Lost loves. Should we say goodbye

SporeRB

My husband is my first serious relationship. I have no baggage. I don’t think of what ifs or dream of a life with another man.

I love my husband dearly but is he my soul mate or the love of my life?. Nah, I don’t think so.

Is it a good idea to contact the lost love of your life if he still has a living partner? What if she finds out and she gets really upset?

You many simply want answers about your past relationship which happened ages ago or some kind of validation that you meant something to him once and that he has not forgotten you.

She on the other hand, may think that all this is just an excuse to meet up and rekindled your past romance.

I feel like you SporeRB. I care about my husband but our relationship is more like a brother and sister . Even my son has observed this. He no longer shows me any kind of affection.

There are answers about my past relationship I would like to know but never will. I am sure I meant something to my first love at some point in our relationship and I hope he hasn't forgotten me. Marriage with my first love, if it happened, wouldn't have worked out, as my mum observed, he would have upset me. I do still though care about him and I hope he is ok.

I know how you feel. I went out with someone for nearly 17 years! I knew right from the beginning he never wanted marriage or children. I was also aware he went out with other women whilst going out with me. In the end he moved to London and told me , it was a chance for him to have a new life! Soon after that he went on holiday and sent me a postcard, so he still wanted to keep in touch. I also had meet someone else so decided to write him a letter saying I didn't want to see him again and another letter asking him not to come out walking with the walking group we both belonged to again. I very much regret writing the last letter. the following Christmas I received a Christmas card from his parents. It was obvious, he hadn't told them he was no longer in contact with him. I loved him and wished we could had remained friends. I married someone else and I had my first child at 38 and the second one at 40. I consider myself very blessed. I did write to him telling him how my life had turned out, with a birthday card but it was returned with the message 'Not known at this address.' I emailed him during lockdown but I have no idea if he read it. He is not on facebook. I recently sent him an 80th Birthday Card via Funky Pigeon, unsigned. He has never married or had children and I know exactly where he is. I would like to know if anything happens to him but I doubt if I will be informed. I have recently moved to another county, I did send him by email, my new address but I doubt that he opened the email. I would like to think he thinks about me sometimes. So as you can see, I have never got over my first love. The Serenity Prayer comes into my head: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

MissChateline, you could be right, it certainly feels that way to me, anyway. When I broke up with past boyfriends, and even my ex-h, it was upsetting (I think, with the ex-h, I was also upset that I'd made a promise, in our vows, when I married him, that I then broke when we separated. I don't break promises, so that really upset me. And of course, we had children to consider), but it wasn't until I broke up with 'her', that I experienced real hurt. Real, physical, pain that I've never felt before, or since. It wasn't that I hadn't loved my ex-h, I had, it just wasn't as intense. Previous, and later, relationships have also been more intense than any straight relationship I ever had, but not up to the level with her. And I think I'm glad about that! I don't think I'd cope! Lol!

OddOne, this struck a chord with me too. I have walked away from two marriages with men without a second thought. But my first real love was a woman when I was in my 30’s and I’ve been in relationships with women since that point for 38 years. I do wonder whether our relationships with other women are so different as we may have a better idea of another woman’s experiences and maybe how they work and that relationship breakdowns with another woman is all the more poignant and all the more painful. I too long to see that special woman who changed my life forever and thank her for the gift she gave me.

This hit a nerve! I've never had an urge to contact old boyfriends, they never really cross my mind. I'm still friends and in contact with my ex-h, because we have shared children and GC. He's my "ex"-h because I realised I was gay after 10 years of marriage. Since then I've had a few serious partners, including my current partner, who I've been with for 14 years. But there's one woman, who I was with for only a few years, but who I've never forgotten, and never will. I adored her, and when she broke up with me, it destroyed me for a long time. But I've always longed to see her again, initially because I wanted her back, but latterly just to get answers, and maybe find closure. She's never far from my thoughts, even now, and it's been over 20 years. I never will contact her, though. I know she's now married (I assume to a woman, though I could be wrong), and I'm happy with my partner, who I would never hurt. So nothing positive could come from such contact. Seeing the thread title really hit home though....

mabon1

It's in the past, forget it and get on with your life in the present and cherish every day you are given.

There's a saying:

Let sleeping dogs lie

Anyway, I'd hate him to see me now and think 'Phew, I had a lucky escape!'

In my teens I could have followed two different paths. I chose badly. My unhappy marriage lasted 23 years. The other chap, who I hurt badly, married on the rebound and his marriage was short lived. I have been happily remarried for many years but I would one day like to apologise, though I would not attempt to do so unless widowed. I do however believe in an afterlife and may be able to apologise then. The sense of guilt and utter stupidity has never left me.

