Feeling overwhelmed

You’ve certainly got too much on your plate, but I think you will cope better if you take over the finances, and get a few things seen to

I agree with Sara1954, that you should take over the finances and get the house fixed at least. As you say your DH has Alzheimers/vascular dementia, he may not be making rational decisions.

When a good friend’s husband had Parkinson’s, they joined the local Parkinson’s support group and began to take annual holidays with them. Activities were encouraged and arranged on a weekly basis for said husband which gave my friend a break and helped make life more enjoyable for both of them. Friend then made good contacts with other families in this group and still takes annual holiday with them as a widow.
I don’t know if you have any such group devoted to Alzheimer’s near you but thought to mention it.

Hi Farview.. it's little wonder you feel so lost,, you have been ovewhelmed with grief and anxiety.. I would break this whole situation down and try to cope with one thing at a time;
Your husband.. can you contact Age Uk and ask them to help with claiming Carers Allowance and also see what else they can offer.

Your house.. get a window cleaner,, and possibly a cleaner

Your SH and deceased friend.. you must give yourself the time and space to grieve.. this really will hit hard and it needs to be respected. try to find ways of healing yourself with reflective time and treats.. ie beauty treatments, hairdresser, friends, U3A, theatre etc maybe talk to a counsellor or spiritual leader.

Your Husband.. can you arrange some sort of respite.. with a carer.. or maybe daycare in a centre, or longer at a respite centre.. or a rota with your family so that you can have some proper time away from your home.

GC is it time to discuss with your Children doing less childcare? At least tell everyone how exhausted you are.

Finances.. can you reach an agreement maybe via the whole
family about releasing money to have essential repairs done to the house, if your husband is being so intransigent..

Reach out to as many people as you can for help especially your GP.. and keep talking to GN somany helpful,compassionate responses.. I send you many good wishes

I can only agree with the others Farview. My practical hat says do try and get some help, even if it is a firm that do a one off clean through and yes you will feel better for a hairdo. Very sorry to hear about the loss of a good friend and family news. Do tell the AC exactly what is going on. Take care

H won't spend money
Has he always been like that or is it part of the Alzheimer's?
You need to speak to your adult child(ren) about your practical difficulties. Including about your husband's penny pinching.

It seems that more & more is being piled on you and you can't be expected to cope with it all alone.
{{{hugs}}}

Who wouldn't feel overwhelmed with so much to cope with Farview.

You need to talk to your family about how you're feeling. Depending on his age of course, does the GS who lives with you help by walking the dog and helping out with dirty dishes for example?

As much as I'm sure you enjoy having your GC, is that getting too much for you in too of everything else?

It does sound as if you need some practical help, even if that's as simple as lightening the load a little .

Farview, you are overwhelmed because you are exhausted. You have received bad news about people close to you, are living with an ill, demanding and mean husband, are used to doing the lion's share of running the household and doing D.I.Y; yesterday did two hours dog-walking, a supermarket shop, batch cooking, hoovered the entire house, and fed and entertained three/four grandchildren. Your house and its situation clearly are important to you, but there are other people who could do much more to help. Your husband should pay for a cleaner and window-cleaner and some care; your grandson could help with dog-walking and cleaning, and your adult children could start finding out about help available for you and your husband.
That said, I am aware it is much easier said than done; help is available but accessing it is difficult and time consuming; trying to persuade your husband to fund help will be difficult, (memories of same with my father) and your adult children probably have no idea how exhausted you are.
You do need to call some sort of conference and ask for help; you are doing far too much and being taken totally for granted.
Sorry; this is not for your fault; you clearly have high standards and I think your family is taking advantage,

farview sending you a (((hug))) please tell your children how you are feeling.
Can you speak to your GP regarding your DH, maybe some resident respite care for him would give you a chance to recharge your batteries.

Losing a dear friend is an extra pull on your heart strings 😘

That's a lot to be dealing with all in one go, no wonder you're feeling swamped.
Advice already given is great and I have nothing to add but a hug, and permission to sit down for five minutes with a cup of tea.

FarviewI am sending you a 🤗 ,same age as you,I can empathise how life can overwhem you so you feel like you are sinking,especially if you are used to being very capable and the go to person for all.
I agree with suggestions already made but just wanted to give you a hug

You have had two lots of bad news this week. Enough for anyone.

You need some help. Even if say for only one month.
Think around your friends and family as to who has energy to come and help you, is willing, and has even a small amount of time.

Lots of good advice, I agree, you don’t need to be a one woman cleaning, shopping, caring, DIY machine.
I assume you have volunteered to do so much “granny duty” but surely you need to put your foot down and prioritise.
You need to get someone in to do the pointing, window cleaning, help with the cleaning don’t you?
You sound exhausted and in need of support, have you thought of just ringing Samaritans to offload your sadness ? You don’t need to feel suicidal to benefit from a listening ear.

