New Glamma (nanna)

I’m so sorry you feel excluded, I don’t really have any experience of this but didn’t want to pass by your post, I think it’s good that your DiL has reconnected with her own formerly estranged family, and I guess it’s natural for her to lean on her biological mother at such a time. I think you will have to tread carefully, remain friendly and open to any contact initiated by her or your son and in time things may settle.

thank you lovely

I think I would feel used - as, it seems, they gratefully accepted your help, when it suited them, and have now moved on to her family.

Still, it is only natural for a new mother to spend time with her own family. Don't look for 'unfairness' in their arrangements Your help and support was freely given, I hope, with no expectation of future returns?

Get on with your own life, keep in touch but don't be demanding or needy. Trying to guilt-trip them into more contact simply won't work. Being upbeat, interesting, cheerful and easy going will - as you'll be fun to spend time with.

As hard as it is when your feelings are hurt and you feel pushed out, I think it is best to take a step back

Try not to compare yourself with the other grandparent it is hard but try and keep your thoughts away, do things that make you happy

Just be supportive, make sure you extend an invite for dinner every few weeks or so

Also try not to worry about unsupervised access, if you concentrate on spending time with the family as a whole I think more time with your grandchild will happen as they get older

Grandchildren are exciting, I am extremely fond of babies myself... But putting the parents needs first and being supportive to them usually rewards me with more baby cuddles

Thanks Hetty, I do feel used as there was no mention of her family intitially, she wouldn’t come to the wedding or travel anywhere for them, so i felt I should do all I could, shared my savings with them, got store credit as they had none and even a louis vuitton account as my son asked me to help him purchase a £1500 “push present” hand bag as this was “dil thing” i visited every week to keep DIL company as she was new here and spent as much time as i could with baby, cooking meals and lending my car or whatever they needed even to visit DIL family, even though I encrued debts. I did it for the love of family and my GD not for appreciation or anything. I thought we had forged a great trusting relationship and now they’ve moved and i hear nothing
it’s so upsetting

finns - you have duplicated your post . Ask GNHQ to delete one of them.

Genuinely, I would leave this post rather than the one on AIBU

Chat is usually friendlier

thankyou i’m new don’t know how to delete anything

Your DIL helped repair the relationship between you and your son. That’s amazing! Maybe focus on that rather than what’s happening with her extended family. Reach out to your son and invite them to visit, or suggest a halfway place to meet up.

You must have pretty regular contact if you know what appointments your DIL has and when she’s in your area.

How old is the baby? I’m a bit confused about the birthing partner connection though. What does that have to do with anything now?

thanks for your response - my granddaughter is a year old born on my birthday! my references were in that when DIL was getting my son back in touch and there was no sign of her mum as she lived far away and didn’t raise DIL. So i was the main visitor and provider, when DIL went to hospital to have the baby the mum was there and i have been pushed away ever since. they used to visit often and we would have coffee and i would see the baby once a week. Now they have moved close to DIL mum and i have been totally cut out. I’ve mentioned it lots to my son, DIL and her mum that I would still like to be as involved but I have been shunned and told I can’t dictate who DIL chooses to be around the baby. i’ve babysat 2 times in a year because no one was available and DIL has baby every weekend and overnight.
I now feel i’m begging to see my granddaughter and being totally ignored
i don’t know what else to do now

I think you have made a mistake there

You have mentioned it lots to your son, DIL and your DILs mother.. that is actually really pushy

I think you need to lower your expectations and stop pushing, the more you push the more they will push back because they probably feel harassed

The other mistake I see is you are begging to see your granddaughter. You need to change your thinking here. Start treating them as one family unit. Invite them around for dinner, be supportive to the parents and how they live their lives...

Most importantly, keep your focus on your life, your friends, hobbies and interests. Make sure you aren't harming your mental health with this

hi @violetsky I disagree that it’s pushy like i’m an obsessed stalker or something- when i’ve read other posts that state that conversations should be had and to let the people involved know how i’m feeling, particularly when DIL mum is openly talking to me about how joyful it is to have GB stay over etc - i’m a human being who invested a lot of time and effort into them as a family unit and to be immediately shunned by the move closer to DIL fam it’s a definite feeling of being unheard and ostracised, it’s very much a feeling of being confused and shunned and not having anyone explain why ?

I know you disagree but you need to look at it from their perspective and how they view it so you can get yourself back on stable ground

I wonder if the key here is the fact that the DIL's mother didn't bring her up.. it might be that this new rekindled relationship has outshone everything else for your DIL.

I would give it time and not make any other suggestions other than perhaps inviting them all for a meal.. if they still live close enough.. just step back for a while and let them approach you.. be very cautious at the moment

I understand how you must feel. It's as though they've taken all you have to give and then left you out in the cold.
For your own sake you need to take a step back. Make your own life better for yourself and try not to brood on what the other grandparents are doing and feeling they are getting more than you.
Don't contact them as much and ask how they all are without asking for time with your grandchild. Hopefully if they feel you are living a happy life yourself they will want to see you more.

I’m confused. DIL has her baby every weekend, overnight? Did you mean her mother? Is DIL working?

How do you know how often baby sees her other grandmother?

I feel like this is a bit of mismatched expectations. Your level of involvement isn’t what you expected it to be, which is disappointing, but it doesn’t seem like anything was ever actually discussed. And talking to someone repeatedly and/or frequently to complain that they’re not meeting your expectations will only result in them being less likely to visit. Nobody enjoys being guilted about their decisions.

My best advice is to let it go for now. You don’t need to remind them that you want to see your gc. They know. So let it rest for a while. Enjoy the visits as they happen, and stop comparing yourself with the other grandmother. It won’t make you happier, and complaining clearly doesn’t change anything.

Your DIL has just repaired her relationship with her mother in the last year. Between that and the new baby, it’s a lot. I’d focus on the relationship with your son instead.

Hi aGa - in response i do feel pretty rinsed after being so involved in a practical sense as well as physically. i often support my son financially and help him save money, and helped whenever i was asked - i didn’t push or make the offers he always came to me. i would make them dinners at mine and take their dogs for walks so they could focus on baby - and i did it to support their family unit and watch my GD grow. No other agenda for thanks or praise or to feed my own needs ( i have a 12 yr old so already busy) but all of a sudden i was out and i would make suggestions to my son and he would say to contact the DIL so i did, but that is me being a nag
so i’ve left it as i’m dammed if i do rammed if i don’t and will just have to love my GD from a distance x

What sort of ‘suggestions’ did you make?

Louis Vuitton handbags and financial difficulties... not easy companions

Well it does sound as if you were used and now understandably feel discarded. I understand that. They seem to have forgotten just how much support, particularly financially you gave them... perhaps too often and too willing?
I wonder if your DIL feels she has to focus on her mother and include her so much to keep her close after the estrangemen?
Maybe just focus on what is happening in the rest of your life and let them come to you... appropriate acknowledgement of birthdays and Christmas, but no pushing.?
I know it hurts....