Endless fretting about "School mums" and party invites.

Witzend

TBH I can understand children getting upset if it’s very obvious that many others have been invited, but they’ve been left out.

Dd1 is 44 now, but until she was maybe 9 or 10 she always insisted on inviting the whole class to her birthday parties. I still think of the little boy of maybe 8, who said, ‘Thank you for inviting me to your party, Lucy* - nobody else does.’ 😥

*not her real name.

When we had parties during primary school we always asked everybody. We had a similar experience to Witzend when a little boy spent most of the party playing our piano and thanked us for inviting us as it was the only party he'd ever been invited to. He ate a huge amount of sandwiches and cake and took a big bag of food home with him.
His alcoholic father ran a pub, his mother had left and he and his brother were left neglected at home. This was only 30 years ago and I'm still surprised that nobody intervened to sort out some help for them, even though the school were well aware what was going on.
They went to school hungry, grubby and smelly. This story has a happy ending as he grew up OK, got a job, married and lives happily with a family of his own.

I did do parties for my children, they started off as simple, traditional tea parties with pass the parcel and the like when they were very young. As they progressed through the school, year on year these affairs and the expectations got worse and somehow I got sucked in, most people seemed to be having them. When the numbers became too great we opted for outside the home events, organised swimming, football, a couple of joint ones with other mums in activity centres. Best ones, were roller discos because they and their friends were really into in line skates. Finally, they grew out of wanting us, or any other parents there, thank God and took themselves off with a group of close friends to maybe laser quest, paint balling or a Pizza Express. I never enjoyed all that palaver glad it's in the past for me. Yes I gather it's even worse now, although I do remember one of my friends who veers on the edge of ridiculous as far as indulging her only child is concerned, confessing to spending a ridiculous amount of money on some sort of gift for each child's party bag They, the bag, was only ever meant to shove a bit of birthday cake in.

Parties were few and far between when I was at school, usually afternoon tea with a couple of friends having been primed to be on one's best behaviour with the mantra of "don't forget your please and thank yous and most importantly thank Mrs So so for having me" focused in the mind as one crossed the threshold of the birthday girl's home!

So glad I dont have kids. If I had they would get an old fashioned party with sandwiches, cake, custard and jelly and tradtional games. None of these themed tableaux and goody bags.

Children’s birthday parties are completely out of hand!

With he advent of social media, TikTok and Instagram - values, meaning, common sense have gone out the window… replaced by ostentation, competitiveness, party bags and meaningless waste. It’s a new era.

Too young kids are overwhelmed, overstimulated and don’t even understand the farce - while mothers sit and drink. Older kids are imprinted with the idea that this normal?

Not in my time, not in my (step-)children’s not in my niece’s/nephew’s, not in grandchildren’s time was this even possible.

Parents need to reverse the CIRCUS back to a memorable tradition.
Less is more!
USA Gundy

I wasn't invited to any parties when I was a kid and it never bothered my parents.

Certainly not the case at our GCs schools.

Huge pressure to keep up with the Jones- if others in the class to have those parties, and it becomes expected. Or if your child goes to a private school

Fleurpepper, I disagree plenty of families are not remotely interested in keeping up with Jones - and that includes the parents of children at private schools. Many parents are cutting back hugely to send their children to private school and do not have the money to stage big parties, and couldn't care less.

My two went to private secondary schools and when one school had an appeal to fund a project, it failed because , although parents loved the school, and wanted to help, they said that quite simply they could not afford to do so.

DS told us got his street cred from the fact that my car was an old banger. I had a line in elderly SAABS that we picked up cheaply and DH then fixed up. When I came to the station once to pick up DS and some friends to return them to school after an outing, I turned up in the family car and had to go home and swap the cars over because the boys were so dsiappointed that they werent going to get a ride in my old car.

Dickens

Where did "play dates", "date nights" and "sleepovers" come from?

And the wincingly awful "daddy-daughter date".

I've absolutely no idea why, but these phrases make my toes curl. Thy sound so simpering. But then I'm a curmudgeonly old bat anyway.

They’re probably imported from America…

Fleurpepper

Lots of drinking and drink driving with kids too ...

I meant tea, coffee, a sandwich or two 😲

Huge pressure to keep up with the Jones- if others in the class to have those parties, and it becomes expected. Or if your child goes to a private school!

But the vast majority of children do not have these kinds of parties, for all sorts of reasons, cannot afford them, can see no point in them, have brought their children up with different values.

Do see this subject in perspective.

