Feeling overwhelmed

You’ve received a lot of good advice farview. I do hope life is improving for you.
When we were undergraduates, DH and I had a friend whose mother gave herself a week off every six months. During that time the whole family wore clothes which they decided they wouldn’t wear again, ate ready meals and only feather dusting and porthole hoovering took place. As our families didn’t do this, we were shocked but now, if I’m overwhelmed I think of her and stop cooking from scratch for a few days. We haven’t suffered and I have gained some ‘me’ time. (DH does cook but always manages to involve me somehow.)
Your dog is adorable, no doubt an excellent companion as you stride the moors.

Farview, I’m in a very similar position to you, and totally get how you feel. A husband with dementia is such a heavy burden to cope with.
I also feel the same about my house, I feel out of control with it and dread anyone calling round.
Finding time for yourself can be hard, but that’s what I do. I’ve got some good friends I can meet up with. Have you got anyone ??? Without my friends I don’t think I’d cope.

There are too many of us In this awful situation. And it seems we’re just left to cope. I don’t know about you, but I’d like someone to come along and save me. But in reality I know it won’t happen.

I’m sending you a massive hug💕💕💕

This was my life too until recently. Long hours looking after young grandchildren, shopping, cooking, house chores and entertaining visiting family members. Unfortunately I didn't make the changes to my life that I should have and ended up being treated for stress. Try and find some things to let go of and take time for yourself. I have started pampering myself for the first time in years and I feel so much better. I didn't realise how much I had neglected myself.

Hello farview- I’ve followed your unfolding story as we each share the joy of sharing life with a spaniel and love of the moors we live near.
My husband died 10 months ago. We were ‘fortunate’ in that his devastating diagnosis led to his death within 6 months. I was losing him daily, as you are. It’s so hard.
I think you’ll be entitled to attendance allowance. As others have said, lasting power of attorney needs to be in place while your husband is still capable of understanding and agreeing to this. Will he co-operate ? Can one of your children help support you in getting things as in order as possible?
It’s a lovely day here - I’m about to walk a dog or two x

And a beautifully sunny week ahead to enjoy those doggy walks on the moors farview. Upwards and upwards!

Thank you everyone for all your advice...and so many PMs I cant possibly reply to...I'm taking heed of a lot the advice...just want to say again..I love my dog and she is my sanity saver...as is my time on the moors with her...x

Dear Farview, this sounds like burnout to me. Please believe that you are not losing the plot. Your mind is just trying to process all of the things that are going on in your life. there are certain tasks that you could outsource. Dog-walking is not terribly expensive and would free-up a couple of hours for you. A cleaner would also keep you feeling in control of the house. Re-negotiate child-care with your children. Just let them know that as much as you love your children and grandchildren you are struggling to cope and feel exhausted. Say that if you crack up who will look after your husband.? When I was younger I had a similar situation to deal with until one morning I woke up in tears and said I could not cope anymore. The family rallied round and it took some months and some down time for me to recover. I did recover though, my family were kind and understanding and I found that there was immense relief in being able to say "I don't know". Not having to have the answers to everyone's problems was like a weight being lifted. Once I was better I threw myself back into life but I realised I could say "No" without the sky falling in. I was not indispensable. I was still loved by my family. So what am I saying? " This too shall pass.

So much good advice has already been given, especially about looking after yourself too.
Have your time out with your gorgeous dog, find a little you time, it's important. It really is important.
Sending a vertical hug.

🐶

I miss having a dog but I know it is the sensible decision for us. ☹

I'm not picking on you Callistemon it's those others!

I've had dogs. I like dogs, generally, and am not picking on them.
But I am realistic enough to know that dogs require work and attention.
They can also be great companions and a comfort as farview has said.

Why are so many of you picking on dogs? They don't have to be a lot of work. It's obvious to me that some of you have never had a dog in which case you will never understand how much pleasure and comfort they give. The OP has taken her dog for two one hour long walks per day. It probably needs that amount of walking but she doesn't need to do it every single day. If the truth is told she walks the dog because she enjoys it. It gets her out of the house and away from her OH for a while plus she gets some exercise.

I expect if it's necessary she'll be able to find someone who'd like to walk her dog from time to time.

