Child care

In an ideal world the best place for a child under 3 is at home with a caring parent ( not necessarily Mum) my children went to a lovely playgroup one morning each week , The rest of the week was spent with me - then straight into primary school. All three went to school without a backward glance , perfectly happy to say goodbye on their first day . I worked with pre school children for many years in a wonderful nursery school, but chose to stay at home with my own children . I don't regret it !

I worked for the education dept but pregnant women were expected to give notice as pregnancy progressed. About 7-8 months. There was no No job protection then and no maternity pay other than a small sum £20? .
It was impossible to get a part time job later as dh was on shift work, , even shelf stacking not possible.
We had playgroups fir a few hours am or pm but few if any nurseries.
We counted every Penny and managed until the children were older. It wasn’t a choice not to work, but for us, our reality.

There was very little in the way of nursery care when my children were little. So they were both at home until almost five years old. I don't think they suffered in any way whatsoever.

I could always tell which children went to full time nursery when I was child minding 5/6 yr olds after school. They were better at sharing toys but lacking in basic knowledge of things in the home. Didn't know what many things were called or what they were eg mattress, dustpan, etc

Woman who stay home to look after their children will receive pension credits if they claim child benefit or child tax credits so will receive a pension.
They don't end up brain dead; I studied for my MSc whilst looking after my sons using the time they were at nursery to study or in the evening when they were in bed. I also saw friends who were also home with their children and had a great time. Whilst they were at school, I was an active member of the PTA which I also enjoyed. Not all of us are worried about the career ladder which I could have climbed had I so desired but my children were where I thought my first priority lay. Maybe that was because my mother worked and we got sent to Boarding School so my priorities were different to others but I certainly wouldn't judge them for their choices.
A friend of mine got her law degree whilst bringing up 4 small boys. Blooming hard work but she was as fulfilled as any working mother.

I was put into nursery at 9 weeks old. This was in 1953 so possibly quite unusual then? Think my mum didn’t like it much but had no choice as she worked.

My generation were mostly stay at home mums.We did so much with our children and mixed with other mums and children .It was great fun.

Staying at home, raising a family was fine in the days when the average household was comprised of more than one adult woman as maiden aunts, umarried sisters or sisters-in-law, ones mother-in-law or own mother or a couple of maids were included in the household around 1900

Now, no-one lives like that, so staying at home raising a child may well mean that you have only a toddler to talk to for eight hours a day. Hardly the illectual stimulation any woman, however much she loves her child, needs

We don't have to go back that far to find that the majority of women with babies and small children took a long maternity break in the 1950s, 60s 70. They organised themselves into social groups where they could meet other young women with preschool children, met in each others' homes, hired local premises and formed playgroups for the children, met in the park, the clinic, went on outings together.
There was the NCT, the NHWR, now NWR.

No-one I knew sat at home talking to a toddler all day long.

What an attitude to say children will be deprived if they don't attend nursery. Deprived of what? To think of all the generations whose Mum stayed at home to care for them only to rear deprived children/adults. Is that why the world is in such a mess, ruled by generations of the age when they were reared at home, therefore deprived. Surely GNs can sue someone for ruining us by being looked after by a parent when young.
That Mum deserves a pat on the back for doing her job as a mother.

Very wise words grandtante.

I never went to work after I had my children.
The church had Mothers group where members of the Mothers Union looked after the children while us mums had meetings and speakers and discussions.
We lived in London near a park where we went every afternoon no matter what the weather and the children played while us mums discussed and chattered about all kinds of topics.

It's obviously a silly argument either way. Children haven't changed much through the generations, although how we bring them up has progressed.

I didn't go anywhere (organised or official) before school. Nobody else seemed to either.

My two eldest (boys) started playgroup at 3 yrs old - mainly to give me a break in the morning, as they were so lively - although, as expected, I stayed with them there for a couple of months.

The third child (a girl) was perfectly happy at home until she started school - and the fourth (another girl) seemed a bit bored, so went to nursery, again at three. I was lucky to be at home, with no pressure to send them anywhere before they were ready. In fact, the third one was still having afternoon naps when she started school, so only just managed it - and straight home for a sleep.

Her child does not need to go to a nursery at the age of 2 in order to be able to socialise with others and make friends of her own age, so no, the child will not be deprived by her mother looking after her at home for a year more.

The mother, on the other hand, is depriving herself of an income, which will quite likely mean that no contributions are being made to her pension during the time she stays at home to bring up her child, as no country in Europe equates parents doing so with paid positions re- pensions, social security etc.

The mother will also be hindering her own chances of gaining pay rises in her chosen profession and probably advancement to a more senior position by opting out of the rat-race at work.

So she needs to consider very carefully if she and her husband can afford to deprive themselves of her income, now and in the future.

She also needs to consider whether she really wants to stay at home for a year or whatever time she is considering in the daily company of a toddler and no adults except a tired husband coming home after work each evening.

Staying at home, raising a family was fine in the days when the average household was comprised of more than one adult woman as maiden aunts, umarried sisters or sisters-in-law, ones mother-in-law or own mother or a couple of maids were included in the household around 1900.

Now, no-one lives like that, so staying at home raising a child may well mean that you have only a toddler to talk to for eight hours a day. Hardly the illectual stimulation any woman, however much she loves her child, needs.