Younger age group on average drink much less than the over 45 s so its probably less of a worry.

My Gds’ birthday often falls on the very last day of the summer term, so his party has usually been held in the park opposite the school - whole class plus other friends invited - and a lot of parents present. Dd and SiL are super-sociable types so there have always been drinks for parents, too - beers or e.g.Prosecco, and plenty of food.
Just as well there are some very big shady trees - last year it was 40 deg 😱 - the kids didn’t seem to care, though - and SiL’s preparation of umpteen water balloons to chuck went down very well - nobody threw one at poor old boiling granny, though.

Lots of drinking and drink driving with kids too ...

And with 39 children, parents have to be there, so refreshments have to be provided for them too.

It's all gone far too American, hugely expensive, stressful- and puts a lot of pressure on parents who can't afford it at the moment.

How do you entertain 39 kids biglouis? You spend even more money hiring a very special place, private pool, and a professional entertainer of course !?!

Wyllow3

Erm...she's 7 going on 13 Callistemon and I believe all had a good time. she had her princess dress on despite also attending climbing and athletics clubs and being the first (to frustration of elder brother) to swing on ropes over water, jump off rocks, climb trees, etc.

Sounds like mine 😀
I think it's a 'strictly no boys' phase now she's slightly older, though.

Sparklefizz

Foxygloves

It never cease to amazed me why we on GN should be expected to be bothered by threads on Mumsnet.

If I wanted to read MN I would have joined but what exercises young mums does not actually float my boat so I remain agog with indifference

Ditto.

There are plenty of older women, inc. grandmothers, on MN - it’s far from being the sole province of young mothers,

I first joined MN when dd found that baby #2 was going to arrive just 15 months after the first - I was looking for ‘close age gap’ stories/info., of which there were plenty - mostly very reassuring.
I still read it regularly - often amusing as well as exasperating - and (I have to say) many more interesting threads than on GN. (Yes, I waste too much time on it…).

There was absolutely nothing like this when I was young, and very little when my children were young, thank goodness.
They did have birthday parties, but chose treats out as they grew older, thank goodness. We used to take them, with a friend or two, to the zoo, or cinema maybe, or a McDonalds. I much preferred that to having several little boys around to tea!

Some of them pay so much money for professional entertainers or afternoons at adventure parks etc it is unbelievable. They seem to want some sort of ‘theme’. Some of my grandchildren often attend these sort of parties. Typically the presents cost around $50- too much in my opinion. Fine if you only have a couple of kids but not so good if you have more. Another popular one is to host a ‘restaurant’birthday which costs a fortune. Glad we didn’t have that when my kids were young- I think we had a maccas party once but that was not expensive. When I was young you invited your friends round, had a few games like pass the parcel, sausage rolls and a birthday cake.

We didn’t have ‘play dates’ as such, but it was normal then for children who might live in the next road, or 20 odd houses away, to knock on the door* and say, ‘Can Tom/Tina play?’ Many parents are not so keen now for children to wander any distance, so more formal arrangements are made with the other parents. My dd makes such arrangements for elder Gdcs - not sure whether she actually calls them play dates though.

*My father was once tickled pink when a small boy he didn’t recognise, knocked on the door and asked whether my younger brother could play.
So my father asked who he was.
‘I’m Bristlebonce’s bruvver.’ 😂
Amid a lot of mirth even years later, DF would tell the story of Bristlebonce and Bristlebonce’s bruvver.

Foxygloves

It never cease to amazed me why we on GN should be expected to be bothered by threads on Mumsnet.

If I wanted to read MN I would have joined but what exercises young mums does not actually float my boat so I remain agog with indifference

Ditto.

So, times have really changed - for some. My four had simple parties at home until they were aged 9, then it was a nice outing with a friend - and often siblings, their choice. We never did party bags, just a piece of cake and balloon. Once, there were far too many kids for our table and chairs so we had an 'indoor picnic' on sheets placed on the floor!

One DIL seems to have made it her life's work - to organise, plan and attend these many parties and events - along with documenting everything on Facebook and Instagram.

Her kids never seem that bothered, though, as it's all about her social life, not theirs. What a waste of time and effort!

My children had little birthday parties with their best friends and neighbours children. They were nice little parties home made cake goody bags etc nothing elaborate but my two were always happy.
There were very occasionally invites to theme parks etc. I was on my own for a time and couldn’t afford the expense. My children never felt left out if they couldn’t go.
Mumsnet is not for me I’m a Gran and not remotely concerned about whinging mums on ego trips about their children.