Always being on call for my elderly neighbour.

Hi Sm63. I could never do that, it would have to be done on a face to face basis but knowing my friend/neighbour, I honestly do not know how she would take it. At the beginning, a few years ago when we went to Friendship groups etc. everything was okay then slowly it became obvious that she looked on me as more of a helper than someone to go out and about with because I had technology at my fingertips and that meant she did not have to get involved with it even though I told her to get a laptop and pay for a Broadband account and I would teach her the basics but it was too much trouble when she had someone who could do it for her. I really made a rod for my own back by being helpful and I didn't expect it to backfire on me like it has. I would not have honestly minded showing her the ropes of technology as I absolutely love it but it is the other things that have crept in, carrying bags, pushing trollies, paying for meals etc. it has got to the stage she has taken me fo granted and it has now got to stop.

Yes I agree,be honest but kind. You could put it in a nice card and pop it in her door,maybe?💖

Thank you all for your great advice. Like I said before,I am going to have to tackle this head on before it gets really out of control otherwise I will be getting calls in the middle of the night asking me to go round as she is ill.

enmeshed.

I said that earlier Grandmabatty. I’m almost going down the symbiotic relationship theory now. (Duck down!).

you should not have told her how clever you are at everything in my opinion. Of course she then thought how useful you could be!

I think your problem now is you are making excuses but she needs to know that you are no longer prepared to do all that she is asking. You are going to have to be assertive and tell her straight. "I will not take your stuff to a charity shop. Make your own arrangements." And so on. By making excuses, you are allowing her to think you'll give in.

I think I will leave it there as the problem is down to me to get a backbone. I appreciate everyones advice but it is easier said than done but I will make a concious effort to sort the problem out even if it means telling lies and saying that I am washing my hair, not feeling well, going to the doctors or hospital etc. I will see how it enfolds after the New Year.

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate your advice.

I understand what you mean but my friend (neighbour) is perfectly okay to do her own shopping and is great at making lists out so there is no problem there, the main problem is she is always asking me for help with shortening her skirts, making phone calls for her to businesses as I get free calls with my broadband package and free calls with my mobile but she only has a pay as you go phone and has to pay for landline calls. I have told her to change it to a new sim card with an account but she has to have an email address which of course she cannot get on her old fashioned mobile, so she comes to me to make these calls as I get them for free with my packages. I have explained that they are not free as I pay a monthly amount to both the accounts but she cannot understand that as far as she is concerned, I get free mobile and free landline calls and that is all she is bothered about. I tried to talk her into getting a smart phone but no, which I was glad of as I knew I would be the one setting it up and there is no way on this earth could she have organised an email address through the smartphone so I didn't push it. She wanted to go to EE and have a look at the phones but because they wanted an email address to set the account up for the sim card she wanted me to give them my email address so all her details would come to me and if there was a problem I could sort it out. I told her NO. if she wanted a smart phone then she had to ask her sons to give her their email address or show her how to set it up on the new smartphone so she decided to stay with the pay as you go.

This week as been the best week I have had as I now do not answer the phone when I see her number pop up. Today I made an error and answered the phone without checking and she asked me to go out shopping tomorrow as she wanted to take some things to a charity shop and they were too heavy for her to carry so I said no, our son was coming over and was staying the night and then she asked about Wednesday next week so I said no, he was coming again to stay over, I wasn't lying as he is coming over on both those days as now it is leading up to Christmas he stays over a lot as he lives quite a long way away but meets up with his old school friends in my city. So I have got the next two weeks clear and if I want to go out on my own our son will drop me off wherever I want to go and then goes home so I will get a taxi home after having a few hours out on my own at the Christmas market. My friend told me about the Christmas market and I said I was going to go so she asked to go with me but there is noway she can be on her feet longer than 30 minutes so I told her I was going with our son. I also told her to ring the charity shop and they will collect the items she has but she said there was not enough for a van to take them so she will wait until I am free. Can you imagine, having to carry a big black bag of clothes and shoes, I think she thinks I am 20 years old and not 81.

I agree with Germanshepherdsmum - her demands are likely to increase.

We've all told you, effectively, the same as your sons. But because you're of a kindly disposition, you seem reluctant to do the only thing that will put a stop to her abuse of your good nature.

