Putting babies to sleep in thir cots .

There are many reasons why a young foster baby may need to be cuddled to sleep but most importantly, comfort is a basic need to new born babies and these babies may have previously missed out on it.

There is a problem with some babies when they fall asleep in your arms but wake as soon as transferred to cot. There's a short window of opportunity - 10 to 20 minutes after they drop off- to move them. But sometimes they wake after an hour, and finding themselves alone, start crying so the whole process has to be started again!
Recent advice given to my daughters was to put baby in cot when drowsy but not actually asleep and stay nearly till they fell asleep. Doesn't always work!

*adopted

My middle son refused to sleep alone . So he fell asleep downstairs with me and when we went to bed we'd pop him into his crib and all was well in the world. He's 31 now, a doctor in an oncology department and I don't think his unusual method of bedtime time did him any harm

My DH was adored at 6 weeks old in 1962. He was born in a catholic mother and baby home who only allowed him to be picked up to be fed every 4 hours. My MIL told me she had to set an alarm to feed him as he had learnt not to cry as no one came.
Unfortunately, although my in-laws meant well they weren’t physically affectionate and he is still emotionally distant.

It depends entirely on the baby. My DS was born feeling unloved and unwanted, he was actually much loved and wanted, but from birth he was unhappy if he wasn't being held or cuddled by some one. If put down and left, even for a few minutes he started hyperventilating and getting obviously stressed and needed to be nursed. I carried him everywhere, lulled him to sleep in my arms, and be came adept at doing everything with one arm with a baby in the other. After a few months thngs gradually improved.

Then I had DD. From day 1 she made it entirely clear that she wa an independent self contained young woman who wasn't over enthusiastic about cuddles but enjoyed just lying by herself, eyes wide open taking in the world. So I would put her in her cot, if she was sleepy she fell asleep, and if not lay there playing and talking to herself.

Neither child has changed much, and they are both over 50, DS is a people person devoted to his family and very tactile. DD is independent and self contained.

Fostered children are very different from children in secure homes, will have had traumatic experiences and may well need the security of constant nursing - as will some children in secure environments. To use an inappropriate aphorism 'horses for courses'

Floradora surely the fact that babies are removed from their mother is ‘something going very wrong in their lives’?

I’m not having a go at you - it is obvious from your post that you went the extra mile for the babies you cared for - but babies know and are attuned to their mother through nine months of pregnancy, even those who have harmed them in utero as described by Calipso, and there is trauma involved in breaking that bond even when it is essential for the baby’s safety.

Like Iam I would never tell foster carers what to do, we have to trust them in their role, but social workers should be there to support, guide and above all provide the correct training to equip them to look after the most vulnerable children in our society. It is an enormous responsibility, as those of you who have done it will of course know only too well.

Not sure if you were trying to be funny there Welbeck
I'm sure the majority of us understood perfectly the OP's phrase 'putting to bed'. Perhaps you would better understand 'self settling'?

foetal alcohol syndrome.
the idea of babies under a week old, putting themselves to bed, is quite startling.
even without FAS.
maybe give them a timetable and a feeding bottle attached to the bars of the cot, bit like a hamster.

@Floradora9
The babies we had were less than a week old so nothing had gone wrong with their lives

So much can damage development long before they are born: substance abuse, high cortisol levels where there is domestic abuse and so much more. But if you have fostered, you will of course be aware of this

Iam64

I was a sw for over 30 years. I never ‘told’ a foster carers what to do in the way described by the OP. I’ve had many discussions where foster carers have described the awful piercing cries of babies withdrawing from drugs. The walking the floor, the way the fp would try to find what soothed the different babies.

My experience of most foster carers was ‘telling ‘ them anything wouldn’t be welcome 😏. It’s about listening, supporting and generally, appreciating the great things good foster carers achieve

I was only quoting from the book I was reading . My daughter is a SW by the way .

Calipso

In most situations where a very young baby is removed from the birth mother and cared for by foster parents, something has gone very wrong in that baby's short life - risk of physical abuse, emotional neglect, substance abuse. These are the very babies that absolutely need all the loving and safe connection possible.

