Visitor Never Gives End Date

Never ever had a free loading friend, just wouldn’t happen. I would never do that to anyone nor would I allow it to happen to me, if she turned up on the doorstep she would come in but be told that although I valued her friendship I have other arrangements

So much great advice here from GNs, Jayne. I'd just add that personally I'd write to this "friend" and make it clear (very thoughtfully, as advised by lots of GNs here) that you can no longer have her to stay. This way, she can't "misremember" anything that's said! And it might be an easier way forward, for you?

This is what on MN they call CF-ery.*

If you ever have her in future, I’d say you need to know (and approve) start and end days in advance - and not more than X - whatever you can cope with.
As the old Greek saying goes, after 4 days, fish and visitors stink.

Worst we ever had was a Canadian cousin I’d never even met before - stayed 10 nights, didn’t put his hand in his pocket, I took him to see all the sights, paid for everything - and not so much as an email to say thanks after he left.

*Cheeky-f-ckery. . There are evidently a lot of shameless CFs about.

There was a great thread in Mumsnet about a couple who had just moved to their retirement home in the Dominican Republic. So far they have been contacted by 3 sets of people all wanting to stay. One was a family who had more or less invited themselves for christmas! They came on asking advice as to how to politely put them off.

The advice was to use that all purpose Mumsnet response "Sorry that does not work for me as we are not hosting at this time or in the forseeable future. Hope you find something to suit you."

No excuses, just the firm refusal.

My nephew says that one of the differences between men and women is that while women feel obliged to offer polite excuses men just say NO.

What have you decided to do about it Jayne?
I'd love to know and to hear you have been assertive and definite in your dealings with this parasite guest..

TerriBull

LRavenscroft

When my mother was in her late 80s a niece and nephew wanted to stay with her as she lived in a lovely holiday location. She was very stressed at the thought of having them as they had three small boys as well. We sat down and wrote them a letter to say that she was unable to put them up but could recommend a good hotel. The reply she got was 'What is wrong with you that we can't stay?'. She did not write back and they did not come.

Oh that's awful what a rude response L Ravenscroft, in her late 80s of course it would be too much at that age with three small boys, Some people are truly unbelievable.

We had the son of my husband's cousins from Canada come and stay with us (uninvited) when he was in his mid twenties and doing Europe. He was ok at the time, I made my own children double up so he could have one of their rooms to himself, I didn't expect him to contribute in any way I knew he was on a bit of a shoestring budget. Spent much time complaining on his first night, public transport from Stansted to our house in West London, was more than the cost of his flight from Spain, probably wondering why we didn't pick him up as if putting him up and feeding him wasn't enough! He did show my eldest who was 13 at the time, some skateboarding moves which impressed him much! but that was the extent of any input. After 3 or so weeks with us he was going to S. Korea to teach English as a foreign language on some sort of student visa. All good! my husband drove him to Heathrow to wave him off. A couple of hours later he rings to say that he couldn't get on the plane. Husband goes back to Heathrow to pick him up then takes him to the travel agent where he got his airline ticket. The travel agent had told him in no uncertain terms that apparently the criteria for entering S Korea was to have a return ticket until he'd got his temporary visa approved in Korea, but he went ahead and bought a single ticket against that advice and that's why he wasn't allowed on the plane. Upshot was we had to stump up for a return airline ticket running into hundreds of pounds, on the basis that once the visa had been sorted he could send the original ticket back to us and we would get a refund (can't remember the finer detail) but that was the gist of it. We never heard anything from him, no thanks, no airline ticket, absolutely nothing! In the end my husband had to contact his mother in Canada, who was suitably embarrassed and did get on to him to do what he said he was going to do, the ticket came back, minus any apology or thanks. Although this cousin and her sister hadn't been adverse to freeloading off my husband's elderly parents when they were alive, turning up for extended visits expecting to be driven here there and everywhere, my husband often driving round the M25 to pick them up which was a good hour from us. Guess what when we went to Canada we arranged to meet one of them and she could barely spend a few hours with us and made great pains to say she'd buy us a coffee, big deal! but when we went to a restaurant for a light lunch she asked the waitress for separate bills. A few years down the line one of them wanted to stay with us on a trip to England, we just said, "no can't do that this time", didn't elaborate as to why either!

Terribull, that is terrible. How ungrateful can people get. Glad you said you couldn't accommodate them.

