Reading daughter’s diary 25 years on and the consequences

I kept diaries from about 16 to 18 or 19.
I know where they are....

I think they should go.
😱

Why not hand it over to her without saying you read it? Maybe put it in a bag with other things and tell her you were having a clearout. There is a good chance that she will read it herself, laugh at the things she wrote, and talk to you about it with the benefit of hindsight. Is she a mother herself? I think that makes a big difference too.

GrannyGravy13

Callistemon21 & JaneJudge I put the childline phone number on the fridge, every time one of our teens (5 of them) complained I told them who they should complain to.

Yes, I used to tell her to phone Esther Rantzen, I'm sure she would make sure she got to school on time too 😁

I found a daughter's diary in the loft when we moved house. I didn't read it. I knew this daughter had issues and we probably were perceived as the cause of most of them. Just cling to the wise comment by the late Queen - "Recollections may vary."

Callistemon21 & JaneJudge I put the childline phone number on the fridge, every time one of our teens (5 of them) complained I told them who they should complain to.

I'm just surprised that you are shocked by what you read..What did you expect? She was a teenager.. I would just forget it,she has grown up now

We went through some horrendous times with our oldest DD when she was in her teens. There was a time when I literally couldn't be in the same room as her, she wound me up so terribly and seemed to hate everything about me and her life with me.

Can I say that we are now so close, she phones most evenings just to catch up and says she loves me often.

Teens are a different breed - just think of Jason and Perry! If I had found her diary from that time I think I would have been tempted to read it (come on, who wouldn't be tempted?) but if I had it would have been with a large dose of hindsight and also the memories of how I felt as a teenager.

Just put it down to experience, never mention it and live your life with her as it is now.

JaneJudge

Mine always threatened me with childline

Oh an one of mine did that
😂😂😂

Mainly for turfing her unceremoniously out of bed and getting her to school on time.

I wouldn't give it any more thought. Teenage girls always seem to hate their mother. I know I exaggerated all mines faults and thought my father was kind and generous now I realise he was acting on her directions.
If she knows it is still with you put it back or otherwise burn it.

I would have read the diary as it would be so interesting to remember what was happening 25 years ago. No, I would not tell her you read them for obvious reasons. Nothing to be gained. You definitely should not get upset by what she wrote. As has been said, teenagers can be very self centred and immature. My diaries as a teenager were so negative towards my mother it was ridiculous. What a Drama Queen I was!!
I read too many problem pages in Jackie and thought I had a really boring life with a boring family. I agree with Maybee, what I would give to tell my mum what a great job she did.

Mine always threatened me with childline

123ish
Please don't take the diary too seriously.

If I had written one as a teenager, I am sure it would have been equally heartbreaking for my mum (or my late dad) if she were to read it.

My parents were no worse than most others. With hindsight, I know that they did their best. In fact, I think I probably knew that even then, and their best actually was quite good. I was well fed, well clothed, allowed a reasonable amount of freedom, and was never burdened with any of the problems that I now know that they coped with from time to time.

Despite that, they became enemy number one when I was in my teens. In my eyes, they could literally do no right. I wasn't happy, and I turned it all back on them even though they knew nothing of what I was going through.

I'm not going to say that I now have a fantastic relationship with my mum, but we rub along and I realize now that it is just down to differences in our personalities, and any difficulties between us are at least as much my fault as they are hers.

Hopefully, your daughter will also realize at some point, if she hasn't already, that you are not really the cause of all her (perceived) inadequacies.

I once said to my daughter aren’t you glad that I was a stay at home mum and you didn’t have to go to nursery and I was always happy to taxi you everywhere etc and she said not really. Because if you hadn’t’ve been a stay at home mum I wouldn’t have known any different. I rather found that the children of mums that didn’t have the time for them really appreciated it when they sometimes did. Then again, my daughter did give up her career a while back to be a stay at home mum.

