I hate funerals me

Mel1967 I'm not the one who's hating, did you read what I posted

Biglouis, that is an insensitive remark! Although I recognize you are entitled to your opinion.
My father once said to me " you should always attend funerals it is the very last thing you can do for them"
Attending a funeral shows respect for the deceased and gives support to the bereaved.

biglouis

For some a funeral is a last opportunity to say goodbye.

For me, a funeral is just a vulgar show for the world. Grieving is done in the heart, not in the garments.

Of course grieving is done in the heart, but a funeral a vulgar show for the world? What a cynical remark! I’m sorry you have become so embittered about the human race.

As I mentioned before on a similar topic, when I casually remarked to my DD that many people now chose not to have a funeral and maybe that might suit me, my DD was having none of it. She obviously has a need to have a formal leave taking with family and friends even if I’m not bothered.

Baggs, I have similar memories of my parents funerals. They’d live good lives into their 80’s, their deaths were as peaceful as these things can be.

My husband died 6 months after a devastating, unexpected diagnosis. Even our GP wept. He was 71 and full of life, enthusiasms, an artist, published author, still writing and actively involved in our local arts group. His funeral was full of great memories, meet ups with friends, music, laughter and huge sadness.

Baggs

*The problem is funerals are associated with sadness and grief*

In general, yes, but not always. I loved my mother's funeral. I met people from all parts of her life from the age of ten, people she had been at school with during WW2, mothers of people I had been at school with, all my siblings and most of their offspring (we are a spread out family so this doesn't happen often), my children's cousins and second cousins, and so on.

It was not a sad occasion. It was a happy and respectful goodbye to a long-lived, good woman who had a peaceful death. This was almost five years ago and I wouldn't say I have felt much, if any, grief. Mum took a long time to fade out quietly so nothing was a shock. In the last five years, what I've mostly felt is more understanding about my mum, more appreciation of her qualities and weaknesses (we all have them!). That has been a kind of comfort, very different from the grief I felt when my dad died at a much younger age. I missed my dad. In some sense I still do. I don't miss my mum. Somehow her life seemed complete when she died. I simply remember her, and what she taught me, in all sorts of ways.

People who hate funerals can just stay away from them, surely?

Baggs, at my mother's funeral wake I said "My Mum would have loved this, seeing all the family and friends together in the local church hall!"
An uncle (her brother-in-law) gave me a good ticking off for saying that. She wasn't very fond of him so I took no notice of him.

Evan at my dad's funeral I loved the moments when, for example, his friends from university days, told stories about how crazy and funny and energetic he was before he was our dad.

Funeral appreciation comes from the inside of those attending.

I've always wanted a direct cremation (undertaker will collect body and take it direct to crematorium, the ashes can be collected if wanted). No service.
But ultimately up to my 3 close relatives what they decide.

The problem is funerals are associated with sadness and grief

In general, yes, but not always. I loved my mother's funeral. I met people from all parts of her life from the age of ten, people she had been at school with during WW2, mothers of people I had been at school with, all my siblings and most of their offspring (we are a spread out family so this doesn't happen often), my children's cousins and second cousins, and so on.

It was not a sad occasion. It was a happy and respectful goodbye to a long-lived, good woman who had a peaceful death. This was almost five years ago and I wouldn't say I have felt much, if any, grief. Mum took a long time to fade out quietly so nothing was a shock. In the last five years, what I've mostly felt is more understanding about my mum, more appreciation of her qualities and weaknesses (we all have them!). That has been a kind of comfort, very different from the grief I felt when my dad died at a much younger age. I missed my dad. In some sense I still do. I don't miss my mum. Somehow her life seemed complete when she died. I simply remember her, and what she taught me, in all sorts of ways.

People who hate funerals can just stay away from them, surely?

Farmor15

I actually like some funerals! I live in Ireland where funerals are big social occasions. Obviously there are some very sad funerals if it's a young person who has died, but if it's someone fairly old (whatever age that might be, but older than me) it's a celebration of their life and a chance to meet and chat with friends.
Where I live, there's a committee of women who organise tea and sandwiches in the parish hall, if the relatives want it. If someone local dies, and you even vaguely knew them or their relatives, you will go the funeral, which in Ireland is only 2 or 3 days after the death.

I am not sure how typical of Irish funerals Shane McGowan's was, but I watched the whole of it on TV as it was so joyous. So many people who showed love for him through personal reminiscences, the reading of biblical passages, reciting of prayers, the music, including performances of his own music, and his family dancing to 'Fairytale of New York'. What an uplifting experience, however sad, it must have been to attend this glorious tribute to his life.

Why would you hate them?

It may seem hypocritical, perhaps, but hate is a strong word.

I do know what you mean, though, because we've just visited a friend whose husband has severe dementia, I felt guilty because we hadn't been for ages and she said friends and family seem to have deserted them.

