DS and DiL "babying" 3yo GD

Farmor15

I agree with OP with regard to how dummies look in the mouths of children in photos or videos! If I were sent any I would have to delete them - I think I have a bit of a phobia. I never liked dummies and managed to avoid using them with my 5. I know they are sometimes recommended for small babies but fortunately none of my grandchildren took to them, even though parents did try them.

Yep she looks so silly with it in so many pictures. I'm sticking to the advice and not getting involved at all, but definitely afraid about her going to school in September. Although nothing I can really do about it. They're definitely not looking at doing anything until spring as they've got no holidays left...

Shelflife bedwetting can have little to do with potty training. My sister was wetting the bed until she was about 8, mainly because she has an oversensitive bladder with a short lead time between wanting to go and going, add waking enough to get out of bed and get to the bathroomaccidents are unavoidable

The sensitive bladder problem has been with her all her life, and all outings and days out are governed by her need to always be within reach of a loo.

grannyactivist

I regularly have my grandchildren to stay, sometimes for days/a week at a time. I follow instructions given by their parents, but we also happily discuss ‘variations’ in approach. My children and daughter-in-law subscribe to, “grannies house, grannies rules”, which means that there are certain behaviours that the grandchildren know will/will not not be tolerated here and which their parents support.

I’m sometimes rather bemused that grandparents feel they are not permitted to express their views, experiences, or opinions about child rearing. My relationships with my children and daughter-in-law can easily withstand such discussions as they are rooted in mutual respect. I think it’s rather sad that so many grandparents have to bite their lips rather than have the freedom to engage in respectful discussion.

I agree with this sentiment. It’s especially true if granny is taking on the role of carer as I have with my two eldest grandsons. You simply can’t have your whole time micromanaged by parents if you have sole charge of the DGC for any length of time. Fortunately I have a very good relationship with my DD and DSIL. Often have to tread on eggshells with DGC3 though. My DIL has some very funny ideas in my view and I’m not good at biting my tongue. I do only see the little one as “Granny” though and never as his carer so the relationship is bound to be different.

I regularly have my grandchildren to stay, sometimes for days/a week at a time. I follow instructions given by their parents, but we also happily discuss ‘variations’ in approach. My children and daughter-in-law subscribe to, “grannies house, grannies rules”, which means that there are certain behaviours that the grandchildren know will/will not not be tolerated here and which their parents support.

I’m sometimes rather bemused that grandparents feel they are not permitted to express their views, experiences, or opinions about child rearing. My relationships with my children and daughter-in-law can easily withstand such discussions as they are rooted in mutual respect. I think it’s rather sad that so many grandparents have to bite their lips rather than have the freedom to engage in respectful discussion.

Interesting article, Lemsip. I realise that there are far more families where both parents work out of necessity, but they chose to have children and with children comes the most important responsibilities they will ever have. Toilet training is the parents’ job, not anyone else’s - although others, like grandparents, are generally more than happy to help and support them. Three is far too old for normally developing children to be wearing nappies; partly because they often reach a stubborn phase at around that age and dig their heels in. When l had my children in the nineties, the usual age was around two for a girl and 2 1/2 for a boy. It is much better for their dignity and makes everyone’s lives easier in the long run. I, personally, think that laziness is responsible for the late toilet training these days for most children.

Any, I fully agree with you , children starting school in nappies!!!!!!! 😱.
One of my daughters was very late to tackle toilet training and I worried my GS may become ' a school child in a nappy ' fortunately he didn't but it was a close call. I kept quiet though.
I am a believer in early potty training because it works!! Very difficult now as all parents work. I know how concerned you are and only want to help but in your shoes I would just ride the storm unless you are approached for advice. I have a suspicion that the tables will turn soon - and not before time!!! My children were out of the womb and on to a potty ( not literally) but certainly very early . All 3 were toilet trained at 2.5 and certainly dry at night by the age of 3. I worked ( in the very distant past) in nurseries, we pottied the children very regularly! However I recognize parents are much more anxious these days regarding the personal care of their children. Having said that schools must be absolutely fed up with children in wet and dirty nappies. If it's any consolation your GC will not be alone in this situation , although I imagine advice on this aspect of parenting will take an about turn soon and not before time! For now bite your tongue - all will be well eventually!