I m sure I probably would have read the diary out of curiosity especially if a long time had passed so I can well connect with you 123ish
Please don’t worry if possible, I bent over backwards to make sure my kids had everything I possibly could, although I was on a incredibly tight budget getting nothing at all from their father, who conveniently ‘disappeared’
I sacrificed a lot to make life as comfortable and normal as possible for them My eldest only remembers one stupid game we played which she said frightened her, and my second eldest says he doesn’t remember anything much about his childhood !!!! My third one did remember a few good things phew
However I think I should have just gone out partying after all and not sacrificed any of my life 😂

There’s so much talk at the moment about mental health in teenagers but haven’t they always been an almost terrifying time?

Yes, I think this is true. I think people are just much more open about their emotions in general now and more is understood. My parents were of the bottle it all up/pull yourself together mentality which isn't very healthy at all imo

I am astounded at claims that most mums would read a child’s diary. Really? What would you expect to read in it? Maybe I’ve been burnt by my mother reading my diary when I was young but I can hand on heart say I would never even open a letter addressed to one of my DC without permission, let alone read a diary.

The OP says she is now mistrustful of her daughter. That is as nothing compared to the betrayal of her daughter’s trust.

First we love our parents, then we judge our parents then, if they’re lucky we forgive them. Can’t remember who wrote that but it’s so true. Unfortunately most people don’t remember things in the correct way till after their parents have gone. How many of us would give anything to have our mums back so we can tell them how much we appreciated and loved them? I remember, after my marriage had ended, my daughter said she couldn’t forgive me for making me hate her dad. But I’d always said he was a good man and I wasn’t easy to live with. And when I told her that I wanted to give our marriage another go she told me that I shouldn’t, that he’d never change. And now he lives just up the road from her she’s always moaning about him. I’m afraid that, if I came upon a diary like that I would have read it. And it’s made me realise that I should burn a diary that I kept for awhile when the children were young and my marriage was in trouble. The teenage years are the best of times and the worst of times. There’s so much talk at the moment about mental health in teenagers but haven’t they always been an almost terrifying time?

I clearly remember that my teenage diary was a mix of fact, wishful fiction, vitriol against everyone over the age of 16 and Walter Mitty type of lifestyle reporting.

I ran away from home, so my poor mum no doubt read my highly fictionalised diary and would have been horrified 🥴

Now, if you read your daughters diary aged 39 1/2 and were outraged, I'd agree with you😅

Moral of the tale. Diaries are private!

Also teens are all over the place with new hormones to come to terms with and it's their job to sometimes 'hate' their parents... all a necessary part of the separation process to becoming an individual and an adult and not just someones child.

I know you can't get it out of your head now but remember teenagers brains and their thoughts are immature and often rather self centred, and unable to see the bigger picture. Childrens' experience and understanding of the world is a bit limited- whilst teenagers are often trying to break free from the restrictions of childhood. Teens can be rather fed up with life (doom tinted spectacles one minute rose the next?) and entitled too- rushing to get what they they think they need, whilst not ready yet to accept adult responsibilities. Diaries can be a place to let off steam- or fantasize or try out developing writing styles.
It sounds like you did your best and both of your daughters are doing well.

Sorry about the ‘Zee’

eazybee

I never read my daughter's diary, never, because my mother read mine, and would comment jokily on what I had written. Nothing bad, but it was personal, and it made me sly and secretive where she was concerned. No matter where I hid it, and the stories wot I wrote, she would find them, so I stopped writing , and the world lost a great author. Possibly.

That’s a great post, easybee 😉

You have obviously forgotten what it was like to be a typical teenager.

Mollygo that is such a wise post. You have covered all emotional aspects of reading that which you were never meant to see, and I'm completely in agreement. My DD was rebellious and difficult, and is now a great comfort and a friend.

As Baggs said just teenage angst, don't take it too seriously and definitely don't tell your daughter you have read her diary.
My daughters are in their forties and fifties now but when they reminisce it's invariably about my perceived shortcomings. It's not all beer and skittles being a Mum is it.