In my late teen, when I was a student , I fell for a tutor. I never ever told him, and I don’t know if he guessed. He was married anyway so nothing happened. However I have never forgotten him , although he died recently. Would I like to have met him again? ….Yes. Would I have told him how I felt? …Probably not. It would have been far too late. ….I just wish I had been braver all those years ago.

When I finished my relationship with my first big romance I did it face to face and kindly as possible.
A year later when I arrived at the door of the Church for my marriage he was the first person I saw which was a bit disconserting.
Later when we moved overseas he contacted me to keep writing to him about my experiences - I never did.
I knew he married and had children and I caught sight of him a couple of times in our home town and we waved across the street.
I would never have contacted him to reminice over happenings from 50 odd years ago.
The thing is it would be like meeting up with an image of his father and I would be like that woman who you catch a glimpse of in a mirror - my mother.
So, a big fat no.

My pennyfarthing.
There was a post on this very recently. Perhaps on 'bereavement'

It's in the past, forget it and get on with your life in the present and cherish every day you are given.

My husband is my first serious relationship. I have no baggage. I don’t think of what ifs or dream of a life with another man.

I love my husband dearly but is he my soul mate or the love of my life?. Nah, I don’t think so.

Is it a good idea to contact the lost love of your life if he still has a living partner? What if she finds out and she gets really upset?

You many simply want answers about your past relationship which happened ages ago or some kind of validation that you meant something to him once and that he has not forgotten you.

She on the other hand, may think that all this is just an excuse to meet up and rekindled your past romance.

Mypennyfarthing41

Last year my darling husband of 60+ years died. We were so happy the whole time. Now, l don't know how l will continue without him. Im told he'll always be around - but l do not feel this. Also, there are those who expect me to 'move forward '
How does one cope?

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have no advice to offer, save that if you start a new thread on the Bereavement forum you will get helpful replies. Sending you best wishes. 💐

this is a powerful question so many interesting stories. Mine is quite inexplicable..the first time I really fell for someone we wrote and met and holidayed for three years ages 18-21 in different places me London he small town in Germany. Totally totally smitten. then a silence I then recklessly had sex with handsome but slightly unstable follower...dreadful. parents asked me to leave home I moved in with handsome follower....then of course the love of life came back sent me telegram coming to London I said NO. He came. I met him told him it was too late. Never forgot him still the only man that had ticked all the boxes. So marry handsome man but he is a bit of a drug addict I do my best have a child after three years of marriage...then as he was never home I left and went north far away. He eventually came running so we got back I had another child. However when he was about 8 and I had graduated I wanted out...he was still addicted he was a full time job. I was pursued by very attractive younger man and finally gave in about a year later. He became good step dad but then his ambitions in music ran away with him and he started having affairs and the whole relationship was difficult...then he got MND so everyone left him except me. Really hard time...he was one where the progress of the MND was slow and six years later I sent a postcard to friend of first love in Germany whose address I happened to see ...it was 25 years. Months later I got a phone call at work from Berlin...it was original love of life telling me he wanted to see me. I refused a few times he sent me cards and tapes I got completely smitten and agreed to see him in London. I told him I was living with man with MND who I couldn't leave. He had blamed the failure of his emotional life on me...btw. He was divorced with a child from a different relationship living alone. Anyway I (foolishly ) agreed to see him in Berlin. I was captured he was cruel. After I came back he ghosted me ...and my partner (with MND) went off with another woman. So there I was alone. (menopause). Last child had gone off to Uni. Alone. Then about 15 years later I was clearing my mums house out in London, because I had her with me but she was ailing and had to go in nursing home, so I had to sell the house. I had borrowed a laptop and saw on Messenger that the original Lof life had been messaging me every birthday for years. I answered him and we were back friends at least, I thought. Dare I hope? mmm he kind of flirted and vanished till I became very cautious indeed. moving to now the situation is that last year I suddenly got annoyed that on my Facebook he kept commenting on my posts getting the time of our relationship wrong by years...so I privately messaged him and told him the dates and, for the first time, reminded him that it was he that had broken the relationship and it was too late when he came back. Bit like Tess of the Durbevilles. I thought he would agree and say how sad it all was but there you go we weren't free when we were young...etc etc..but no. He has broken all ties to me. Even destroyed his facebook page he's since put a new one up but has not invited me to be his friend. but he is a 'follower' on mine? Well you all might think this is a load of tosh. I don't think we will be saying goodbye to each other. we have broken each other's hearts too often. I remained friends with my husband and long term partner until their deaths just weeks from each other a dozen years ago. High romance is very dangerous stuff.

Last year my darling husband of 60+ years died. We were so happy the whole time. Now, l don't know how l will continue without him. Im told he'll always be around - but l do not feel this. Also, there are those who expect me to 'move forward '
How does one cope?