My fear is that you will end up becoming entangled with her needs in such a way that you will find it difficult to extricate yourself from the situation which could blight your remaining years. If her family - and eventually, social services - believe that you are that good neighbour who is prepared to take on the responsibility of an unpaid carer, they will all simply leave you to it and you'll end up with her becoming your responsibility. To the point possibly where you can't evade her via stepping into a taxi or ignoring her calls.

This happened to me some years ago. Elderly neighbours suddenly became very frightened by life in general.one of their adult sons died and his wife remarried. They were appalled as they felt she should have mourned him for ever with them and also look after them in their old age. Their second son had detached himself somewhat so they latched onto me . I was new to the area and honestly glad to have people to talk to but when things I helped them with turned sour it was difficult. I arranged food deliveries for them but they didnt say they had enough of something so cupboards were bursting with food they couldn’t eat. I arranged a cleaning lady for them but they accused her of stealing when she had changed their bed and took the dirty sheets to wash( the old lady was hand washing sheets for some reason) . They then demanded that I did their cleaning and so it went on. I got the son’s phone number and every time they asked something I phoned the son. In the end he persuaded them into temporary care while the house was made more suitable for them. The old lady thrived and stayed on. Her husband declined rapidly.

I honestly don't think that is the problem as they are all named in her will and have power of attorney so if they wanted to get her money earlier they could say that she is unfit to take care of herself, which she isn't. She is a capable woman who like me does all her own cleaning and washing, changes her bed and gets a shower every single day. She has a part-time gardener and diy man, like I have, so her health is not the problem but if anything goes wrong she rings me.

Our sons have told me the same as yourselves that this is her family's business and not mine and to put a stop to it as I am the same age as her and I should be looking after myself not looking after someone else who is taking advantage of me.

I worry that you say you will cut down but not cut her off.. If you continue to do anything for her then her needs and demands will only increase. She will become more and more incapable and demanding and you will find it increasingly difficult to say no. She is manipulative and you are by nature kind, caring and unassertive. She has recognised that. She has found herself a free carer. Please put an end to it. She is not your responsibility.

My only other suggestion is to move house. I don't mean that flippantly, *GrannyGrunter *- I have read various posts on both Gransnet and Mumsnet over the years where people have resorted to such drastic action in order to escape situations like this.

After all you (and your late husband) sacrificed over the years for the sake of others, you very much deserve better than this now, but the only way to help ensure that this will happen is to deal with the situation one way or another.
I feel for you, and really hope that things will work out for you. 💐

I could not be so cruel as to send someone else round to tell her that I won't be helping her again, this is down to me to sort out.

I agree GrannyGrunter

I agree, she is very thick skinned and she has told me that she does not want to involve her family as they are busy people

This also highlights a POSSIBLE financial abuse fear ...not wanting to involve her family!! .

Oldnproud

GrannyGrunter

Than you all, I agree, she is very thick skinned and she has told me that she does not want to involve her family as they are busy people. I told her that when my dad died when I was 25, my mum was only 55 but we looked after her until she died aged 85, taking her shopping, on holidays, visiting her during the week even though it took me three buses to get to her house and decorating for her etc. She says times have changed and that no longer happens but I told her that my son takes me on holidays once a year and out for meals and I spend Christmas and the New Year with each of them. I know I don't see much of our family during the year but one phone call and they would be here for me. If my neighbour makes a phone call it is always to me.

When her TV broke down the other day, I told her I couldn't come until after the weekend and she said she could not do without her TV for that long so I toldher to ring an electrician, she said it would cost her too much money and I would do it for free. So off I walked to her house at 5 pm in the evening, in the dark and fixed it. She had pressed something on her remote which gave her a blank screen. I then walked back home at 6 pm in the dark. This is why I no longer answer the phone without checking who the caller is, if it is her then I don't answer.

Your second second paragraph there really highlights the problem, GrannyGrunter.

Why on earth did you give in and go round after saying that you couldn't/ wouldn't do it until after the weekend? Her excuse of "It would cost too much money and I would do it for free" should have been irrelevant.

I really dont understand why you didnt simply repeat that it would have to be after the weekend? That isn't confrontational, it's just reiterating your positiom.

She is behaving like a wilful, manipulative child with a weak parent, who has learnt that she can always get her way if she keeps throwing tantrums, pestering or sulking.
As every parent knows, you have lay down the ground rules, then be strong enough to hold your ground unless you are happy to put up with such behaviour for many years to come.

At the moment, you are your own worst enemy, because you are enabling your neighbour's bad behaviour.