I am sorry things are overwhelming, farview.

Lots of good advice re telling your family but can I ask if you have had contact with AgeUk, Alzheimer's Society, Social Services.

Can you 'buy in' help - cleaning, windows, painting etc. Have you done a benefits check - AgeUk can help qith that as can CAB.

Please don't struggle alone.

Just a simple hug Farview

Farview, I think this is the question:

Is your family so used to you coping that they don’t see how tough things have become?

You must tell them "in words of one syllable" how you are struggling... and then you must accept help.

I know this is tough. I was that person. When everything goes wrong at once it is overwhelming and we don't always have the strength and energy to deal with on our own.

Thinking of you. 💐
If people are supportive (even in small ways) it will make a big difference to how you feel.

I hope things improve soon. 🙏

*Farview, apart from all the comments already made, You should not underestimate the effect on you of losing someone who has been close to you for nearly all your life.

Last year a close friend died suddenly. We had only been close for 45 years! but her death devastated me and made me sad and low for many months, even writing abut it now brings tears to my eyes, so do not underestimate the efffect this sudden death wil have on you. That in itself wii make you feel overwhelmed and sad.. My deepest condolences to you.

As others have said, dig in your toes, speak to your family and reduce what you do. Too muchof what you say you do is self-imposed not needed. There is no need to vacuum more than once a week.

In current circumstances, what possessed you to get a dog? Can it be rehomed?

So sorry Farview. Do you have power of attorney? If not try and get it set up if your DH is still well enough and will agree.
I find very small things help like a good coffee, doing my hair and a walk. Then I can make decisive plans.
Please ask for help from your family and GP and local services.
Wishing you all the best.

So much good advice here and I feel letting the family know how it’s all becoming too much for you might be a good idea as they’re so used to you coping so well that it’s never occurred to them that it’s now not so easy. Employing help with maintenance despite your H’s reluctance to spend could make life more comfortable for you for a start. Your recent news has knocked you back emotionally too. As you can see, there is so much sympathy and support on here - you are not alone. Keep strong, consider advice and keep us all informed as I’m sure we’ll all be hoping there’ll be ways you can lessen your burden.

I really feel your pain.
As we get older I think we look forward to a slowing down of things, instead of which, for some of us the opposite seems true
But you are on treadmill. First of all you need to spend some money, if your home is in better order, your head will be in better order. Get the windows cleaned, maybe get a cleaner a few hours a week.
What is the issue with the heating? If you’re cold, you’ll be miserable, try and sort something out before winter sets in.
You’ve certainly got too much on your plate, but I think you will cope better if you take over the finances, and get a few things seen to.

Farview my heart goes out to you it really does and I totally understand your stress. You have a lot to cope with and it’s taking its toll on you that is obvious.
We have a delicate family problem that we thought had gone away but just recently it has emerged again. It totally knocked me back into stress and worry as it’s a situation as a mum I find difficult to deal with. It’s not like me I usually have the answer to everything full of advice which is well meant but straight talking I feel lost for words right now.
I advise you to take the advice given here with good intention. You really do need to look after yourself in order to look after others and prioritise what is important. I hope it helps you and your situation and I wish you well keep in touch here too.

And Kate1949 too.
Sometimes everything seems overwhelming and then it's time to stop and sort out what is essential and what isn't.

It's all happening at once, farview, no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Is the cocker spaniel a rescue? They can be very lively and hard work but perhaps he will get you out of the house and away from everything for a time each day.

Windows? Clean the one with the best view. Then sit and have a coffee and enjoy the view.

How old is your grandson? Can he sort his own washing? Even teenagers are capable of doing more than they think they can!

Can you do an online shop? We find going to the supermarket quite exhausting now so often still have an online shop, it's delivered and put away in 15 minutes.

Can you talk to your DH about getting the house pointed? That is probably essential maintenance. Dealing with someone with Alzheimer's is exhausting too.

You're expecting too much of yourself, decide what you can manage and get your family to help.

Be kind to yourself or, as they say, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.

In amongst your struggles, farview, you are doing your best. You can still appreciate the views, you can still walk the dog, and you can still prepare meals. You're not losing the plot, but you have had to deal with unhappy news which is hard.
Start with a hair appointment to feel better. Sit in a café with a drink for an hour. Walk the dog somewhere new. Don't be hard on yourself.
I hope things improve for you.

Or other family members maybe?

Fairview

You have too much on your plate
So sorry for your loss and bad news about your sister.

What can you do to put some time aside juat for you?

How old is gs living with you? Can he do laundry and house work?

Babysitting- how often does ir happen?

Your husband - are you his carer?