Lost loves. Should we say goodbye

Well for me I wouldn’t go there, I have no desire to see any of them, the love of my life is the one I’ve been with for 40 years. Obviously I wish them well but have no desire to meet them, the past is the past and I look forwards to the future,

timetogo2016

There`s a reason why you split up,romanticising about someone is pointless.
The past has gone,no one lives there.

I agree, there is usually a reason which doesn't go away. The only exception could be if you have lost touch, as a few posters have done. But, again, they lost touch so perhaps there was a reason for that.
I think it's a big mistake to moon about dreaming about what could have been - if it didn't work the first time the reason is probably still there.
I'm so sorry that some of you have been scarred by previous experiences, if you have lost your trust in others. But my mantra has always been to live the life you have, not hanker after some imaginary and probably unachievable dream.

I was contacted by an ex-partner, we had lived together for 6 years, this was 20 years after we parted.

We met up as he happened to be in the area I live. It was pleasant enough, we spoke about trips we’d had and events we attended but neither of us talked of the bad breakup, to me it was pointless rehashing it.

I wouldn’t meet him again if he were in the area, it was okay but we have nothing left to say.

I personally would not now contact any previous love, as at least one of them married after we had broken up, and I have no idea if his wife ever heard about me. I can only too well imagine the trouble I might cause if I got in touch.

I also recently declined an invitation from a man I had a crush on when I had just left school and started at a training college. There was nothing physical between us then or since, and he is obviously still married to the woman he was married to then and did know that a silly little 16 year old had fallen for her husband. I just felt that even in the cyber-space world of Facebook being "friends" might upset both her and my DH.

On the other hand I would happily meet up with any and all friends (without benefits) from any period of my life if any got in touch.

Often think the same thing and wonder what if.
I was too naive and innocent to take the friendship further but sure it was a lost chance.
Appreciate everyone’s responses.

I met the love of my life when I was 16. We lost touch at university- no internet then, just one shared phone in a common room - and parents moved house etc so no post got through. I tried to find him before I got married and couldn’t. He’d done the same. He finally got in touch with me over 20 years ago and I was utterly floored. We met up several times and chatted frequently. My marriage had already ended and he was married with no intention of leaving. Eventually although it broke my heart to do so I told him about five years ago that we couldn’t be in contact any more. I’ll always miss him and nobody has replaced him. I see so many people my age - 60s - marrying for a second time. I don’t ever want to be married again (didn’t really want it first time round) but I just feel that unless I found that feeling again anything else would be compromise. Plus I’ve lived on my own for so long I’m not sure I could cope with someone permanently in my house

There were two loves of my life. I was treated badly by both. My first husband was a serial philanderer and made off with our joint savings. A long story but I was young and started again. My second husband was difficult, DV involved. It was a long relationship but ended badly and I now do not have the financial security I hoped for in later life. I move on and have forgiven them both as my personal faith demands. I would not want to talk to either about anything from the past. Yes, there are many, many unanswered questions which I will never ask as I don’t believe the answers would assuage memories of the hurt I felt then, the echoes of which will be with me forever. I have tried to move on but am mostly saddened by my lack of ability to trust any more and I actively avoid any further relationships. I’m nearly 67 now and feel, sadly, it’s too late for me.

I think however tempting, the past should stay in the past.
Friends Reunited and popular rom-com films or fiction have a lot to answer for.
You are not the person you were and nor is he. Your life experience will have moved you both on (or should have) and saying Goodbye or Sorry is a bit irrelevant now.
Keep the memories by all means (and your illusions) but bear in mind the the fat balding man you meet up with may be seeing a dumpy, grey-haired granny himself.

There`s a reason why you split up,romanticising about someone is pointless.
The past has gone,no one lives there.

MadMeg
I went to the funeral of a friend who I’d been friends with for 50 years. 4 of his ex girlfriends were there ( and his partner)

Over the years I've re-met two people who say I was the "one who got away", but I'm very happily married (nearly 50 years) and know that there were reasons for the relationships ending so have no regrets.
One married on the rebound (I've been told) and is still married. He was in touch some years ago and was not very happy. Another did eventually marry and is now widowed. I'm absolutely sure that I was right to end our early relationships and need to say nothing to them that hs not already been said.
The only person whom I see as the one who got away is an old friend from university. I still meet him occasionally for lunch but never had a relationship with him and don't believe that it would really have worked.
I'm grateful to have met my husband young so that we could be happy and grow old together.

I had several relationships before I married (young), mostly in my teens. One of 3 years, one of a year, and a couple of shorter ones. I met both the longer-term men in our 40s and we were like old friends having a chat and a laugh. Both had married far more suitable people than I had been back then, so I was pleased. The lad I was with for 3 years had been my best friend growing up. When he died suddenly in his 50s I went to the funeral and stood at the back. Another mate introduced me to his widow and she was thrilled to know how highly I had thought of him back then, and that we had parted simply because we had grown apart - as you do at 18. She was clearly a better partner for him than I would ever have been.

The 1-year chap I bumped into in my village, also in our 40s and we laughed our socks off at some of the daft things we had done back then.

