Hen/Stag dos

Wedding in 1970. DH went out with friends the week before for many drinks!
Don’t think hen do was invented. My friend’s lovely mum organised a lovely tea party for me. So kind and such fun.

Callistemon21

^OH went for a pint in the local pub with his best man the night before our wedding, that was it^

My DH went for a pint at the pub with his 'best' man, well it was probably more than one as he was a bit shaky on our wedding day!

Yes, the stag do used to be on the “last night of freedom”, didn’t it? I think this had just changed when we got married and DH had his night out the week before, Thank goodness.

On the one photo taken after my mam and dad’s wedding, my dad and his best man are very obviously leaning against each other on the town hall steps.

TerriBull

My comments pertain to testaments I have heard from members' of the younger generation occasionally first hand and generally from those aired on MN.

I think problems arise when possibly the person or persons doing the inviting, don't understand, or don't want to understand the constraints of other people's budgets and really no one has the right to expect anyone to stump up for an event that may well put a strain on someone else's financial situation which could be precarious anyway, and that seems to be part of the problem "the expectation" that others will rearrange their day to day life to slot in an event that possibly isn't in any way important to them, depending on the relationship with the host/es, or certainly that is how it is presented when such grievances are aired. My feeling is that invitations should be issued with some sort of caveat, maybe couched in such a way "of course I'd like you to come, but understand if that is not possible, then be assured it wont affect our friendship" From what I've read, some recipients who turn down invitations where the costs are beyond their means end up "cancelled" which would make me question whether the friendship was worth a light.

Most of us posting on this site, remember a time when such occasions didn't exist, so possibly we come with our preconceived ideas of money being wasted on a glorified extended party, when in fact it would be better used for something tangible such as bricks and mortar. That would be me I have to say. Ultimately I'm of the opinion that all the expense of not only these events that pre- empt a costly wedding, but the main event itself, have nothing to do with making a commitment to a future life with one's intended. That is just my personal point of view though.

That is just my personal point of view though.

And a very sensible one.

As you say, the expectation that someone can stump up both money and time to fit in an event that is, in some cases, just glorified 'partying' is both unreasonable and self-centred on the part of the bride-to-be or her henchmen organisers.

Of course it's lovely to 'bond' with your friends before you settle down to a new life, but it has to be done with grace and the recognition that others are tied up both financially and commitment-wise with their own lives and families.

Also, societal mores have changed so much now that marriage is not what it used to be. Couples set up home and have children often long before they decide to get married, which puts a completely different perspective on the whole institution. Not to mention the fact that separation and divorce are far more common.

No-one should feel guilty, or be made to feel guilty about not attending these events. As has been said frequently, it's an invite, not a summons.

My hen do was 6 of us at the pub drinking either BabyCham, CherryB or shandy and doing lots of laughing.

I went to one DD’s hen night in Canal Street in Manchester. First and last time I’ve worn a tiara and fairy wings. My one consolation was that no one where I live and work saw me.
DGD is currently sighing that she can’t afford one because they’re saving up.

And then followed a long and happy marriage Iam.
I didn’t have a hen night, I thought it a waste of money because I didn’t have much money when we got married and everything we had went into our tiny, two up, two down, terraced cottage. Mr M didn’t have a stag night either for the same reason.
Our daughter had a hen party arranged by her bridesmaids. We had a cottage in the Cotswolds for two nights and we all took bags of food/drinks with us. We went out for a meal and then to a club one night, where I looked after the handbags!
My son went out with his friends one night if I remember rightly, and I went with my soon to be daughter in law to her mother’s home in Devon, and we all went out out for a meal and her mum paid. That is, all her sisters (three of them) and her own daughter, and some of the older nieces, myself, and my daughter, and of course, her mum. My daughter in law’s mother kindly accommodated myself and my daughter overnight at her home.
I think my other son also went out to the pub with some friends before his wedding.
Everything, even my daughter’s, was pretty low key.
I agree many people want to do this nowadays, but many are too big, too flamboyant, and too costly. Going abroad is totally over the top in my opinion.

OH went for a pint in the local pub with his best man the night before our wedding, that was it

My DH went for a pint at the pub with his 'best' man, well it was probably more than one as he was a bit shaky on our wedding day!

I didn't have a 'hen do', OH went for a pint in the local pub with his best man the night before our wedding, that was it.

DD had an evening out - we went to the pantomime and a meal, DiL had a spa day with her Mum and DS.

