AIBU to expect a more polite response?

There’s always two sides to every story, and it was great you invited both of your GS, it’s their decision whether to attend, it sounds a terribly sad and awful situation all round. Leave your older GS to sort things out for himself if you ever want any kind of future relationship.

No one ever truly knows what happens in people’s marriages other than them be it’s so easy for you to blame your former DiL as you clearly love and cherish your son and GC My advice, back off, there will be other birthdays, Christmases etc etc

Sadly, what you described is very common. I have two of my GCs estranged. As grandparents, we have to be the bigger people and do everything in our power to keep the door open.

I know exacting the pressure my GCs are under. They are in their 20s now and I still send cards and money for Christmas and birthdays which is never acknowledged.

Glad you didn't tell him off. "No" is a complete sentence and I imagine if he would have replied "Yes" you wouldn't have been offended at his bluntness. It would have been nice to get a thank you but at least he replied and kept the conversation open.

Yes you would be unreasonable

You know he doesn't want to see his dad

The relationship is between the two of them..

So you inviting him to the birthday dinner is going to come across as more of a guilt trip than anything else..

You seem very heavily invested in a relationship you didn't live... I'd take a step back and simply support in the form of listening. It could backfire on you being too involved when you have relationships that matter with the grandchildren too

not surprising she had other plans, seems short notice.
and agree with others that it is not your place to correct your GS.
his reply sounds ok to me, it was clear and prompt.
beware of alienating him.

Teenagers can be very abrupt and give one word answers. He may not have meant to be rude.
I would have replied " Sorry you aren't coming but would love to see you sometime."

HooteNanny So, do I send him a text just saying thank you for the response, or do you think it would be unkind to gently take him to task for being so abrupt? I know it’s daft to even worry about it but I’m torn and so sad

I'd reply "Thanks for letting me know. Love Nan"

Yes it would be unkind to take him to task. Don't

My immediate reaction was to think the meal wouldn't be much fun for any of you.
What does your DS say about it? It's his birthday.

Oh dear, my pad has a life of its own today.

I appreciate you should follow professional advice.

Bear in mind that your grandson might not agree with it?

I didn’t mean it to sound harsh HooteNanny. They do just

Thank you Cornergran, Theexwife, icanhandthemback, maggiemaybe and Aveline for positive thoughts. In answer to why I ignored my DGS’s decision Lathyrus, our family has been told by my son’s mediator to continue to contact the boys with news, invites, and to try and act as normally as possible while the situation is still volatile. It will give them the chance to contact (or not) any one of us if they feel the need to. Obviously if we don’t contact them, they may feel that they are not wanted by us and not bother to instigate any communication. It made sense to me, and thus I have continued to ‘chat’ to them both via WhatsApp. Hithere - I never have, and never would ‘meddle’ in any of my children’s family life; there is a difference between ‘meddling’ and being totally supportive. My son is devastated by this break up, as I said before there is far more to the story, suffice to say that his ex partner is being as vindictive and poisonous as she can be, and is unfortunately encouraging the boys to be the same. I am assuming the mediator professional my son is seeing knows what she is talking about, so am happy to follow her advice. There is no pressure from me to my darling grandsons, I miss them enormously, but completely understand the circumstances they are having to currently live through. I have replied to my eldest as a few of you have kindly advised, and just said thank you so much for the reply, maybe another time and as always ‘love you’. Icanhandthemback, my situation sounds quite similar to yours in many ways, I am always ultra careful what I write as I know what she is like and how quickly she can be to spite. I am heartbroken for my DS as all he has ever done is to live his life to make hers easier and to have a good relation with his boys. It gives me hope that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel for him with the eldest, and I am just so grateful that the youngest has decided he wants to see his Dad. (I have just had a reply from the youngest - he’s really sorry but Mummy said they already had plans for tonight!!). Anyway, thank you all for your responses

He doesn’t want to see his father. I understand that as my son made the same decision, for his own reasons. AreWeThereYet’s suggestion is good.

There's no need to reply.

It would be difficult to invite one son without the other, even knowing he was unlikely to come. He can't now feel slighted at not being asked, the decision was his. I would just respond with 'Okay then, love you' and leave it at that.

