Funerals and number of Attendees

DH died last year. He didn't want an "open to all" type funeral. Notice in local paper only gave details of death but no funeral details and indicated those wishing to attend had to contact family. Only those who knew him had those details and some who didn't know made efforts to make contact and were invited to service and reception. Had a lovely ceremony in a local funeral director's beautiful room, accommodating up to 40. Reception in a hotel with significsnce to DH and family. Transfer for cremation at 8 am next morning. Definitely what I want. Can't understand why people know of a person but have never even met them feel the need to attend a funeral.

Since I turned 65 this year I think about it often more so than is healthy really.
I moved from my home town a hundred miles away a couple of years ago, and due to mobility problems I don’t get out much so haven’t made any friends here.
I have a very small immediate family so wouldn’t want the embarrassment of hardly anyone being there so I have decided to have one of those personal cremations

* have, *totally
Pity we can't correct what we've just written 😫

I gave attended 2 funerals recently, both family members, one tiredly unexpected and the the other, Friday just gone, mot unexpected.
I have made no arrangements for my own funeral, although there will be funds to cover it. I agree with those who say that the funeral is for those left behind; a time to gather together, grieve certainly but also celebrate the life of the deceased and share memories. The old fashioned format of a service ( religious or not) followed by a wake seems well suited to this.

I don't understand this no funeral fashion. Why don't you want a funeral?

As has been said it's for those left behind ti help them through their grief.
I was a child when my DF died in an accident very far from home. He was buried there and I didn't have the chance to visit his grave until I was nearly 60.

When my DH died it was the Lockdown so we were allowed only 20 people and in the end only 15 came. No singing allowed. It was streamed at least. I get pangs of funeral envy when I attend funerals now. There were 2 last week..

When DMiL died recently she had left written instructions which we kept to, mostly.
She didn't want a eulogy but she chose the hymns. She said we were not to be mean with the food or booze at the gathering afterwards. We weren't!

As I am 93 this is a subject close to my dicky 'eart!
I have suggested a Direct Cremation but my Offspring don't want that as they remember their Dad's cremation and get-together. The latter did not have a religious service though we said the Lord's Prayer and there was a Celtic Blessing. It had all his favourite music and afterwards so many people said they wouldn't have missed the service for all the world. This made me laugh and would have made my husband laugh too but I know exactly what they meant. I have listed people to contact, music I like, passwords to all my PC accounts (VERY IMPORTANT), and even what I'd like done with my (considerable) wardrobe. All my subscriptions with Direct Debits are there and any info that I think they might need. They also know where to find all this information.TIP : Please keep details in a clearly-labelled FILE to cut down any problems family might have. Don't have to mention a WILL, do I!

It must depend on how old you are when you die, mustn’t it? My grandmother died at 99 yrs 10 mths and there were 5 people at her funeral - all her friends had already died.

Well i will give it a thought later, but i already have made a will, and got insurance, but its all depressing today so am going to do something cheerier.sorry.😐

foxie48 that is exactly what our AC said.

I do have a little bit of a problem, more of conscience than anything. I want to be cremated but DH wants to be buried. One thing we agree on is no church service as we have friends that either are too old to attend or not well so it would be just our son and daughter with one granddaughter. If DH goes first he would be buried. If I am left when I die I want my ashes scattered but he says we should be together in a grave!! If he's not here should I do what I want? Hope that all makes sense!

I've planned my funeral, hymns, music etc themes that have been important to me. If I go unexpectedly, I don't want my family worrying about what I'd have wanted. To me it's just being considerate. We're going to a very small funeral on Friday and the husband is so distressed that he doesn't think he can face it. How much less stressful to be given a plan, however rough, to help you get through the awfulness of planning a funeral when you are grief stricken.

Larsonsmum.thats ok so far as what you want doing, but if he doesnt ring or whatever telling people it could be embarressing or upsetting for him if he bumps into them and they ask after you, as folk do.Also, have you asked him how he feels about all this? Or if he may be comforted by any kind of service or memorial etc?

What an odd question Joseann? I shouldnt think its because of that at all.

