Reading daughter’s diary 25 years on and the consequences

I hated my mum when was a teenager. She neglected me quite a lot and only seemed to notice me when I did something wrong. But we had a good relationship later on. I’m sure she would have been really upset if I had kept a diary back then and later read it! And for what it’s worth I did keep a diary later on where I wrote about how much I disliked my son’s girlfriend. We grew close after they got married and I completely changed my mind about her. If she read what I had written back then she would be mortified. My point is that it’s the present relationship that counts, not the past.

I never had a teenage daughter, but I had teenage stepdaughters. The ex wife truly hated me. I could tell that the girls were using me to get back at their mother. The very first two words of response here to this question was - teenage angst - so succinct! Describes the teen phase to a tee.

Mothers and daughters do have fraught relationships. But when you’ve grown, daughters do forget a lot of that and carry on with their own life, often times even seeking your help/approval.

There are exceptions where the mother is so cruel to her children, that the mother was an unfit person to begin with. THAT would have lifelong consequences.

You’re not alone, you’ll be fine. Don’t say anything, in time you should get over all this. It’s still fresh for you.
USA Gundy

My mother was what we in Liverpool call a "nosyhole" and believed she had the right to read "any letter that comes to this house". For that reason I had all my private letters/bank statements etc sent to an accommodation address in a local shop and wrote my diary in shorthand. I actually enjoyed the intellectual game I played with her as a teenager.

My grandmother left me the contents of her house and it felt really intrusive to have to sort through her intimate things. I did come across some correspondance between her and a very dear friend of hers. I knew about the relationship so I destroyed the letters so my aunts (who had inherited the actual property) never got to read them.

Being dependent on Yr parents to get you to anywhere as a teenager for sports and social life is very frustrating, teenagers are longing for more independence, its part of growing up..don't let it worry you, the diary was a place to let off steam!

Good you read her diary I feel its important if we can to talk to our children openly and gently and discuss emotional issues in a non judgemental way. This can help mental health. Memories from the past can be aired and healing and understanding might take place with any luck.

If teenagers are not people, what are they?

Air elements?
Water? Fire? Spirits?

Teenagers are not people - forget it

CornflowerBlue

I had a lovely childhood and didn't really have a teenage period where I hated my parents or fell out with them, other than the odd argument or tantrum. However, I kept a diary every year from the start of senior school (and still do!), and one day when I was in my early 30's and a mum myself, my mum told me she had read my diary - lucky for her there were no rants about my parents, at least very few. Instead I seemed to have talked about the boys I fancied etc, and later my first sexual experiences. She actually recited some of the things I'd written, and although I didn't really remember any of it, she clearly still remembered, and the wording certainly would have been the sort of wording I'd have used. It was quite detailed and I have no idea why she told me, but it was excrutiatingly humiliating and I've never forgiven her. Mum never kept a diary herself, but a few years ago, I was going through a really bad patch (divorce, etc) and I later found a document mum wrote on the computer (it was on a memory stick she asked me to check over, years after the event, to see if there was anything worth keeping on it, and this document gave no idea what it was). She had documented how horrible I was and all her critisisms of me, some things certainly not true, but without any mention of why I was so utterly distressed and 'difficult'. It brought back the memory of her telling about my diaries years earlier, and I since lost all trust and respect for her. She is very elderly now, I love her, and I do everything I can for her ..... but I can never forgive her. Strangely, when asked by a friend recently what happy memories I have from my childhood, regarding my parents, I can relay many of my dad, but none at all of my mum, yet I know I had a happy childhood! Isn't it strange how the brain works, as I can only assume that these events have subconciously faded any happy memories of her.

At the age of 17 I walked in on my mum going through my personal things in a dressing table drawer. My diary was on the bed and she had obviously been leafing through it. She stuttered some excuse about looking for something of hers that she thought I’d borrowed and scurried out of the room.

There was nothing of particular interest to her in the diary, but the invasion of my privacy really affected me, along with the fact that she couldn’t even admit to what she’d done, but made an excuse. Like your own mum, mine is now very elderly and lives with me. She has dementia and every day a little bit of who she is slips away and it’s heartbreaking because I do love her. But I don’t know what it says about me that I still can’t forgive her for what I considered a huge betrayal of trust.

Chuck if out and forget it !