Yes, just thank him for the reply.

You did the right thing by inviting both grandsons, now just thank him for letting you know.

Your meddling is making everything worse,

Is it? How do you get that from what we’ve been told?

For what it’s worth, OP, I can’t see you’ve done anything wrong by inviting your elder DGS. Who knows, one DGS has recently changed his mind about seeing his father, the other may yet do the same. You’ll be shredded by some on here, but then you would have been had you told us you’d invited just one of the DGS.

But tread carefully. I’d say just accept his decision, no pressure, and thank him kindly for the reply. He’s at a difficult age, as you say, and is going through a lot. Good luck to you all.

I understand how painful it is hootenanny, we’ve been through something similar although our grandchildren were never so cut and dried about their dad they did work through very angry stages. My advice would be to thank your grandson for his reply and leave it at that. I don’t think you were wrong to invite him, after all his feelings may change with time but please don’t pressurise him. It’s hard when these things impact our relationship with our grandchildren, you are naturally protective of your son and his children, sometimes though saying nothing is the safest and most productive way.

You’re lucky you got No. A thumbs down emoji or a shaking head GIF would be more usual in that age group.

But as he’s said he doesn’t want to meet his Dad, can I ask why you ignored his decision. I think you may have really annoyed him☹️

Op
You overstepped several times here

You do not reply to your oldest gs.
You asked a question and he replied. Why bait him into a fight?

1. Your oldest gs doesn't get along with his dad yet you invite him for the meal - how is this logicla for you?
Of course he reacted the way he did

1a. Shouldn't be his dad inviting him for the meal?

2. "No" as an answer makes sense
He was polite as he replied to your invite
He could have ignored you, ghosted you or replied in a aggressive manner

Your entitled attitude of "a word is not a proper answer" - which btw, it is not a rude answer- is your demise.

3. How the mother of your gs replies to her ex husband is none of your business
Plenty of divorced couples communicate via email, nothing wrong with it

4. It is up to your son to fight for his rights and what happens in a marriage is not always public information

5. Whose idea was this lunch? Your son's?
Whose idea was to invite his kids?

Op, back off. Back off a long mile.

Your grandsons are pressured enough in this situation and they don't need grandma coming "to the rescue" with outdated expectations

Your meddling is making everything worse, your "good intentions" are not coming across as such

Theexwife is right. However, I'm similarly struck by the tendency to just send one or two word responses by my own DGSs. We're on great terms I see them a lot. Maybe boys of that age just don't send long polite texts? Don't take it personally. You are really doing your very best in difficult circumstances.

I agree with the previous posters. Just leave it at that.I wouldn't reply .

I would say, 'Ok, thanks for replying,' because if he doesn't want to see his dad he could well have added, 'You must be joking.' It must be tough for you watching this scenario.

At the moment when things are so fragile, I would be tempted to keep things light with him. Of course you want him to be polite but as he is struggling with all this, he doesn't really need any more angst.
I would be very careful what you write on WhatsApp as well. You don't want to lose that contact and if Mum is as controlling as you say, it won't take much to have the privilege withdrawn.
I understand how hard it is. My DS was in a similar position with his ex who never forgave him for leaving her after she tried to get pregnant again even though he had said he wanted to wait before they had another child. It was after she had cheated on him and he felt the trust was completely gone. My DS never badmouthed her but he was not given the same courtesy. There was a court order defining minimum access so contact was maintained. When his son was 16, it all came out with a mental health report my DS received. My DS sat his son down, told him the truth as kindly as he could and has given him the opportunity to ask as many questions as he wanted. The relationship will never be as good as it could have been but it is closer now so hopefully they can build on that.
One thing I found was to make sure that I didn't get caught in the middle of the parents. Although I had a reasonably close relationship with the ex (they lived with us for a while) it obviously was difficult whilst they sorted the breakup out. However, if I saw my DGS, I always made sure I told her what a credit he was to her because, to be absolutely fair, he was. Over the years, the venom became less and it was easier to set the harshest stuff aside but I do believe that it would never have happened without a concerted effort to maintain a relationship and nearly biting my tongue off on occasions.

As you know he doesn’t want to see his father I’m not surprised at his response.