I had another shorter, but intensive relationship with a chap I found on FB in our 60s. He went abroad for an extended holiday and came back early cos he couldn't bear for us to be apart. Unfortunately he didn't even remember me!!!

I am fortunate that I didn't have any breakups that were problematic (oh, I cried my eyes out at the time!) so my experiences were a lot different from some of yours.

I don’t think there’s a “one size fits all” answer here as different circumstances will elicit different responses.
I have been with my husband over 40 years. Prior to this I was in a complicated relationship but I was deeply in love and the breakup was traumatic. Somehow we remained friends although over the years we’ve more or less lost touch. He got married a month before me and they are still together so I suppose you could say alls well that ends well. However I’ve always had that nagging feeling that I would like to meet just one more time but not for any romantic reasons.
It isn’t just the one previous relationship, there are a couple of other ex boyfriends from when I was younger (one being my first love) that I would love to see just one more time, but to be clear it wouldn’t be because I still have feelings for any of them.

I saw an ex's name on 'friends reunited ' it was his birthday so sent a short message. A reply came back swiftly. He apologized for being such a cad and hoped life worked out for me. It was such a nice apology, I replied all was well and we left it at that
I'm so glad I contacted him.

My daughter found my bucket list and decided that at least one of the items would be taken care of. She drove me hundreds of miles to see a man who is/was the love of my life.

I hadn't seen him for 15 years. We spent two happy days together until it was time for me to go home. Nothing was really said about the past, but he told me later that seeing me had helped him a lot. He didn't explain why.

If you do decide to see someone who was very precious to you I would advise making sure you both deal with the herd of elephants in the room while you are together !

It’s a difficult one. There’s no right or wrong way. I have children with my ex husband and have seen him at their weddings etc and we just acknowledge each other. Although 30 years have passed I feel when I see him that I wish we could just sit and talk. He found out about 15 years ago he has a genetic condition inherited from his mother of which she died of in her early 70’s and now he’s suffering with it and only in his 60’s. I wish we could talk before it’s too late. I think every situation is different and we need to deal with accordingly.

Twice Ive meet people thst I was crazy about years ago. It wasnt the same and they wernt the same as I remembered. The past is the past and should be that.

I’m glad I didn’t choose to live with the past and all its unresolved problems though Monica, I can only speak for myself. We were essentially the same people we had been almost forty years before, and I felt as though a burden had lifted afterwards.

Casdon Itis not that I have nothing to say to them. There were aspects of both relationships that I did not understand and was left wondering about. It is just that I do not think that meeting up many, many decades after the event and talking about the relationship is going to get anyone anywhere.

Memories will be very different, personalities will have changed and developed, and, as I say again, Lathyrus's experience shows that the other party may be coming to the party with an entirely different agenda; to prove they were right, to prove you were wrong.

Far better to learn to live with the past and all its unresolved problems and relationships.

I said I was sorry at the time and hope both of them went to to have happy lives.

I do know one ex-boyfriend got married and I'm sure his wife was a lovely, kind young woman.

As for the others, they were short-lived brief flirtations. I'm sure they think of me as often as I think of them.

After two marriages to men I fell in love for the first time in my life with a woman. She was 10 years older than me and had lived a wild and independent life. She turned up one day on the doorstep of my Hebridean Croft and changed my life forever. We were together for a couple of years before parting. I learned for the first time in my life what love was. We parted at a junction on the A1 in 1994. I knew then I would never see her again. My life long wish is to be able to thank her for giving me the opportunity to experience what love is and to enjoy every moment in the here and now. I’ve no idea where she is now but I would give everything I have to thank her for the gift of love.

I had a very happy time at college spending most of that time with my first boyfriend . After we split up I never heard from him again but am still in touch with female college friends who I actually spent less time with! For a while I thought it would be interesting to bump into him to see if there was still a "spark" - then realised we would both look significantly different from when we were young and lovely! I think it's best to keep happy memories undisturbed

Everybody has different experiences Monica, and it’s too late when somebody has died if there was something you still wanted to say. I had read your previous post, and understood from it that there was nothing you wanted to discuss with them, which is good. I can only speak for myself though, as we all can, and I was very glad to have the opportunity to make peace. I know he was too. It’s not to do with later relationships, we both had happy marriages.

Casdon A previous post, rather suggested I had - and I have. But I think the past is the past and as Lathyrus shows, if the opportunity arises to resolve the past, it may not be the opportunity you want.

In my case both those involved have died, but in neither case do I regret the loss of an opportunity to try and understand what I did not understand nearly 60 years ago.

In most lives there are events that we did not understand at the time and do not understand now, we cannot go back constantly trying to relive our lives and find out why things happened. They happened, we dealt with it and it shaped our lives in some form - or it didn't.

I was fortunate that both my signifcant others warranted obituaries, one local to where he lived, one in a professional journal, so I know something about the rest of their lives. Their lives were very different from each other - and very different to the life I have lived. On consideration, for different reasons, the life I have lived has offered me more than life with either of them could have.

I imagine if you believe, praying may be your answer.

I met my husband when we were very young children, never dated another, married at 16 - over 60 years ago. One of us will leave this world first - God tells we'll see each other later. I'd pray for a quick passing, if left behind.