Putting babies to sleep in thir cots .

What suits, I often got mine to sleep then laid them down, they’re all healthy adults with well adjusted grown up children of their own
No one way when it comes to babies in my opinion especially if you’ve got poor sleepers

In most situations where a very young baby is removed from the birth mother and cared for by foster parents, something has gone very wrong in that baby's short life - risk of physical abuse, emotional neglect, substance abuse. These are the very babies that absolutely need all the loving and safe connection possible.

If that was the worst thing I had done when raising children I would consider myself a parenting genius.

Absolutely agree with you Calipso and as a social worker myself I cannot agree with the social worker’s advice. All babies, but especially those who have experienced trauma, need help to form strong attachments and this can only be done through close contact with carers.

Would such a baby learn to settle themselves, or would they just learn not to cry because nobody comes? These babies have probably already learnt that and it is far from healthy.

I don’t think that social workers should be telling people what to do - suggesting maybe, but there are many ways to bring up babies. If it is a short-term placement maybe the baby needs consistency, but I often rocked mine to sleep in my arms. I put them to bed awake when they were old enough but if they were unhappy I comforted them. I felt that (as nightowl suggests) that ignoring a crying baby is cruel - they are communicating distress and are helpless. It’s up to the adults in their lives to help them. When they can understand speech you can explain that you are just downstairs (or whatever) but a baby won’t understand that.

I would never have expected a baby would "learn" how to put themselves to bed by removing their security. This is not "a big mistake"- it's a parenting/caring choice.

My parenting choice was to stay in contact with them (which may only mean sitting close by).
My sister-in-law put her babies to bed and let them cry till they "learned" to "self-soothe" because (basically) nobody was coming.

(Not a criticism of your choices Floradora9 as I note you said you didn't let babies cry.)

I don't regret being a "hold the baby" kind of mother, and like the foster parent in your book wouldn’t want to change.

I was a sw for over 30 years. I never ‘told’ a foster carers what to do in the way described by the OP. I’ve had many discussions where foster carers have described the awful piercing cries of babies withdrawing from drugs. The walking the floor, the way the fp would try to find what soothed the different babies.

My experience of most foster carers was ‘telling ‘ them anything wouldn’t be welcome 😏. It’s about listening, supporting and generally, appreciating the great things good foster carers achieve

It's personal choice in my opinion, I could never listen to a baby cry when I knew it wasn't necessary because I could prevent their distress by being there. Tell me all you like that I was wrong but I can't change who I am and how I react.

I was a Health Visitor almost all of my working life. I agree with those who point out that a fostering setting is very different from a birth family.
I've had many conversations with foster parents, kinship carers (including many grans) and parents with ill babies in which we have explored sleep management. Listening to the child is key. Many long-term foster parents will have techniques for gradually helping babies to sleep on their own. The exact details and pace of that will vary.

None of this management should be confused with the choices that 'normal' families make. These however, are often influenced by cultural norms, by their housing situation, by who else cares for the baby and many others.

I can’t imagine leaving a baby to cry itself to sleep. It saddens me to even think of it.

It's so heartening to read the educated and wise responses of Gransnetters here!
In antenatal classes I tell this story: "once upon a time there were two Stone Age mothers who each had a baby. One baby went straight to sleep when his mother put him under a tree and everyone said 'what a good baby!' The other baby cried his head off when his mother put him down, and so she carried him around on her back, or wrapped in a bit of fur round her front while she got on with her Stone Age work, and everyone said 'what a difficult baby!' One day a tiger came along and found the 'good' baby asleep under the tree. And the tiger ate him up. Which baby do you reckon your baby is descended from?"

There are more important issues to worry about re. childcare!! I put my children into their cots awake , if they didn't settle quickly I lifted them and rocked them in my arms till they slept. It's a very personal choice, but leaving children to cry for long periods is never a good idea. Caring for foster children is very different, these children may well have had a very difficult time in their short lives and need that very secure connection with a foster mother. The love they receive in foster care will stand them in good stead when hopefully they are placed with loving parents.

Nannarose I wasn't assuming our "own" babies from loving homes are the same as foster babies.

In my opinion no babies should very left to settle alone if they need cuddles.
And no, I wouldn't leave anyone crying alone, child or adult, unless it was clear they wanted to be left.

Whatever works is what we were told. So baby one was put in the cot and went to sleep. Baby two liked someone to stroke them as they dozed off.
We didn’t leave them crying, even though that was quite fashionable at the time.
Son-in-law 1 nursed both theirs until they were asleep. They often woke on the way upstairs, but settled off again quite quickly. They rarely went out in the evening because the babies would only settle with him (or so he believed. We weren’t allowed to try).
DD2 put hers in the cot to go to sleep, and they did. We baby-sat for them more often because they could make arrangements for specific times.

Nana rose - apologies, I meant to mention the key health visitor role especially with looked after children

To reply: NotSpaghetti (wonderful username!) I was meaning generally in this conversation, not your post specifically. Iam64, didn't occur to me, no apology needed.

Generally, there are some situations where parents feel they have no option but to leave their baby to 'cry it out'. I would support those who felt they could not cope otherwise, usually in very awkward situations. The parent needed to feel supported and helped, not criticised.

Why its baby is distressed would you/anyone go against instinct and not comfort. As a mother I worked out hungry cries, tired cries, and so forth I still believe in a mother’s instinct. They thrive on routines. Interestingly I still care for tiny babies now.

True Nannarose - better than harming that's for sure.

Well, if the foster mother whose book you read was from India or of Indian parentage, that is exactly how Indian households have got babies to sleep for centuries. And it seems to have worked just as well as our "put that child in her bed" attitude.

Calipso

In most situations where a very young baby is removed from the birth mother and cared for by foster parents, something has gone very wrong in that baby's short life - risk of physical abuse, emotional neglect, substance abuse. These are the very babies that absolutely need all the loving and safe connection possible.

The babies we had were less than a week old so nothing had gone wrong with their lives. I just think if they do not learn to fall asleep by themselves it causes trouble later on especially as you do not know what their next home is like . I have walked miles with babies who were upset or ill but to do this with toddlers not a good idea. Never have I left a baby to cry if they did not settle down .

Iam64

I was a sw for over 30 years. I never ‘told’ a foster carers what to do in the way described by the OP. I’ve had many discussions where foster carers have described the awful piercing cries of babies withdrawing from drugs. The walking the floor, the way the fp would try to find what soothed the different babies.

My experience of most foster carers was ‘telling ‘ them anything wouldn’t be welcome 😏. It’s about listening, supporting and generally, appreciating the great things good foster carers achieve

I was only quoting from the book I was reading . My daughter is a SW by the way .

@Floradora9
The babies we had were less than a week old so nothing had gone wrong with their lives

So much can damage development long before they are born: substance abuse, high cortisol levels where there is domestic abuse and so much more. But if you have fostered, you will of course be aware of this

foetal alcohol syndrome.
the idea of babies under a week old, putting themselves to bed, is quite startling.
even without FAS.
maybe give them a timetable and a feeding bottle attached to the bars of the cot, bit like a hamster.

Not sure if you were trying to be funny there Welbeck
I'm sure the majority of us understood perfectly the OP's phrase 'putting to bed'. Perhaps you would better understand 'self settling'?