.^

If I meet strangers I would ask basic questions or talk about something boring like the weather. You can usually gauge a persons willingness to talk after the first few minutes.

I would never ask personal questions about their health or finances etc. unless they had discussed this with me previously.

Daddima

Calendargirl

I have a friend who has a 40 year old daughter who has always kept most things about herself quite private, only tells her mum what she wants her to know.

She has recently become a mother, the father was a fairly new relationship, but they seem ok, living arrangements shared between their respective households.

What surprised me was my friend had no idea how old the boyfriend was, what his surname was, or if he had been married before to the mother of his other child.

Perhaps it’s me, but if my daughter had been in that situation, I would have expected to be told a bit more about him.

Said friend seems reluctant to ask her DD anything, and treads on eggshells around her.

( I do realise my thinking may be out of step).

I’m wondering how you know that your friend didn’t know these things. If they were questions you asked about the fellow, I think they may have been seen as a bit intrusive.

Sorry if I’ve misunderstood.

I don't think it had anything to do with the mother of a 40-year-old let alone the friend of the mother.

Asking questions is invasive when the questioner is able to intimidate. Thus it's intimidation for an adult to question a child when the child is scared, groomed, or otherwise overwhelmed by the adult.

Similarly it's not right for an adult to ask embarrassing or intrusive questions without the other's permission.

CalendargirlAll through my childhood and teenage years I and my sisters were told "dont worry your mother ,if you have a problem speak to me ." My dad was very protective of mum who had always suffered bad health with a lung problem .
Consequently my mother knew very little about what was happening in our lives and to be honest thats how she liked it .There were a lot of things she didn't know even after I was married,she never knew when I was in labour for instance or when I had one of my multiple miscarriages ,I didn't tell anyone when I was pregnant until I believed I might actually take a baby home .
She knew nothing about my teenage daughter from hell who was an angel around her grans who wouldn't have believed the stuff she got up to .
Maybe your neighbour is like my mum,better she doesn't know whats going on in her childs life ...for the daughters sake

Unbeknown to the one asking, some questions can be awkward to answer for example do you have any GC? We're estranged from our son and only GC so I tend to say no rather than saying yes but we're not allowed to see them, as that answer invariably makes the one who asked feel uncomfortable.

If I say yes, more questions tend to follow which I'm often unable to answer.

Calendargirl

I have a friend who has a 40 year old daughter who has always kept most things about herself quite private, only tells her mum what she wants her to know.

She has recently become a mother, the father was a fairly new relationship, but they seem ok, living arrangements shared between their respective households.

What surprised me was my friend had no idea how old the boyfriend was, what his surname was, or if he had been married before to the mother of his other child.

Perhaps it’s me, but if my daughter had been in that situation, I would have expected to be told a bit more about him.

Said friend seems reluctant to ask her DD anything, and treads on eggshells around her.

( I do realise my thinking may be out of step).

Our daughter, approaching 60 and a widow, is marrying soon. I'd never ask anything she hasn't told. For me, anything regarding his personal life is - personal. He's talked about his occupation, his parents live in Ireland, etc etc. - we only ask questions about comments he had first brought up.

You're not out of step, we're all different.

Pink Cosmos, in some cultures they say "Good morning. How are you? How is your family?" These are not real questions but are part of a ritual the purpose of which is to demonstrate to the participants that they are decent member of society.