Should I just scatter the ashes anyway?

This is a sore subject and an emotional one, so although I am with easybee here, perhaps the issue should have been handled more tactfully.

Of course, I can talk, as I live in a country where you are neither allowed to have relatives' ashes in an urn in your home, or scatter them on land at all. You may have them buried, urn and all, in a cemetary, by buying a plot, or applying for permission to inter them in a plot you already own, or place them in the cemetary columbarium, so we don't ever have these discussions.

If you want to scatter them at sea, in Danish terratorial waters, you need proper permission from the Royal Navy to do so.

There are two points here whether OP is justified in scattering the ashes without the knowledge of the "difficult" sister and whether she should go and do so, knowing full well
that the place she has chosen is one where scattering ashes is actually prohibited.

The last question is the easier to answer:

No, she should not break the law, however stupid she feels it is. The point is not whether anyone sees her doing so, or otherwise finds out what she has done, or not. It is illegal, so no, do not do it.

How about, OP, sending the urn to the sister who makes impracticable suggestions and giving her your, and your other siblings' permission to do with it what she wants.

Or alternatively, dispose legally of the ashes and either tell your sister what you have done, or if that will cause riot and rumpus, not mention the matter at all.

If she should ever ask about mother's ashes, you will either have to lie and say you have no idea where they are, or no recollection of what you actually have done with them, or own up and face her hurt or anger.

We have a boat designated for sea burials/ashes from Sovereign Harbour near Eastbourne.

Witzend - go with the idea of the woodland.

Baggs

Fletcher1

Mix the two lots of ashes together and scatter them were ever you feel is the right place

I like this idea.

You could even do what my middle daughter says she has planned for my ashes: a bit sprinkled on each continent.

That's provided I am not fed to vultures, which is my pre-burned preference [wink}

I quite like the idea of taking them out to sea, as DH wants, as the ocean currents might take them on a voyage.

Baggs

Fletcher1

Mix the two lots of ashes together and scatter them were ever you feel is the right place

I like this idea.

You could even do what my middle daughter says she has planned for my ashes: a bit sprinkled on each continent.

That's provided I am not fed to vultures, which is my pre-burned preference [wink}

We used to have Indian friends (in India, both now gone) who were Parsees, so their bodies were placed on an extremely high platform, to be left for Nature - in the form of birds, insects and bacteria) to deal with.

We saw the place from a distance when visiting them in Mumbai - it was within a big park and called IIRC Palace Of The Winds, or maybe Temple of the Winds.

Obviously not practical for a population of teeming millions, but I liked the idea. And Parsees in India are relatively few, so we have gathered.

We took my Dad’s ashes to a quiet woodland spot when it was quiet, my Mum wanted hers with her grandparents so like someone in an earlier comment we just lifted a stone (it was already loose) and put them in their grave, my brother in law then secured the stone

What an interesting post and comments, since I’m in the process of making notes for my family on my final wishes - cremation.
I need to research what is and isn’t allowed here in the states.

What do crematoriums do with all the left-behind ashes? Where do they go?

Fletcher1

Mix the two lots of ashes together and scatter them were ever you feel is the right place

I like this idea.

You could even do what my middle daughter says she has planned for my ashes: a bit sprinkled on each continent.

That's provided I am not fed to vultures, which is my pre-burned preference [wink}

Palease! Get a life.

My mum who died two years ago wanted to be cremated and her ashes to go in the family grave, however we were told by the minister of the church when some of my brothers ashes were out in the grave absolutely no more!
We did what you did (so much for Christianity) we went early one morning in high heels and armed with a fork created lots of holes and in mum went, we laughed so much, we were like two disco queens dancing on the family grave. Not very appropriate I know but I know my mum would have loved it!

Mix the two lots of ashes together and scatter them were ever you feel is the right place

my brother bought a double plot as 2 ashes per plot. one each for my mom and dad and the second for his ashes. As I want water resomation this should not be a problem for my remains. I have deep religious belief but I don't get sentimental over reamins as the body is dead .