I like the idea that parents keep youngsters out of nursery till 3 yrs old. No harm done from not socializing, learning etc - so those statements are flimsy to me.

(Some mothers just want the kids out of the house for a while.)

Plus, the minute you put them in a school or nursery they start getting sick. Three yr olds in school will get sick too so it really can’t be avoided.

The issue is whether a family can afford early nursery. Not everyone can. Sometimes is may be a savings on the budget NOT to send child out.
USA Gundy

I stayed at home with both of my sons but we’re in military life so I became a child minder so I was still earning. My grandkids have all done or are doing nurseries my youngest granddaughter is 2 lockdown baby. And she has been in nursery since a baby and she is fully out of nappies she can write her name she is so advanced for her age definitely not shy but my son and daughter inlaw are both in the military daughter inlaw didn’t want me to childcare she said you are nanna not nanny. I’ve babysat a few times but it’s not a regular thing only if they having a night out etc

I made a decision to stay at home with my children until they went to full time school. I dont feel that I deprived them in anyway. We were out every day come rain or shine. We went to the library, museums, childrens groups etc..
I dont believe either way is right or wrong, its more about what you are presented with at the time - I felt we were somewhat lucky that we could afford for me to stay home with the children.
After my exhusband and I divorced it was a very different story and I was basically working to pay for childcare.
We do we have to do at the time and we try to do the best we can for the children. Its hard enough without being judged for every decision we make.

The notion that the same circumstances suit every child has always been mistaken, and for many children gradual introduction to nursery or child minder seems desirable. Sadly, the need for most mothers to be in paid employment means this is impossible for many families. And what about the staggered start at primary school? Impossible demands on families as children start first for a half day, then a half day with lunch, and eventually after as much as three weeks, a full day finishing at 3.00 pm. Definitely not designed with working mothers in mind!

I stayed at home and my 3rd child went to Nursery in the mornings, twice a week to start with and up to 5 mornings as he got older. I felt he got the best of both worlds and I got some time just to be me rather than Mum.
With my first 2 children, I worked. My Mum looked after my daughter and she went to nursery. One was in the morning, the other in the afternoon and she was happy at them for the most part. My firstborn son was a totally different kettle of fish. I worked from when he was 12 weeks old and my Mum had him until it was time to start nursery. He wasn't having any of it and screamed continuously until he was sick so they suggested he was too young. I gave up work to look after him as my stepfather died and my mother couldn't cope but when it came time for him to start play school, he was just the same, screaming until he was sick. Eventually, they suggested I stay with him and gradually leave him. It took months to settle him and each time we had a school holiday, he regressed. It was only when he was getting ready to go to secondary school, the health visitor got him help and things settled down a little bit. He still had days when his anxiety about school became unbearable but we just had to make the best of it.
I don't think there is a right way or a wrong way but I do wonder whether a lot of the problems we have with children's mental health is because children who aren't ready for nursery school have to go because both their parents have to work. Quite honestly, I think my second born would have been damaged for life if we had forced him to go.

What can be better than a mother's care in a child's early life, nurseries are a necessary alternative in our current lifestyle, but I know if I was given the choice when all my children were small I would have stayed at home with them till they went to school.

My grandchildren go to nursery. Both mums are medical professionals who are hard working enough without being made to feel guilty for not being stay at home mums. The children adore their nursery, have learned so much and are happy rounded children. Their time with their parents is also precious and happy. If for example all NHS working new mums were made to feel that nursery was second best and the best thing for their children were to be a stay at home mum, can you imagine the outcry as waiting lists lengthened and careers were cut short?

lots of studies done on this, there is postives and minuses with both situations.i would come down on a mix of nursery and caregiver, but that is just my opinion.

I stayed at home for nearly 5 years with my son and felt a little smug, convinced that I had done the right thing. Having seen how my granddaughter has thrived and blossomed since being at nursery from one year old , I’ve got to admit that I’ve changed my mind. It’s incredibly expensive but she loves it, although I’m sure that it does depend on the child.

Bear in mind too the many children born during lockdown who didn't have the opportunity to socialise with other mums and babies because of the covid restrictions. My friend's little GS was born right at the very beginning of the first lockdown and she thinks this is partly why he is so shy and timid. He's just started school nursery, but thankfully seems to be settling in quite well. Her daughter has a friend with a little girl born around the same time and she point blank refused to set foot in the nursery and is a very clingy child - again, her mum thinks this is because she really didn't see anyone outside her very immediate family during lockdown, so didn't get the normal experiences she would have had as a baby.

Our generation didn’t have nurseries, child care or indeed any other facilities to drop our children off to.
We stayed at home with mum until we were 5 yrs old and had a lovely relaxed infancy. We weren’t played with non-stop or entertained with gadgets, toys or companions and just made our own games up with a ball or Dolly , making mud pies in the garden and make believe games . I could read before I went to school (two big brothers taught me) and I wrote ‘letters’ to teddy, or mum or dad. Colouring books were a favourite pastime and a trip to the park.
We didn’t have activities or clubs or mother and baby groups.

I’m not knocking nurseries as they offer a lot but time with mum is so important in those early years.

I think one difference is that there used to be lots of other stay at home mums for mothers and children to socialise with. Now most mothers are at work all day.