Visitor Never Gives End Date

watermeadow

I have a friend from schooldays who I’ve rarely seen since although we keep in touch. She came to stay recently, just days after I’d had a bereavement following months of nursing a relative. She was hard work, being nocturnal and hyper active, needing entertaining non stop. Her diet was faddy and required special meals.
Despite her kindness I dread her coming again. We have nothing in common any more.

I do know what you mean. After I lost my parents I found that the situation had affected me to such a degree that awkward/high maintenance people were side-lined and I focussed on people of pleasant disposition. What a difference it made to my world. Please look after yourself and heal and don't bother about people who drain you. They simply aren't worth it.

Lol kindness....

what kindness ??
you should have said, thank you for coming to look after me, i am completely done in and now need some attention myself.
what do you mean, you dread her coming again ?
you are in charge of this. just say no.
all the best.

I have a friend from schooldays who I’ve rarely seen since although we keep in touch. She came to stay recently, just days after I’d had a bereavement following months of nursing a relative. She was hard work, being nocturnal and hyper active, needing entertaining non stop. Her diet was faddy and required special meals.
Despite her kindness I dread her coming again. We have nothing in common any more.

I had a longtime friend who asked to come with me when I next visited my elderly mom who lived a thousand miles away in my childhood home. She wanted to see it and spend a couple nights as a free stopover on her way somewhere else. I told her there wasn't an extra guest room. She said that there must be extra room since my mom raised a bunch of kids. My brothers had shared one large room and one still lived there. Her being so nervy shocked me and I stopped being friends with her over that and some other things. When I told my mom, she said she would not have liked that person coming there.

Perhaps I'm hard but one brother-in-law came for a 'few days' visit uninvited but didn't seem to want to leave after eight days. So, one day just told him that he had over stayed his welcome and he should pack his suitcase that day and leave. Job done!

Why not turn the tables and do the same to her, as many times and as regularly as you can afford to travel??? Maybe she just assumes that is the kind of open understanding you have between you?

Wow! 10 days free accommodation in one of the worlds most expensive cities! Can I come to stay? I’ll bring flowers. Please , pretty please!

You might find it easier to be assertive - not aggressive - but clear and firm, if you read the excellent book "A Woman in Your Own Right" by Anne Dickson.

amazon.co.uk%2FWoman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness%2Fdp%2F0704334208&usg=AOvVaw0_HhWNVrzEOfCVzT1H0uAL]]

Uninvited? How rude!!! Get a doorbell and be out next time she takes the micky. Let her give the flowers to a hotel see how far she gets.
Then I think you need to message her and say sorry but I can no longer accommodate you. I am happy to meet up ( if you are ) but you will need to find a hotel for your next stay.

You are NOT being unreasonable. She is being unbelievably rude. Time to stop being abused.

I have family and friends who live overseas. All of them, even my daughter always ask if they can stay, saying when they would be coming and how long for. They are always welcome but I do ask for help fromthem when I need it.

She’s a free loader and you don’t have good (any?) boundaries with her.
She doesn’t sound like much of a friend. What do you get out of this arrangement?
You’re not being unreasonable at all. It’s actually she who is being very selfish.

How long has this been going on for? Trying to change things if it has been this way for years will be hard, and may well result in your loosing a friend, and only you know whether that would be a relief or a sorrow.

In your place, if she turns up this summer, I would make the rising cost of living my excuse, and say, "I shall need to ask you to pay for your food and contribute £X to the cost of electricity, washing etc. while you are here. I also need to know when you will be leaving, as I have other plans for the coming month or so."

Work out beforehand how much you estimate her food, use of electricity etc. comes to and don't discuss the amount with her, simply state it on a take it or leave it basis.

Yet another OP who may not have liked what they read?

I have read the first page, and held my breath... then scrolled down to see what Jayne A says about it all...
I cannot see that she has responded,,, to me, that is strange

I would never tolerate someone coming to stay without asking first!

My mum eventually asked a guest that, instead of sending her flowers when she went home, could she contribute to the extra costs of her staying with her? It worked.

Grammaretto

But there is no need to tell lies biglouis much better to be straight and honest and tell the unwanted guest that you don't want an overnight visitor.

Sadly, creative truth is sometimes the only way so as not to offend. I often say that 'I don't have the capacity at the moment' which hopefully will get rid of them. However, there are people who are persistent and will ask why not and try to get through that little loophole to get their way. Then, I will say 'Sorry, I don't do overnight guests as it is too much for me'. If they are then offended they deserve it, as they should have picked up the clue in my original reply.

But there is no need to tell lies biglouis much better to be straight and honest and tell the unwanted guest that you don't want an overnight visitor.

I resist having overnight visiters and have turned my two extra upstairs rooms into an office and a stock room. I do have a fold up bed but its hidden behind boxes of stock!

I got caught out a couple of times when I first came to Manchester to attend uni. A coursemate was constantly having rows with her husband and would turn up unannounced and ask to stay the night. Next day they would inevitably make things up when he turned up to collect her. Obviously I did not want to become involved in her marital problems. However I had a 2 floor maisonette to myself (albeit on a very tough estate) and a spare bed.

One day she called my mobile (early big brick type) that she had left him and wanted to stay for "a few days". It was half term and I didnt want to be stuck with her. Now the good thing about mobiles is that you can be anywhere in the country. I told her I was in Liverpool visiting my family and had no immediate plans to return. I suggested a hotel.

She never tried to palm herself off on me again.

You are not being unreasonable. Your friend has a nerve - she is nothing but a freeloader. I have a friend who used to do that. Not anymore. I politely reminded her that just because I live alone, it doesn’t mean I don’t have a life. I needed to know when and for how long .
Fortunately or unfortunately you live in London, a very convenient base for sightseers. 😂

So many problems seem to arise from failures in communication - here and elsewhere.
Somebody says they would like to come and stay.
There are a few possible responses-
1) Lovely -from when to when? And be firm. If necessary have something or somebody booked to arrive on the proposed leaving date.
2) oh dear, bit of a tricky time with other commitments but could do (date) to (date)
3) sorry, not good for me, it would be really good if you could give me more notice next time.
4) if they turn up on the doorstep - oh dear, going away tomorrow. Here’s the number of the nearest Travelodge..

Don’t you remember the “Just Say No” campaign?

We used to have lots of visitors in our old house which was by the sea. We were usually quite happy to see them and can’t remember any of them being mean in any way. Now we are older we only have immediate family ie adult children and grandchildren. I would just say that it will be lovely to see her if she lets you know when she’ll be arriving and leaving. If it’s too long for you say, as others have advised, that you’re sorry that doesn’t work for you and tell her what does. No need to explain.

We used to have "summer soldiers" when we lived off the beaten track years ago. We never saw anyone in the cold and snow as we had a mile track to the farmhouse and fewer people had cars then.

They tended to be sitting on our doorstep late on a Friday evening in the summer when we finally got home - and would often "gift" us wildflowers they had picked along the lane.

Some were friends of friends and some arrived with tents to camp in our orchard.