Should guests dictate the menu?

I tend to offer tea or coffee but only because I've been caught out by this is the past.

If I go to someone's house I drink whatever they make if they don't offer a choice. Like the OP I was brought up to eat/drink whatever was offered.

There are times I have eaten foods that I hate simply on the grounds that someone took the time/trouble and the expense to provide it for me. A wonderful old lady used to always buy sliced pork and tinned cream each time I went for tea. Both were expensive to her and she thought she was giving me a treat. I wouldn't have dreamed of throwing that back in her face.

I wouldn't expect a vegan, vegetarian or someone with an allergy to eat/drink something unsuitable but everyone else should just be grateful that I've gone to the trouble to feed them.

I think it must be how people are brought up. If I am invited either for a meeting or a social event to someone's house I would thankfully take whatever was on offer. I am always aware that I am a guest and behave accordingly. To put your host to extra trouble seems rude to me.

maybe the reason for the nibbles is that people might not want to sit down to a meal after christmas day, i would feel uncomfortble as i do not like lasagne, i would prefer sandwiches, crackers, cheese, cake biscuits and crisps for people to pick at. at my house it is tea, coffee or cans like pepsi/tango etc as i do not drink tea or coffee, but usually have it in for visitors. i don't even eat christmas dinner so i stay home now as the few times i went out it was awkward as i only ate some roast potatoes as i dislike turkey or beef. i think these days people have so much choice and tend to speak up more about what they want or don't want.

Smileless2012

^I think it would be very rude of you to expect it, quite frankly^ I agree Doodledog.

Thank you Smileless. I was beginning to think I was way out of step there.

I am usually a generous host, and do my best to accommodate people I know. I know F&F dislikes and peculiarities, and always ask if I'm hosting new people. It's the entitlement that irritates me, particularly when the people in question are relative strangers.

I think it would be very rude of you to expect it, quite frankly I agree Doodledog.

PaperMonster

I think it would be rude not to offer a choice of tea or coffee. I would be unable to eat what you’re serving - are you not checking for dietary requirements?

Is that addressed to me?

My house was being used for a meeting - a committee-type thing that I belong to. I live nearest to the organisation's venue so people can easily get here if they park there, so I offered the use of a room once a month. I only know the attendees from the meetings, and an occasional chat in the venue - we all go at different times and for different reasons.

I am under no obligation to offer anyone anything at all. In what way would it be rude of me not to know or take into account your requirements in those circumstances? I think it would be very rude of you to expect it, quite frankly.

I always take into account people's dietary requirements if they're vegetarian/vegan/gluten free. If I was at someone's house and offered cake, I wouldn't ask for a biscuit. If I didn't want cake I'd simply decline.

I agree keepcalmandcavachon that the kindness of hosting can be taken for granted.

fancythat

I have a range of things available.

If people are staying for a while, I ask them what they would like for "treats".

I have a snack cupboard that people can always help themselves from.

It's very different when you are staying with someone, though. Of course I would go out of my way to accommodate that, and ask if there is anything they would like me to add to the shopping list before they arrive.

I'm talking about casual invitations, or when a drink is offered in a meeting-type situation, and people assume that being offered one thing means that they are entitled to ask for anything. As an example, at one of the meetings I'm talking about I had made lemonade (it was summer!) and asked if people would like a glass, as it was chilling in the fridge. Again, I got the 'no thanks, but I'd love a cup of tea with oat milk, please' comments, so I ended up boiling the kettle, getting out cups, mugs and glasses, and missing part of the meeting. Not everyone likes lemonade, but nobody asked for a glass of water, which I would have done if I were in that situation.

I don't lose sleep over this - I was just musing, by the way

I think it would be rude not to offer a choice of tea or coffee. I would be unable to eat what you’re serving - are you not checking for dietary requirements?

I have a range of things available.

If people are staying for a while, I ask them what they would like for "treats".

I have a snack cupboard that people can always help themselves from.

We don't have instant coffee in the house so if we go somewhere where they only have instant we don't drink it. We only drink green tea and take it with us when we go to stay with friends/family who don't drink it. We do have a small supply of Tetley or similar tea bags because many people only drink that.

We do tailor meals to what our guests can or will eat especially if they are staying with us for a few days so within reason we cater for vegans, veggies and fishies. Conversely we tell those inviting us that we eat everything except battery chicken. That seems to work quite well. We have found that some people are not rigid about veganism, for example.

Agree Doodledog, so much choice every where has made for some very entitled people. One could run around like a headless chicken second guessing everyone's preferences!
The kindness of hosting can be taken for granted! If you have intolerances surely you would bring suitable alternatives
Spoke to a friend yesterday who despite not being on top form is having a Christmas dinner party today, carefully planning/shopping etc. Had a phone call yesterday "my friend has come to visit so I'll bring her along"

I do offer both tea and coffee - sorry, I don't think that was clear in the OP - but it's a business-type meeting, not a social event, and I don't think it would be rude of me if I didn't - IMO it is rude to expect a choice. For something like that (as opposed to a more social thing), the host is offering to provide what they are offering, not to accommodate preferences as though their house is a cafe. It's a bit like offering someone a polo mint and their saying 'no thanks, but do you have any Opal Fruits' .