Very few of our friends or theirs have had expensive pre-wedding celebrations.

Sometimes I meet 'hen parties' on the trains as I travel around. 'Fraid the thought of dressing in pink and squealing a lot really doesn't appeal at all.
On the other hand, we keep being told that 'hospitality' needs all the help it can get, so I guess there are always two sides to the story.

My comments pertain to testaments I have heard from members' of the younger generation occasionally first hand and generally from those aired on MN.

I think problems arise when possibly the person or persons doing the inviting, don't understand, or don't want to understand the constraints of other people's budgets and really no one has the right to expect anyone to stump up for an event that may well put a strain on someone else's financial situation which could be precarious anyway, and that seems to be part of the problem "the expectation" that others will rearrange their day to day life to slot in an event that possibly isn't in any way important to them, depending on the relationship with the host/es, or certainly that is how it is presented when such grievances are aired. My feeling is that invitations should be issued with some sort of caveat, maybe couched in such a way "of course I'd like you to come, but understand if that is not possible, then be assured it wont affect our friendship" From what I've read, some recipients who turn down invitations where the costs are beyond their means end up "cancelled" which would make me question whether the friendship was worth a light.

Most of us posting on this site, remember a time when such occasions didn't exist, so possibly we come with our preconceived ideas of money being wasted on a glorified extended party, when in fact it would be better used for something tangible such as bricks and mortar. That would be me I have to say. Ultimately I'm of the opinion that all the expense of not only these events that pre- empt a costly wedding, but the main event itself, have nothing to do with making a commitment to a future life with one's intended. That is just my personal point of view though.

I didn’t have a hen party before both my marriages it just wasn’t of interest to me at the time. My DS and DD didn’t either they don’t drink alcohol so it wasn’t a priority to them.

My DD only ever goes to a pub occasionally for lunch with me when we visit. My DS never goes on a celebration night out when invited he does not like the atmosphere of crowds drinking etc.

Each to their own I know people who have gone abroad for stag and hen parties. Then they have had extremely expensive weddings that have barely lasted a few years. I am cynical and beginning to think the parties are just a show for other people.

I married in 1973. I never had a hen night. Never had an engagement party either come to think of it.
A friend, who married in 1970, invited me out for a Chinese meal along with another mutual friend a week before her wedding. I think that was the closest I ever got to attending a hen do.
I don't think such events were much in evidence in my part of darkest Worcestershire back in those days.

Joseann

DD2 organises an activities package for hens and I think she enjoys it as much as the girls do. It's all about bonding (and getting to know the main friends before the day), and not a drop of alcohol is involved.
Going abroad to drink and party wouldn't be my choice.

Exactly this Joseann. I think most people on this thread are commenting on the (maybe 5%?) of hen dos that are OTT, not the 90% that involve a fun weekend away in a nice place in the UK with friends and family. It’s not a competition to see who can have the most lavish hen do, in my world anyway.

TerriBull

This subject often comes up on MN, where inevitably the demographic is younger and they are more likely to attend such events. Nearly as good as parking wars, are some of the threads. There is often a consensus amongst those who post, that they are too extravagant, too costly, too onerous as far as the disruption they cause to working life/family life, especially where young children are involved and the juggling of child care etc. There was one particular thread that was breathtaking, where the summons was issued by the mother of the bride to the bride's friends, it went something along these lines "X is having her hen do something like 18 months hence, so you've no ifs, no buts, start saving now, the cost was going to be", if I remember rightly, something in the region of well over £1,000, maybe £1,500 for a week in Europe. So the "AIBU" was written by the not too happy invitee, who was weighing up the cost, how the week away would impact on her annual leave, slotting it into family life and whether that would mean they, the family could still all go away, all in all it sounded a logistics nightmare. It was pretty clear from the start that she wasn't on board with the idea. However things came to a head with the imperious mother,bridezilla & Co, when she couldn't be part of a Zoom meeting, she had the temerity of having to work due to a change a shift, (a nurse I believe) and got a severe reprimand for not being in on planning some of this crap involved the arrangements which kind of gave her the impetus to tell them she was out. She was dis-invited from the wedding, as was her husband/partner and he also had his invite from the corresponding stag party cancelled, lucky escape there, how much would the two events and the wedding cost them both, quite a sum I would imagine. So that scenario I gather is quite common and as some have said when they get invited to several of these events a year the whole cost is way too much. I remember having such a conversation with the daughter of my friend when we were all out too lunch, and she was saying pretty much the same thing, had been invited to a "hen" which was a week away, didn't really want to go, hardly knew any of the other women, and that's another factor some say, "I only really know the bride, none of the others, or I don't really get on with others that will be going". All in all, I feel lucky that this wasn't a thing at the time I and friends got married, maybe we'd have all gone out for a meal pre wedding, what's wrong with that? I'm sure some still do something more modest.

