My elderly dad wants to visit mums ashes abroad

I am disabled and need assistance at the airport . Usually there is a disabled desk near the entrance and that is your first port of call . You don’t have to book the assistance when you book your flight , as you can phone the holiday company/ airline afterwards. They can also arrange for you to be sat in a suitable seat for your dad to get to a toilet on the plane easily . It shouldn’t cost him to be allocated this seat and the adjoining seat for you as his carer .
From the assistance desk in the airport tell them you have your own wheelchair but will need someone to push it through the airport as you can’t manage . Your allocated will speedily take to to check in and security etc by taking you to the front of all the queues . He will possibly leave you in the departure lounge but come back to take you to the gate (make sure to remind him of this ) .
At the gate you will board the plane first and leave it last after everyone else has got off . This can be a bit of a wait but once your assistant comes for you he then takes you to the front of the passport queues, so it’s not a problem . In some airports they help retrieve you luggage from the carousel and take you out of the arrivals building to you bus / taxi etc . It is a great service and I’m sure you will start you holiday relaxed . Have a nice time .

Hi I took an elderly man 87 on a holiday corfu. It was so stressful lucky he said I could take a friend. He chose the place everything but moaned most of the time we were there. Hassle from start to finish we booked a car to take him round the island he said yes do it book then didn’t want to go on the day. 5 restaurants on site yet he still complained. Nothing was right made comments about other guests too and we were sure they heard every word. Hassle from start to finish without my friend helping I would have been so stressed out! Unless ur sister goes I wouldn’t go alone with him. This is the funny part when we arrived home he said I would like to go on a cruise next !!!

I'm thinking this involves massive effort and expense just to look at a piece of ground with nothing there. If he wants to look down at the earth that badly then he should pay for the full trip including a carer and disability support. It's really too much for you and could be a health and safety risk for both of you.

I think he can sense that you care enough to do whatever he wants, and is taking advantage of that. You need to step back and consider your own needs, whilst also making him open his wallet and pay his way because he can obviously afford it.

Theexwife has made a very good point - ' why is what he wants more important than what you want ' food for thought. Of course you love your Dad and want to do what you can for him and I don't envy your dilemma!
The practicalities of this proposed trip are prohibitive, you have assessed with great care and you know what you are capable of , so please protect yourself. It would be a very tall order for anyone!! You instinct is telling you not to embark on this trip so I in your position I would take heed of my instinct. It is very difficult for you and your situation has been on my mind most of the day. Good luck , be brave . xxx

We took my mother-in-law to see her family home "one last time" aged 95.
Not in a wheelchair - so obviously easier- but fantastic support at the airport tbh.

I would go.
I'd make sure he realised he'd have to pay and I'd use a specialist company- such as:

m.disabledholidays.com/#!/search/uk-l23/channel-islands-l1325/jersey-l359/

go.limitlesstravel.org/uk/disabled-friendly-holidays/?utm_source=Google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=11908851993&utm_keyword=holidays%20abroad%20for%20disabled&gclid=CjwKCAjwysipBhBXEiwApJOcu0aqHf8jj0SwV1WkgJUpmsrxCAeDkW5uzvv4iEOdgCG0jFDs59nk0hoCaGgQAvD_BwE&gad=1

www.enableholidays.com/jersey-2

www.yourdirection.co.uk/supported-holidays

Take one with some sort of "care package".

If he won't pay, given that he can pay, I'd say he may not want to go enough.

Good luck.

I wish you luck and hope you are able to see this is not about the trip but about the unhealthy relationship with your father

Sorry, my last post obviously wasn't about your trip! I just thought the time you need to spend with him at the moment is exhausting for you and you need a break, not a "holiday" with him in Jersey which will leave you shattered.

I do wonder if his home help might be able to help him to sort out a weekly online shopping order so that you don't need to take him yourself? If he has a favourite supermarket that would be the easiest to use as he knows what he buys there, or you could set up a "regular" shop every week at the same time on Ocado. You can also select "regular" products which are bought every week, fortnight on month which makes things easier.
One hour a week doesn't sound like enough help for him and it doesn't make sense for you and your sister to knock yourselves out trying to do everything yourselves.

Hithere your comments are really unhelpful so please stop.
Jaxjacky, at the time we felt it would be too much. In hindsight maybe we should have taken him. He did pay for both my sister and I and gave us spending money.
He's just got worse since mum died.

If I may ask Iceandaslice why didn’t he go with you both when the ashes were scattered? It would have been easier with you both there.

So the way he treats you, is it the way a loving father should treat his daughter?

