Paternal grandparents

I understand how you feel and am the mother of three sons and no daughters. Generally the wife makes plans about what the family does and frankly if she loves her husband she would want his family to be a part their life too. There seems to be this callous attitude to the paternal grandparents that if they feel hurt because they get treated unfairly then they should just appreciate what you do have and go on. I love my son's as much as people love their daughters. I made sure my in-laws saw my son's when they were growing up, just like my parents. What's fair is fair and people's feelings shouldn't be discounted. Someday, those women who treat their in-laws this way may be treated the same some day.

No, males are not "guided" by their partners - another cheap excuse to get them out of jail and blame the dil

It's all very well being advised to speak to the son, but they are often 'guided' by their partners who they live with 24/7. Not seeing grandchildren is incredibly painful and very difficult to live with.

Grams2five

First I would shift my perspective. It’s natural that dil is close to her parents and encourages a relationship to that end with her children. It’s not her job to facilitate that with you it’s your sons. We fall into this trap of wanting to place the social secretary job on wives when that’s not the way the world works anymore.
If they’re only seeing you twice a year then at the very least it’s a choice they are making - not just dil. It may very well be that she sees to it to set up times to see her parents and to her son can’t be bothered to do the same. In which case start with your son, ask if they’d like to come for an extra visit etc. .

Totally agree with this. DiL’s always get the blame. It’s your son you should speak to about this.

I’m another one who thinks it’s unfair to blame your DIL for you not seeing your grandchildren very often. The distance isn’t that great, is there any reason you can’t visit more regularly ? I noted that you say you can’t stay with them but could you book a couple of nights at a travel lodge and visit in the daytimes ? How do the other parents manage, do they stay ? Would it be possible to visit and collect the children to stay with you for a few days ? There must somehow be a way of seeing more of your family if you really wanted to. Don’t wait for an invitation come up with some suggestions. A weekend away together perhaps ?

We actually see more of our son's children than his ex wife's mother. Even though I'm main carer for my husband who has Parkinsons. We live near both parents and the children's school, so provide a good deal of child care.

I'm another who thinks it's for your son to take action on this.

I think though that families tend to see each other about as often with grandchildren as they did before - so if you were in the habit of not seeing the couple very often then I feel that's likely to continue. Conversely, if you lived "in each-others pockets" then that will continue too.

Build up your relationship with your son and your daughter-in-law - and as others have said, the rest should develop.

Good luck.

I agree with everyone else - this is a lack of action on the part of your son. My husband is the same. He loves his parents very much but just doesn’t think to organise anything with them.

I agree with the other comments. It’s your son’s responsibility to maintain the relationship with you.

My In laws lived in Scotland us South of England. My FiL died when our son was only 6 months old. Our Children only saw their Ganny , about twice a year, but they did speak to her every week.
It's difficult but our Children had a different relationship with my MiL. When we did see her either in Scotland or when we flew her down here we made it special for her and the children.
When you do see them, make it memorable, do you speak to your son every week? Speak to the little ones too. You son should make more of an effort, just tell him you miss the children.
My Children when she passed away were devastated, she was 94 but they loved their Granny even though she wasn't on "tap".
Don't get so down, there is hope.
BTW.. My sons MiL lives in the USA she only sees her granddaughters once a year, the youngest was just a year old when she met her for the first time due to Covid.

Please work with your son on a closer relationship- everything else will follow naturally

Hi. Please don't be upset. We live 4 to 5 hours away from our grandchildren. My son is their dad. DiL parents are 20 mins away and so see the grandchildren lots. I think Grams2five is right...DIL s are not social secretaries and possibly its your son who you should speak to. It's very difficult when we r paternal grandparents. It sucks doesn't it . Take care

First I would shift my perspective. It’s natural that dil is close to her parents and encourages a relationship to that end with her children. It’s not her job to facilitate that with you it’s your sons. We fall into this trap of wanting to place the social secretary job on wives when that’s not the way the world works anymore.
If they’re only seeing you twice a year then at the very least it’s a choice they are making - not just dil. It may very well be that she sees to it to set up times to see her parents and to her son can’t be bothered to do the same. In which case start with your son, ask if they’d like to come for an extra visit etc. .