When my dad died years ago we were all the same unsure what to do in the end we scattered on some rocks at the sea where we played as kids rock pooling with my dad so every time we go he’s with us. So why not scattered at a place you went as family just an idea

I had some of my brothers ashes for many years, and last year took up resin art. I bought a cheap coffee table from a charity shop that has a wooden too and bottom tray.
I successfully and happily made a resin beach scene in the top tray and used some of my brothers ashes to add to the sea and beach part, then on the bottom tray I did an underwater scene and used his ashes to create the look of rocks underwater. Nobody has ever known what is my unique piece of art and everyone says how fantastic the coffee table looks. I love it because I feel as though a little bit of my brother (who lived sailing) is with me forever in such a beautiful piece of art.
Do what makes you happy is my advice.

My mum insisted that ashes of her and dad were to be put in with her mother, rather than have plot opened up funeral director mixed the ashes together for us, then we went early morning, dug a small hole at the gravesite, tipped the ashes in and planted a plant on top, we felt we did our best to honour her wishes

My dad’s ashes are still at the crematorium. He died 3 years ago. Since I haven’t been contacted by either my brothers or the crematorium that’s where they will stay.

After much thought we decided to scatter my mum's ashes in my youngest daughter's garden. She is likely to stay in the house for many years. I go there regularly to tend her garden and my 6 young grandchildren play there all the time. I can think of nowhere my mother would rather be.

Chardy, whatever the Co-op website says - you need the landowner's permission.

This is from the Forestry Commission in Scotland:

"Scotland’s National Forest Estate covers nearly 9% of Scotland and comprises forests, woodland and open ground. And in their words ‘It’s a national treasure and it’s our privilege to be looking after it.’ And one would have to agree with that.

They permit the scattering of ashes on their land and recognise it as something that people would wish to do. However whilst accepting of the practice they do make clear that there are certain do’s and don’ts all of which are pretty reasonable.

No permanent memorials, these are likely to be removed
Placing natural flowers is acceptable if discreet and free from wrapping, ties etc
Don’t leave the ashes in a pile, as it is unpleasant for others and can impact the soil. Try and spread them as widely as possible.
If a habitat is fragile, containing rare plants, please ask the local District Office first – contact your local district office."

On a lighter note, I’d just add that when I asked a few years ago whether my brother still had the old man’s ashes, he (typically irreverently) replied, ‘I’ve got something that could be the old man, but it could be the scrapings out of the log burner.’

(The Old Man would only have laughed - I’d better add that in case anyone is shocked.)

I don’t expect the crematorium uses a brand. They probably use carbonic acid which is high in nitrogen so will act as a fertiliser too. Hence the lush green!

Mollygo

Thanks Lathyrus.
I use a neutraliser on my lawn to stop the dog’s wee turning it brown.
Theirs must be super efficient or they must use an awful lot to counteract the steady train of ash deposit appointments.
I don’t suppose you know the brand name of what they use.

You can mix the ashes with a commercial product RTN2 Soil before scattering which will not just render them harmless but actually be beneficial to the environment.

Otherwise ashes are highly alkaline so a charcoal layer or any acidic wash will help. With salinity the only answer really is to keep washing it through until it dissipates below the level of plant roots.

Scatter and hope for heavy rain!

Just to clarify, I’ve never seen anything specific about ‘no ashes to be scattered within Richmond Park’ - just signs about No Fires or Barbecues!! and lately, ‘Dogs must be on leads during the deer ‘birthing’ (I hate that word!) season.’

I had just assumed that it would not officially be permitted - if anyone asked.

Thanks Lathyrus.
I use a neutraliser on my lawn to stop the dog’s wee turning it brown.
Theirs must be super efficient or they must use an awful lot to counteract the steady train of ash deposit appointments.
I don’t suppose you know the brand name of what they use.

Mollygo

We scattered my Dad’s ashes on the lawn/ flowerbeds in the garden of remembrance at the crematorium. You had to make an appointment to do it so your scattering didn’t clash with another family’s scattering. Amazingly, after what I’ve read on here, the lawn was beautiful and the flowerbeds were luxuriant.

They use a neutralising liquid feed.