Anyone relocated back?

I think as others have said your negative views are all connected with your family disappointment You had nurtured the idea of an 80 s style town/country waiting for you and a son who would be there to support you in your old age, and that hasn’t happened as he has his own life firmly established

Because this has thrown you and not turned out as you had imagined, everything now has a negative hue to it and you are seeing the country through very ‘grey’ eyes looking for the bad and missing the good
Your negativity is probably misplaced but is very, very real

You came back to your roots to get support and help that you didn’t trust your newer country to give you and it will take time

Now the only way forward is to
A) return to the country of your dreams
B) dig in and make your new life work for you two, looking for some good instead of bad, doing some volunteering ( if you’re of the age) joining some groups, looking at the beauty around you seeing the good teenagers around, don’t dwell on all the negatives in life
NO country is a utopia
Remember
Your country of choice couldn’t have been perfect or you wouldn’t have moved away from it

When I came back to live in England I joined a large choir and it turned out to be the best thing I could possibly have done to re-integrate myself.

A few days ago, on a day out down the coast, we decided to visit our former home which we sold nearly forty years ago and had never revisited.
I was so disappointed, it wasn't how I remembered it. I would have hated to live there now. I suspect we forget the negatives.

Nothing stays the same and after forty years away, you cannot expect things to be the same, as when you left. Nowhere is perfect!
Rose tinted spectacles and all that.

On the last thread nearly a year ago I said this in reply to another Gransnetter:

I would think the biggest obstacle to this was Covid restrictions where clubs and societies perhaps only met by Zoom and it would be impossible to join in and get to know people. Likewise going out and visiting the lovely areas the UK has to offer.

I hope they'll be able to do that now and things will improve for them.

Now restrictions have lifted I hope you can go out and get to meet people, CountessFosco

I think CountessFosco has posted previously about this and I'm sorry things have not improved.

However, it is good to try to make an effort to get out and meet people as I am surprised you find this country less friendly than others as generally it is a friendly country, although cities might be more impersonal.

New friends won't seek you out, you have to go out and find them.
Volunteering is goo but you ould try U3A together, or other groups, such a WI, TWG or Probus separately if you don't feel up to volunteering.

Whether you’re moving abroad to live, or back again to relocate to your country of origin, I think you experience both heightened awareness and culture shock in both directions. It’s a lot to contend with, more so as you get older, I think. It sounds as though you came back with family expectations too, which haven’t been fulfilled…. yet.

Give it all time. At the moment you are being bombarded with change. I hope you’ll find it’s not as bad as it all looks at first, and that it won’t be too long before you begin to feel that you belong again.

I’m perfectly certain none of those countries you have lived in over the past forty years is perfect, far from it, especially oh my goodness South Africa, where it was so dangerous, a police escort was provided every time we left our very smart hotel.
I couldn’t wait to get home from that holiday some years ago.

If you work at noticing the many good things about our country, as well as the not so good, then I’m sure you will eventually settle.
If however you concentrate on what you see as negativity, then it will be very hard for you to fit back in.

There’s a famous old story about a man who had asked a resident what the people were like in the town he had recently moved to.
“What were the folk like in the town you have moved from ?”he was asked.
“Oh they were a miserable bunch” said the man, “ Rude, unfriendly, standoffish.”
“Oh dear” was the reply. “Then, I’m afraid, those are the type of people you will encounter here”.

Caravansera, I agree with you.
There are some things which are worse, by lots that are not.
We have some way ro go, but social attitudes are measurably more liberal. It is no longer okay to make racist or anti-feminist remarks.
And most young people, in my experience, are helpful and respectful.

What a nice positive post caravansera

This is the bit that bothers me * secondly neither wanted to be left alone in a foreign country dealing with illness and then bureaucracy* so you were happy to move away from this country but not happy to spend your old age in your utopia seems pretty disingenuous to me

It’s a shame it hasn’t come up to your dreams but they do say be careful what you wish for

Everyone should speak English? I am not sure if you are complaining because people do or don’t

I take it CountessFosco hasn't moved Wales where everything official, street signs, place names, road signs are all in Welsh first.