When just married a friend stayed for 3 months as her husband was working away. She had dinner every night with us. One evening I went out to buy two bottles of Coca Cola. She insisted on paying. That was her only contribution for 3 months bed and board!

LRavenscroft

When my mother was in her late 80s a niece and nephew wanted to stay with her as she lived in a lovely holiday location. She was very stressed at the thought of having them as they had three small boys as well. We sat down and wrote them a letter to say that she was unable to put them up but could recommend a good hotel. The reply she got was 'What is wrong with you that we can't stay?'. She did not write back and they did not come.

Oh that's awful what a rude response L Ravenscroft, in her late 80s of course it would be too much at that age with three small boys, Some people are truly unbelievable.

We had the son of my husband's cousins from Canada come and stay with us (uninvited) when he was in his mid twenties and doing Europe. He was ok at the time, I made my own children double up so he could have one of their rooms to himself, I didn't expect him to contribute in any way I knew he was on a bit of a shoestring budget. Spent much time complaining on his first night, public transport from Stansted to our house in West London, was more than the cost of his flight from Spain, probably wondering why we didn't pick him up as if putting him up and feeding him wasn't enough! He did show my eldest who was 13 at the time, some skateboarding moves which impressed him much! but that was the extent of any input. After 3 or so weeks with us he was going to S. Korea to teach English as a foreign language on some sort of student visa. All good! my husband drove him to Heathrow to wave him off. A couple of hours later he rings to say that he couldn't get on the plane. Husband goes back to Heathrow to pick him up then takes him to the travel agent where he got his airline ticket. The travel agent had told him in no uncertain terms that apparently the criteria for entering S Korea was to have a return ticket until he'd got his temporary visa approved in Korea, but he went ahead and bought a single ticket against that advice and that's why he wasn't allowed on the plane. Upshot was we had to stump up for a return airline ticket running into hundreds of pounds, on the basis that once the visa had been sorted he could send the original ticket back to us and we would get a refund (can't remember the finer detail) but that was the gist of it. We never heard anything from him, no thanks, no airline ticket, absolutely nothing! In the end my husband had to contact his mother in Canada, who was suitably embarrassed and did get on to him to do what he said he was going to do, the ticket came back, minus any apology or thanks. Although this cousin and her sister hadn't been adverse to freeloading off my husband's elderly parents when they were alive, turning up for extended visits expecting to be driven here there and everywhere, my husband often driving round the M25 to pick them up which was a good hour from us. Guess what when we went to Canada we arranged to meet one of them and she could barely spend a few hours with us and made great pains to say she'd buy us a coffee, big deal! but when we went to a restaurant for a light lunch she asked the waitress for separate bills. A few years down the line one of them wanted to stay with us on a trip to England, we just said, "no can't do that this time", didn't elaborate as to why either!

When my mother was in her late 80s a niece and nephew wanted to stay with her as she lived in a lovely holiday location. She was very stressed at the thought of having them as they had three small boys as well. We sat down and wrote them a letter to say that she was unable to put them up but could recommend a good hotel. The reply she got was 'What is wrong with you that we can't stay?'. She did not write back and they did not come.

You sound like a really lovely person.
I have a friend like you.
He lives in Edinburgh and every year this same couple stay with him during the Festival. They do everything on the cheap too and expect him to pay if they go out to a show or a meal.

I don't know why he puts up with them and perhaps the Pandemic when there was no festival has put a stop to it.

I don't believe he even got flowers!

I couldn't stand it myself although this year I have agreed to 4 sets of visitors.
Cousins arrive on Tuesday for a few days but I'm sure they will take me out they'd better and entertain me.

On the other hand, I have a cousin who comes every year from USA but stays in an Airbnb. I used to think this weird but I now appreciate it. As I get older, everything takes more effort like making up beds and the extra cooking and laundry.
Also I may want to go away myself so if the dates don't match there's bound to be resentment.

Say something to this friend before she arrives. Tell her she can only stay 3 days this time. You don't need to explain - she doesn't

Why the need to manipulate the situation with airbnb or holidays?

Tell her that "whilst I really do love yo see you I'm getting to the point where I feel I need lots of notice and an arrival/leaving date now" you can say "I feel that visits of 3/4 days work best for me now". Don't give reasons. Just say you "feel" this is best for you.
If she asks why you should just say you "feel" it works very well for 3 days. And you feel very happy with that. After all you live on your own (or with just xyz) at other times.

As I've said on other threads "feelings" are yours and cannot be denied by others.
Sometimes we don't understand our feelings so a challenge with "why?" doesn't actually need an answer - except maybe "I don't know know"!

