Inadvertently upsetting someone

If I accidentally irritated or upset someone working in a restaurant, I'd apologise and leave a bigger tip than usual.

My late brother in law loved to instigate conversations with anyone who crossed his path and was always on the look out socially for someone to open a conversation with. I’m afraid after the opening “Where are you from?”, it quickly turned into an actual interrogation (he was a lawyer) which wasn’t appreciated by everyone..
His partner certainly didn’t enjoy these in depth probings.

Maybe the waitress had suffered similarly and could have been having a bad day?

Very interesting Biglouis and Witzend.1 have just finished reading The Thread by Victoria Hislop which is set in Thessaloniki and portrays very well the background for this anti German feeling. Sorry I have gone off thread a bit.

TBH, BigLouis, having seen the memorial in a Cretan village to all the local men - every single male villager - aged from about 17 to 80 - who were shot en masse by the Germans, I do wonder how any German is brave enough to visit Crete.
There was still a very sad and sombre atmosphere there.

All very interesting replies and much food for thought. Thank you ☺️

Dickens puts it exactly.
it is a power imbalance.
the woman is at work, carrying out a role, that involves serving customers.
she has to be polite, so has to tolerate some irrelevant comments.
but where is the line.
i don't think she was rude in this scenario.
it's not like at a party or meeting where everyone is in the same category, and can turn on their heel, or be dismissive of impertinent comments if they wish.
when i was working i needed the cooperation of a person who was also in public service.
it was a simple matter, i and a colleague visited her at her workplace and she completed the paperwork.
before she had signed it, she made a remark based on a racist assumption re one of our surnames.
i was taken aback by a professional educated person, a dentist working for the RAF, making such a comment about another public servant.
but i didn't feel i could say anything, as we were focussed on the investigation.
her statement was a small part in a chain re continuity of evidence.
she had no objection to "helping us with our enquiries"; as often occurred, she found it a welcome change to her usual workday.
the comment showed her underlying racism, and probably would have been made in any context.
but from our point of view, we didn't feel we could challenge it.
we concentrated on remaining professional.
and i still remember it decades later, and feel i should have said something.

we were told there was no bread left and no one would serve us. When we told our host about this he found out that because our children were very blond they thought we were German and anti German feeling was very strong even then . If only they had asked where we were from

My friend and I had an experience like this many years ago (1970s) when on holiday in Crete. We went around with a German guy who spoke excellent English. When we realised the extent of the anti German feeling still held by many of the locals he spent the entire holiday pretending to be English. People heard us speaking in English and just assumed that all three of us were UK tourists.

When we were going abroad we were always being asked where we came from. We assumed it was friendly interest.

Yes she was rude,saved leaving her a tip though.

The problem with the question, "where are you from" - is the context.

Asking a complete stranger (the waitress) after only a few minutes of general chit-chat is not the same as meeting someone at a (say) function / party and spending some time in conversation with them because you both hit it off, and then, later, when you've both shown an interest in each other, asking them where they are from.

In the first instance, it does seem rather an intrusive question - because you are asking someone to give you information about their private life.

But perhaps not so much in the second example; when talking with someone for a length of time, it's often the case that you voluntarily give snippets of information about yourself as you 'gel' with the other person. So the question could follow naturally, as it were.

I'm sure the OP's OH didn't intend offence, but it is rather thoughtless. You can't but help notice foreign accents (or any accents) but challenging a complete stranger with that question is rather personal. I doubt a waitress would ask the same question of a customer in a formal setting like a restaurant.

Just to put the other side....a lady I swim with is Romanian. She works in a hotel, on reception, and the amount of smart Alecs who ask her if she's Polish , then nod sagely, saying 'well it had to be one of them, didn't it' when she politely replies, is bewildering.
Apparently anyone in the service industry is Polish/Romanian/Bulgarian.
She says she feels 'put in her place'. I think it's rude.

I would just reply, sorry I didn’t realise you would be offended saying where you are from. Move on and don’t tip. Don’t go there again. In fast I would have left.

silverlining48

As for chatty husbands i don’t think mine has ever instigated a conversation with anyone in all the years I have known him .

Mine's always doing it. Especially with females of the species. He just likes the company of women...in a friendly way.

We will All need permission to breathe soon.

Exactly! Nosy questions are not small talk

If i find a question intrusive, i dont answer with a smile and sweet voice and ask the same question to that person

Plenty of times, they tell me, offended"why do you want to know?"

I smile and I excuse myself. I made my point.

If it's too rude for them, it is rude to ask anybody, period.

Ok so living in France I get the question often. Identifying my nationality is often not enough the person will continue with questions. Here's the thing, I don't want to explain why I'm here, am I married to a french person, where do my children live and on and on. It's intrusive, nosey ,inpolite, do I ask the asker similar things, no.

There is always someone who will take exception to anything. If you find you have inadvertently trodden on someone's toes, do not bother to consider the issue, just apologise and move on.

Lfe is too short to give any time to the trivia people can find to take exception to.

I think she was rude.

There might be some good and laudable reason why his question offended her but getting very cross with customers is inappropriate.

I don't tip rude people either.

I don't think he was nosy, just interested and wondering had he guessed right. But I wouldn't give it another thought.

Aveline

Leaving a tip is entirely optional. It's not rude in the UK to not tip. Waiting staff are paid and don't have to rely on tips as in America.

Agreed, but I agree with the friend I think he was nosy.

I wouldn’t have liked to be asked where I was from and then have the question answered. I’m Irish and don’t like people assuming I’m Scottish because I live here. We don’t know why the OP didn’t leave a tip, perhaps the service was bad overall?

Leaving a tip is entirely optional. It's not rude in the UK to not tip. Waiting staff are paid and don't have to rely on tips as in America.

It's very easy to inadvertently upset people. People are always taking photos of the canal at the back of our house - boats, wildlife etc. 🦆 I've done it myself. Last week the sun was shining through the trees onto
the water and a boat was meandering by. I took a snap and a scary man appeared on the boat and shouted aggressively 'Why are you taking photos of me?' Very frightening.

Another factor to consider is that being an waitress is a usually busy job and seen unprofessional if you talk too long to a table if it is not related to the meal.

Asking where are you from is not always polite, depends on the context.

Unless you are friends or acquientances, just dont do it.
Being nosey doesnt get you anywhere

The husband's profession has nothing to do with this

Dh assuming she is Romanian is even worse

No leaving tip is unmentionably rude and unjustified.

Team waitress all the way.
She is the victim of dh's rudeness and the offender becomes the offended.

This example justifies the bad reputation British people has towards foreigners, sadly.