I have lived in the same home for 40 years in a suburban village on the outskirts of a city, one that is deemed one of the least affordable in the UK when comparing house prices to average earnings. So it does not surprise me to read that population growth has been lower than in other areas in the same region. Nevertheless there has still been a substantial growth in house building over that time. We must have that to deal with general exponential population growth. The median age of the population is 40 so there are lots of young families which makes it a vibrant place to live. The population is around 180,000. 40 years ago it was 140,000.

I don’t see a marked change in people’s behaviour. Young people have always put their feet on bus and train seats. If it’s annoying, tell them to stop. Why expect someone else to do it?

Littering can be a problem but has long been. It was 1954 when The National Federation of Women’s Institutes passed a resolution to “Keep Britain Tidy” and there have been campaigns ever since:

www.keepbritaintidy.org/our-history

Local littering is a matter for local goverment. Whenever I see litter it’s usually because the council have not made sufficent provision for people to dispose of it and aren’t emptying bins often enough. Take it up with the council. Most have online reporting facilities and should resolve an issue within ten days. Our parish council organises regular volunteer litter-picking days to deal with litter that gets blown into hedgerows and around the green spaces.

People I know call me by my name. Those who don’t know me, don’t call me by my name because how would they know? I find the vast majority of people pleasant, polite and considerate.

Everyone should speak English? I am not sure if you are complaining because people do or don’t. I grew up in London in the 1950s and 1960s among a multi-cultural population so hearing different tongues is normal. I used to hear Italian, Greek, Turkish. Punjabi, Urdu, Yiddish and Caribbean English. Nowadays, it’s more likely to be Pashto, Polish, Romanian and Ukranian but these are more recent arrivals to our shores and need time to learn. I volunteer with an organisation which teaches English to Afghani and Ukranian women and children. It’s very rewarding to see and hear people making progress. With that they find the confidence to assimilate more quickly into their new communities.

My advice always is to get involved and try to make a difference however small.

I think everywhere has changed, at a very quick rate over the past 20 or so years, (unless it's all because I'm getting older and more critical).
We relocated back to London, and although the landscape had changed, it was still the diverse and vibrant place I remembered, and actually a lot lot cleaner.
This month I am residing back in France and yesterday we visited one of our favourite commercial centres which now seemed dirty with groups of youths hanging about. Even the nice pâtisseries and cafés had turned into fast food outlets with flies circling around the buns and doughnuts.
I think life evolves, as does our perspective, and we can't expect to revisit chapters as they used to be.
I hope you are able to find some comfort in your new surroundings.

GrannyRose15

I have every sympathy. I’ve never lived abroad but have recently moved back to my home town after living in a different part of the country for 40 years. I didn’t like it much when I was young but I hate it now. It’s filthy, the houses are mostly run down and many people, especially children, are disrespectful. Fortunately I have a nice house near to my grandchildren so can build myself a bubble where the problems of the city impinge as little as possible.

Why do you expect people to be "respectful" to someone who so dislikes the place they call "home"?

CountessFosco I'm really sorry to hear that you're so unhappy, but can I ask where you are now living?
I don't recognise the attitudes you're describing in my Midlands town 😕
In fact when my Dad moved here five years ago he remarked how friendly and helpful everyone he met was!

I do sympathise, CountessFosco. There’s a saying, isn’t there? Times change and we with them? We usually go through a gradual process of adapting to the inevitable changes going on around us, but if you’ve been away for half a lifetime the differences will seem to be sudden, and sometimes brutal. I must say, though, that I don’t recognise the aggressive, uncaring country you describe. Not all the changes over the last 44 years have been negative by any means. Most of us have more choice in so many areas, more opportunities, our society as a whole is, I believe, generally more tolerant of people who don’t fit the mainstream mould. There are times when we all look back and regret the things we think we’ve lost, but for most people, the past was really no utopia.

There are those who haven't been living abroad who are saying the same thing in fact.