If it helps any I found a diary l had wrote when I was 13, 50 years ago. My Mum was a lovely person and did her best. But in my diary l wrote frequent rants on how my Mum did not understand me and she was so slow to buy me a bra. I would not take it seriously. I have lovely childhood memories but the diary did not show that.

My mother read my diary and I used to say things about her which I would never have dared to say to her face. In a way I found it amusing that she couldn't say anything because I'd know what I'd been up to.
I wouldn't read my daughter's diary because I know she would have written hurtful things because she was a teenager with angst. I'd find that really difficulty. It's best never to have to forget.

Even 25 years later the contents of a diary are still private. I think you should have returned it to her unread to get it out of temptations’ way. But what’s done is done, and I don’t think you have any choice but to keep it to yourself and try to forget it. The only thing of concern is that your daughter has criticised your parenting since becoming a mum herself. If that continues you’ll inevitably be tempted to defend yourself by telling her what you now know. Please don’t. If so, try to remember that she was a lot younger when all of this was written and has matured since then. You’ve done your best and they seem to be thriving from what you’ve said.

I had a lovely childhood and didn't really have a teenage period where I hated my parents or fell out with them, other than the odd argument or tantrum. However, I kept a diary every year from the start of senior school (and still do!), and one day when I was in my early 30's and a mum myself, my mum told me she had read my diary - lucky for her there were no rants about my parents, at least very few. Instead I seemed to have talked about the boys I fancied etc, and later my first sexual experiences. She actually recited some of the things I'd written, and although I didn't really remember any of it, she clearly still remembered, and the wording certainly would have been the sort of wording I'd have used. It was quite detailed and I have no idea why she told me, but it was excrutiatingly humiliating and I've never forgiven her. Mum never kept a diary herself, but a few years ago, I was going through a really bad patch (divorce, etc) and I later found a document mum wrote on the computer (it was on a memory stick she asked me to check over, years after the event, to see if there was anything worth keeping on it, and this document gave no idea what it was). She had documented how horrible I was and all her critisisms of me, some things certainly not true, but without any mention of why I was so utterly distressed and 'difficult'. It brought back the memory of her telling about my diaries years earlier, and I since lost all trust and respect for her. She is very elderly now, I love her, and I do everything I can for her ..... but I can never forgive her. Strangely, when asked by a friend recently what happy memories I have from my childhood, regarding my parents, I can relay many of my dad, but none at all of my mum, yet I know I had a happy childhood! Isn't it strange how the brain works, as I can only assume that these events have subconciously faded any happy memories of her.

Don't say anything I hated my mum as a teenager don't a lot of us ?

If I asked my AC now what they thought of us and their upbringing I think their responses would be largely positive. But, if I found and read their teenage diaries I suspect they’d be something similar to your daughter’s! Teenagers are programmed to see the worst in things, especially their parents, it’s how they start to find their own way, so what you’ve read is a glimpse into the perceptions of an average teenager.

Better not to have read it, but now, forget it - it’s in the past and no longer relevant.

It often distresses me how many people post such judgemental, self-righteous replies to someone who is obviously upset! I, for one, might well have read the diary, and would have felt just the same as 123ish. However, teenage girls are a different breed and so many are utterly vile! (I had all boys so I'm just going by what I've heard, boys often have different preoccupations) It also seems to me that the more people do for their children the less they are appreciated - or perhaps I should say the less they are perceived, i.e. as beings in their own right. OK, strictly speaking the diary should not have been read, but hey! what is it doing still in Mum's loft? Try to think of this as teenage craziness. You might just as well hold two-year old tantrums as a criticism! You did your best, you've raised a successful, fulfilled adult with whom you have a good relationship. You've done a great job - try to focus on positives and move on.

I wrote all my feelings and err "activities" concerning my boyfriends in my diary and was very upset when my sister and her daughter told me they found it at our mums house and read it. I still can't forgive her I think it was an awful thing to do. Don't tell her you read it things will only get worse between you both.