I agree with OP with regard to how dummies look in the mouths of children in photos or videos! If I were sent any I would have to delete them - I think I have a bit of a phobia. I never liked dummies and managed to avoid using them with my 5. I know they are sometimes recommended for small babies but fortunately none of my grandchildren took to them, even though parents did try them.

no wonder there are many reports of children starting school not potty trained.
I think it's in the child's best interested to to get on with it!

I wouldn't want to look after a grandchild under these circumstances if I wasn't allowed to assist.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12701371/reception-teachers-child-class-not-potty-trained-MP-working-parents.html

grannyro

Do not initiate it and do not mention it to them. It is up to them to decide when these things should happen. By the time they start school at 5 most children have reached all their goals, does it matter if they get there more slowly than other children?

But alot of children haven’t. It should not be a teachers job to toilet train a child.

Exactly, many children turn up at school not potty trained, and it is causing so so many issues.

Callistemon21

Their child, their rules.

Potty training - current thinking is that they'll just do it when they're ready, I believe.
Certainly times have changed just after my DD went to school nursery at 3 over 35 years ago. Children had to be potty trained before they started unless there was a reason they could not manage it. A couple of years later the nursery teacher was not allowed to discriminate against any child who was not toilet trained.

As for the dummy - she won't want to start school using it! Other children might tease her. She might want to throw it away for the fairies' babies one day.

And yet nursery and reception teachers are pulling their hair out because they have to deal with children who aren’t potty trained at 4 or 5 or even 6. Obviously not all children are ready soon enough. Perhaps another change of direction is in order. Maybe led by grandmothers and not the Internet.

my gc is autistic just truned 3, he is a very smart little boy but can't say many words, he hated the potty, about 4 months ago my son, dil and his bb started to say they need to go pee pee and he would go with them, a month later he was out of nappies, all kids learn when they are ready, the dummy is a comfort for her. parents know when the time is right, it is not for you to decide, they need to be able to trust you to follow the rules they have for there child.

Thanks it's reassuring to hear the examples of others who've had kids or grandchildren who are also in similar positions. Sorry for igniting the old thread, I just saw a recent reply and it was preying on my mind because I thought something would have changed in the last few months. I'd do nothing to jeopardise my good relationship and the time I get with GD

I can’t remember where it was but one of mine was very attached to their dummy maybe at 4 years old so we took him to a farm where you could give them to the lambs (they were hung in the wall not put in their mouths) I thought he would create about it but he just accepted the lambs needed it more than him

Children have always used dummies well past 6 months. I can remember as a child (in the 1950s) seein children out playing with a dummy in their mouth.

I am in absolute agreement with others. Grandparents should never, ever interfere in how their grandchildren are being brought up, unless their physical or mental health are clearly at risk - and then they should speak to social workers first.

As Amy is responsible for dealing with dirty nappies and unhygienic dummies at least twice a week she is entitled to express her opinion even if it is not attended to; she is not the hired help. Very rude to suggest her concern is due to competitiveness.
I disagree with the doctor who said nappies are not a problem until age four; that is the age this child will start school and Reception class staff DO find toilet training a problem.
The wishes of the parent are paramount and Grandma should not contravene them, and it is clear the parents will frustrate her attempts, but if the child attends nursery I think she will be encouraged to use the toilet and discouraged from being dependent on a dummy. Some schools refuse to accept children who are not toilet trained, one reason being two adults should be present to change a child for safeguarding reasons; others call the parents and make them responsible for changing their child.

Thank you, yep I definitely used the wrong word in my initial post haha, I'll keep biting my tongue. It does make complete sense, I just want her to keep up with other children, but I guess there's no rush in that.

I absolutely loath the nappy situation I believe you should have it all done and dusted before 12 months ( for them and you) as for the dummy same thing we posted ours for a new baby
….but ….
It’s not your child so nothing you can do but bite your tongue and carry on with their rules
🤷🏼‍♀️

Academically? I take it she’s reading Peppa Pig in Latin, then.

For the record, my dd2 only gave up the dummy for good when she was coming up to 6. Her teeth have always been perfect (she’s now early 40s).

Dd1 OTOH was still sucking her thumb after she learned to drive! And yes, her teeth were affected to a small extent.

