Should guests dictate the menu?

merlotgran

I’m coeliac so my friends all offer me gf biscuits if I go for coffee. When we all go somewhere together, like U3A meetings and coffee is offered, I don’t eat anything. I just say no thanks to the biscuits and leave it at that.

Coeliac DD were asked by a friend we're visiting soon if they are able to eat meat.
🤔

I suppose the suggestion of nibbles could be because they think it’s less effort to open a few packets than to make a lasagne

My thought too.

Some people can't eat wheat pasta (or wheat anything) and/or may be lactose intolerant but they should either let you know beforehand or bring their own nibbles if that is what will be on offer.

I wasn't really asking about food intolerances, but about people who assume that being offered one thing is a gateway to asking for anything they fancy.

It is totally different if you ask someone to a dinner party, or they are staying with you - of course you will then find out their likes and dislikes, as well as requirements such as vegetarianism. But if you just happen to be at someone's house and they offer you lemonade, how is it ok to say 'no, but I'll have a gin and tonic please'? That's no different from expecting coffee when you're offered tea (or vice versa) or biscuits when you're offered cake.

Have you all seen Two Doors Down? That sort of entitlement reminds me of Christine on that .

It’s entirely possible to have gluten intolerance but not be coeliac. Many conditions like IBS are helped by avoiding gluten.

There is a specific Christmas event in my town and it became a custom for me to host five friends for an early dinner and we would then go to the event. At the beginning there was one friend who had been vegetarian for all the years I’d known her so that certainly wasn’t a fad. I made a big pasta and bolognese dish with a separate one for her using Quorn which she used herself at home. All good. A couple of years later friend no. 2 requested no pasta as she didn’t eat it any more. No idea why but I managed. The third year friend no. 3 decided she had coeliac disease. “Well, not actually coeliac but certainly an intolerance to gluten.” The fourth year rolled around, now with many of my options crossed off the list so I was struggling. Another friend, who I was very fond of but she was a drama queen decided she had a nut allergy. Both this and coeliac were self-diagnosed btw. That was when I called a halt and washed my hands of the entire thing.

I would be so happy to have been asked and whatever food on offer would be enjoyed.

Doodledog

*The two things I have been confronted with and could not eat were jugged hare and sauteed chicken livers.*
To be fair, they are not the sort of thing that most people would offer to the unwary .

I did get some odd things to eat when I used to go to SE Asia with work. Chicken feet are a particular (and horrible) memory. They had hundreds of tiny bones that you sort of suck through your teeth and spit into a napkin, and are otherwise gelatinous.

The jugged hare was a test by an arrogant lady. I would have tried harder if I had jot some breast meat but I got all the vertebrae!!!
I'm not too fond of offal and the hostess must have known it was not to everyone's taste she plonked half a grapefruit in front of me when she saw me playing with the liver.
Maybe that's why DH didn't get the job he wanted and we were sent to the Wild West of Northumberland instead of the city. The poor chap sitting next to me was so worked up he ate his soup with his dessert spoon and when the chocolate mousse was served she smirked as he tried to get his soup spoon into the ramekin.
Our daughter lived in Hong Kong and she told me about chicken feet and some other delicacies, she always laughed and said the Chinese would eat anything with a leg except tables and chairs.

I’m coeliac so my friends all offer me gf biscuits if I go for coffee. When we all go somewhere together, like U3A meetings and coffee is offered, I don’t eat anything. I just say no thanks to the biscuits and leave it at that.

It depends on the circumstances. When I am entertaining someone - for a meal or longer then I will ask them whether they haveany strong likes and dislikes or any eating specifics - lke being a vegetarian. And I think this is how a good host/hostess should act.

However, while I would always offer a choice of hot drinks, I would consider a guest who asked for biscuits, which were not otherwise available when I had only provided cake very ill mannered.

Mid-morning/afternoon/evening refreshments are not a meal and it is quite normal not to eat between meals, so if you do not want to eat what is on offer, you do not eat and do not say anything.

The exception would be a clear medical need. If someone was diabetic, they may need to avoid cake, but need to eat something and want a cream cracker or similar.

PaperMonster

Yes DoodleDog it was addressed to you. If I was in that situation, I would ensure that at the very least I’d have tea and coffee in to be hospitable. If I was making food to eat, I’d ensure I was aware of dietary requirements. If I was attending your meeting and had been advised there would be food though, I’d either check ahead or bring my own with me - no doubt I’d be considered rude for doing that, but my health is more important than concerning myself with someone else thinking me rude.

Have you actually read my posts?

I have pointed out several times that if I am entertaining I find out dietary requirements and cater to them. At a meeting - and there is no food, as it is a business thing - where hospitality is offered as an extra (I get no expenses or pay for using my dining room) I really think it is very entitled to expect anything at all, and if something is offered that is not to your linking the polite thing to do is simply say no thank you and leave it at that. It's a drink and a biscuit, which is freely given - if you want something else, then the polite thing to do is wait until you get home, surely?

Cossy

Personally, I’d check my guests to see any veggie/vegans/allergies, provide for all, have a selection of alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks and if my guests don’t like it 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I do too. WhatsApp makes it a doodle.

AGAA4

I think it must be how people are brought up. If I am invited either for a meeting or a social event to someone's house I would thankfully take whatever was on offer. I am always aware that I am a guest and behave accordingly. To put your host to extra trouble seems rude to me.