What an interesting thread, thanks for posting this, it was very brave of you!
Personally, I probably wouldn’t have read the diary, as I would expect to find somethings I liked, and some I didn’t, and being human, we can tend to focus on the negatives. Did she say some good things too?
None of us are fans of our parents all the time, but once it’s written down it is difficult to forget. Personally, I know that we both did our best for all four of our children, but they have all turned out very differently.
One just became a new mum in June, and one is expecting a baby this week, and I will be very interested to see how they find parenting! I think it is a difficult job, and none of us do it perfectly. We all generally just do our best with the resources and wisdom that we have at the time.
Personally, I would destroy the diary and try to forget about it, it’s just a snapshot of a time in the past, don’t let it spoil the present or the future. xx

You should never have read it and wrapped it up and given it to her. So you kind of brought it on yourself

Feel so sorry for you. Our children I have learnt over the years clearly see their upbringing so different to what they actually had. I too made the same mistake as you but while my daughter was at Uni' I was shocked by what I read and deeply regretted reading her journal. I never told my daughter. I'm going to say this something I heard many years ago. Our children are not our property, we gave them life, love and happiness, but that gives us no rights over them, no expectations of how we think they should/do love us.
My daughter hasn't spoken to me for over 12 months because I had the courage to speak up about the despicable way she parents her children. Effectively I'm not allowed to see my beautiful grandchildren and I miss them so much. I don't regret what I said to the daughter but it's cost me dearly. My daughter needs help she clearly has mental health problems and continually treats her partners and children disgracefully. The worse thing is everyone who thinks they know her especially at the school she works in think she's amazing, she isn't. One day I hope my grandchildren will escape her control and she will get the help she needs.
I'm sure like most mums you did your very best for your children, only look back on the happy times is my advice.

A lesson for all of us - do not read things that are private!! The old adage that listeners never hear good of themselves applies here!

I have a stash of letters from my late OH when we first met and the "courting" years - I do not want to throw them away but have told the children not to read them but to destroy them after I die - I absolutely trust them to do that. They laughed and said they would not want me to read some of their letters and diaries either!

The whole point of being a teenager is to move out of your parents' orbit of control bit by bit, and this involves gradually rejecting parents before coming back to a reasonable adult to adult relationship when they grow up. What you have been reading is the rejection stage - which is entirely normal.

TBH I am appalled that you read them! Some things are better never known!

You will now have to carry the burden of having read them, having seen things that upset you, and having to keep this secret from your DD - you have given yourself a heavy load to carry. But recognise them for what they are - the rantings of a teenager - we were all like that once.

Of course she paints you as the Devil incarnate she was a teenager and you are her mother! No point in trying to justify your actions
How close are you now?
With children of her own she will forgive you for your human frailties and will suffer the same criticism herself
Just enjoy having a daughter and grandchildren
What could be better

I have 2 sisters and I sometimes feel as though I may have been in a coma for my entire childhood. The other 2 are always complaining about our childhood and quoting things that ‘happened’ but never did. I had a wonderful childhood but I seemed to be able to understand that there wasn’t any money and there were no holidays. Our mum was very unwell for sometime and the recovery was slow and frustrating for her so she would lose her temper and I understood that it came from a different place. I made my own fun and I thought they did.

Like Queen Elizabeth II said “recollections may vary.”

I hope you can find peace with what you have read because you know you did your best for your daughters. Don’t second guess yourself because the past cannot be changed. Your daughter will soon be facing the same challenges and will undoubtedly read or hear things that will sting her for years to come.

That's a hard one to answer. God bless you. I'm not sure any of us really could have resisted reading it.

I was not the best young mother and did some things that left my daughter with abandonment issues. Once I reached about 40 and she was 20, I knew I had a lot of work to do to make it up to her. I was able to get a "all is forgiven" without ever having to discuss all the issues. I think she could feel my genuine remorse. We're now very close, but we still have boundaries unfortunately.

My advice could only be to love her and be there for her as best you can. She may feel as bad about writing it back then as you feel today about reading it.

And f--- the vacuum.

I would have read it but not brought it up either. Knowing what you know, if/when a criticism comes up, ask her about it, ask where that’s coming from. Give her a chance as an adult to talk about it and try not to get defensive. Her adult thoughts could be kinder than they were 25 years ago. Now a parent herself, have a conversation about how she might have done things differently or will as her children become teenagers. Teenagers are a whole different animal! There’s no manual and we do the best we can with our daily adult struggles (financial, career, relationships, families) on top of the day to day responsibilities of having a healthy child or children. Don’t let it slip…