My elderly dad wants to visit mums ashes abroad

I think you are going to have to tell him you can’t do this on your own.

We have taken my mum on holiday abroad several times and even with assistance at the airport I was glad there were two of us.

I know from experience that it is hard to stand up to an elderly parent but it won’t do you any good to be worrying about this until next April.It isn’t selfish to think about what is right for you.It has taken me a long time to think like this but as was pointed out to me if I get ill who will look after mum then.Try and find a solution that is best for both of you.

I would say book nearer the time as he may change his mind or his medical issues may mean the trip just isn’t possible.

Take care💐

I’m afraid you’re just going to have to tell him - nicely enough a) that you can’t possibly do this on your own, so a 3rd person will have to come, and b) that he’ll need to cover all expenses.

So if he still wants to go, it’ll be entirely up to him.
And I’d refuse to discuss it any further.

I’m not sure about insurance for Jersey, but presumably it’d be needed anyway (if e.g. he needed to be flown home for any reason) so that’s something to look into, which he’d also need to cover.

I wouldn't even try to do this unless you go a part of a package holiday with other people who could help in an emergencyand also take the pressure off you having to entertain him all the time. You could stay in a full board hotel and just get a taxi to the specual place. Also if it's so important for him to go he should be paying for you. Old age is not a get out card.. and if your sister wishes to be included then obviously she should.. If you're all part of a big group it should all be much more pleasant.

I looked after my mum before she went in a home it was a complete nightmare. Pushing a wheelchair getting parking spaces etc for various appointments. I cracked in the end then my siblings finally had to do their bit and help.

Going away would be out of the question for me even to the channel Island which do know very well. I would refuse without argument your father who I am sure you do love is asking too much.

I hope you'll be able to take Witzend's advice Iceandasliceplease as this does not sound like something you can do on your own or easily afford.

Sorry but your Dad is being very selfish here in so many ways. It’s just too much to expect of you. What if you were taken ill whilst in Jersey. Who would look after you , you need to say No. Dad it’s too much for me on my own. Unless you include my sister and pay for her too , well it’s not going to happen.
It’s too exhausting managing him and a wheelchair. You will wear yourself out.
Good luck with telling him 💐

This is far too much for you to do on your own and you have to tell him that. To be honest, it sounds as if you are doing too much for him anyway and should be getting in some help. Tell him Either someone else goes with you, or you don’t go. You definitely need travel insurance for Jersey. If he is taken ill the insurance would pay to repatriate him to the mainland. Otherwise he will be stuck there. Special assistance can start from when you get out of the taxi at the airport but it has to be arranged. Do you have a younger relative who could go with you and help with pushing the wheelchair and the luggage? To be honest, this sounds like a non-starter to me and he may just have to accept the fact that it is not do-able.

I think you will feel guilt about not organising this holiday for your father if you don't do it, because he is good at manipulating your concern, but it has to be on your terms, not his.
Check out if his health is up to this journey, and find the cost of health insurance, which will be high and which he must pay.
Research the entire cost of the trip, accommodation, food and transport, (ignoring silly demands for no breakfast) and present an itemised bill, which he must agree to pay before you even consider booking.
You must have someone with you; you cannot manage an elderly, difficult, partially disabled man, wheelchair and luggage on your own. Would your sister wish to come; you are after all visiting the ashes of your mother, not just his wife? Never mind what your father thinks; you are doing this for him.
You don't mention if you have family of your own, but you and your sister certainly do plenty to help your father; putting it bluntly he is selfish and bullies you by trading on ill-health and old age to get his own way , so remember this holiday is at his request; you are doing him a favour, and he has to agree to sensible conditions otherwise the trip will be impossible.
And stick to it.

I took mum and dad away only about 60 miles on a short holiday mum badly wanted it, was a big mistake
Mum had early stage demetia and bad arthritis We hired a wheelchair It was a total nightmare mum didn’t want me to push her but only dad, poor dad, he wasn’t strong they were in their mid 80 s it was a bit hilly When she wasn’t looking I took over, after a couple of nights mum had a bad tummy (bug or food) and we decided to go home
It was a total waste of money and a nasty experience for us all a real disappointment for them and I felt I d let them down I still think about it and what I could have done better

As others have said don’t do it on your own preferable a younger fit person to go with you and tell Dad you can only afford your own share of the break I d go for a long weekend.. quite long enough

You must be firm , we had my Mum living with us and it was difficult enough taking the wheelchair , getting her in and out of the car etc - and that was was in this country. Your Dad is very fortunate to have you and your sister, even though she does not get on with him she is doing her share. This proposed journey is simply a NO NO NO!!!!! Massive risk, he could be ill or worse and where would he be if you were ill, broke a bone etc.? Elderly parents do not recognize that their AC are also ageing! Even if he was able to go he should be paying for all if it! But paying or not this is a very unwise thing to do. Please do not feel guilty, perhaps you and your sister could form a united front and tell him together? A compromise may be - perhaps a family get together to remember his wife , a sort of memorial service? Please follow your instincts, stick to your guns.

To be brutally honest, much as I can sympathise with his emotional need to re-visit Jersey, he is being completely selfish and needs to understand that he is, simply, asking too much of you.

I would sit him down and explain - kindly - all the difficulties this presents for you - and all the "what-ifs". If he refuses to even consider what you say, then you will have to exercise your right to veto the trip.

Sometimes, elderly people become extremely obsessed with their wants and needs and don't give any thought to the burden they are placing on their family with their demands.