It is so interesting to read everyone's different views on here.
I lost both my parents during lockdown, and their funerals were not at all what I would have hoped for, just 4 of us in a huge crematorium chapel.
I couldn't wait to honour them both in our local parish church, with flowers, their favourite hymns and music, and my brother and I took great care to summarise their long lives well lived in the service of others with humour and kindness. No, we don't have a large family but I like to think that we did our absolute best for them at the end. As someone said, it is for the family, and it was a great comfort for us. My cousins and children came, and a few friends.
What I learnt was that it is difficult to plan when you don't leave any clues - I knew exactly what my father wanted as he had left instructions (typical!!), but had to plan for my mother myself.
The culmination of scattering ashes in the place mapped out by my father brought the whole family together, and my cousins and I have become very close, which is what the older generation would have wished. And it is a comfort to me to look out across our churchyard and look at their headstones, knowing that they are still close by.

I have made all the arrangements to leave my body for medical research. My husband knows my wishes - I want no funeral, memorial service or gathering of any kind, and want no notification of my death placed anywhere at all. I have also requested that he does not ring round telling people of my passing.

I think planning your own funeral is quite selfish. It should be for the people who are left behind to do what they feel happy with. All my family know I hate funerals and begrudge the wasted money spent on them but if they decide they need to do one for me that’s up to them. I know one of my sons feels quite strongly that funerals are a fitting way of saying goodbye to someone so I suppose he’d want one for me. I have told him that I’d be annoyed with him if he spent lots of money on I though!

I will be having a closed funeral with immediate family only and no wake

We recently buried my FIL and he did not have a funeral. He was cremated and we had a family meal to remember him

I’m much the same as you,Judy54.

When I’m feeling playful I think a buisiness called Rent A Crowd could be useful!

The last funeral I attended was back in the late 90s and it ended in an allmighty row with my walking out of the house. Liverpool funerals are infamous for that. They often end in a drunken punch up!

The next one I attend will be my own.

I signed up with Direct Cremations a few years ago. I am not religious and for me a funeral is just a vulgar show for the world.

Mourning is done in the heart and the memory, and not in the garments.

I don't want a funeral. I have signed the forms to donate my body to a teaching school of medical science. If when the time comes my body is not required, my husband has been strictly instructed that I am to be cremated with nobody other than himself and another person of his choice present should he want to attend. I've asked in that instance to be used as fertiliser for the roses in the crematorium grounds should that happen

When my DH died at 83 there were over 200 people at his funeral. It was a beautiful service, with readings by his grandchildren and gorgeous music and flowers. We had a really good wake afterwards with a marquee on the lawn decorated with wonderful blown up photos of him. We drank lovely wine and had delicious canapes and everyone had a story to tell about him. Obviously not for him, but for his family and friends to raise a glass to him and remember him - it was very poignant but also cathartic. My aunt wo went at 101 had very few people at her funeral as she had outlived all her friends and two of her children.

This is a problem for me - not for my own demise but that of my older sister who has severe dementia. She has no remaining friends and her only family consists of my husband, my son and his wife and me. I can't see the point of a religious service as none of us are churchgoers, but my husband and son are insistent that we should ask the local Catholic priest to "do something" as she was a practising Catholic and she would have liked it. I'd love to know what other people think.

My own (rural) family who were also a pretty long way from the crematorium did this:

We had the service in the local church.
We then (all) drove over to the area of the crematorium.
The reception was at a hotel near the crematorium.
Family went straight to the crematorium and the other "guests" went to either the crematorium or the buffet at the hotel as they chose.
We (family) "caught up" the hotel group within 40 mins or so and I don't think anyone just went home.

This may work for some others.

The last five funerals I have been to had the burial first then the service without a coffin. But the service was one of Thanksgiving and remembering rather than mourning. It has worked well as it allows the family to have private time.

rubysong

You describe exactly how it can be where I live. Unless you have the crem service first, the people who have attended a church service just end up going home, if the close family then travel to the crem before the wake. But it does seem a bit odd without the coffin.

Probably much less stressful for the immediate family though. The actual ‘goodbye’ has happened, and everyone can just relax a bit and engage more with the friends who have come to show respect and remember.