I totally agree . My mother and grandmothers never gave us a choice. Unless they knew we really hated something, like liver. Or in my sisters case eggs . We ate what was on our plate . As a guest , I accept what I’m given . Luckily I’m not a picky eater or have allergies or intolerances .

AGAA4

This is exactly how I was brought up, and always eat/drink what I’m offered if fortunate enough to be invited into someone’s house as a guest

Personally, I’d check my guests to see any veggie/vegans/allergies, provide for all, have a selection of alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks and if my guests don’t like it 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

...always have to offer gluten free; one is eaten and the rest go to waste because the GF won't take them home.

Tesco have Nairn gluten-free biscuits, six varieties, on their website.
They're in boxes which contain four individual pouches, each with four biscuits in.
That might help with your waste problem eazybee?

Yes DoodleDog it was addressed to you. If I was in that situation, I would ensure that at the very least I’d have tea and coffee in to be hospitable. If I was making food to eat, I’d ensure I was aware of dietary requirements. If I was attending your meeting and had been advised there would be food though, I’d either check ahead or bring my own with me - no doubt I’d be considered rude for doing that, but my health is more important than concerning myself with someone else thinking me rude.

We always cater for our vegetarian daughter in law and our vegan daughter. We know what they eat/don’t eat and cater accordingly.

I’m also with Doodledog all the way too.

I think if a guest is offered cake and says no, but I’d like a biscuit, is plain rude. I would be especially offended because I make my own cakes. ‘No thank you’ is sufficient. I go to a group which meets for lunch every couple of months and I always take a cake I’ve made myself. I vary the type of cakes I bake. One time, for the first time, I made a coffee and walnut cake. One or two people were quite rude in saying they don’t like coffee cake. I don’t have to bake, I could just go and buy one. I thought for them to say ‘no thanks’ was sufficient, no need to say they don’t like coffee cake, given I’d made the effort to actually make a cake. Some of them even started suggesting what type of cake I should make next time. I thought that rude, as I didn’t ask for suggestions.

With Doodledog all the way.

How about at your next meeting, just have a couple of carafes of water on offer.
That's what seems to be on the table at most business meetings.
Ungrateful lot! Bah bumbug..

Ever since I first encountered vegetarianism, I have been intrigued by the fact that the meat eating hosts always cater for the vegetarians whereas I've never known the reverse situation to occur. Always seems rather one sided to me but.....has never stopped me from accepting or offering hospitality. Oh no, much too fond of the companionship!

The two things I have been confronted with and could not eat were jugged hare and sauteed chicken livers.
To be fair, they are not the sort of thing that most people would offer to the unwary .

I did get some odd things to eat when I used to go to SE Asia with work. Chicken feet are a particular (and horrible) memory. They had hundreds of tiny bones that you sort of suck through your teeth and spit into a napkin, and are otherwise gelatinous.

AGAA4

I think it must be how people are brought up. If I am invited either for a meeting or a social event to someone's house I would thankfully take whatever was on offer. I am always aware that I am a guest and behave accordingly. To put your host to extra trouble seems rude to me.

I am like that as well. I don't drink tea but will if it is given and try to eat what I am given.
The two things I have been confronted with and could not eat were jugged hare and sauteed chicken livers.
DH had colleagues of all faiths I had to cater for. We have a vegetarian in the family. He checked beforehand for me and I tried to supply what they could eat it is easier at a meal than a buffet.
I do agree more diverse requirements seem to be expected or even asked for than when I was young. Your host is doing you the favour you should try to show appreciation by eating what they supply when you can.

AGAA4

I think it must be how people are brought up. If I am invited either for a meeting or a social event to someone's house I would thankfully take whatever was on offer. I am always aware that I am a guest and behave accordingly. To put your host to extra trouble seems rude to me.

Agreed.

I prepare meals for my husband's workers. Nothing fancy, just easy food. Coffee, decaf, tea bag assortment, white sugar, milk, oat milk, cold water and the food. I occasionally ask if anyone is gf, allergic. No.

I make not-vegan breakfast and vegan lunch - leftovers of the day prior are in the fridge along with fresh fruit and veg.

I assume the men are able to self sort their preferences, I only hear 'thank you'. As it should be. I also assume they could bring/procure their own food, no matter the distance out to our area - they owe me polite behaviour.

Rudeness is unacceptable.

I always have to offer gluten free; one is eaten and the rest go to waste because the GF won't take them home

Can’t you keep them? What happens to other left over biscuits?

AGAA4

I think it must be how people are brought up. If I am invited either for a meeting or a social event to someone's house I would thankfully take whatever was on offer. I am always aware that I am a guest and behave accordingly. To put your host to extra trouble seems rude to me.

That's exactly how I see it, AGAA4.

nexus, I do understand that there are times when people may not particularly like a dish that's offered, but unless they are in a restaurant where there is a menu to choose from, I think it's just hard lines, really. I could equally say that I am not a fan of 'beige food', which is usually what you get when offered 'nibbles', unless the host has really gone to town and spent £££ or days in the kitchen. Sausage rolls, breaded 'things', crisps, sliced meat and raw vegetable sticks with dips are not my favourite food at all, but I will eat them if that's what's on offer, and do so as graciously as I can.

All the people 'helpfully' suggesting alternatives on MN were just substituting the host's generous offer with their own preferences, which may not be the choice of other invitees. 'You can't please all of the people all of the time', as I believe Lincoln pointed out.