Personally I hate it when either stags or hens go abroad, it's bad enough at home, and behave really badly.

Anyway, to conclude, many of these happenings sound way over the top to me and a massive expense on top of the main event which as we know can cost a King's ransom anyway

If I was commanded by Mrs Bridezilla to start saving in the region of a thousand pounds plus in order to attend her daughter's hen week, I'd be 'unfriending' both daughter and mother in short order.

Hen weekends (or a week!), lavish weddings, baby-showers, gender reveal parties - you only need a couple of friends into all this to find yourself well out of pocket - money that could be spent on your own family's needs, disregarding the fact that time out if you are working eats into your annual leave allotment.

I have a rather quaint and outdated attitude towards marriage and intimate relationships - they are mostly IMO private affairs. Making a commitment towards your partner in front of family and close friends, on the day... that's it as far as I am concerned. The rest is razzmatazz. Expensive razzmatazz.

My daughters are in their late 30’s. They’ve been to 3 abroad hen do’s this year. They’re part of a large friendship group dating back to primary or high school. It’s unusual for the do not to involve the hens leaving their children home with the daddies and enjoying a great break away.
Then, the wedding arrives, often in a fantastic place in Italy or similar.
The expense is beyond my understanding but, these are good friends, all working hard and it’s become A Thing. Fashions change and possibly the next generation will go minimalist.
We went together to the local the night before our wedding. Married at the registry office and then had a party at our house.
The following day, we drove to the east coast for a week. Happy days.

I didn’t have one (1974) - TBH it didn’t even occur to me. Dh didn’t have a stag, either. We had a cracking wedding, though!

Judging from the number of posts about them on MN, so many people find the 3-4 day bashes, especially abroad, far too expensive, and then worry themselves sick about having to say no thanks, can’t afford it, and having the bride to be getting all huffy with them.

Though TBH even if they do have the money, without putting it on a cc, many people will have better uses for that cash, especially if (as so often now) they’re trying to save a deposit for a house.

It must be 20 years ago now, but a DD’s then boyfriend of maybe 23 said no thanks to a 4 day stag do in Boston - even then it was going to cost £500+. He wasn’t too proud to say he couldn’t afford it - and for that I did admire him.

DD2 organises an activities package for hens and I think she enjoys it as much as the girls do. It's all about bonding (and getting to know the main friends before the day), and not a drop of alcohol is involved.
Going abroad to drink and party wouldn't be my choice.

I had one in the late 70’s.
It was drinks in town (no cocktail bars then)
and around 10 pm we all piled into the one (and only) nightclub for miles around.
No meal, and we did not dress up like bees or fairies (as is sometimes the case now).
I don’t know what the cost was but it was minimal.
A good night was had by all.
I do think for some it has gone too far.
Maybe another opportunity to post on Instagram and say “look at me ?” Or maybe I am just out of touch with the young ones.

Just how many people have these OTT hen/stag dos? I know in number terms it is quite high because so many cities make good business from them, but as a proportion of all weddings, it strikes me as being relatively small.

DS did not have a big stag do, just a few drinks with a couple of friends and I have very little memory of him ever having gone on a 'classic' stag do. DD is not married, so she has never had one and, again, I am not aware of her ever going on one either.

It is not something they wouldn't have told me about because I have been know all about their wild nights out, quite unassociated with weddings, so who is it, exactly that are having thiese wild hen/stag nights?

With the younger generation being far more abstemious than their elders, there was an article in the papers yesterday, about the huge growth of non-alcoholic beer wine and spirits market, will the fashion for these events die out?

I had a hen do with close friends at Stringfellows night club in London.

My sister had one in London and one abroad. Two AS’s had weekends away, one in Berlin one in Brighton.

Quite tame compared to some, but good fun.

Recent "family" stag do. 5 days in a villa in (?) Ibiza with a fine-dining day/night on a private yacht, spa day, paragliding, nightclub etc.