Say you're now on air bnb and it's £140 a night.

Do you ever go and stay with her abroad? Have you considered getting a lodger, or, as someone sensibly suggested, putting your spare room on Airbnb.. then you have a legitimate excuse for not being available at any time (whether you actually have visitors or not) and you could make some very decent money..

She has terribly bad manners.
You need to call her out and let her know that she is welcome ( I assume she is) but you need consideration. How you do this is as others have said. Ask for dates suggesting to her that you have plans at the very least.
She may think that you are perfectly happy with the situation.

Not in my house, you don’t!
What kind of friend is that???

When she leaves this time, tell her that when she comes next time could she let you know her arrival and departure times a month in advance.

If she doesn't, when she arrives, tell her se can only stay until the weekend as you are going away for a fortnight - and recruit a friendly child, grandchild or friend, prepared to give you a bed for a couple of nights, so that you can be seen to go away.

Not unreasonable at all OP. Interestingly, this is often a common theme over on MN, uninvited guests, who may never leave!!! One such thread, family lived in desirable part of the country, had visitors who invited themselves, for what seemed like quite a while, no gifts, no contribution to the household budget, dumping their washing by the machine. The advice was ask them to go and do a supermarket shop, which they eventually did, but left a receipt on the kitchen table for the hosts, which the hosts getting into their stride binned! Eventually after being spurred on by other posters, the guests were issued with this ultimatum "we'll make you a breakfast before you depart on Saturday" the freeloaders had no such intention of going, but that's how they were finally ousted.

Other than immediate family, who come and go on a regular basis, usually for the weekend, we sometimes have one or two close friends and extended family stay for a few days, always invited, these are never open ended invites, they never come empty handed and offer to buy us a meal out during their stay.

Everyone else has said it, you must be in control and put some rules in place and yes a bunch of flowers is a very paltry offering for such a stay, she should be prepared to chip in with all the extras such as food, I'd pose that diplomatically along with pinning her down to maybe a day or two and a definite date of departure to suit you, or if you don't fancy the visits say so with "I'm just not up to hosting anymore/at the moment" That should suffice, no more explanation required.

Good luck!

JayneA, how on Earth did you allow this situation to develop - and why blame your visitor now, when it's become so well established?

It seems to me that you're a pushover. Most of us would insist on proper arrangements and expect some contribution to meals and expenses.

I'd only allow that behaviour from close family or friends in a crisis situation. I have a solution, though. Why not put 'her' room on Airbnb (don't accept any bookings) then charge her the going rate when she stays? That seems fair to me.

(For 2 above, just say that you dont like any visitors at all for more than that 4/5 days. so she knows its not "just her".)

Why doesn’t the OP simply speak to her unwanted visitor about this, rather than GN? Unbelievable. I have had a lot of visitors recently. All of them let me know when they were arriving, how long they were staying and any special things - vegan/gf sister in law for example. They all helped in the house, cooked some meals and took us out for dinner. Just speak to this person, OP. Put your big girls pants on.

There's no way round it - you will have to lay some boundaries down, depending on how you feel.

(Does she turn up with any warning, btw, or is it the length of time and lack of generosity? No warning would be the last straw)

Others have made a good point that she might think she is welcome and wanted - hence the mean present.

Do you actually want her to stay at all, or do you want to limit the visit to say 4/5 days?

You have to make it clear, pleasant but firm, you enjoy seeing her when she comes to London but either

1. You would like her to stay in a hotel

or

2. she is welcome but for 4/5 days only as its too much for you.

I’m genuinely confused as to how this is even possible.
“Hey, I’m coming on the 3rd to stay for a while!”
“I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I’ll invite you when I’m available.”

Then, assuming you actually WANT a house guest, “Would you like to visit from this date to that date?” Be clear and firm about the dates you’re available for.

The sheer audacity of anyone to announce that they’re going to turn up and stay in someone’s home, for an undetermined amount of time boggles my brain.

JayneA, time to put the big girl bloomers on. It is obviously upsetting you and she is a user, not a friend

Arm yourself with a list of excuses.

I had free-loading visitors, once, when we were a young struggling family. They never even bought a drink for us. Never again, it was obvious that we were being used. He then got a sales job and tried to sell us stuff by phone, a real pest. I had to tell him not to ring again and I put a phone block on his calls. Nephew, wife and toddler son. That man was nasty to his son too, who commited suicide as a young adult.