That does sound a bit draconian, I realise, and as I say, I do have both tea and coffee, but when people start asking for decaffeinated or non-dairy milk etc I get a bit irritated. It is one thing making a quick pot of tea, but another to faff about with fruit teas, cafetières and different milks, and being expected to lay on a spread of biscuits, cake and whatever else someone would prefer.

When it comes to meals, as I said I always check for religious/ethical obligations and general dislikes, as it's easy to accommodate those (unless there is a vegan who doesn't like veg and is gluten-intolerant ), but if I'd said I was going to make lasagne and people started saying I should do other things, I'd be taken aback, as it wouldn't occur to me to do that.

You're right, Baggs, that one large meal is cheaper than 'nibbles', and it's a lot easier than faffing about with different oven timings and temperatures to heat them up - and that's assuming you buy them in, rather than making them yourself, which is very time consuming.

If I had onerous dietary constraints or preferences I would bring my own biscuits or whatever, rather than assuming that others would just accommodate them. Again, close friends and family notwithstanding.

I am so pleased when someone cooks for me and I certainly wouldn’t want to make any comments. I’m like a baby bird - feed me please!

always have to offer gluten free; one is eaten and the rest go to waste because the GF won't take them home.

A friend of mine always brings her own GF foods to any gathering because she says it's wrong and wasteful for others to buy them and then throw them out because they don't eat them, and she'd feel bad taking the extras home every time. For many gatherings that just means bringing her own biscuit or bread roll etc the rest of the catering is fine for her.

Making a lasagne or the meat/veg chilli Tenko mentions may well turn out a good deal cheaper than a variety of nibbles.

I think you're right, doodledog, about there being so much choice generally nowadays, that people expect it, rather unreasonably imo, everywhere.

The extent of allergies and chosen restricted diets seem to be a fairly modern thing too.

I host a meeting for 11 people, have done for years, and I need to offer tea, coffee, decaffeinated coffee, camomile, fruit tea, lemon and ginger and peppermint tea, plus biscuits, always have to offer gluten free; one is eaten and the rest go to waste because the GF won't take them home.

Haven't been asked for oat/almond milk yet but it is bound to come. In my opinion, affectation, apart from gluten free; no other group I host has so many different preferences.
The only thing I can't bear is milk put in first; one hostess insists on doing this because tannin stains the cups and she always puts too much in.

I agree it should be up to the host but I’ve got family members and friends who are vegan , vegetarian, gluten or diary intolerant and it’s a minefield. I sometimes feel like saying byo!
I always ask for dietary requirements and try to accommodate them , sometimes making several dishes .
However I find that they never reciprocate. My lactose tolerance friends only provide plant milks if I go for coffee . Although I totally understand if my vegan and vegetarian friends don’t want to handle animal products.
As for the Boxing Day post on mm , I used to do a New Year’s Day party and do a chilli , meat and a veg . You can prep it in advance and freeze it , so much easier than nibbles . And if served in bowl with a fork it’s easy to eat standing up .

It got me thinking that we were brought up to take what we were given, be happy with it, and stay quiet if we weren't exactly how I was brought up. Offered a choice you expressed your preference, but if not offered a choice you accepted what was given. Only in the case of allergies was 'pickiness' valid.

Of course we all want our guests to be comfortable but I think it's a bit much when several different people want to go "off piste" not because they can't eat/drink what's on offer either through allergy or just real dislike, but just because they'd prefer something else. I will always cater to dietary needs in the case of food intolerance or a guest being vegan/vegetarian.

I think there should always, within reason, be a choice, particularly about small things like drinks and snacks. As someone who doesn’t like coffee, I find it rude not to be offered a choice of coffee or something else, but recognise people don’t have to cater to my tastes. I would always ask if yea was an option, as it’s so simple to make, imo.

For bigger occasions, I try to find out if anyone has allergies, religious restrictions, is veggie/vegan, or has strong dislikes, and try to offer a choice or two to suit.

If I am inviting guests, I cater to guests as the planned evening is about them for me

If I invite a vegan friend then oat milk will be in my shop and likewise I would have hot drinks like tea available that I don't drink

But then, my friends walk in, help themselves to tea and are always welcome to raid the cupboards if they are hungry lol

I suppose the suggestion of nibbles could be because they think it’s less effort to open a few packets than to make a lasagne but in general, I agree with your point. If I don’t like what’s on offer, I just don’t partake. It’s not difficult, I’m not going to starve to death because there is nothing I want to eat/drink on one particular occasion.

Allergies are different, of course, but ime people will generally let you know beforehand about that. A severely nut-allergic friend always has her own snacks with her anyway, just in case there is nothing suitable. Another friend who doesn’t drink tea or coffee always has fruit/herbal teabags in her handbag, she doesn’t expect people to be able to produce a variety of items at short notice.

As a host I would never just offer coffee as not everyone drinks it and I would not want a guest to have nothing. I agree with your sister in that it wouldn’t bother me.

If the event was primarily about the food then I would want to provide what the guests would rather have, within reason, but if the event was about something else with nibbles etc just being a courtesy then it doesn’t matter so much if people didn’t want to have them.

My daughter keeps referring to me about what she is planning to serve over the few days we are stayng with her at Christmas. My answer is always ' Lovely darling whatever you think'. I'm glad someone else is doing the cooking.