Paternal grandparents

First I would shift my perspective. It’s natural that dil is close to her parents and encourages a relationship to that end with her children. It’s not her job to facilitate that with you it’s your sons. We fall into this trap of wanting to place the social secretary job on wives when that’s not the way the world works anymore.
If they’re only seeing you twice a year then at the very least it’s a choice they are making - not just dil. It may very well be that she sees to it to set up times to see her parents and to her son can’t be bothered to do the same. In which case start with your son, ask if they’d like to come for an extra visit etc. .

Hi. Please don't be upset. We live 4 to 5 hours away from our grandchildren. My son is their dad. DiL parents are 20 mins away and so see the grandchildren lots. I think Grams2five is right...DIL s are not social secretaries and possibly its your son who you should speak to. It's very difficult when we r paternal grandparents. It sucks doesn't it . Take care

Please work with your son on a closer relationship- everything else will follow naturally

My In laws lived in Scotland us South of England. My FiL died when our son was only 6 months old. Our Children only saw their Ganny , about twice a year, but they did speak to her every week.
It's difficult but our Children had a different relationship with my MiL. When we did see her either in Scotland or when we flew her down here we made it special for her and the children.
When you do see them, make it memorable, do you speak to your son every week? Speak to the little ones too. You son should make more of an effort, just tell him you miss the children.
My Children when she passed away were devastated, she was 94 but they loved their Granny even though she wasn't on "tap".
Don't get so down, there is hope.
BTW.. My sons MiL lives in the USA she only sees her granddaughters once a year, the youngest was just a year old when she met her for the first time due to Covid.

I agree with the other comments. It’s your son’s responsibility to maintain the relationship with you.

I agree with everyone else - this is a lack of action on the part of your son. My husband is the same. He loves his parents very much but just doesn’t think to organise anything with them.

I'm another who thinks it's for your son to take action on this.

I think though that families tend to see each other about as often with grandchildren as they did before - so if you were in the habit of not seeing the couple very often then I feel that's likely to continue. Conversely, if you lived "in each-others pockets" then that will continue too.

Build up your relationship with your son and your daughter-in-law - and as others have said, the rest should develop.

Good luck.

We actually see more of our son's children than his ex wife's mother. Even though I'm main carer for my husband who has Parkinsons. We live near both parents and the children's school, so provide a good deal of child care.

I’m another one who thinks it’s unfair to blame your DIL for you not seeing your grandchildren very often. The distance isn’t that great, is there any reason you can’t visit more regularly ? I noted that you say you can’t stay with them but could you book a couple of nights at a travel lodge and visit in the daytimes ? How do the other parents manage, do they stay ? Would it be possible to visit and collect the children to stay with you for a few days ? There must somehow be a way of seeing more of your family if you really wanted to. Don’t wait for an invitation come up with some suggestions. A weekend away together perhaps ?

Grams2five

First I would shift my perspective. It’s natural that dil is close to her parents and encourages a relationship to that end with her children. It’s not her job to facilitate that with you it’s your sons. We fall into this trap of wanting to place the social secretary job on wives when that’s not the way the world works anymore.
If they’re only seeing you twice a year then at the very least it’s a choice they are making - not just dil. It may very well be that she sees to it to set up times to see her parents and to her son can’t be bothered to do the same. In which case start with your son, ask if they’d like to come for an extra visit etc. .

Totally agree with this. DiL’s always get the blame. It’s your son you should speak to about this.

It's all very well being advised to speak to the son, but they are often 'guided' by their partners who they live with 24/7. Not seeing grandchildren is incredibly painful and very difficult to live with.

No, males are not "guided" by their partners - another cheap excuse to get them out of jail and blame the dil

I understand how you feel and am the mother of three sons and no daughters. Generally the wife makes plans about what the family does and frankly if she loves her husband she would want his family to be a part their life too. There seems to be this callous attitude to the paternal grandparents that if they feel hurt because they get treated unfairly then they should just appreciate what you do have and go on. I love my son's as much as people love their daughters. I made sure my in-laws saw my son's when they were growing up, just like my parents. What's fair is fair and people's feelings shouldn't be discounted. Someday, those women who treat their in-laws this way may be treated the same some day.

Lol

American football season starts now

Are you aware of the term "football widows"?

Soccer in Europe elicits a similar obsessive response

Just an example of how sons/husbands/men do what they want

My DD has just had a baby. She’s given the baby the first name of her paternal grandma (my MIL), as a middle name, as she adored her.

She saw her other grandma (my mum) many many times over about 20 years, and her paternal grandma (my DH’s mum) a couple of times a year, if that.

It’s about the quality of the time spent together, not quantity.