In the early-mid 80s we began to see "supply-side" economics, cuts to public spending - and cuts in both personal and business taxation. The rise of the YUPPIE, miners' strikes, recession, the bedding-in of the service economy and the decline of heavy industry.

What has followed since is just a natural progression - individualism, liberalism, neo-liberalism and further cuts to public services - councils (so no money to mend he numerous potholes that are turning our roads into golf-courses for giants!), the NHS, the Police - with the resultant increase in crime (though it does go in 'waves') knife-crime, gang-warfare, the break-down of communities although there are now serious efforts to rebuild them, and, not-least the inevitable disparity between the haves and the have-nots.

Of course, prior to all this, we had continual (it seemed) strikes, militant (very) shop-stewards, hippy flower-power, and a culture of 'free-love' still hanging on from the 60s. The music scene was good though. To my ears, anyway.

So yes, things have changed a tad over 44 years.

CountessFosco Having been away for 44 years, quite simply the country you remember no longer exists -and again that will apply to any country, the country it was 44 years ago no longer exists.

After 44 years there is not a country in the world that would be the same as when you left it.

I think too there is a sadness around your son and family. Busy lives, yes - but you’ll have to be real in your expectations there. They will have got on with their lives for the 44y you’d ‘disappeared’. An awfully long time.

These posts are spot on.

The UK has moved on, we have not stayed in 1979 but those who have stayed here have moved on too, as has your family.

I don't know where you are but not everywhere is so unfriendly, and many countries seem to be having problems at the moment.

Can you have a party for your DH and invite new friends and neighbours so you can get to know them?

My friend had a neighbour move next door to her from Scotland.
She hated every aspect of living in England and was very vocal and disrespectful about it.
Her Children were teenagers and soon settled.
When after after some time had elapsed she got the chance to move back, I think her H took early retirement due to ill health.
By an amazing coincidence her previous house was for sale and she jumped at it.
But guess what, it wasn’t the same at all, sadly her H died very suddenly, two of her children were settled here and grandchildren were born.
She was as miserable as when she moved here.
I believe she has since moved but not far.
The grass is seldom greener.

I think time is the answer CountessFosco, it’s not a bad old country we live in and there are plus points as well as negative, as there are in all countries.
You’ve had a very stimulating past amongst different cultures and you’ve probably lost your support network of friends, so you may also feel a bit lonely.
I hope you can find something locally with pleasant people to ease you back to a more comfortable place.

A very good point Umstrongran

A different thing but one of my grandaughters has recently done a lot of travelling and sent me back some photos of amazing places a few that I lived in 55 years ago One was a paradise island and now looked extremely busy with traffic problems and in places very run down, another which was a wonderful peaceful religious area now looked like Disneyland with big, very big colourful statues
I m afraid you had unrealistic expectations and I m surprised you didn’t gradually see the changes when you visited (presuming you did visit) especially when you were living in Europe
My advice is to try looking for the good things, there are plenty, and don’t knock all the young, there’s a lot of amazing young people doing wonderful things
And I m sure all gransnetters on here will tell you what good and productive young people their grandchildren are mine definitely are

Probably very true Siope.

I think it’s a combination of things. Reverse culture shock is very real, and is more, in my experience, about how living elsewhere changes you, rather than how your ‘home’ country has changed. And then there are the changes to that country, which are unsettling, particularly when they don’t feel
as if they are improvements.

I think that for many of us who emigrate and return/move countries a lot, it ends up being true that nowhere is home any more.

I think too there is a sadness around your son and family. Busy lives, yes - but you’ll have to be real in your expectations there. They will have got on with their lives for the 44y you’d ‘disappeared’. An awfully long time.

Don't know where that odd 'gentle' came from!

I find life and people nicer during the working day. Probably because youngsters are at school/college and adults at work. The roads are quieter and shops less busy and the atmosphere is gentle pleasanter. I try to smile and chat to people as appropriate and generally receive friendly responses.
You'll get used to it all but it is a two way street.