As for potty training, I do agree that it often seems to happen ludicrously late nowadays, but that’s IMO largely because nobody (or hardly anybody) has to wash nappies anymore. Also, a lot more children are in nurseries where the staff just won’t have time to do much in that department.

I spent a week each potty training mine when they were just gone 2, and it worked, but it was pretty much a full time, eagle-eyed job - which as a then SAHM I could easily manage.

OP, I definitely wouldn’t say anything - however well meant, it’ll probably only cause trouble.

you have to curb your desire to interfere.
and the underlying assumption that you know better.
it's their child. their choice.
as for how xmas videos look, well , that just sounds stupid and shallow to me.
are you over concerned with appearances.
and competitiveness, as to how far, how fast your GC is progressing.
you've got to let all that go.
it's nonsense and will annoy the parents if they think that's where you're coming from.

Thanks for the reply and happy new year all. This hasn't really changed since my initial post, and I've stuck with the great advice to not get involved. I'm not worrying about the nappies as I can't interfere with that and they're still adamant she's not ready (I think she more than is)

Is there a way for me to start a conversation about the dummy without sounding like I'm getting involved or sticking my fingers where they don't belong. I give her it a lot less when she's with me and is now good without it, but they still haven't done the same and let her have it all the time. I know this is self centred but I think this made the Christmas present videos look stupid as she's running around opening with a bloomin dummy hanging out. I think it's starting to affect speech a little. I don't want to upset the relationship I have so if sitting back is the best option I will, but I feel again like I should speak up

When my kids were young my MiL was constantly giving unwanted advice. She also did things without asking me so sometimes I had to stop her at the last moment eg: offering my new-born honey on her finger! I knew she shouldn't have sugar so grabbed her away, but didn't know the dangers of honey back then!
My own mum accepted me doing things my way except she struggled with me not putting them to bed early enough. She couldn't understand that we lived a shifted existence compared to most families. My ex started work quite late every morning and got home late too. If I put them to bed at the time she thought I should they would not have seen their dad most weekdays and we'd have been woken at the crack of dawn. It would have been me that had to get up and deal with them. AS it was we had to wake them when it was time to get up for school!
As a granny I realise that much has changed over the last 30 years. Different advice is given and I ask my DiL if unsure of anything as I know that. My DS and DiL are good parents and they do things according to the new advice. I'm glad my GC haven't been given dummies but if they had it would be their parent's choice. As for potty training I left it quite late as I couldn't cope with the trails of wee across the carpet when I first tried! DD had to start playgroup late as they had to be potty trained, but 2 years later DS was allowed to start wearing nappy pants which had become available by then. They both got there in the end but MiL was very vocal about that situation too! Thankfully she didn't have time with them alone as they didn't live locally but I suspect she might not have followed my rules if they had!

I would just keep out of any suggestion of pressuring or making any comments on the way they choose to look after their little girl. If you concentrated on having some good times with her , so you might be able to take her to the park or go swimming with her , anything that enabled you to have some special time with her and also to give the parents chance to have a little time on their own. By doing that , she will enjoy spending time with you and build up your own relationship. The practical things may also improve without your comment, so for example you might be able to go to a swimming pool with her, where there is a babies pool , but if she wants to go into the big pool she would have to be out of nappies etc and of course the more things you are doing , she will be busy enjoying these trips and wont be looking for a dummy during that time.So that without your saying anything it will become apparent that if she wants to do particular things she will need to be able to be out of nappies etc etc. That gives her definite reason to want to be able to be more independant. You would have to be careful how you phrased it but you could also later on have the chance to say to the parents something on the lines that "when she is a bit older i would like to take her to X, or we could spend a couple of hours together , whilst you get chance to go and look at the sofa you might buy" so that it also is an incentive for them too!!

Amy71452 it is difficult when you look after your GC because you are involved. Of course, all the advice is correct here; to maintain a good relationship with the whole family by respecting the parents views for their child. It must be challenging for you, particularly with the potty training. However, you’ve already discussed it with the parents who said no, so no it is. I’m sure one of these weeks you will be given a potty and asked for help. They won’t leave it. The GP has said by 4. That’s within a year. Just be patient until then.

As others have said she's in a small village preschool not attached to the main school. They've got the facilities available so do not push potty training. Which is good but perhaps need to share signs when they're in the 3 year old room