RSVPs for funerals

cabbie funerals in my neck of the woods,the West of Scotland are sit down meals usually steak pie or chicken for choice with soup before and tea and cakes after .They've long been held in Hotels and restaurants in fact I've never known one that wasn't .
My Dads funeral had in excess of 100 ,many work colleagues and the hotel had no problem catering for them all .
If you ask any random stranger what is funeral food it'll be steak pie in the co op halls or a local hotel .

When I visited my nephew after his stroke he was sitting in the day room talking with a man I did not know. I assumed it was a "friend of a friend". Shortly after I arrived he excused himself and then began a conversation with another patient.

Later nephew told me that the man was someone who just liked visiting random people in hospitals and chatting to them. He had also told nephew that he scanned the local paper for any funerals or weddings nearby he could attend. It seemed to be his "hobby" and possibly he was lonely himself. Of course if you show up at a funeral or wedding its easy to pass muster as so many people do not know one another.

What a curious hobby.

After the last funeral we attended, the wake was held in a hotel so the widower obviously needed numbers for the catering. I think everyone accepts that plans might change at the last minute.

It is surely impossible to know how many local people will turn up, but should be ok to get numbers of those coming from a distance. The total could be 28 or 82. The last funeral I went to pre-lockdown attracted about 200. Not everyone went back to the hotel for the wake. I don’t see why a cup of tea and piece of cake at 3pm should need exact numbers for a price per head from a caterer. It depends what is being provided. People should definitely let you know if they are turning up expecting a full meal.

The reason you are are asked to RSVP is that many wakes are now held at hotels or pubs. These establishments charge a set price per head. My friend was asked to pay a large deposit beforehand. So I feel it is reasonable to try to have an idea of the number to cater for.

I Recently helped plan a funeral for a close family member. We compiled a list of all the people we thought likely to come. In our case 60. We catered for 50 and it was about right - there was food left over but we preferred that to there not being enough. We applied the same principle to the orders of service. This was an elderly lady who had been ill for a long time. Quite a lot of people did let us know in advance whether they would be coming. We wouldn’t have felt comfortable asking for RSVPs.

We did have a good chat and went over all the plans and possibilities. I really think it's going to be OK.
Quite often I only go to the actual funeral and don't go on to the tea/reception later. Definitely going to this one though!

Theexwife

It is probably just something to get angry about and obsess over, typical when grieving, it is usual to feel anger over losing a loved one but to focus that anger on something else.

Good observation, Theexwife

It is probably just something to get angry about and obsess over, typical when grieving, it is usual to feel anger over losing a loved one but to focus that anger on something else.

He would have appreciated the fact that so many came to remember him but how much nicer if they had visited him when he was poorly and a chat would have brightened his day

Yes, this is so true.

Aveline

Don't worry. Am on the case. I was just wondering if RSVPs for funerals is a new thing.

I didn't even know there were invitations to funerals so no, we've never sent an RSVP.

We've just gone - to far too many lately. ☹
We may not have always gone to the wake though.

At my late husbands funeral I was told “a few” of his work colleagues would come. It turned out to be literally a complete coach load!
Thank goodness the weather was warm so we could overspill into the garden and I had a superb catering company who were used to catering for large parties so went back and returned with enough crockery, glasses and food from their freezers!
Goodness knows what I would have done if I’d decided to do the catering myself!!
He would have appreciated the fact that so many came to remember him but how much nicer if they had visited him when he was poorly and a chat would have brightened his day,
sadly only a handful did.

I'm lucky not to have been to many. The ones I have been to have been family, where everyone knew I would be going, or people like neighbours, when I have gone to the service to show respect, then declined the invitation to the buffet afterwards. I think that bit is really for family, and maybe people who have travelled a long way to get there.

I’ve never heard of invitations to a funeral usually it’s a matter of turning up if you know the person well if not you only go to the service
You can tell I m not a funeral goer the last one I went to was about 6 years ago and another 6 before that

No one should be invited to a funeral. A notice is published giving the date venue and time and then everyone who wishes to pay their respects can attend. That’s why a wake is usually a buffet so it can stretch if need be.

I’ve never responded, only once to apologise for not being able to go.

Good point re Covid. Maybe that's had an effect as only a certain number could attend.
We've now met up and discussed it all. I think it's going to be fine and that my friend will be very pleased at her DH having a good send off.

I didn’t expect anyone to tell me whether they’d come to the funeral, or the reception afterwards. It would have helped though to have a rough idea. I counted as best I could, added 15 to be sure there was enough food. There was.

I think it might be (a new thing). I grew up -as did most of us I think - with a 'come all ye' attitude to both funerals and the 'funeral tea'. But in my community, it would generally be known who was likely to be there.
However, I have noticed recently, a few 'invitations' to funerals - I think this gathered pace after Covid (when we did have to be 'invited' to funerals) but it was happening before. The people I know who have done it are quiet, reserved people, who don't want to have to deal with the work colleagues not seen since retirement, and the representatives of organisations the deceased was involved in years ago (personally I love a good turn out and lots of reminiscences, but not all do).
And I think if you see it as a 'family event', then rather like a christening tea, or wedding breakfast, you view it as an invitation to be responded to.
And kind of you to help out your friend, I hope it goes smoothly.

We were asked to rsvp for a nephew's funeral which I thought strange. I said yes and to remind them that I am gf. I was, initially, told to bring sandwiches. I should stress that this was his odd brother not the deceased parents.

I agree it is very difficult to estimate the numbers for catering at funerals, it’s the same with trying to work out how many orders of service, to have printed. It is mainly guesswork, some people will go to the service but not back for food afterwards. It is helpful when people informally let you know if they plan to attend. I’d always over estimate a little to be in the safe side.

Don't worry. Am on the case. I was just wondering if RSVPs for funerals is a new thing.

I was certainly very grateful to those who told me they would be attending my parents' funerals. It made it so much easier to know how many people to cater for.

Fairislecable's idea is a good one - I doubt anyone could be offended if you contacted them, saying you are helping out with the catering.

Fairislecable

As a friend you could ask for a contact list and text or contact all those invited and ask.

“Hi in order to assist _ in arrangements it would be helpful if you could let me know if you are able to attend on Thursday.

Something along those lines to help your friend.

Lovely idea.

As a friend you could ask for a contact list and text or contact all those invited and ask.

“Hi in order to assist _ in arrangements it would be helpful if you could let me know if you are able to attend on Thursday.

Something along those lines to help your friend.