My 18 year old granddaughter and possible ADD

welbeck

lovely schooling by nuns
sounds like an oxymoron to me.
sadistic thugs more like.
and totally inappropriate model for adult behaviour and relationships, as the vast majority of pupils will not grow up to be nuns. thank goodness.

No thugs, we had/have lovely teachers.

Their behaviour was/is a totally appropriate model no matter whether the end relationship be in the Church or with a family.

I love my Church and it's school.

welbeck You are talking from personal experience, as is Norah. I was educated by nuns at 4 different convent schools and my experience is widely varying. Some were fine, some were terrible. Just like any other group of people.

lovely schooling by nuns
sounds like an oxymoron to me.
sadistic thugs more like.
and totally inappropriate model for adult behaviour and relationships, as the vast majority of pupils will not grow up to be nuns. thank goodness.

I think OP that your granddaughter is very fortunate in having you to talk to. I always emphasise to my DGD that I will not speak to her mother about anything she confides in me. Except of course if there is a dangerous situation when I would strongly encourage her to tell her mother and that I would be there with her if she wanted/needed me. Your DGD is an adult so I think you have to respect that. I hope she has a happy and successful time at college.

M0nica, We agree, both discussing. My ADD from a place of lovely schooling by nuns, here where we still live and send ours.

All good, no antagonism.

Actually Norah I was mainly at schools where most of the children were forces brats like me. and at 11 I went to boarding school and spent 7 years at the same school.

I have never mentioned my father's rank, so I am not sure where you got 'sergeant' from.

In retrospect I would describe my childhood as alonely rather than lonely. Boarding school is gregarious whether you like it or not and I had a sister close to me in age and one dear friend, who I met at secondary school and we remain close

I am not sure why you feel so anatagonistic about my experience compared with yours. Both of us have someting to contribute to a discussion like this because we have had such differing experiences.

M0nica, I am much of an age as you and certainly didn't breeze through childhood with the casualness that you and your family managed.

The OP is not about me and mine dealing with ADD/ADHD or your lonely childhood - everyone copes differently to their life situations. Some take adderall, some have executive functioning lessons, therapy.

My childhood was quite lonely because I was never really accepted by other children. I was considered odd and different and I really did not understand other children as none of them thought as I did.

Perhaps partly because, as I believe you have told, your Forces Sergeant father moved often and to foreign places as well? You changed schools quite regularly - not making friends as an outsider?

Regardless, my advice doesn't change, perhaps OP is best served being supportive confidante - I suspect it will all work out well.

I think Norah that just because you and your family coped well, it doesn't mean others did as well because, as I said, ADD, ADHD and all the other forms of neural diversity affects different people in different ways. ADD has brought my son close to a mental breakdown, and our DGS, now in secondary school struggles with the routines of school life, despite doing well academically.

I am much of an age as you and certainly didn't breeze through childhood with the casualness that you and your family managed.

My childhood was quite lonely because I was never really accepted by other children. I was considered odd and different and I really did not understand other children as none of them thought as I did. I do still have one really good friend from school. But she too was another oddity.

As well as ADHD, I have dyspraxia which was diagnosed in my 40s and I found knowing and understanding why I was so cack handed and clumsy and my handwriting was so dreadful, no matter how hard I tried, was immensely helpful. I did not tell anyone outside my immediate family about the diagnosis, I did not take any drugs, but the therapist who tested and examined me did give me exercises to do that helped with some problems. Since then I have gradually learned more about the condition and how ir affects other aspects of life, like sequencing whether in exercise or numbers.

I find a knowledge and understanding of my condition has been immensely helpful, I wish the help had been there for my son and I am thankful that it will be there for my grandson.

M0nica, I'm very well aware there are levels of ADD. My brother, many of our daughters, and grandchildren have ADD (genetics, I suppose).

However, my point was none of us had assessments - wasn't done in our ages. We've all coped well with small talk from nuns.

My brother, 2 of our daughters are wildly successful - matters not.

My post was meant as a positive "GD will be fine, with you to confide in and cheer her on" - not a debate on types/severity of ADD.

Your GD has confided in you - not in her mother. If you go behind her back, you will alienate both yourself and your to daughter. If the Community College has a student counsellor, I'd advise the girl to talk to them. I'm sure they will be well versed in the kind of issues, such as lack of concentration, that you describe. She really should have advice from experts, and not from family with whom she is emotionally involved.

Norah Do remember that ADD - or ADHD, dysparaxia, dyslexia are not fixed problems at a fixed level. Some people have it more severely than others, and it affects people in different ways.

I wish mine and DS's and DGS's could be defined by: Nuns occasionally told me to 'pay attention and concentrate' on the boring topics - and I was also taught by nuns! I have always found concentration a problem, even when a topic fascinated me. I know other people who have far more problems me. I had a boss who made me look like the sleeping beauty. Brilliant, but exhausting and very difficult to work with. I had a successful career as has DS, but the reason he has gone for asseesment in his 50s is because he has come close to a nervous breakdown struggling with his problems.

