My 18 year old granddaughter and possible ADD

Your last point, stay out of it would be my advice, at 18 your granddaughter is capable of seeking her own advice, this site may help.
adhdaware.org.uk/

Your gd is an adult and seems more than capable of managing this fir herself, so leave it to her to discuss with her mother .
Be glad she is able to talk to you, it’s a good start.
Hope she does well at college.

my 36 year old dil has just been diagnosed with adhd and is on the autism spectrum, she always felt different but never knew what was wrong, she has a lot of hobbies usually making things but once she has perfected a skill she looses interest and moves on to something else, she has a 3 year old who is autistic non verbal (official diagnosis) and saw some things in him that made her read up about things and then went and got tested herself. i would advise you talk to her mum and try to get your gd to go for the tests and then she knows, my dil has been calmer now that she knows what is wrong with her.

We have known from the age of 3yrs that my Son has ADHD. He basically failed (or school system) at school but now he is in his mid30s, he has a University degree, his own car and house.
Let your Gdr talk to her Mother in her time and only then should you talk to her Mother.
College will have Councillors and SEN facilities. They will guide her through what the College and the Government will offer to help her and make arrangements for any accommodations that your Gdr can have.

Absolutely not. Your GD sounds like a very sensible young lady. She knows she has a problem and is able to discuss it with you. It is up to her to have a discussion with her mother if she wants to. I am sure there will also be student advisors at her college who she can also ask for advice.

Do not risk the good relationship you have with your GD by doing something she has specifically asked you not to do. It might be different if she was 8 but she is an adult.

You asked her if she wanted you to speak to her mother and she said no. Surely that is your answer?

Respect her wishes. If you were to tell her mum about the conversation that would be a betrayal of trust, which could impact negatively on the relationship you have with your GD.

Respect her wishes.

No definitely don’t say anything you’re granddaughter has said no and that’s the end of it She is virtually an adult and it’s up to her entirely to decide if she would like any help or just get on with it as it is and continue learning management for herself

Leave her to her own wishes. She's old enough to decide.

Thanks everyone for your advice. My first instinct too is that she is 18 and an "adult" but I did not mention that she is very immature for an 18 year old. She has had a pretty sheltered life and is an introvert socially, but has made some good friends only during the last few years which is great, and of course with COVID she and her brother were even more isolated. I mean I don't really think she has the tools yet to make the best decisions for herself which is why I question whether to keep her confidence, not discuss with her mother and just continue to encourage her myself to seek diagnosis and help. My conflict is that she will not seek help because her past behavior has shown she does not like to deal with complications and it is easier to just do nothing and struggle along and then possible preventive, ongoing problems will arise from her not getting help now because I wanting to keep her confidence did not talk to her mom about it. With this additional input, do you all still think it is better I stay out of it. I am just so conflicted on best course of action here.

One more thing to add here which is why I am conflicted, I know teenagers or young people don't like to ask questions of people when they are out, like in a store asking for something, but my granddaughter won't even ask someone where the restroom is in a restaurant, or historically will not ask teachers questions etc when she has an issue. This is why I wonder if it would be better for me to discuss with her mother because I really feel that my granddaughter is too immature or hesitant to ask for help for the ADD even from her mom. Even though she said she did not want me to discuss with her mom, isn't this such a "life changing" issue for her that whether she never confides in me again, it is worth it if she and her mom can get help for the ADD now before college even starts making my granddaughter's life a lot less difficult. She may not appreciate my interference, may even not talk to me or confide in me, but it could be worth that risk?

To speak to her mum would be to break trust with her right now. Even if in the past your have read her responses as ambiguous she in now 18 and you would risk a precious relationship with her where she will and does talk and confide in you.

All if us generally learn things the hard way - experience - and tho she faces difficulties...
.... "childing" her again by going over her head talking to her mum is possibly disempowering her making her own conclusions like, "I need to ask for help" at community college.

By all means, if things really go pear shape, and she contacts you in really bad state, change your approach. If she rings from college you could for example ask her permission to talk to mum or the college counselling people.