Either you give in and appease them, or you put your foot down - without rancour - and make it clear that you cannot do what they ask of you, and remain firm.

Not even your family have the right to put you in a position which is damaging to your health and wellbeing.

If he really is well off - I'd suggest arranging a long weekend in Jersey with either your sister included - or hiring a private carer to come along to help. It would be expensive, but if it's that important to him, he should be prepared to pay for it.

... as for breakfast being a "pointless" meal - I'd insist that it's only pointless to him. The whole idea of the meal is to 'break the fast' and to set you up for the beginning of the day.

Don't allow him to manipulate you out of guilt and misplaced loyalty.

It would be lovely for him if he could go for one last visit - but it has to be on your terms, not his.

Another case of old people becoming very self-centred, selfish and demanding. I’ve seen rather too much of it.

God forbid we ever get like that! 😱

I took my mum on holiday until she was 90, She was wheelchaired at many places and it wasn't difficult. Firstly restrict your luggage. Jersey is in the UK so you can buy stuff if you need, but for a few days you shouldn't need that much. One wheely case, not too big he can hold on his lap in the wheelchair, Rucksack on your back, Bag which will hang on wheel chair handles. Order a taxi to the airport and tell them you have a wheelchair passenger. When you arrive push him into a safe corner with the luggage whilst you go and get someone to help. Usually customer assistance is easily found but ask at any desk.
Once you have someone it's all straight forward. You'll be escorted through the airport and on and off the plane.
Jet 2 have very good advice if you want to contact them before hand to ask about help.
There are companies which do disabled holidays you can Google it but they are more expensive.
The best place we went was America when mum was recovering from a fall and we were treated like VIPs and whisked through airports with her in a wheelchair.
Hope you can manage it. 85 isn't really that old.

Don't do it! Taking a male when you are female brings additional challenges! When I used to take my elderly father out he would disappear into the Gents for ages with me stuck outside. In the end I insisted that another male relative must accompany us so they could check he was ok

Why is what he wants more important than what you want?

Tell him yes, you will take him but not alone, he either goes with the two of you or not at all.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Dad had said he would pay for me but only me. I have spoken with my sister. She agrees that I can't do it alone, however really doesn't want to come. He unfortunately tells me I'm his favourite and can be really harsh with my sister, so I don't blame her in the slightest. I also have a younger brother who has 'mental health issues' (read ex heroin addict) who gets away with doing sweet fa, but I don't want him involved. I will tell dad that the only options are two nights only not three and another adult, possibly my eldest daughter who he is close to. He MUST have insurance and he has to pay for us all or it's not happening.
My mum would be horrified at his behaviour.

Just re read your post about travel insurance. We always had this. It was so important on our last trip when mum was taken ill in Cyprus and spent a week of our two week holiday in a clinic.
There are companies who will insure older people with medical conditions, just make sure you list everything on the form.
The Cyprus clinic was wonderful and they did all the claiming paperwork for me.

Plenty of good advice for you here Iceandasliceplease. However, I would disagree with Glorianny regarding special assistance. This must be booked at the same time as you book your flights. It is not a ‘given’ as relies completely on fully trained staff being available. I expect we have all seen cases of high profile wheelchair users left on planes for extended periods as no qualified staff are available to help them disembark.
I go through Stansted Airport pretty regularly and there are always many wheelchair users awaiting their transfers. Excellent systems in place but not quick !

Op

You need to evaluate how much you do for your father and step back - does he need you everyday?

The trip - you have the answer, you are just scared to tell him no.

He can want all he wants - it does not mean it is possible.

"I am his favourite" - what if you were not at his beck and call, available for him? Would you be his favourite?

Has he ever been called out for been unpleasant and hard to deal with?

Put yourself first. You are retired, not his servant

www.limitlesstravel.org/
These people might be worth looking at.

I don’t know where you live but there is another alternative to getting to Jersey. We go regularly but cannot be bothered with the hassle of airports luggage ect and we take the ferry with our own car.
If it is feasible the luggage and your father’s wheelchair can go in the car and you could drive to a hotel cutting out all the problems at Jersey.
The ferry companies are very apt at dealing with disabled passengers including assisted boarding.

One point sprang immediately to my mind: can he manage to go to the toilet on his own? I mean you can't go into the Gents', can you?

What you could do, instead of just stating that you can't manage a trip with him alone, is to check with two hotels in Jersey what their facilities are for elderly people in wheel-chairs, and the price of a stay for two, or three persons of the length your father wants.

Price two airline companies too, and ask specifically what arrangements for help can be made at the airport - borrowing a wheelchair as his own will need to be sent as luggage, checking in baggage, having someone help with the baggage, as you cannot both push a baggage trolley and a wheelchair at one and the same time.

Then sit Dad down with the estimates! And remember to add in travel insurance, cancellaton insurance, etc. etc. If he is as purse-proud as you say, they really will make him think!

And he might well end up giving up the idea.

If he doesn't give up the notion, you will then need to tell him that you cannot possible cope with this kind of journey on your own. Add for good measure that you cannot afford it either, and if he wants to go, he pays his and your fares and hotel bills, plus that of a carer hired to come along.

If he won't do any of all this, then you are sorry, but it is no go. He can then ask your sister, whom you have forewarned, and see what she says!

Good point Grandtante, - one person (you) cannot push a wheelchair AND a luggage trolley at the same time, so an extra person is essential.

"He tells me I am his favourite."
That tells you everything.