I do understand your hating confrontation, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen if you take a stand against this woman, apart from the temporary anxiety that you might experience while doing it ? My guess is that she might stop speaking to you, but in your position I would be quite happy with that outcome.

Be brave, take a deep breath and stand up for yourself - it will be worth it!

This is all spot on OldnProud

GrannyGrunter you are actually making the problem worse, allowing her to control your life and doing nothing really that will change the status quo. Unless you are willing to plan your responses to her requests and then use them nothing will change, in fact it will get worse. As OldnProud says that is not confrontational; you have told her what you can do, stick to it regardless of her emotional blackmail!

I also posted some suggested responses to scenarios you described, in an earlier post, which you might find helpful if you cant quite face stopping with the coffee and cake etc and shopping etc.

Having said that I do still see some red flags regarding potential financial abuse by family ...her money worries and fear of spending and the fact that her family went through her papers ring alarm bells. I do think a look at the Age UK website (I posted a link previously) would be wise.

The messages on here GrannyGrunter are loud and clear you do need to cut her off completely or you will forever be at her beck and call. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? Put yourself first what do you want, how do you see your future life panning out, will or won't she be part of it. Only you can decide how much longer you want to be a doormat for! Sorry if this sounds harsh but the ball is in your court.

I could not be so cruel as to send someone else round to tell her that I won't be helping her again, this is down to me to sort out. I can't cut her off completely as I could not hurt someone like that but I will cut it down a lot.

She has a lovely comfortable home with no money worries, just like me but she seems incapable of keeping up with the modern times. As I have said, I love technology, I have smart phones, smart watches, tablets, ear buds, laptops and a smart tv and they are all worked via Alexa and this keeps me young but many people like my friend (neighbour) have not kept up with the times and this affects their mental health. She listens to the tv for the news and has her milk and newspapers still delivered to the house, she is living in a world that is long gone, more is the pity as I too preferred life before technology but now I am 80, being computer literate has made my life so much easier but my friend, even though she is still in the pre-technology era, relies on me for so much.

I will sort it out, with Christmas and the New Year coming I will be busy with my own family so I will wait until 2024 and start to make other arrangements.

Thank you all again.

I too favour the truthful and blunt approach.

Most of us have at least one "friend" of this type.

They do not take hints, so the only way forward is to say you are sorry, but you no longer are able to help her.

If she asks why not, say pleasantly that you are tired of helping someone who never does anything in return.

Even if she offered to pay your petrol and the coffee you and she have when you are shopping, it wouldn't help all that much,

Tell her frankly that you have other and better things to do than run her errand

Your neighbour is using you, or rather misusing your good nature. Put your foot down.

She will soon stop when she realises you expect her to do something in return.

Sending a "heavy" round uninvited could be interpreted as harrassment.
However a well worded letter with a copy to the family should resolve the situation. As suggested above a weekend break would do you good.

She has family and they will have to step up...if she had no family you may well feel differently. But she has and they could be excused for thinking you are happy to be her unpaid carer.

You have done more than most people would do so have nothing to feel even slightly guilty about. Well done you, but now it's time to concentrate on you. Get that letter written and through her letter box and book yourself some treats.

As she doesn’t claim attendance allowance I wonder if you could engineer a visit from Age UK (or whatever they’re called now) at which you are present, on the pretext of seeing if she is entitled to anything over and above the SP (perhaps best not to mention ‘benefits’)? As she’s so tight fisted she might agree - and her real inability to look after herself can come tumbling out. On the surface you’re doing her a favour - but the home truths which come out and your admission that at 81 you just can’t do everything she needs may mean she tells you never to darken her door again. 🤞

Well I still say recruit a male friend or relative - preferably one who can be quite terse - to go an see her. It can be quite intimidating to be confronted by a stranger who instructs you not to harass or contact his aunt/sister/cousin again without going through him. Ive done it several times and never heard from the person again because they were scared off with hints of "the authorities" or "further action".

Once you have gone a way along a road and invested in a relationship with someone it can be very difficult and scary to suddenly have that route cut off.

Alternately contact one of her adult children or other family member and say to them what you have to us.

... no, not "a" cathartic... just, cathartic. !

Good Luck GrannyGrunter.

Please be firm - your neighbour is extraordinarily thick-skinned so you really need to make yourself clear. It won't be easy, but it will be a cathartic when it's over!