Its so hard for you to wait and see how matters develop, yes.

I honestly don't know what to say to your second post. I was replying to the first one.

No no no let it be and do as you were asked
She may not need any treatment or intervention she may manage herself and if she’s immature for 18 maybe when’s she’s 20 or 25 she will be mature…. whatever that is She doesn’t seem in any way a problem just not doing things as you expect but everyone’s different I had one very shy grandchild who was clever but would never say boo to a goose held back from everything but at 18 she went off to Uni ( her choice) and now has loads more confidence and lots of friends and organises both herself and in the nicest possible way, others 😂
We all mature at different times don’t be so quick to label your grandaughter and rush her to a psychiatrist for a name let her develop at her own speed and see where it takes her
In teenage words, chill

No I don't think it's worth risking your relationship for Overit. The best way for your GD to learn how to accommodate her ADHD now she's 18 is through her experience.

If she were alone in restaurant (not likely) and desperately needed to ask where the restrooms are she'd have to ask. Maybe this situation has arisen in the past but because she's been with family for example, someone's asked on her behalf.

Asking for help and/or clarification from teachers is again, something she will feel more comfortable with as time goes on and in the mean time, can be broached by you and mum casually as part of a general conversation about how things are going at college.

'What are the teachers like?' 'Are they helpful/approachable if you have questions/queries? This gives her an opportunity to open up if she needs too without feeling pressurised.

As Wyllow's posted "It's so hard for you to wait and see how matters develop" and of course it is but will be the best approach in the long term for your GD, and your relationship with her.

Thank you so much Wyllow's, Smileless, and BlueBelle. You are correct. I realize that some of the issue is myself of course. I have to be patient and not jump to worst case scenarios. I think I am going to just be patient and see how things go for her in college and be there to take action or revisit the ADD issue with her if she or when she is ready, unless yes there is some really dire problems going on. I have to trust and try to remember how I was at 18 etc.
Thanks again to everyone for your responses. It so helps to realize as a grandmother I am not alone in facing issues and I am going to do my best to try and help others with feedback on various subjects too, and offer support as it has so helped me. Thank you again.

You know, Overit, I couldn't talk to my mum at that age about Stuff Like That, and how I'd love to have had a gran like you. Glad you've said what you did here..

DS and I both have dyspraxia. He has ADD and is waiting for an assessment. We have known this without assessment for many years. In the same way that it is clear I have ADHD, like DGS, who also waits assessment.

DS is an academic and an Associate Professor at a Russell Group Uni.

So I would say leave everything alone and let your DGD deal with it herself. Just be supportive.

ADD/ADHD, presnets in different ways and no two of us are the same. Knowing the problem is half the battle and all of us with these problems may need help in a few places, but my opinon is that while being the odd one out can sometimes be a lonely life. I am better sorting myself out and balancing my own problems than having someone else dictating solutions to me, or expressing concern in places where I have found a balance.

Thank you Wyllow3 for that kind message, and again thank you for your wonderful and very practical advice, I think it may have saved a granddaughter/granddmother relationship by allowing me to see patience and trust is most imp

MOnica your message is very reassuring thank you.

My friends DD (also at starting uni) recently decided she had ADD. He parents were extremely doubtful but supported her decision to be tested. The outcome confirmed her suspicions and she is now taking medicine which has helped her and made her better able to cope.
I would not break your DGDs trust because no matter how much you want to tell her mum it is more important that your GD feels she can confide in you, if you break that trust you may leave her in limbo if she needs someone to trust in future. Rather than tell her mum encourage her to seek confirmation and possible treatment.

you could look up the college website and send her a link to the student support services, or whatever is relevant, commenting this might be useful, good luck at college.
but do not breach her trust.

Is the mother the 45 yo mentioned here?

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1320181-My-whole-story-of-being-an-Enabler-of-my-45-year-old-daughter-Has-anyone-else-had-a-similar-situation-they-could-share

Hithere yes, that is her mother.