So Ive been “volunteered” as a proxy key holder and possible carer for my dementia neighbour!

You’ve done absolutely the right thing.
For several years dh and I so often had calls for help from neighbours, both of whom were elderly and very frail. 2 or 3 times a week was quite usual.

In fact we had known them for many years and were very fond of them so were happy to help, but eventually it really was getting a bit much, so we were relieved when their adult children finally arranged for carers 4 times a day.

It would have been a very different matter, though, if we hadn’t really liked them, or if they’d been unpleasant types.

If dementia is involved, there’s also the real likelihood of being phoned (or having them banging on the door) at 2 am, with some urgent request. I still remember my poor old grandmother, when staying for a while with my parents, banging on the next door neighbour’s door in her nightie at 2 am, demanding to be driven to Scotland (where she’d once lived) because she needed to ‘turn out a room’. !!

Luckily the NDNs were very kind and understanding.

I am a total wimp! I’m a full time carer for my husband who has dementia but I still get roped into doing things I really don’t want to do.
I really need to do better for the both of us.

Love your ability to say no biglouis and MOnica

Good for you. I wouldn’t do it either.

Good, another Gransnetter who says no, when ambushed by spongers.

Just keep saying 'NO' biglouis, I know you will, but I absolutely share your sense of outrage.

You’re right not to get drawn in to this.

Pleased to see an update biglouis.

Must be a relief actually.

Hope if it gets sold you get nicer neighbours. Must be awful with not such good ones.

I suppose it's a relief that a solution appears to have been found.

I had wondered about this thread to be honest biglouis as we "keep an eye on" my mother-in-law who is fortunately still in good shape mentally but used to live 4½ hours away.

I wonder if your "keyholding" neighbour had been used too often, if the lady herself had decided she was lonely and wanted to go back to her daughter or if the family had simply made the decision.

I'm sure she's safer now, whatever the arrangement.

If the house is sold or let I hope your new neighbours are friendly and easy. 🤞

Absolutely not! Well done in saying no, 3 sounds as if she needs careers or a care home not neighbors and phone calls !

Since I began this thread (May 2023) the house next door has been empty for at least 7 months. No washing on the line, bins put out or lights of an evening. So I assume 3 has been moved in permanently with one of her children.

Every 2/3 weeks I hear the grandchildren playing in the garden for a bit then it all goes quiet again. So they just come to check on the house and collect any mail at intervals.

I would not be surprised to see a FOR SALE sign go up in the near future.

I understand your problem biglouis but also thought you had made your feelings clear.
Is that not an end of it?

3 is on her own because the 2 adult children (who have families of their own) live a distance away. I know one lived in the W Midlands and the other "down south". They presumably have jobs so can only come up every couple of weeks at weekends. My understanding (from 4) is that 3 stayed with her daughter for several months following the death of her DH but wanted to come back home. So it is presumably 3's choice to live alone in a big house which she cannot manage. And of course it IS her choice as its her home.

I havnt seen any of them since the conversation with 4 and aim to keep well out of the way. Im sure 3 must know other people in her community (its a diverse area) whom daughter could approach as a keyholder. Probably far more appropriate having regard to the cultural differences.

Two old ladies in a village I used to live in, key holders for each other, bungalows and living on their own. They looked out for each other very well, neither had relatives visit. One suddenly died and the relatives swooped and coldly demanded the key from the key holder, with not a word of thanks to the most honest caring person. They brought that silently accusing shadow with them. The bungalow went on the market as soon as their relative was buried

exactly the same thing has happened to me , a lady that I newly started to clean for 1 hour a week has been hospitalised and now in a care home . She hates it there but her care package that she needs to get home hasn't been finalised , due to lack of staff. She phoned me last night crying , asking me if , to get her back home , I could pop in every morning to see ' that I'm still alive' then proceeded to ask if I could return at night , get her shopping etc etc . Whoah ! Her son is coming up next week to visit her so I'll have to tell him of his Mother's desperate dangerous demands . Aging is awful , isn't it ?

So if no. 3 is from that certain background, why is the mother on her own?

It doesnt make sense but none of oue business

To add to the complication of the mix 3 belongs to an ethnic group who traditionally live in multi generational households and look after their elders (rather than putting them in care homes). 4 does not belong to the same group. She in white/English same as me.

I agree about the possible safeguarding issues. However social services are one set of people I have no intention of becoming involved with. Thats up to the family to organize.

It appears as if there may be a couple of Safeguarding issues here. Social services need to be contacted straight away.