I'm not sentimental and would be quite shocked and embarrassed if someone from the past contacted me. I've had many relationships and two marriages but have no wish to meet up with them again. Why risk ruining lovely memories?

I do find the assumptions of others quite puzzling, though. Their sentimental thoughts have caused confusion, with their determination to put you firmly in a 'couple'.

I was once asked to a family wedding - along with an ex. I was still friends with the ex but had moved on. My (then) current partner refused to go, so I went alone.

I was even asked which husband I'd like to be buried with - neither! The past should stay in the past, as ancient history!

If You want to well do it. If you need others advice then you are not sure your actions are right and I would ere on the side of caution.
We all look back at loves we had in our youth,some have achieved a lot but would you have wanted to be along side them?
I made my choice in my early 20's and am still happy with it thank goodness. I do know others who have got together with passed loves and gone on to have a lovely life.
Only you know how you feel and what your actions should be

One of the people in my fast is often seen on TV. He is in the “sporting” field and has written loads of books, magazine articles etc. He was at Uni when we had a relationship and I was a bit younger. I clearly remember going to his parents home for his 21st birthday and we got on really well.

He still has local connections although I haven’t seen him for years but I do hear snippets about him and he is now on his 3rd wife so maybe I had a lucky escape! He has no children.
years ago I thought I would like to catch up with him but now I wouldn’t.

There is someone in my past that I often wonder 'What if' about but have no way of contacting him. If the opportunity arose I'd like to see him again but I tend to believe 'What will be will be.' Maybe our paths will cross again one day.

I have not posted before but this thread is compelling - such honesty and so many different stories with such different outcomes.
At University I fell deeply in love with someone who was a year older an wanted to travel after university. He made it clear he only wanted a friendship because he wanted to travel after his degree. I still feel the deep regret that we never were properly together every time I see his photograph in professional magazines etc. He became very successful in the same profession as me.
It took a long time to to even think about anyone else I have been happily married for over 40 years to a very different type of man, but if I come across his name or photo, it still hurts.

A "lost love" of mine found me on Friends Reunited when that was first set up. We emailed and also spoke on the phone, but he was cagey about sending an up-to-date photo. He had been living in America for 40 years but wanted to come to England to visit.

Eventually he did send a photo - I expected him to look much older, obviously, as do I, but not 25 stone heavier.

It’s a funny old world- we were both married - we both had children-we both had professional jobs - we fell in love - it wasn’t meant to happen - we met regularly in a group - never alone except for short snatches- that love lasted for 45 years until he died. We both knew it was something special- a true soulmate- like the old song - who can explain it? Who can tell you why? Fools give you reasons Wise men never try- I am just grateful that I have known this extraordinary connection.

I do not think that achieving a long awaited closure on a previous relationship can result in both ex lovers feeling good about it, no matter what the reasons for parting were. I never told the love of my life how much I loved him. It was a huge effort keeping my feelings to myself.
He was never going to life long partner material and I was married with young children at the time so any kind of long meaningful relationship was a non starter.

Our paths have crossed occasionally several times in the last 27 years and we remain on friendly terms. I know absolutely no good would come out of me confessing ancient feelings to someone who seems to still like me but was and remains totally oblivious of the depth of my feelings and how long they have remained with me.

Sometimes in life you can love someone too much, to the detriment
of other relationships, and learning to let go is the only thing you can do, and try to find some contentment in the letting go process. I do very I occasionally find my mind wandering into an imaginary end of life conversation but the last thing I would want to do is to lighten my load by placing a heavy burden onto to the person's shoulders.

leave the past behind you where it belongs. By making contact after years you could be stirring up a hornets nest and possibly hurting innocent family members.

In my seventies I have seen again three people I had relationships with in my late teens and early twenties. It has been a good experience for me in every case. I hope for them as well.

These were not the loves of my life or I of theirs but we had shared something between us when we were very young. . All of them were very sweet to me.

One of them was dying with a lot of courage and I was very glad to have seen him and to attend his funeral which was a wonderful event and of a piece with his life and the person he had been. .

One I had lunch with in London before I left there to return to live in our home city.

One I have continued to keep in touch with on line as he lives in Canada and has spent his life there.

Any resentments I might have felt, I realized were unwarranted and melted away and I hope for them too.

I am able to look back on these early times of my life with a warmth and pleasure and ease that I might not have now if we had not met again in old age. "Ripeness is all".

My case might not be everyone's case of course. Especially if one is looking to revive these relationships as romantic relationships. I can say that all these men have had wives and families and I have a long and faithful marriage myself.

Every person's situation is different but these can be very good experiences. Most of us do learn something and mature in the course of our lives.

.