You have too much to do and you will have to decide a strategy to get through this. Money is important so that you can pay for help. Make sure you have a care allowance for looking after your husband and if you have a car and are taking him to appointments a blue badge. The Alzheimer society help line will help you sort these two out. Then go on to getting Lasting Power of Attorney for money. I have a cleaner 3 hrs every fortnight. this makes a huge difference to the house. I have a small GTech cordless vacuum leaner to top thing sup if necessary. You have a grandson living with you, perhaps he should be doing more more paying you housekeeping so that you can buy the help you want. I have a BusyBee diary Busy B Busy Life Diary January to December 2023 - A5 Stripe - Week to View Planner with Dual Schedules, Pen holder and Pockets £11.99 from Amazon. Look at it. It has 2 columns for reminders, Anything I cant do this week I put down for next week. I try to have admin periods and days when I go out etc. I also have a white board to put things on I hope to do. You can get this diary now as they do one for academic year as well as one from January.

Sadly dogs cost a lot of money to look after and sometimes it is better to walk a neighbours rather than to own ones own.

Best wishes

Bluedaisy - here is a hug.
Thank goodness you are aware of looking after you a little.
Maybe farview will read your post and (although scary as to the future) will take heart that she can get through this, with help.

to you both - and anyone else going through this terrible time.

Reading this with horror. So glad I do not have a husband, or a dog, or a need to have everything just so. I can relax in my seventies and please myself. Good luck to you all.

Like everyone else here, I do feel for you and send you several big hugs. I have now decided that when family come and need meals, I can do the cooking IF I want to. Otherwise, I tell them in advance and ask them to cook - using whatever ingredients I have (or they can 'order' some in advance to go on my supermarket delivery order). I no longer feel I have to do everything - and I think it works better for everyone. No one is super woman! Lets not try to be her! I do also agree with others, that it would be good to talk to your family about how you are feeling.

Loosing a friend can be devastating & it hurts your heart,I feel so sad for you——— you should see your GP & make an appointment for your husband to see his Dr.
You sound as if you are amazing,but if your grandchildren are old enough let them help,you are doing them a huge favour teaching them how to do some household jobs.Make meals easy just say let’s have pancakes today etc.It is so lovely to be involved with your grandchildren you are making such special memories for them,but just explain to them as we get older we need help,children have empathy.Make lists of what needs doing and try to maybe do just one thing a day,mentally very useful to cross things off the list.When Winter comes can you just heat a few rooms that you use most ? Mainly try to look after yourself,get your hair cut & put on lipstick & jewelry and you are ready for anything ! A dog seems like a lot of work but so worth it for all the love you receive——- everyone has given brilliant advice,the very best of luck & hugs.

Hello Farview I feel your pain. I thought I was reading about myself until I read your DGS lives with you. My DH was diagnosed last year with Vascular Dementia, he’s 74 and I’m 67. He’s obviously had it for about 3/4 years but I just thought he was turning into a nasty old man. We moved 2 years ago and we haven’t finished doing our property up, it’s awful, I’m still living surrounded by boxes in the bedrooms and hall. My DH is the same if I say I want to start decorating, I want to get a painter in, he’s not agreeable because he used to be a painter & decorator up until 10 years ago. He couldn’t manage now but due to his dementia he gets aggressive! The garden is an awful mess but again he won’t let me get a gardener even though he’s not capable of doing what needs doing, same as a window cleaner etc. I’ve been very depressed for the past two years and in particular this year as I’ve lost my little dog also my beloved younger brother unexpectedly and got Covid and now long Covid! Meanwhile I try to make sure husbands life is as unaffected as possible because otherwise he ‘flips’ and can’t cope! I feel an absolute mess re hair, skin, weight etc. a couple of weeks ago I bit the bullet and got a cleaner to start, didn’t tell him until that day when she arrived, my DH is capable still of walking the rescue dog we got in March so I sent them for a walk and kept telling him after she’d gone how much it felt cleaner indoors! Basically it’s non negotiable having a cleaner now even if she did have to clean around the boxes as I’m disabled and cannot cope with too much housework anymore. I’ve booked to have a pedicure next week and have looked online for an art class for DH and am encouraging him to go. Please don’t forget we NEED space when caring and living 24/7 for someone with V.Dementia. I’ve gone to the doctors (alone) and told her I’m having trouble coping with him (and his moods and nighttime hallucinations) he’s now on melatonin tablets for nighttime, they were a miracle tablet for DH but obviously will stop working one day but he was keeping me awake and I definitely can’t cope on little sleep. The Doctor got in touch with Carers association and I’ve had a bit of support from them. There is support out there if you want it. Can your DGC or son or daughter not stay with your DS for a few hours so you can get your hair done? I often go and upstairs and lay down for a couple of hours in the afternoon and read so that I can be alone while DH watches TV downstairs. I feel like I’m living with someone I don’t know and wouldn’t of married if I’d met him nowadays. We’ve got nothing in common and it’s a lonely frustrating scary life. I’ve told (not asked) my DS that he’s his father and occasionally he needs to take his father out for 9 holes of golf (even though my husband has no idea where he’s hitting the balls now apparently), plus my DGS takes my DH to the cinema (even though he can’t keep up with films now) or out for a burger in town, but they know I need time alone sometimes ! Maybe your DGC could help like that? I’m resigning myself that when he gets really bad I will look into sending him to day centre and when I can’t cope I will put him into a home . Sounds awful but I’m having to be a bit harder as my mother in law almost killed herself looking after my father in law with dementia, he wouldn’t let her get any help whatsoever, she couldn’t even go to the Doctors and he got violent with her so I had to get him sectioned. My DH felt sorry etc for his DM at the time, but obviously with his own V. Dementia he’s gradually going down the same route and I’m determined I’m not going to become like his own mother did! Please get help, it is out there I’ve found if you shout loud. If you’re dog brings you comfort, keep it as it’s a good excuse to get out for a walk and blow of some steam for you. As for your DGC tell them you NEED help, I found my son actually didn’t realise how bad his dad had got because as you know if there’s visitors and it’s a good day they don’t seem very bad, the children aren’t around all the time to see what we’re putting up with. Look after you too.

