Dilemma help needed

Just say No.

Tell him you need some time and you will call him when you are ready.

How old is your father Nannyof4mummyof2? I’m assuming as you’re 64 he must be in his mid eighties, so I wonder if he is relying on your support more as he’s getting older?

From what you’ve said, there doesn’t appear to be a single positive about this man. Why you would subject yourself, your son and husband to further doses of him I can’t imagine. Simply say no.

Casdon. How old is your father?

My thoughts exactly. He’s looking for a carer. If you’re not happy then you must let him know. It’s hard to say no in a situation such as yours, but in your shoes, It’s what I would do. Your husband and son must have their reasons and shouldn’t have to tolerate his behaviour.
I hope you can find a way to put him off staying with you. Finding the room is obviously a problem, so that’s a very good excuse to say no. I wish you well Nannyof4 💐

Yes in his 80s he is very independant still drives goes to footy sorts all his admin out better mobility than me very independant can keep going for hours eats well still smokes keeps home tidy uses a computor likes online shopping very sharp and on the ball

We used to have him to stay but have no room so he sorts out his own accomadation to visit which is a big expense

I know how it looks and its hard not having a father or father figure all your life then connecting again ive written a letter to him about not being abused and that i would walk away but that was not long after we first met

Being in a relationship is much about what you receive as what you can give. You should think about re iterating what you put in that letter not long after you first met, explaining how his behaviour hurts you as well as your husband and son, his GS, because they see you are hurting.

It must be hard, never having had a father figure in your life but that doesn't mean you should settle for one that causes you distress.

Say no to his visit and explain that as much as you want to have him in your life, things need to change if he's going to continue to be a part of yours .

Nannyof4mummyof2

We used to have him to stay but have no room so he sorts out his own accomadation to visit which is a big expense

Your expense?

This man abandoned you for 47 years. Exactly what do you owe him? Just say 'no'.

This man should be subserviently grateful that after all his years of selfish neglect, you have let him back into your life. The price for that should be that you call the shots and you decide how the relationship will be conducted.

You owe him absolutely nothing. You have no reason to even let him in your life. So just tell him firmly and politely that it is not possible. You do not need to give reason and if he tries to persuade you otherwise, get up and walk out of the room.

You have your husband and sons, you do not need this apology for a father in your life. So put some steel in your backbone and make clear to him that any relationship with you is going to be conducted on your terms and take charge.

Bear in mind, that if he finds anything better, he would still drop you like a hot brick, without a seconds remorse.

I’d urge caution. Take a step back, follow your instinct and work from there. Remember, your priority is you, your DH and your son. 💐

It's been a while since your post - how are things going with your Father?
Have you advised him that you'd rather he didn't stay with you?

Harsh I know , but you will benefit from not having him in your life.

I agree with MOnica, he was not there when you needed him, has turned up now when he might need you. Just tell the selfish old git that you have managed so far without him, and will continue to do so.

Hi thankyou for your post yes i have been keeping my distance and keeping communication to a minimum which has helped me tbh

Put your boundaries in now!
Your husband and son are far more objective than you, they see him for who he is.
You no doubt had a romantic view of him as a child and always yearned for his return, so it’s very understandable that you wanted to have a relationship with him.
He sounds like an unpleasant man and you have managed most of your life without him.
Be very careful.

He is not behaving like a father to you. Tell him all the things you dislike about his behaviour to you.
Your husband and son must come first, not him.
My father was a military man, and I lost him when I was 7, so I do know what it is like to grow up without a father, but I have a loving husband as do you..........
Best of luck........let us know how you get on please

My dad died suddenly in 1994 and I still miss him everyday. I was lucky my dad was wonderful as was my mum. I know people who were abandoned by dads and mums I know the scars they have.
I personally would not be interested in a parent who did this my interest would be only for my immediate family.
You will do what you feel you want to do but you should have no guilt what so ever.

Thankyou

To be blunt I think he’s realised he’s getting on in years and looking for a carer - and he doesn’t seem to have much about him that’s likeable from what you say. You have absolutely no obligation to this man given the events of the past, so if you’re going to continue contact with him I would suggest keeping it to a minimum, establishing firm boundaries and remembering that your husband and son take priority every time. I would also be mindful of the fact that your husband and son probably see him for what he is, so are worried for you.

I agree with M0nica too!

Paperchain

He is not behaving like a father to you. Tell him all the things you dislike about his behaviour to you.
Your husband and son must come first, not him.
My father was a military man, and I lost him when I was 7, so I do know what it is like to grow up without a father, but I have a loving husband as do you..........
Best of luck........let us know how you get on please

Just need to say, my Dad was a lovely, loving man. I lost him when I was 7, and know what it is like to grow up without a Dad.