The groom paid for all the activities. It seemed unnecessary to me but subsequently I've spoken to several attendees and they all say what an amazing experience it was!

Male bonding? Who knows.

My daughter has been invited to a wedding in the Caribbean.There are two stag dos one abroad and one local also two hen dos.Oh and a local wedding party once they are home.

This has all been booked and takes place within the next year.Even if people wanted to attend all the events how they expect young families with children to afford to I don’t know.Also cannot imagine it is what a lot of people will want to spend literally thousands of pounds on during a cost of living crisis.

This subject often comes up on MN, where inevitably the demographic is younger and they are more likely to attend such events. Nearly as good as parking wars, are some of the threads. There is often a consensus amongst those who post, that they are too extravagant, too costly, too onerous as far as the disruption they cause to working life/family life, especially where young children are involved and the juggling of child care etc. There was one particular thread that was breathtaking, where the summons was issued by the mother of the bride to the bride's friends, it went something along these lines "X is having her hen do something like 18 months hence, so you've no ifs, no buts, start saving now, the cost was going to be", if I remember rightly, something in the region of well over £1,000, maybe £1,500 for a week in Europe. So the "AIBU" was written by the not too happy invitee, who was weighing up the cost, how the week away would impact on her annual leave, slotting it into family life and whether that would mean they, the family could still all go away, all in all it sounded a logistics nightmare. It was pretty clear from the start that she wasn't on board with the idea. However things came to a head with the imperious mother,bridezilla & Co, when she couldn't be part of a Zoom meeting, she had the temerity of having to work due to a change a shift, (a nurse I believe) and got a severe reprimand for not being in on planning some of this crap involved the arrangements which kind of gave her the impetus to tell them she was out. She was dis-invited from the wedding, as was her husband/partner and he also had his invite from the corresponding stag party cancelled, lucky escape there, how much would the two events and the wedding cost them both, quite a sum I would imagine. So that scenario I gather is quite common and as some have said when they get invited to several of these events a year the whole cost is way too much. I remember having such a conversation with the daughter of my friend when we were all out too lunch, and she was saying pretty much the same thing, had been invited to a "hen" which was a week away, didn't really want to go, hardly knew any of the other women, and that's another factor some say, "I only really know the bride, none of the others, or I don't really get on with others that will be going". All in all, I feel lucky that this wasn't a thing at the time I and friends got married, maybe we'd have all gone out for a meal pre wedding, what's wrong with that? I'm sure some still do something more modest.

Personally I hate it when either stags or hens go abroad, it's bad enough at home, and behave really badly.

Anyway, to conclude, many of these happenings sound way over the top to me and a massive expense on top of the main event which as we know can cost a King's ransom anyway

I don’t think most brides do have massively expensive hen dos, it’s just that the ones that are visible to outsiders are the more raucous ones where they go abroad, dress up and take loads of selfies. All those I’ve been to in the last few years have been great fun, but more sedate than that, activity based rather than clubbing. The bride doesn’t pay for herself as it’s a treat for her, so her family and friends have clubbed together.

I don’t understand how or why younger people people pay for such extravagant and expensive hen nights when we’re constantly told that they have no money and can’t afford to buy houses because the selfish boomers got everything so cheaply.
Perhaps it was because the selfish boomers didn’t have any hen nights at all as they couldn’t afford them. Well I didn’t anyway, I had no money to pay for one.

No expense was spared for my hen do 46 years ago. Starting with an hour with a few friends, all of us feeling very sophisticated in the new-fangled wine bar that had just opened in the next town, then a taxi (yes, an actual taxi, very possibly my first ever!) back to my own town where we danced the night away in our local disco, with its cheap drinks and sticky carpet. We ate chicken in a basket and had a great time.

DD1 also just had a night out in town, as did DDIL, DD2 a weekend in a cottage in the country.

Friend’s daughter had a hen do in Switzerland earlier this year, will be having another one next year in Barcelona 2 months before the wedding which is in Italy. She’s thinking she might have one here as well for those that can’t get to Barcelona! I know you can say no but if you are a bridesmaid you are expected to go and also contribute to the hen’s costs. Then there are the t-shirts or other outfits for the obligatory ‘theme’ and the bits and pieces for the games, the bottomless brunch etc. Not sure if it’s a privilege to be invited or not. Think it can cause a lot of resentment. Just have a look over on MN.