Sorry but you and your DH come first.
Grandchildren should be visiting with parent/s not being left for you to care for - who is caring for you?
Grandchildren must have other relatives or maybe nursery/Childminder/Nanny needed by their parents!
Does DGS help out at your house where he lives? If not he should be.
Get window cleaner if money allows.
Can you claim any benefits to be carer for DH? Then pay a cleaner.
Can local authority / social services help with taking DH to day centre lance a week and pick up and drop him back ?
Can you explore respite care for DH - a weekend or week to give you a break?
Can your Gp help / advise you?
You need support or you will be poorly !
Look after yourself…sending Love xxx

Oh farview. I’m the same age as you and I was in tears last night because I feel I can no longer cope with maintaining my house and occasionally looking after my grandchildren. I don’t know how you can possibly cope with so much

You need to chat this over with family and get some help and support from them, too much to deal with that and grandchildren maybe

Have you been advised to claim attendance allowance for your husband. According to the Government web site, if he has reached State Pension age. need care or supervision because he has an illness or disability. has needed care or supervision for at least 6 months because of his illness or disability he could be eligible for this allowance. Age UK or CAB advisers would help you to fill in the form.
Has he had an assessment by Adult Services? There may be support available that you don't yet know about. In other words - leave no stone unturned.

Sorry, I haven't time to read all the posts but some have given good advice. I think you should get a Carer's Assessment done by Adult Social Services who can help you adjust to your new normal and they will look at YOUR needs. They are excellent at talking to people with Dementia so you might find that they can make your husband see sense rather than you having to fight the fight and they won't insist on anything as they are not like children's Social Services.
As for things like pointing, etc., point out to your husband that if you are trying to achieve the unachievable you will get ill and he'll end up paying more for care than getting a bit of work done on the house.

Don’t apologise for your confusion and misery ….my husband had full-on stroke at 50…..I had to look after him ( alone) and work a30 hour week ( to keep the house) .
Then about 5 years ago he started with vascular dementia and 3 years ago Alzheimers kicked in with possible Lewy Bodies….I had my third stroke 18 months ago and my daughter said ‘enough is enough’ and my husband is now in care full time. I’ve been nursing/doctoring him for 25 years!
The house is empty and I have my life back….what’s left of it …I’m 72!
My health has spiralled downwards since I’ve stopped the ‘caring’ and the overload has finially caught up with me.
Time for someone to tell you “ enoughs , enough”

I;m so sorry to hear this. My mother had vascular dementia so I know what it's like. I would say you MUST arrange a family conference and tell everyone how you are feeling, and ask for help. You can't keep running on empty that's for sure! Wishing you all the best x