I hate people who go to funerals and yet never spend a minute of their time with the person when they are alive. What is that all about. Pay their respects? Some people would love the company or to just see that person and there they are like vultures sat at the funeral and eating at the wake. Grrrrrrrrrr!!! I only go to the funeral of people that I am close to and have spent time with.

There are firms now which will take away the deceased and perform a cremation without the need for a funeral service. The family can have a celebration of the life of that person or not, as they wish.

I'm not sure how I feel about that because a funeral service enables you to say farewell to someone you love (or adieu), for everyone to remember them and it feels, somehow, like unfinished business. ☹

My first experience of a funeral was as a very young child losing a much loved parent who died in very tragic circumstances.

It was some years before family members recovered from that death though some never fully recovered at all. Some deaths never leave you.

When I say I hate funerals it comes from that experience a deep sadness that has never left me.

I understand why others feel the same and take their words at face value as I believe we all have experienced death at some stage of our lives. Who knows how someone is really feeling. I wouldn’t like to add to their pain by belittling their thoughts or feelings.

The problem is funerals are associated with sadness and grief and many people are uncomfortable with these emotions in themselves and even more so if associating with other people clearly suffering from them.

Funerals also, of course, remind us of our own mortality.

I think that is why people say that they 'hate' funerals.

Biscuitmuncher

Why do people feel the need to tell you how much they hate funerals? Is it so they sound oh so much more sensitive than everyone else? As you might guess I've a funeral to go to next week, I feel like saying " well I love them, i can't wait to go " I'm so angry at the moment

Hate is a very strong word.
Why do you hate so much?

There are obviously many views on funerals, none of them wrong, IMO.

I must say that I thought that the OP was complaining about people who want to appear extra sensitive. There are those who find funerals comforting, but even they must find the circumstances of having to have a funeral distressing, and so the OP was, I think, reasonable in saying that we all find funerals difficult in one way or another.

I just went to a funeral where we came across many people we had not seen for years and years. It was held in a Baptist church and was really tasteful and respectful with many good old traditional hymns. There were about 150 people there and afterwards we all had a buffet and teas and coffee and lots of fond memories shared of our friend. That’s how they should be I think. Because most were believers it was not so sad because we were all convinced of the resurrection and reunion.

GSM I didn't mean 'funeral plans' in the monetary sense, not that they are prescriptive. They are merely paying upfront and the family can tailor them to their needs and top up the cost if they wish and can afford it.

I was talking about funeral plans like saying you want your body just to be whisked away and dealt with, without any ceremony, or alternatively you want a horse drawn hearse with 20 weeping mutes walking behind it, and all your family in open coaches behind them, followed by a grand reception at the biggest and most imposing venue in town. These plans make the potential corpse happy in life and in death the family can do what they wish.

Floradora, Thankyou for giving those babies their first attachment experiences and for helping them move into their adoptive families.
Not the same but when I retired, I fostered dogs who had been relinquished. We assessed the dog, helped with their “issues” so they could be matched with adopters.
More than one person told me they could never give up a dog they’d fostered, they were too soft hearted

I agree with you OP, people who say things like ‘I hate funerals’ or ‘I hate hospital visiting’ need a talking to.It’s as if they’re so so sensitive that they’re above the common crowd and can be excused for not going to them. The next time anyone says that to you really do say ‘I can’t think why, I just love them’ and watch their face.

My husband's funeral was quite enjoyable. First off we were still on a high, because after years of serious illness his death had been amazingly peaceful and quiet. Secondly DD and I decided to add things like a couple of limousines (very popular with the grandsons who had never been in such luxurious cars) which he would have thought was a terrible waste of money. and we had a wonderful sheaf of flowers on the coffin (In my head I could hear him saying "How much??") All our neighbours came, which I hadn't expected, and an old friend we hadn't seen for 20 years travelled up from Cornwall. The celebrant had cobbled together some of our memories and produced a picture of him that really was a celebration.

I used to foster babies from 7 days old until they were adopted. Many people would tell me that they could not do thit as they were too soft hearted. Did they think I did not shed a tear over every baby who left us ?

I dread my family funerals as old ''scores'' always come to the surface.My relatives have form for falling out with each other and nothing brings it all out more than a funeral.
I will say no more as I could get recognised.

A funeral is not a vulgar show to the world. It is a celebration of a loved one's life and a chance to say a final goodbye. My late husband died suddenly in his early fifties. Although I was reeling in shock it was a tremendous support to me that hundreds attended his military funeral. He was army to the core and it was a fitting send off. When my cousin died suddenly in 2022 the same church was again packed and it was incredibly moving when they played her favourite pop song - that was who she was - a truly beautiful, bubbly lady. If someone wants plumed horses, bagpipes, pop music, etc then that is their choice.

Nothing that people choose to do in their various ways, to express love and sorrow at the loss of a dear one, or support for the bereaved, should be judged vulgar. Horses, carriages, names spelt out in flowers, quiet reflection, all are a tribute to someone who mattered.