Experiencing conflict with daughter of 6 children!

I agree with GSM that it would be better for you to start a new thread haighsue.

You need to stand your ground and tell your D that you are no longer able to provide the level of support you did before and that she's come to expect, and suggest that she looks into what help may be available for your GS.

Could her brother and sister help pick up some of the slack? If she has issues with anxiety and needs support then it is what it is and certainly sounds like you have a close caring family.
Six children is massive and if she feels that she’s being pushed away it would be alarming. Set out a timetable of when you want to be away so she knows that you are doing your thing but will be available for her for several other months.
She might feel more comfortable then.

Haighsue
Stop tolerating it. Same as the OP you are enabling this behaviour.

I have a friend who suffers badly with anxiety, much caused by her 40 yr old son. He’s been diagnosed with ADHD and she is at his beck and call 24/7. He treats her badly and blames her for everything.

She’s had therapy on the NHS and several different therapists she has paid quite large sums for. They have all advised her (as have I) to set boundaries with her son. She won’t. When he has a girlfriend he ignores her for weeks on end, no birthday cards, nothing, but still she rushes to his side on his every whim. He’s recently complained that his friends have said she treats him like a baby - she does.

I have now realised it’s a need in some people to moan about this parent/child dynamic but it’s as much a necessity for the parent as for the AC. I believe on the part of the AC it’s learned behaviour and the parent enables as it satisfies some need in them, even though they don’t or won’t acknowledge it.

You need to start a new thread about this haighsue.

I am 80. My daughter is 50, single and has a 15 year old autistic son. She has a good job and money. Over the last 15 years we have helped her with our grandson, moving back from France and travelling back and forth when he was ill as a small baby. Over the last 18 months we have looked after him so she could pursue a fellowship, far more than we had originally agreed to. Eventually my health was failing and she became angry when I said I couldn’t manage to run two houses again. Her son is a big boy now and needs a lot of help. She is now involved in a sexual assault case and at the same time went into therapy. She has become very insulting to me and blames me for her situation (on her own). I she says I was emotionally absent and her father, an alcoholic who went to live abroad, was the only one who loved her. We ( my husband is her stepfather of 38 years) have really done everything possible to help but she is now shouting at me and calling me a terrible mother because we moved house almost 35 years ago. Where do I go from here? I’m afraid she will attack me. Her texts (she won’t talk) are full of therapy speak. It seems so dangerous. Where do I go from here? Any advice welcome.

She can't attend the party because of the children! She's making herself sound like a victim. She chose to have 6 children which is excessive. Has she never heard of contraception?

Tough love is required I'm afraid OP. She sounds spoilt and selfish and, sorry to be harsh, but you are enabling her. She's just as likely to have another if you don't stop doing the donkey work. She has to step up and accept responsibility for her actions. She has a husband, so she isn't alone.

I know it's difficult because caring is hard wired into us mums but you must start to be unavailable except for genuine emergencies. You are going above and beyond for this girl and you know that in your heart. You and your DH (how does he feel about it all?) have worked hard and deserve a happy retirement.

Perhaps once your daughter is actually looking after her tribe of children she'll have less time to dwell on her anxiety.

Thank tou

You DD is being unreasonable

and you said

"She always thinks of how things affect her and not others."

You are not necessarily going to be able to change her behaviour.

You need to be careful to look after yourself in all of this.
That is not something to feel guilty about.

... but if Gransnet is a catalyst for change then I'm pleased you came here.

ronib

Moy59 maybe you need to unpack your own thoughts a bit with a counsellor? I know it’s very easy to go round in circles and I don’t think Gnet has the expertise to help you. I hope you find a way through this and start to enjoy life, including time with your six grandchildren.

Absolutely this. GN will have people with no experience whatsoever of family life but will still have all the answers! Please seek professional help and encourage your daughter to.

Having read through all the responses and your replies again, Moy59, I absolutely implore you to get some support and help in whatever way you feel will help you best.

You’re a fabulous mum and nana and your DD obviously has your husband round around her little finger in the way daughter’s often can.

Don’t excuse bad and selfish behaviour because of her poor mental health. I sound harsh I know, but she’s an adult and it’s her responsibility to face up and recognise her issues then start to manage them with appropriate support.

This situation, if allowed to continue, will impact both your mental and physical health, not to mention your finances. Please enjoy your retirement, none of us know how long we will be able to enjoy things easily. Motor off somewhere fabulous xxx

Good luck my dear.

That is how I feel but putting words into action is so hard. I do agree though..

I think you’re right. Perhaps it’s me who needs help to deal with FOG. Well said

She has been on it before, so maybe

Thanks, sensible advice. I try not to get into any kind of arguement with her, but at times it’s hard. We had a bit of a fall out last week as she accused us of not asking after her (she was poorly) (we did) and saying we didn’t care and had no empathy.
When I see it written down it sounds ridiculous and I know she’s unreasonable but….

Goodness and I thought I was a bit of a “mug” or “martyr” with three grown children living at home still.

Sadly I think your DD and her partner are taking blatant advantage of you!

Have your trips, use your Motorhome and travel, just do what you feel like you choose to do for your grandchildren and don’t let them bully you!

I can empathise with you, I have a,daughter with 3 children. The oldest 2 have the same father and the youngest a different father . None of the fathers or other grandparents are on the scene. My husband ( her stepdad ) and I have done so much over the last 13 years, since the first one was born. However since I started suffering with Arthritis a few years ago , we have done less. My daughter can get quite irritated with me if I can't do something she wants me to do. We've fallen out before and I've also tried talking to her . Nothing really changed until last year , I just stopped being at her beck and call. My husband took early retirement and we've holidayed more, she still has a little dig at times , but now I don't respond. If you're not organising the family gathering, then it's not really your fault if the younger children aren't invited,

sodapop

Thank you tickingbird glad you got the point.

🙂🙂

you seem to be enmeshed in FOG; fear, obligation, guilt.
counselling might help you detach from this tangle.

Why are you even listening to your daughter? She doesn't suffer from anxiety, she suffers from selfishness and because she has chosen to have six children she expects the rest of the world to accommodate them, and if they wont she will play the guilt card.

You help financially and practically, because she and her husband cannot afford to raise six children in the style they would like; do you get any thanks? Why do you have to look after them in the holidays when she is at home full time? Who will look after them when she has completed training for this new job?

Do not agree to alter the adults-only party only, and if she disapproves of alcohol then she must stay away.
How do these feckless, entitled adults come about?

If therapy hasn’t helped with her anxiety, is she averse to asking her GP for medication? As with medication for depression, it can be a life-changer.

I think stop worrying about it then if she is "quite judgemental about adults drinking alcohol".

She obviously would find it stressful so it's better for her not to go.

Try to look forward to the "all family" get together. I expect once the evening thing is over she will feel less cross about it and then you will feel better too.

Thinking of you

Moy59 obviously up to you. It’s not easy coping with mental illness in the family and it’s okay to ask for help. Maybe your daughter would agree to some form of family therapy?

I have thought about it.
I have a lovely life, don’t get me wrong, it’s just this one issue that crops up all the time. I guess I need to get in with it and take the consequences.

Moy59 maybe you need to unpack your own thoughts a bit with a counsellor? I know it’s very easy to go round in circles and I don’t think Gnet has the expertise to help you. I hope you find a way through this and start to enjoy life, including time with your six grandchildren.