The wittiest put-downs ever?

I had a "shepherding" visit at my house from 2 ministers of my former church (no longer!). It turned out to be an accusation visit. Afterwards I turned to my now ex husband and told him that "they are sons of the devil and are no longer welcome in our house". His face was a picture!

Brilliant Urms, not heard that one before!

Brilliant thread, just love these.

The one I always remember:

According to Hollywood legend there was a pointed verbal encounter between the movie siren Jean Harlow and the sharp-tongued English aristocrat Margot Asquith. When Harlow attended a party given by Asquith, the movie star presumptuously referred to the hostess by her first name, and she repeatedly mispronounced it as “Margott”, i.e., she pronounced a “t” at the end of the name. Eventually, Asquith responded with a squelcher:

“No, no, Jean. The ‘t’ is silent, as in Harlow.“

One from my DD, when she was 15 she had a huge argument with her dad about what time she had to be home from a party, normally she could twist him round her little finger but on this occasion he wouldn't budge , as she stormed out the room she turned to me and said ' mother why didn't you just use artificial insemination? "

I had a maths teacher who was wonderful but had little patience with students who didn't work hard. She told one girl "there are several people in this school that I don't like and you are most of them" (she'd probably be sacked for saying that these days!)

My Irish gran to anyone annoying her " If you were a dog, I'd have you put down."

Heard from my Father years ago. At our local GP's part of a 3-man practice. On being shown out of the surgery found the waiting room still full of patients waiting for the other partners who had been called out. The Grumpy one copying Churchill said "Bugger the lot of you", shooed them all out and locked the door.

Dean Rusk American envoy said to De Gaulle when told to get all Americans out of France"What even the dead ones?"

I was speaking to a client when the office "joker" joined us and commenting on the red jumper I was wearing said that "red is a sexually aggressive colour" I slowly looked him up and down and said "I think you are safe". Collapse of client in laughter and retreat of office joker!

A friend of mine cracked me up when she said to a slightly histrionic acquaintance, ‘ Settle, petal’ - said very seriously with a strong Aussie accent.

dolphindaisy

Another from the great Oscar Wilde. When attending a party he was asked by the hostess "Are you enjoying yourself Mr Wilde?" He replied "Enormously Madam, there's nothing else here to enjoy"

😂😂😂

This is a great thread!!

If she swallowed her tongue, she'd poison herself.

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.” The inimitable Dorothy Parker.

Another from the great Oscar Wilde. When attending a party he was asked by the hostess "Are you enjoying yourself Mr Wilde?" He replied "Enormously Madam, there's nothing else here to enjoy"

“She ran the whole gamut of the emotions from A to B.” Critic Dorothy Parker on Audrey Hepburn’s acting in a play

“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.” Bette Davis on Joan Crawford

I love Jane Austen, she’s a mistress of the put down. I think my all time favourite, also from Pride and Prejudice is Mr Bennet, when Mrs B is panicking about not having a home if he dies before she does.
“My dear, do not give way to such gloomy thoughts. Let us hope for better things. Let us flatter ourselves that I may be the survivor.”

My big opportunity arose when I was alone in the office and just about to lock up. A young man illegally parked a big van outside and burst into the office with a long and complicated tale about how he had been unable to deliver a 3 piece suite and it was now to late to return to the depot. He then offered me the suite at a knock down price.

Quick as a flash, I looked him straight in the eye and said, "My Mother taught me to never take sweets from a stranger"

BUT he didn't "get it", no one else was there to hear my brilliant response and I finally had to tell him I was phoning the police to get him to leave. I was so disappointed.

When Mary had finished her second song her father said aloud, " That will do extremely well, child you have delighted us long enough. Let the other young ladies have time to exhibit" Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen : Chapter 18.

eazybee

A young girl on the Reception desk at the Town Hall, dealing with a self-important councillor who had queue-jumped:
"Don't you know who I am?"
" No. Should I?"

To add to that one:

"Don't you know who I am?!"

"Can anyone help this gentleman please, he appears to have forgotten who he is"

Churchill, when accused by Lady Astor of being disgustingly drunk, replied "My dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But by tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly". This however could have been directed at Bessie Braddock,not Lady Astor,but either way - OUCH!!

My late DMiL to her rather pompous cousin "you are the most intelligent of my cousins -(pause) now that X is dead"
Her comments could sting but they were very funny if you weren't on the receiving end

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A young girl on the Reception desk at the Town Hall, dealing with a self-important councillor who had queue-jumped:
"Don't you know who I am?"
" No. Should I?"

Absolutely brilliant. 😂😂😂😂