The babies we had were less than a week old so nothing had gone wrong with their lives. I just think if they do not learn to fall asleep by themselves it causes trouble later on especially as you do not know what their next home is like . I have walked miles with babies who were upset or ill but to do this with toddlers not a good idea. Never have I left a baby to cry if they did not settle down .

Well, if the foster mother whose book you read was from India or of Indian parentage, that is exactly how Indian households have got babies to sleep for centuries. And it seems to have worked just as well as our "put that child in her bed" attitude.

True Nannarose - better than harming that's for sure.

Why its baby is distressed would you/anyone go against instinct and not comfort. As a mother I worked out hungry cries, tired cries, and so forth I still believe in a mother’s instinct. They thrive on routines. Interestingly I still care for tiny babies now.

To reply: NotSpaghetti (wonderful username!) I was meaning generally in this conversation, not your post specifically. Iam64, didn't occur to me, no apology needed.

Generally, there are some situations where parents feel they have no option but to leave their baby to 'cry it out'. I would support those who felt they could not cope otherwise, usually in very awkward situations. The parent needed to feel supported and helped, not criticised.

Nana rose - apologies, I meant to mention the key health visitor role especially with looked after children

Whatever works is what we were told. So baby one was put in the cot and went to sleep. Baby two liked someone to stroke them as they dozed off.
We didn’t leave them crying, even though that was quite fashionable at the time.
Son-in-law 1 nursed both theirs until they were asleep. They often woke on the way upstairs, but settled off again quite quickly. They rarely went out in the evening because the babies would only settle with him (or so he believed. We weren’t allowed to try).
DD2 put hers in the cot to go to sleep, and they did. We baby-sat for them more often because they could make arrangements for specific times.

Nannarose I wasn't assuming our "own" babies from loving homes are the same as foster babies.

In my opinion no babies should very left to settle alone if they need cuddles.
And no, I wouldn't leave anyone crying alone, child or adult, unless it was clear they wanted to be left.

There are more important issues to worry about re. childcare!! I put my children into their cots awake , if they didn't settle quickly I lifted them and rocked them in my arms till they slept. It's a very personal choice, but leaving children to cry for long periods is never a good idea. Caring for foster children is very different, these children may well have had a very difficult time in their short lives and need that very secure connection with a foster mother. The love they receive in foster care will stand them in good stead when hopefully they are placed with loving parents.

It's so heartening to read the educated and wise responses of Gransnetters here!
In antenatal classes I tell this story: "once upon a time there were two Stone Age mothers who each had a baby. One baby went straight to sleep when his mother put him under a tree and everyone said 'what a good baby!' The other baby cried his head off when his mother put him down, and so she carried him around on her back, or wrapped in a bit of fur round her front while she got on with her Stone Age work, and everyone said 'what a difficult baby!' One day a tiger came along and found the 'good' baby asleep under the tree. And the tiger ate him up. Which baby do you reckon your baby is descended from?"

I can’t imagine leaving a baby to cry itself to sleep. It saddens me to even think of it.

I was a Health Visitor almost all of my working life. I agree with those who point out that a fostering setting is very different from a birth family.
I've had many conversations with foster parents, kinship carers (including many grans) and parents with ill babies in which we have explored sleep management. Listening to the child is key. Many long-term foster parents will have techniques for gradually helping babies to sleep on their own. The exact details and pace of that will vary.

None of this management should be confused with the choices that 'normal' families make. These however, are often influenced by cultural norms, by their housing situation, by who else cares for the baby and many others.

It's personal choice in my opinion, I could never listen to a baby cry when I knew it wasn't necessary because I could prevent their distress by being there. Tell me all you like that I was wrong but I can't change who I am and how I react.

I was a sw for over 30 years. I never ‘told’ a foster carers what to do in the way described by the OP. I’ve had many discussions where foster carers have described the awful piercing cries of babies withdrawing from drugs. The walking the floor, the way the fp would try to find what soothed the different babies.

My experience of most foster carers was ‘telling ‘ them anything wouldn’t be welcome 😏. It’s about listening, supporting and generally, appreciating the great things good foster carers achieve