I wonder if your DIL doesn’t want the stress of having you stay with her nor to come and stay with you. Perhaps she finds it easier to have the children in their own home. Like someone else suggested why don’t you book accommodation near by for a couple of nights and ask if you can take them all out for a meal or visit a park or something. A day out with them all somewhere might be a good idea.
Of course your DIL is more comfortable with her parents that’s the way it is but maybe she senses that you are not so keen on her either. If you try and arrange a treat for them all perhaps that might break the ice. To be honest when you’ve got young children then staying in someone else’s house is a hassle as is having someone staying with you.

These is another similar (though not the same ) thread.
The grandmother has now spoken to her adult son. I am 🤞 for them.

Perhaps you should speak to your son too Volunteer77

I live about 200 miles from my DS and family but so do my DiL's parents. We see our GC a similar amount as our children make sure that is the case. It can also be a matter of how pushy the grandparents are. When my children were young we saw much more of my in-laws than my mum, partly because of distance but also because they were more demanding. I regret not making more effort to visit mum more frequently as my children didn't have as close a relationship with her as with their other grandparents, but the distance was an issue along with my ex husband being reluctant to visit as often as I'd have liked. So it isn't always the paternal GPs who miss out. Back then video calls weren't a thing either. We have regular video calls now which is important when the distance is so great. Maybe make a habit of video calling regularly as well as asking your son to make visits a bigger priority.

I’m also a mum of sons both have inlaws near by and I was over 300 miles away from both of them. I’ve moved closer to my youngest son a month ago. I now see my grandson every week. But him and his bro still stay at the inlaws house but my house isn’t ready for him to stay here yet. My other son I go and stay for a few days but they both did video calls every week. I normally get a tour of toys etc. don’t be jealous of inlaws they just want the same has you do for grandkids. Why can’t you move closer to them. I do struggle with my oldest granddaughter but she is a teenager so I keep on trying and one day she will look up out her phone and say hello lol. Building a bond goes both ways. I send mine a parcel once a month and I get pocket money stuff my youngest ones think it’s great to get a surprise box.

Nannashirlz

I’m also a mum of sons both have inlaws near by and I was over 300 miles away from both of them. I’ve moved closer to my youngest son a month ago. I now see my grandson every week. But him and his bro still stay at the inlaws house but my house isn’t ready for him to stay here yet. My other son I go and stay for a few days but they both did video calls every week. I normally get a tour of toys etc. don’t be jealous of inlaws they just want the same has you do for grandkids. Why can’t you move closer to them. I do struggle with my oldest granddaughter but she is a teenager so I keep on trying and one day she will look up out her phone and say hello lol. Building a bond goes both ways. I send mine a parcel once a month and I get pocket money stuff my youngest ones think it’s great to get a surprise box.

I stay in hotels or bed and breakfast when I visit my other son I get on with my dils and I want it to stay that way if you book early you normally get cheaper but I tend to stay in same place so I get a discount because I book 3 nights every two months

RiverRun

I understand how you feel and am the mother of three sons and no daughters. Generally the wife makes plans about what the family does and frankly if she loves her husband she would want his family to be a part their life too. There seems to be this callous attitude to the paternal grandparents that if they feel hurt because they get treated unfairly then they should just appreciate what you do have and go on. I love my son's as much as people love their daughters. I made sure my in-laws saw my son's when they were growing up, just like my parents. What's fair is fair and people's feelings shouldn't be discounted. Someday, those women who treat their in-laws this way may be treated the same some day.

Why do you not believe that men are capable of maintaining relationships? It’s not the responsibility of their wives. Just because you chose differently doesn’t mean anyone else is obligated to.

I’m raising my sons to be responsible for their relationships. They shop for gifts, cards, etc. We’ve talked about not expecting their future spouse to be responsible for holidays, birthdays, arranging visits, etc.

I genuinely don’t understand why grown men get to skate on the responsibility of maintaining relationships. They’re perfectly capable of all other adult things, but somehow relationships are too hard? Especially when most families need both partners to work in order to survive.

I think though that families tend to see each other about as often with grandchildren as they did before - so if you were in the habit of not seeing the couple very often then I feel that's likely to continue. Conversely, if you lived "in each-others pockets" then that will continue too.

I think this is a really interesting observation, and certainly food for thought.

Our experience is that we spoke often to, or saw a lot of, our adult children when they were single (especially the one who lived with us!).
Then when they met their partners and were building their relationships and homes we naturally took a step back and saw less of them all.

Now there are grandchildren in the mix in one case it's a balance of their family time, very important when both parents work, and building a relationship with the children.
I'd say we try to do this by being supportive to the parents, helping out when we can and offering to babysit when we visit so they can have some "couple time" if they want to.

V3ra - I think the relationships with the adults is the important thing.

I love spending time with my adult children - and when we have fun together, the grandchildren have fun as well.

I think many grandparents seem to want a whole new dynamic when the babies arrive. If the fun wasn't there before, where will it come from?

What a lovely thoughtful granny 😊! X