Your love for him has nothing to do with this

He is not kind to you and abusing you

He wants to see where she was scattered obviously. Also abuse is a harsh word. I actually do love my dad

You say he wants to see mum but her ashes have been scattered. What does he want to see?

I book assistance same time as flight , I do get left on the plane till the end and have to wait for the helper , I can walk down the stairs , but sometimes I’m not allowed and have to go in , what I call , the Cherry picker !
But it means my Daughter can walk along with me and the case is on my lap
It is a help through security and on to the plane , but it is a bit uncomfortable!

"If I didn't do this he wouldn't have anyone. He alienates lots of people by his rudeness."
Didnt you say he is well off? He can pay people money to take him to Jersey

My guess is that you are cheaper, lack boundaries and wont call him out on his crap - win win for him
Why shall he bother with anybody else?

"He alienates people with his rudeness"
He makes his bed, he pays the consequences for his actions
He is a big boy, he knows what he is doing

"I'm hoping he will decide not to go. He may not be well enough anyway."
You can say "no, i wont do this"

You are the scapegoat of the family.
It is up to you to say enough and reclaim your life

Your father can hire carers, go to a care home for his needs, he is very mentally fit

Stop being abused

I hate that he says I'm his favourite, because actually my brother is as he can do no wrong. Spoilt by both my parents as he was the baby, he's 8 years younger. He's never worked and my parents made every excuse under the sun for him! My sister and I just got on with school/work etc.
I only do as much as I do as it helps my sister out. She's recovering from breast cancer and has an extremely stressful job in the NHS. So doesn't need any more pressure.
If I didn't do this he wouldn't have anyone. He alienates lots of people by his rudeness.
I'm hoping he will decide not to go. He may not be well enough anyway.

"He tells me I am his favourite."
That tells you everything.

Good point Grandtante, - one person (you) cannot push a wheelchair AND a luggage trolley at the same time, so an extra person is essential.

One point sprang immediately to my mind: can he manage to go to the toilet on his own? I mean you can't go into the Gents', can you?

What you could do, instead of just stating that you can't manage a trip with him alone, is to check with two hotels in Jersey what their facilities are for elderly people in wheel-chairs, and the price of a stay for two, or three persons of the length your father wants.

Price two airline companies too, and ask specifically what arrangements for help can be made at the airport - borrowing a wheelchair as his own will need to be sent as luggage, checking in baggage, having someone help with the baggage, as you cannot both push a baggage trolley and a wheelchair at one and the same time.

Then sit Dad down with the estimates! And remember to add in travel insurance, cancellaton insurance, etc. etc. If he is as purse-proud as you say, they really will make him think!

And he might well end up giving up the idea.

If he doesn't give up the notion, you will then need to tell him that you cannot possible cope with this kind of journey on your own. Add for good measure that you cannot afford it either, and if he wants to go, he pays his and your fares and hotel bills, plus that of a carer hired to come along.

If he won't do any of all this, then you are sorry, but it is no go. He can then ask your sister, whom you have forewarned, and see what she says!

I don’t know where you live but there is another alternative to getting to Jersey. We go regularly but cannot be bothered with the hassle of airports luggage ect and we take the ferry with our own car.
If it is feasible the luggage and your father’s wheelchair can go in the car and you could drive to a hotel cutting out all the problems at Jersey.
The ferry companies are very apt at dealing with disabled passengers including assisted boarding.

www.limitlesstravel.org/
These people might be worth looking at.

Op

You need to evaluate how much you do for your father and step back - does he need you everyday?

The trip - you have the answer, you are just scared to tell him no.

He can want all he wants - it does not mean it is possible.

"I am his favourite" - what if you were not at his beck and call, available for him? Would you be his favourite?

Has he ever been called out for been unpleasant and hard to deal with?

Put yourself first. You are retired, not his servant

Plenty of good advice for you here Iceandasliceplease. However, I would disagree with Glorianny regarding special assistance. This must be booked at the same time as you book your flights. It is not a ‘given’ as relies completely on fully trained staff being available. I expect we have all seen cases of high profile wheelchair users left on planes for extended periods as no qualified staff are available to help them disembark.
I go through Stansted Airport pretty regularly and there are always many wheelchair users awaiting their transfers. Excellent systems in place but not quick !

Just re read your post about travel insurance. We always had this. It was so important on our last trip when mum was taken ill in Cyprus and spent a week of our two week holiday in a clinic.
There are companies who will insure older people with medical conditions, just make sure you list everything on the form.
The Cyprus clinic was wonderful and they did all the claiming paperwork for me.