At times my mind is like a very bouncy ball that cannot be caught and reacts to anything and everything. IAt times like that I find sitting down or staying still almost impossible. Other times I go into a deep intense concentration and achieve a lot. When in that state the world could end, the house could be consumed by fire, The King could call by and I simply wouldn't notice.

I have ADD. Never 'properly' assessed, ADD wasn't diagnosed when I was a child. I did fine in school, no help needed. Nuns occasionally told me to 'pay attention and concentrate' on the boring topics - that was enough.

I easily self regulate. My brother (67 years old, just retired) finished uni, was a top NYC attorney - with ADD. He also self regulates.

Your GD will be fine, with you to confide in and cheer her on.

Regardless

Op

Your history with your daughter is complex

I am not sure you are qualified to help your gc

Plus your gc has already told you what she prefers - why do you question it?

She is an adult, regarless of how immature you perceive her to be

Let your gc decide for herself. She Will manage and land on her two feet

No, keep her confidence but invite her to talk to you about it again. Maybe make a few suggestions about where to get help if she is receptive. It is not worth the risk of losing her trust if you betray her confidentiality.

Hithere yes, that is her mother.

Is the mother the 45 yo mentioned here?

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1320181-My-whole-story-of-being-an-Enabler-of-my-45-year-old-daughter-Has-anyone-else-had-a-similar-situation-they-could-share

you could look up the college website and send her a link to the student support services, or whatever is relevant, commenting this might be useful, good luck at college.
but do not breach her trust.

My friends DD (also at starting uni) recently decided she had ADD. He parents were extremely doubtful but supported her decision to be tested. The outcome confirmed her suspicions and she is now taking medicine which has helped her and made her better able to cope.
I would not break your DGDs trust because no matter how much you want to tell her mum it is more important that your GD feels she can confide in you, if you break that trust you may leave her in limbo if she needs someone to trust in future. Rather than tell her mum encourage her to seek confirmation and possible treatment.

Thank you Wyllow3 for that kind message, and again thank you for your wonderful and very practical advice, I think it may have saved a granddaughter/granddmother relationship by allowing me to see patience and trust is most imp

MOnica your message is very reassuring thank you.

DS and I both have dyspraxia. He has ADD and is waiting for an assessment. We have known this without assessment for many years. In the same way that it is clear I have ADHD, like DGS, who also waits assessment.

DS is an academic and an Associate Professor at a Russell Group Uni.

So I would say leave everything alone and let your DGD deal with it herself. Just be supportive.

ADD/ADHD, presnets in different ways and no two of us are the same. Knowing the problem is half the battle and all of us with these problems may need help in a few places, but my opinon is that while being the odd one out can sometimes be a lonely life. I am better sorting myself out and balancing my own problems than having someone else dictating solutions to me, or expressing concern in places where I have found a balance.

You know, Overit, I couldn't talk to my mum at that age about Stuff Like That, and how I'd love to have had a gran like you. Glad you've said what you did here..

Thank you so much Wyllow's, Smileless, and BlueBelle. You are correct. I realize that some of the issue is myself of course. I have to be patient and not jump to worst case scenarios. I think I am going to just be patient and see how things go for her in college and be there to take action or revisit the ADD issue with her if she or when she is ready, unless yes there is some really dire problems going on. I have to trust and try to remember how I was at 18 etc.
Thanks again to everyone for your responses. It so helps to realize as a grandmother I am not alone in facing issues and I am going to do my best to try and help others with feedback on various subjects too, and offer support as it has so helped me. Thank you again.

No I don't think it's worth risking your relationship for Overit. The best way for your GD to learn how to accommodate her ADHD now she's 18 is through her experience.

If she were alone in restaurant (not likely) and desperately needed to ask where the restrooms are she'd have to ask. Maybe this situation has arisen in the past but because she's been with family for example, someone's asked on her behalf.

Asking for help and/or clarification from teachers is again, something she will feel more comfortable with as time goes on and in the mean time, can be broached by you and mum casually as part of a general conversation about how things are going at college.

'What are the teachers like?' 'Are they helpful/approachable if you have questions/queries? This gives her an opportunity to open up if she needs too without feeling pressurised.

As Wyllow's posted "It's so hard for you to wait and see how matters develop" and of course it is but will be the best approach in the long term for your GD, and your relationship with her.

No no no let it be and do as you were asked
She may not need any treatment or intervention she may manage herself and if she’s immature for 18 maybe when’s she’s 20 or 25 she will be mature…. whatever that is She doesn’t seem in any way a problem just not doing things as you expect but everyone’s different I had one very shy grandchild who was clever but would never say boo to a goose held back from everything but at 18 she went off to Uni ( her choice) and now has loads more confidence and lots of friends and organises both herself and in the nicest possible way, others 😂
We all mature at different times don’t be so quick to label your grandaughter and rush her to a psychiatrist for a name let her develop at her own speed and see where it takes her
In teenage words, chill