If your neighbour has one of the alarms to wear round her wrist or neck they will also supply a key safe to be placed at either front or back door. The only people to have the pin code for the key safe is the company that has all the details of the person with said alarm. These work really well. Any support she receives, carers, home help, emergency services will ring the alarm company for the PIN code, keeping a record of who has requested it.
Don’t be bullied into having a key. A friend of mine was accused of stealing a valuable ring.

It was bin day. I live on a corner and the bin men tend to often leave all the bins together in a huddle rather than taking them back to the individual houses. Some bins have house numbers on them and others dont.

Ive just read a thread where close relative talk about their role in looking after family members with demantia and am even more determined not to get drawn in.

I first realised there was something seriously wrong 3 years ago. I had twisted my knee badly and when I went to retrive my gardening bin I inadvertantly grabbed the one for house 3. Note this is the GARDEN WASTE bin - not one you need to use everyday. 3 came knocking and demanded it back. By then my knee had swolen so badly that I was using a walking frame. I knew mine must be over the road and asked her to retrive it so we could swap but she could not understand these simple instructions. She did not appear to understand that I was incapable of even walking across the road - or was too selfish to care. So I told her that my nephew was due next day and he would swap them over. She went berserk because it was not the answer she wanted. She was shouting and banging the locked gate and I had to threaten her with the police.

When my nephew did arrive he took her bin back and gave her and her husband a very tough talking to. She was warned never to approach me again otherwise he would "have her arrested". Since then we have never spoken directly as I think he really scared her. Her husband was a wak man and I dont think she had ever had a man talk back to her.

However I saw how violent she could become over a potentially trivial incident because she could not have her way. Thats why I find it very difficult to believe that she would want me to have a key to her house and am not willing to risk any involvement with her.

Franbern I lived in a self managed block of flats (although the age range was much wider). It went OK until the people who had set the whole block of flats up got very elderly and couldn't cope. the committee was purely for practicalities not needs based.

I lived next door to a lady whose increasing dementia meant that she regularly knocked on my door - it was 2 yards from men - shouting she wanted to die, I and other neighbours were *hit, she had not had any food (20 mins after carer gone. she only got a weekly visit from one son and when he was there I think she was OK. This could happen day or night. In the end I sound recorded her and contacted community police also SSD but she kept "presenting" OK to them. Committee were not interested as it wasn't set up as caring.

I did play the sound recording to the other son when he came to visit, but he just contacted SSD, same result.

In the end she wandered out of the front door for the third time (it was really heavy) and a neighbour upstairs who actually turned out to work for the police somehow made things happen.

But I'll never live in an unmanaged block of flats again, where there is no responsible person (s) to turn to.

As a self managed block of 25 flats, all of which are occupied by people in their 60's, 70's. 80's and 90's we do hold the frond door keys to all flats in a locked cabinet r in a double locked office. THese are for use in real emergencies. I would say that they are often used by the flat owners who have gone out and left their keys behind!!!

We do make it very clear that we are NOT a Care Home and do not have any personnel who have training or abilities to pick people up after a fall, etc. As neighbours, Yes we try to help each other, will purchase and deliver small items of shopping if someone is unwell, etc. At times committee members have called and waited for amubances.

But not as a general rule and we will NOT be listed as key holders for reasons of care. Only recently we had a resident who took tota; advantage of us, ringing one of the younger men on the committee each time she fell over, getting him to pick her up. If he had damaged either her or himself in this any time, she was the type who would have sued!!!! We had to make it quite clear to her son that we would no longer permit this and he would be rung each time she contacted any committee in this regard. She is now in a Care Home after he was called to come the fifty miles a few times!!!,.

Whilst understanding the difficulties of family living a distance away have in this regard, it is not our responsibily to take on this role. Not only is it a problem regarding dangers of trying to lift someone, but when any form of dementia is involved the good neighbnour can often accused of taking things from person they are trying to assist.

Like others on here- you did the right thing: this is not your responsibility. Keep strong as I suspect you will be hassled about your decision.

We looked after mom for 2 years before her passing with dementia. We eventually had to relent and let mom go in a home for the last 8 weeks of her life when she had a nasty fall.

My hubby and I are disabled, though mobile and we were wiped out. It took us months to to recover.

Mom care home was 5 minutes from us and we went in everyday. There will comes a time when this neighbour of yours will need to go into a care home.

It's impossible to keep someone safe with dementia all the time. You have done absolutely the right thing. I’m glad your nephew is supportive of you

My first thought was similar to your nephew's. If the poor woman has dementia and you have a key she could accuse you of anything that's mislaid or lost or whatever especially as you don't get on anyway. Good for you to refuse, this is for the family to sort out not the neighbours.